Something Like Marriage

This was a challenging episode for me as I describe living a secret life of shame and sexual anorexia in marriage. I had experienced sexuality that was unwanted and confusing when I was young. I had feelings of arousal, fear, and shame like Jon described on I Feel Uncomfortable Talking About Sex that I dealt with through repression. It was a way I could bury my thoughts and desires in a place where it would remain unconscious. As I walked through life, it seemed that there was something wrong with me, something broken in me because I kept getting into situations with men that were unloving. I felt like I was marked. And with each experience, I would lock it away in my Secret Room which added more motivation to my sexual anorexia. Sexual anorexia refers to the compulsive avoidance of sexual nourishment and intimacy. A refusal of emotional and sensual input in order to keep the unexplored trauma hidden along with chaotic feelings and anxiety. I would deny myself intimacy, and only understood my way of coping