Pretty Little Recaps

It's an all-American Labor Day in Riverdale. Archie's on trial, the entire town has sworn off wearing shirts, and Cheryl had such a great summer she just has to shoot someone in the shoulder for joy. Come on down to the leech filled swimming hole and jump in to Season 3!

Reggie and Archie battle for votes in the time honored political tradition of sexy arm wrestling. Betty gets the Serpents to rescue her mom from a south side extortionist. Toni bravely rescues her girl Cheryl from the all purpose nunnery of horror. 

This week in The Town With Pep:  Andy Cohen comes to town for absolutely no reason, Archie's mom shows up to read him for filth and everyone gets political in the student body president election. But literally all we care about is Cheryl having a sleepover for the sole purpose of touching Toni's hair. 

The Lodges are plotting a private prison. Chic is a weirdo to everyone but Kevin. Cheryl hands Toni a shirt and Ryan and Rose lose their minds. 

Archie, Veronica, Betty and Jughead go to a lake house for margaritas and sidelong glances at polyamory. Cheryl's heart hurts and Toni wants to kiss it better. Kevin just wants to hold hands with a boy at the movies. 

Alice Cooper serves a great breakfast the morning after a murder in her living room. Archie realizes Agent Adams wasn't dating him for his mind. Hermione leans in (to organized crime). Rose insists Riverdale is current events. 

Veronica partakes of the the age old Catholic tradition of singing Bittersweet Symphony on the altar of a church; Archie wears his tighest shirt yet to fondle cigars at Hiram's behest; Betty wears a questionable dress to deflower her boyfriend. Also! Ryan tells his deep dark fanfic secrets. 

Archie and Hiram make their subtext maintext and just roll around on the floor together. Chic instructs Betty on the finer points of being a cam girl. Josie is glad she didn't get upstaged by the Serpents getting everyone woke on Riverdale's founding mythology. Penelope and Hal get messy with some maple syrup snacks. 

Betty finds a creepy new brother, the Serpents transfer schools, Cheryl kills it as always and Polly had her babies but no one cares. 

Tis the season for a murderer to leave a severed finger on your doorstep! 

This triptych is a trip. Crime, craziness and creepin, just another day in the life of Riverdale teens. 

Mayor McCoy makes a very casual entrance into South Side High, Archie pulls a parking break, Cheryl wears shorts before a roaring fire. Ahh....Octobruary?? in Riverdale. 

The Black Hood keeps ringing Betty up to tell dad jokes and that's uncomfortable for everyone. But our eyes are on the Pussycats this episode, as they stop a sexual assault in progress and stomp a slimy dude. HEART EYES. (also cheryl and josie forever, rose will never stop with that).

Archie's Red Circle causes trouble in town, but Veronica has no trouble getting Red Circle couture tanks designed, printed and delivered in a day. Also, is solving a cipher without your girlfriend cheating? 

Kevin goes looking for sexy fun in the woods, but it turns out the woods are full of murder. Veronica's mom calls her "thirsty" and we question that word choice. And Archie gets his football buddies together for a an extremely heterosexual shirtless, hooded video shoot. 

Pop's is in danger of closing, Juggie's dad is in danger of a long prison sentence, Betty is in danger of a harsh read from her mom. Drink a milkshake, it'll be ok. 

Season 2 is here! Daddy's home, Cheryl's slightly singed, and the Pussycats are giving us llfe (1 of 9, to be exact). Welcome back to nostalgic murder town!

It's the Season 1 finale! All the OTPs are in effect - Archie and Veronica! Betty and Jughead! Cheryl and an icy river! 

Cheryl taps a maple tree, Archie becomes a paid escort, there's a lot of businesstalk and Rose and Ryan grapple with how the hell anyone can talk about Glee.   

Riverdale buries Jason Blossom and every one (except Veronica, maybe) is a total creep about it. Also Rose learned to manage her compressor settings and bring you a smoother sound mix, you are welcome.  Come say hi on twitter, @prettyrecaps