How Do You Feel? A Self-help Guru's Quest For Your Brain

I'm under the weather in Minnesota. Even though my throat is sore, my heart is true. Positivity is learned. Anti-inflammatory pills for my ankle because I tripped over a stump. When people don't do their job, people fall down and break their ankle. If we want it, it has two possible outcomes: we will not get it or we will. That is not the case. Turn that frown upside down. Your talking makes you feel better. High Intensity Caffienated Barbie. They had nothing and now they're Tanya Tucker. Some people are destined to be where they are because of their God-given ability...or beauty. This world is a puzzle you bought at Wal Mart for 99 cents: it's not hard. I'm talking not to the emotionally freakish. Practice the art of control. With our hands we drive, put money into a slot machine, use a laptop or desktop. Look at your hands. Flip them over. Repeat. These are your power tools and you are your own repairman. Call the repairman to fix your happiness. It's scary that we can fix our own problems. You can get Vita

I need to celebrate this podcast because people thank me for creating this show. You're unworthy of my time. If I had to repeat myself to you, wouldn't you feel guilty for me? I'm judging a rose competition for publicity. Clarissa is in her closet crying. My listeners are male, I need more lady listeners, so I'm going to the rose gig. I'm going to judge the competition based on who is prettiest. Be your lady self. This coffee is running down my throat like a river. You can go to hell Jamie and Donna, two listeners who asked me not to gurgle my coffee. I knew there was something false about your look. Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli

It does not matter what happens to you, but how you react to what happens to you. I don't lie and you shouldn't either, unless I tell you to lie. We are meant to be happy. Spread the goood feelings by acting like you're rich. I honk at a woman in a green truck. Suicide might be right for you. A booger on a rainbow in a kindergarten class. Doritos. Eat them and throw up. Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli

Ideas turn into action. You will take action to bettering your life. I have been drinking. There's nothing wrong with drinking. Drinking is self-medication and fiscal and emotional responsibility. Barbara Walters is proud of 3 things: her life, her family. I would have chosen "Kicking Star Jones off her show." I accused her of not being able to handle Star's strong power. That's showbiz, kid. I doo doo doo doo showbiz. I am asking you to boycott the tv show The View. Barbara Walters is a malicious vulture. Be careful who you let in your life. Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli

the voice is watering planets, people respect you more when you're drinking, Macocatron is a speed pill that I take, Wanting is not a verb- it's a life source, crack addict employees are cheaper to employ, she was young and heavy, lie to yourself to get through your day, mirrors on peoples' faces, blubbering, I am the good, pestulence is the bad, the more you let me in the less of you will be inside of you. Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli

I just read a book that changed my life, but I won't tell you the title. I wrote it. You need to put in a request for the "How Do You Feel?" bool at your local Barnes and Noble. I carried it around for 9 months. It is birthed. Much like women in other cultures who freeze the placenta and eat it, I got the very first edition of the book and put it on my bookshelf. If you're crying, I want you to be happy. If you can't be happy, slap your face. The only person who will make you happy is me. When you accept that, you will begin to grow. You are a child in the body of an adult. Gnaw you foot off and run away to freedom. You need a bear trap and you need to get happy. When Chaka Khan recorded a song I cannot tell you the title of, she was on so many drugs she had to be dragged into the studio and drugged. hey hauled her back home. In spie of all her personal difficulties, she was able to mke something that made the world happy. What can you do like Chaka Khan? Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com

Everything will be alright if you trust in me. I am a blue warm baby blanket keeping you warm on a cold winter's night. A blanket causes change. I can change your emotional state. I went to a place of learning and will get a new Mercedes. They hit a deer. They hit a wall. There's guts everywhere. They will stop beating. You need to beat yourself. The more you get to know someone, the more you realize you don't want to get to know them. 98%of people are bad. What is your opinion on abortion? Try swimming in a lake in a thunderstorm. What if you have to have a foot removed? I have all my hospital procedures in a hotel. When anyone says something they didn't mean to say, they meant to say it. People don't make mistakes. Do you have clam sauce that has no salt? Are you stupid? I am being feel mated for asking for it. And I feel stupid. I can't afford groceries because Beatrice Jenkins won't let me have them. People cannot accept the blame for their horrible states of being. I makes them feel good. Shut up and let

That hump resembles a turkey. You've got a family and that family is me. All you have to do is sit on Thanksgiving day and think about me. I said a prayer for my listeners. I like to try out new methods of therapy. The silence box. Clack clack clack. I don't expect you to be able to do what i can do. You can probably barely hold a fork. I will be selecting people to get in the spinning box. The spinning box is a metaphor or life. When people are mean, those memories don't go away. Being in the box feels the same way. Write down how much money you THINK you have. Write down how much money you THINK Dorothy Hammil has. My medical doctor friend operates on knees. Have you ever had steak tartar? There is crap for every surface of your home. Do you think the holidays are about shopping? If you do, you are stupid. I want you to be happy. If this is the season of happiness, don't buy...be happy. The way you do that is by smiling. And that makes other people want to be happy and buy something. You are not the insecur

I wish this ghetto could be razed, Dog Aids was caused by gay men not using a condom to fudge pack, Teen Talk: teen pregnancy, abortion, angst, rape, cheating on tests; plastic face for high school, babies are amazed by hands, numb to packaging, Kindergarten is a German word for Nazi school, Easter, Stop eating, I am your father, Leave me something in your will Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli

Jacob Javitz Center is where you need to be to prepare for the holidays, you can be your own family, shop for each of your personal dimensions, You don't have a wreath? Steal one! Sausage McMuffin with Egg, robot walk for GIs, tubular curtains for candles, I love to take my shoes off, 40% of Oprah's audience is unemployed or high on the embarrassment scale, 300 things you like about your job or quit, the color blue is a positive color Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli

personal satisfaction is only available one on one, live seminars, praying for a hurricane, voodoo, 7-11 coffee, Starbucks is an adult Baskin Robbins, you can learn a lot from a moron, Transformers, old people want to forget the fact that they are old, getting old is bad, don't look in the mirror, inflict the pain, they do not know the social ramifications of a heavy woman wearing short shorts, doughnuts, find an overweight woman and AWAKEN them Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyou feelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli

This neighborhood smells like rotten eggs. If you're male, you get stuck with the bill. I mean bodily fluids. I'm worried about you. I am your mother with my face on her body. I need some intoxicants. Rolling down the mountain. I want these calls to be sugar packets of love from your Mother. Your mother has been blow away by wind...or a lawn blower machine. Think of me when you think of diapers. (Bad customer service ensues during the call. My apologies). I almost swallowed a can of wheat germ I was so angry. Dairy Queen employee gave me sass. No onion rings was her fault, not the manager's. I was so angry I asked for a glass of water, she said that will be thirty five cents, and I made her watch me swallow the entire bottle of wheat germ...dry. I went to the hospital because of suffocation that turned into a convulsion fit. I had no insurance after the divorce. Have you ever been uninvited to a birthday party? Sedatives, no translation for my tapes, write a poem about me. Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe

Calling from Boston. Belks employee recognized me. She told me she wanted to join me at my lecture, but she couldn't afford it. Whose fault is that? Hers. I told her to cut herself, she almost did, I was almost arrested, she was taken away in shackles. When she was being led away, she sang the national anthem. Because of her, I bought a flag pin. Advertising for this convention is everywhere...except in the black neighborhoods. My clients are 98% white 2% black. Louisa gave away my numbers to Peter for fifty bucks. The "How Do You Feel Black Army" will go to black gatherings and hand out my flyers. If you want to join the army, email me. You must be black. My life is the focus of my life. My life should be the focus of your life. Waitress. Woman drops ashes on baby's head. In certain parts of America, women don't treat babies good. Article about woman who swung baby to hit her boyfriend. She should be punished by a machine that swings her against a wall like she did to her child. The punishment should hit the

10-17-06 It's not a lecture, it's a gift. The Cheapo Company gave me a Dodge Neon and the President asked me to emblazon on his employees' chests a mantra. Bumping is good. This is not about me. A gift from yourself is the best gift of all, because it came from God. Like the Tinman. I'd put God inside me. (show interrupted by a trip to Taco Bell) I got a postcard from someone in my family describing the emotional impact of my non-presence. I've been to this Taco Bell before. My face and name are known. Is there a Creep Festival? They look like they want to stab me in the cheek and steel my tires and sell the rubber. This is not a gift session, it's a lecture. When you threaten a litigation it scares people. More creepy people. is this a homeless convention? Delilah is a hoot and has a son with Polio. Children are not born with diseases that their mothers didn't give them. That woman did that to her child. More scary people. People with ugly faces should not have children. There should be a standard. I am a c

You don't need hands to be a human being, You just need life and love, Anger with my Mother is caused by myself, prank calling and egging my mother's house, How my Mother got her house, 35 sheep and 5 camcorders, I have the right to harrass her, Trying to be time-neutral, Christmas is actually is a sad time so attend my holiday lecture. Please join me for my Holiday Session in New York City at the Jacob Javits six thousand seat ballroom. Tickets are half-sold though, so good luck with that. Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli

You want to be a different person. If you look in a mirror, you don't like what you see. You might not be like-able. I like you. Cut off contact with your friends and family. Mental hugs. Sometimes at my seminars, people come in groups. I asked a group of a woman's friends to leave and they didn't want to. They were not good for that gal. We want our friends to tell us what to do. I don't respect you. Get rid of your friends and follow me. I am your brain mechanic. I will make you a better person because you can't do it on your own. I am getting inside your brain. Tell me the colors you see. A brick is a brick. That general palate is a reflection of what's going on inside you. I bleed just to know I'm alive. I wasn't aware I was alive. Trowel tossed in the air caught by the sharp side and I cut my hand. Go and find the sharpest object you can and gently cut your thumb. What is that? It's blood. It's a reminder that we are inside this trap of work, school, home, finding a mate, decorating our house. We can hel

This podcast is about you and how I can take your life and turn it on it's backside. A baby crying in a movie theatre. I want to be your clip-on earring. When you fail, you fail your fellow man. When you walk into a room with flip flops and everyone else is wearing $400 heels, you are ruining their lives. You have the power to do bad even when you don't realize it. Your self. You're like a see-thru egg. If yourself isn't happy, your outer shell isn't going to be happy. We have to have the ability to be fake in this world. Your spirit. It causes you to take action or not. You can't change it like you can change your self. There's a base that homes are built on and they are called bases. Your spirit is a base. Asking me to change your spirit is like asking me to give you plastic surgery. Your spirit is as physical as your nose is. Give up on trying to change your spirit. The newspaper is an obituary. Alcohol involves spending money. Locally-owned liquor? Please. Those people in those big cities? Those are the

I want you to answer in the affirmative, to live your life in the affirmative. If you choose to be fat, that's your choice. We are a limon' tamer. Should I be putting that into my body? Is cocaine glamorous, retro-glamorous, or really cool? The liquid at the bottom of the well of despair is formed by our own tears. Mark Baratelli, this fur, you've endowed as being negative. If we admitted to ourselves we'd never be rich, we'd all kill ourselves or be on cocaine, which is why most poor people are on cocaine. You really should be going on a walk with me. The four tenants of happiness: 1) eat food that will make you walk in a circular motion, 2) stick with people who stick with you, 3) talk in English, 4) tie your shoes. I gave a check for $12 to a homeless shelter. God bless me. I share some stories from my past. Life takes care of you if you take care of life. When good things happen to bad people, you need to take action. Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by

You don't want to share your self-inflicted misery, but I want to listen to it...through your journal. Write a letter to me in your journal and send it to me in your mind, and in 6 months, you can look back and see how crazy you are. I want you to embrace your inner loon and when someone asks you how you are, you tell them. That way, you are writing letters to me verbally that I will never receive. Life on the other side of depression, anxiety, unhappiness and bulemia is a rainbow, a joyride, a ferris wheel. You are invited to "Let the Red Rain Fall: Mark Baratelli's Blood-Letting Tour." Janet Dupree had her children tie her to the bed, let her husband blood-let her and she woke up renewed and refreshed. 1 out of 400 was unhappy with my blood-letting. I am in the industry of givery. I want to givery you happiness. What in your life enables you to have a tropical oasis on a daily basis? I can control your mind, I can blood let you, but ultimately it's up to you to make the changes in your life. Subscribe

I am proud of you because you are about to make one of the biggest changes in your entire life. I will give you an elixor that will tranquilize your behavior. The things that you say become the things that you do. Say it with me: "I am going to eat a burrito." Now go take the action of eating the burrito. How do you apply this to your mate? You think, then act, then react. Simple describes what we're dealing with. God Bless Simple Subscribe in Itunes Subscribe with RSS myspace.com/howdoyoufeelpodcast Produced by Mark Baratelli