Today I Learned (nothing)

Jason thinks he's being tortured by Freddy Krueger in his sleep, but his version only cares about papercuts and general malaise. Good thing Steve fought his fears in Mortal Kombat against the evil demon, so he can help! Also, when disappointment doesn't work on your kids, what do you turn to? Finally, a Flutterfairies superpower update! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Let it be known that the Shinney family only crawls on a bathroom floor to do good deeds. That's a thing, right? Also, are the floors of the bathrooms in churches cleaner than others? We file our report. And Steve practices pee tricks with his son. Will that ever pay off? Finally, "there's a world out there that probably won't kill you" doesn't work for Jason. Go forth and pee and poop in caves no longer! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Your automated reminder friends are failing us all the time, but they do it in humorous, cute ways, so it's fine. Steve is kind to his robots so they'll remember and repay the kindness when the uprising comes. Together, the guys celebrate Steve's post-weight loss boner. No, not that one. Yes, that one. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

We're seeing this garbage fire of a year off with a suitably stanky and flaming pile of our own! Hear some of our favorite discussions of the past year as we prepare to question even more of our daily existence in the new year. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason likes to get naked, so it was a matter of time before one of his children was subjected to incidental nudity. Don't worry, he was shamed accordingly. After talking about how the urologist told him his son's junk will someday be "out there", Steve feels left out and talks about his. Don't worry, he doesn't last long. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve gets locked out of his bathroom, but his stanky BMs get him out of the jam. Meanwhile, Jason would rather Freaky Friday himself than talk about time travel, but it gets weird when specific FF targets come up. Real ... weird. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason's daughter is moving the wrong way in her entertainment choices, leaving him to worry about her mental state. Meanwhile, Steve's daughter is so advanced she's created a fantasy property, one her father is wistfully no longer a part of. Jason loves this. - Jason's daughter has moved on from toy opening videos to preschool-focused mobile game-playing walkthroughs ---- It's part of his ongoing battle to make her watch something new, just ... anything - Steve is left out of his daughter's fictional canon because he goes to work ---- "I gave your power to someone I can count on to be around" - Steve's daughter, probably ---- "Retired on Flutterfairy money at 45" --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason finally got his windshield replaced, and found the tech who came out to do the work to be ... TOO professional? And Steve has witnessed the dangers of standing on the hood of a car with your pants down. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

In his annual ritual to have even one McRib, Jason accidentally stole a couple. Don't worry, we doubt he's wanted by anyone. For anything. Also, Steve thinks denying his son food while at live events is helping him in the long run. He's clearly forgotten about the contract we, as fathers, sign when kids are old enough to love the pure garbage we fill our human waste cans with. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve's son wants a family costume and is thwarted only by his sister's non-compliance and his mom's ... jacket. Jason recalls his homemade costumes and the very real struggles that he went through to make them a success. Together, the guys agree that Steve looked nothing like Blanka. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve nearly dies at the hands of a freak-gawking driver, bringing to mind his thoughts of ... himself. Jason fondly remembers his childhood putdowns, and comes up with some inventive new ones. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

This Stevetember, an alarming number of tornadoes and storms are coming, but Weather Safety Jason has your First Alert Action alert! Also, we've forecasted a new phone on the horizon, which has brought back one of our favorite characters: the Tech A**hole! Marvel at his ability to get what he wants, when he wants, and tremble in fear as he hopes to turn you to his dark ways next! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

It's an episode dedicated to that bovine-produced delicacy: cheese! What cheese does the Shinney household favor (hint: aim low)? Why are they so afraid of the sharp cheddar? What variety was Jason's childhood favorite (again, aim low)? And what is the most important aspect of a grilled cheese sandwich to consider? Get over your lactose intolerance and learn these answers and more! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve's son has touched SO many butts (but has also touched zero butts). Do YOU understand math? Well, DO YOU? Then stop judging and get to bragging! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve has forgotten the things he never knew were forgotten in the first place, including keeping his underwear straight. Jason pinned something there and he has no idea where it went. It's a miracle this podcast got posted, honestly. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Ever been to firefighter prom? Or any prom, period? Did you enjoy it? Well Jason didn't, and Steve and his many high school friends can't understand why. He also accidentally made Luau Wednesdays a thing while Jason stayed quiet in his studies, spawning many rumors about his ... lonely habits. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

When in need of a conversation starter, might we suggest Bing, where you can find things like a family being harassed by a persnickety lizard? Once the guys are off the on-ramp, it's time to talk about dick pics! Who wants them? Who needs them? Should you show them off? The discussion offers no guidance but does give both guys some footing on this relatively new topic. (Also, the answer is always no one, pervert.) --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve thinks living near bears is advantageous to his children learning safety about the fearsome beast, plus, it would just be cool. Jason builds things with allen wrenches and he's damn proud of it. Together, the guys agree that swans and geese are just the worst. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Something is eating away at Jason's studio chair. Steve suspects Gremlins. Jason investigates. Also, shoes and chairs stand as primary examples of items you should always buy in person. Finally, is Steve's wife a ghost? We file our report. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason always got out of trouble thanks to his bigshot dad in their hometown. Steve doesn't recognize his crimes and got into a bit of TP-ing trouble of his own. Together, the guys are just happy to be alive. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support