Don't Be An Idiom

Episode 77: “Bark bark! Woof woof! Baaaaaah! Yipe yipe yipe!” It’s a goddamn zoo down at DBAI headquarters! Someone really screwed the pooch and let all the damn dogs out. Then the dogs unlocked the barn and all the friggin’ sheep got out! Now the sheep are nipping at your boys’ ankles as they try their damnedest to climb Boo Radley’s apple tree to freedom. What a scene! But let’s get serious for a second, folks. Is the daily grind grinding you down? Did you wolf a whole pack of hotdogs and then complain for an hour about how the buns were stale and THAT’S why you did it? Does your family always introduce you as “our little black sheep” when they let you out of the crawl space for your biweekly piss-walk? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, just know you’re in good company. If you ever need a place to screw up, scrub down, and let your freak flag fly, just remember there’s always room at the Don’t Be An Idi-INN! HBO INN every room! Magic fingers beds available. (You wake up in a field with a

Episode 76: Hey everyone! Have you done something new with your hair? Your skin looks so young and wet! A new rat hair toupee, perhaps? Now, we’re not just trying to butter you up so you’re inclined to listen to Episode 76 of DBAI. We’d never dream of it! Ok, ya got us. We’re pretty much beyond the pale of what good and decent folk would do to make an honest living, so why don’t ya just slurp up the sweet, sweet lies we’re slinging and come on down to the Don’t Be An Idiom Used Car Lot! If you don’t leave whistling Dixie in a classic convertible with a corn dog between each knuckle, then we’ll eat our hats — and probably a couple o' corn dogs too. You’re beautiful! Wink, wink. BUY OUR CARS!

What's that shriek in the distance? That rustle in the bushes? Those glowing eyes in the foggy woods? That slimy skin breaking the surface of the sea? It's the fifteenth installment of Do Be A Monster! Albert and Ryan have returned from a week long Monster Road Trip through the states of New England. The boys traversed the northeast and hunted a wide array of freaky monstrosities: Melon Heads in Connecticut, The Great Glawackus, The Winsted Wildman, Mercy Brown the Vampire, Pukwudgies, The Gloucester Sea Serpent, Cassie the Sea Serpent, The Pig Man of Northfield, Champy, and the Headless Horseman. They may not have eaten any healthy food the entire week, but they certainly found ways to blow their wads on postcards and tickets to Satanic and Cryptozoology museums. Plug on in and join the boys as they relive one hell of a monster journey. Next week, Don't Be An Idiom returns!

It's April Fools Day and that means Let's Get A Strombo is back! The boys have resurrected the tastiest podcast this side of the Strombo River and you won't believe the delicious audial sauce that's in store for you. In this year's stromboli themed podcast, the fellas embark on a gustatory adventure in search of the best strombo in the Philly/New Jersey area. You'll hear more than you thought was ever possible about grease ratios. You'll cower in fear and wonder at the revered Moby Stromb. Your bell shall ring a thousand rings as tales of the strombo striketh your ears. So hit play and feel okay with the second edition of Let's Get A Strombo!

Episode 75: Good blorning to you all. This is Morg your neighborhood troll. Life has been pretty good to me as you can see from all of these sweet brass rings hanging on my slime walls, but I always felt there was something missing from life, a wee hole in my heart. Little could I know that that hole (which reeked of brine and musk) needed to be filled by a little DIY podcast called Don't Be An Idiom. Now, I'm not saying I enjoy the podcast — oh hell no. In fact, I hate it. But I enjoy hating it! And that feels good. Better than raw goat liver on a Sunday morn. I'd hate to flog a dead horse, but I must insist that you wrangle up the courage to listen to this episode to the end and see if these dumbos take things a bridge too far. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get a visit from me too. Wink, wink, gludge, gludge!

Episode 74: Well boys, do ya want the good news or the bad news first? Bad news? Ok. So there’s no fun way to say this, but you’re being sued. By who you ask? Apparently the folks at Little Tables don’t take kindly to being poked fun at. The good news is lawyer daddy’s found a loophole in the Ohio state legislature. All ya gotta do is cough up a couple of silver spoons for greasy Judge Mancrow’s hairy grandkids. Unfortunately, the Mancrow clan is fertile as all get out! I heard this one story about Sue-Ellen Mancrow, the judge’s 12th daughter, getting pregnant with a shimp baby just by taking a bath in a tub full of king prawns! That doesn’t even make sense! Neither does most of Episode 74. Slurp it up!

Listen, if you're visiting America and you want to avoid monsters, it's downright impossible. Say you're after a nice little vacation in New England and you're dying to go for a little swamp stroll; well, who do you think will be waiting in the thicket, ready to stare you down and drown your lazy ass? Exactly right — the Pukwudgies! These lil porcupine bastards have been wreaking havoc since the Wampanoag ruled these lands. Maybe you're more of a desert kind o' explorer. That's all good, but you better be on the lookout for Giant Sky Clams because one might bite you right on the buttocks. It could happen! So go grab your Do Be A Monster koozie (which can be purchased on the Don't Be An Idiom Bandcamp or when you become a Patreon Patron) and dive into the fourteenth installment of the podcast Nosferatu once referred to as "too stinky".

Episode 73: It’s the semi-annual Don’t Be An Idiom Zoo fire sale! That’s right, our zoo is on fire and all of our remaining idiomatic animals are on sale and they are going FAST, Jack! We’ve got guinea pigs, dark horses…er, uh…dark pigs, guinea horses, and much, MUCH more! But seriously folks, you’re gonna wanna get over here while the getting’s good 'cause the smell of singed animal hair and broken dreams is getting a bit overwhelming. But be forewarned, our Dracula landlord is NOT happy with us and he’s been picking off some of our less fortunate zoo patrons in some sort of misplaced “you-owe-me-six-months-of-back-rent-so-I’m-drinking-my-fill” revenge plot. So yeah, episode 73! Do it!

Episode 72: Happy Friday the 13th, y’all! We know, we know, it’s not Friday the 13th right noooooooow, but it was when we recorded this shit! To celebrate the big bad day AND the release of Episode 72 the boys cooked ya up a big ol’ pot of spooky spaghetti and malevolent meatballs and slopped it up with a terrifying trough of murderous marinara. What’s that? We forgot the bread you say? Don’t make us laugh maniacally! Of course we swung by Tony Role’s Roll Emporium and picked up a baker’s dozen! So take a seat at our demonic dinner table, grab a killer cabaret, and eat until your eyes pop out and you accidentally eat those too! We’re so Vlad you made it! We’re so Vlad you made it! JINX! BUY US A COKE!

Episode 71: Helloooooooo nurses! We know you’ve been waiting all year for this one. It’s the FAIRLY ANNUAL DBAI NEW YEAR’S EXTRAVAGANZA-SODE! The fur is flying and there’s no denying that you’ll be crying if you miss out on the first episode of 2023! Look, we understand that you and this podcast are joined at the hip and that’s why we’re taking you on a trip…a busman’s holiday if you will. Where are we going you ask? To answer is no simple task. So why don’t you just relask? The boys are behind the wheel now and the meter ain’t running! In fact, it’s spinning backwards like an Australian slot machine and now you’re MAKING MONEY (money, money)! What we’re trying to say is, we’d be remiss if we didn’t encourage you to tune in for the splendor that is Episode 71. You’ve earned it after what happened last year — you know what we’re talking about, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, HURRRRRRRL!!!).

Episode 70: But soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the Egg, and Juliet is the yolk. But enough of that romance shiiiiiit! The boys are coming in hot with a three-egg omelette of idiomatic enlightenment that just may blow your front side off! And if you think for even a single second that the dudes are slowing down, you can just think again, compadre! There’s no rest for the weary genius, so the Land of Nod’s gonna have to wait another forty winks for these Italian stallions to unfurl their rucksacks and pay homage to His Dark Lord, Monsieur Sandman. Speaking of single seconds, don’t you dare think for an ADDITIONAL SECOND that the fellas are gonna start phoning it in and placating to middle America! It will be a cold, nay, a FRIGID day on the shores of the Satanic Sea when you find your heroes lying side by side in the Procrustean bed of corporate sellouts! We may be 70, but we’ve still got the hearts of black metal Viking walruses! And we shall ride the sky road on the wings of demonic vulture

It's that time of the season when the boys get a-bristlin'! Seriously, folks. Teeth over here are gettin' sharp as all dang hell and the wolf hairs are poppin' out like glochids on a cactus. This is why it feels mighty fine to drop the thirteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. This one's bound to get your tentacles glip glopping all over the frigging place. First, let's just get this out of the way: have we ever said a monster can't be cute? Of course not! We would never say that. Just ask the Jackalope. Surely you've heard of the revered Jackalope and perhaps have even seen one once while riding a dunebuggy through the deserts of Wyoming. Then we've got the Snallygaster. This eighteenth century dragon-bird-freakazoid from Maryland will definitely get you itchin' to see more beaks with teeth. So sit back, relax, throw on a cyclops mask, and hit play; it's time to do some monster huntin' with the boys who make the noise.

Episode 69: We-ow! Does it feel like someone slipped you a Mickey? Maybe you just had one too many Thanksgiving Arbor Mists. Remember those? Well, if you’ve arisen from your holiday haze and been like, “Whyyyyy?!” maybe what you need is a big old dose of DBAI! Episode 69 is here and your hangover is merely a paper tiger. So pour yourself a massive Bloody Mary (and let’s just pause for a second and think how cool THAT drink name is!), and let the boyz fill your brain with nonsense and simultaneously erase some embarrassing pants-pissing memory from your childhood…or adulthood. We don’t judge here. Except Judge Dredd! Which we do every 3rd full moon! Awooooooo! Peace broskis.

Episode 68: It’s your big debut (metaphorically). You’ve finally landed the lead role (in a strictly metaphorical sense). Your dead parents are in the audience, and they’re proud of you…for once. You gotta get out there, kid. You can’t rest on your laurels of being the world’s smallest mole-wrangler in the mall forever. If ya need a little audiophonic courage, pop in Episode 68 of DBAI, forget your lines, and oh yeah — break a leg!

Episode 67: Happy Halloweiner, everyone! We know you love us 'cause you’ve got that sweet, sweet Stockholm syndrome for your hostesses with the mostesses! But don’t worry, we’re putting away the heavy metal for one night; it’s goin' to be all treats and no tricks. The Idiom Boys just wanna haunt your house so they can watch your sweet television, baby! So, cover yourself in shrouds and listen louds! Long live Lansbury! (Oh yeah, it’s finally here: www.patreon.com/dontbeanidiom)

Episode 66: Did a stray cat sitting on the roof of a car in the rain distract you just long enough to catch your ex walking into her house? No? Just Albert? Well, I guess it’s time for someone to be escorted to the old booby hatch! If being locked in a padded room is giving you the pip, wriggle a pinky out of your strait-jacket just enough to hit play on Episode 66 of DBAI. We can’t guarantee it will tighten the screws in your brain, but surely it can’t make things worse…right?! Take your pills, check under your tongue, sit back and let the boys cure what ails you. And hey, CHEER UP!

Episode 65: Hey all you angry DBAI fans out there! A little bird (actually, he was huge as shit!) told us that y’all had an axe to grind with The Idiom Boys for taking a little much needed R&R. Well, we’re BACK BABY and we’re older than ever! Season 4 has so much in store, you’ll be in love forevermore! We’ve been navigating our fever dreams through the dark forests of our subconscious minds in search of the fabled Slickblack Mindfuck Tree in hopes of harvesting its poisonous eggcorns to fry up in an omelet of sweet oblivion for you, our devoted fans. And by hook or by crook, we’re gonna do it, dammit! We love you…we missed you…let the feast of a trillion decibels commence!

Quick question for ya: Is there such thing as too many eyeballs? Of course not. Is there such thing as teeth that are too long and too sharp? Uh, try no. How about size? Can a monster be, like, too large? Aw, hell no! Here in the twelfth installment of Do Be A Monster, Albert and Ryan would just like to say that we like our monsters too darn big to hide! But smaller monsters are grand as well. Take the Storsjöodjuret for example: he's not unbelievably large by any means, but he does like to get wet in Lake Storsjön, and when a monster gets wet, a monster drips...and that is what's up. Then there's the Tatzelwurm. Tatzelwurms may only be seven feet long, but they do have the tendency to scare the boots off of Alpine hikers, and we think that's just creeptastic. So come join the boys as they explore some European monstrosities; you’ll be singin’ swoo swoo swoo to yourself by the end of the hour!

Episode 64: We’re doing a special choose-your-own-adventure version of DBAI for episode 64! Actually, it’s more of a Hobson’s choice adventure where you can choose any new episode to listen to as long as it’s number 64! And we know what some of you may be thinking: Why should I waste my time with this rinky-dink podcast when I could be listening to someone famous like Conan or Ron Burgundy? Well, it may surprise you to hear this, but Don’t Be An Idiom is big in Japan. Huge, even! So, suck on that dirty egg, grandma! Happy American Nightmare weekend!

Episode 63: As the wind rustles the leaves of the plane trees, a little pallino rolls and bumps its way along the sand. No larger than a golf ball, he demands the respect of the entire universe; he is the real McCoy. One after the other, the bocce tumble towards their master, forever battling to be within reach of that humble, petite, white orb. Crack, swoosh, tick. Mamma mia, there is always one who wins the coveted attention of pallino, and today it is you. However, in the blink of an eye, that pattern of stationary planets so enchantingly arranged in the divots of sand must be knocked about once more…and there's the rub; the cycle continues as the wee ball travels away from the bocce, a solitary god daring all who look upon him to come to him again. There is no permanent satisfaction here, just the ceaseless yearning to be close to little pallino.