Don't Be An Idiom

Episode 62: All right ya whippersnappers, settle the heck down! We’ve got your precious little Episode 62 right here — don’t you worry. What’s that? You wanna speak to her? Well now, I’m sorry, but that would be outside the parameters of our little agreement. But rest assured, she’s alive and well…more or less. As long as you don’t go acting like a dunce, we can all come out of this smelling like mama’s rose bushes. Just hand over the 5-star reviews and we’ll give you your precious 62. Slowly now! Noooo falssssse mooooves…

Episode 61: Is your dad sitting at the kitchen table making deck notes? Is the family dog eyeing your dad lazily from the kitchen floor? Is the murmur of Rick Williams’ voice from the living room TV slowly lulling you to either sleep or insanity? If you answered "yes" to all of these questions then you are Albert of the famed and celebrated podcast Don’t Be An Idiom. If you answered "no" to any of these questions then you are Ryan, god-king of that sonic universe earth-folk call "Don’t Be An Idiom". What’s that you say? There are “others” that one can be? Surely, you’ve been listening to Rick Williams’ murmurs for far too long. So whoever you are (of the two only choices), be sure to grab a BIG-OL' Sharpie and fill in that widow’s peak until the tax man forgets you. That’s it, you are now supreme. What else could one possibly ask for in this life…an egg in your beer?

With the winter finally behind us, it feels like a mighty fine time to go a-monster hunting. Welcome to the eleventh installment of Do Be A Monster in which lifelong creature-nerds, Albert and Ryan, hang out with a couple of fantastically fresh freakazoids. If you feel a chill in the air, that's because the Wendigo is among us, bringin' on some cold winds and a taste for delicious human flesh. We've also got the disturbing Hobyahs who will be sure to tear down your hempstalk house, eat your parents, and provide you with a future rich with nightmares. Join us as we explore some cannibalistic creeps from around the world. Look me! Look me!

Episode 60: Lixty! Lixty! Look who’s sixty! The boys are demonstrating that the proof is truly in the pudding by celebrating a nice, round-numbered episode the only way they know how…by crushing Iron City brews and wolfing down Monster pepperoni rolls straight from the black and yellow heart of Pittsburgh! Yinz be trippin’ if yinz thought the boys couldn’t scrounge up some fresh turns of phrases for yinz asses! Do the right thing…call outta work and hit that play button. This one’s for you, Uncle Mike!

Never let it be said that The Idiom Boys are a one-trick pony. Nay, not even a two-trick pony! That’s right, the fellas are embarking on their third and possibly greatest adventure yet! It all began with a pizza box and a dream. And that pizza box became their ship, and that dream was the wind in their greasy sails that would carry them to the faraway shores of the island of Stromboli, where a smoldering volcano lies in wait like a sleeping Tolkien dragon. As with most things the dudes do, they had no idea what long-forgotten juju they were conjuring up when they first spoke the magic words, “Let’s get a strombo!”

Episode 59: Been stuck in the doldrums lately? Have no fear, the idiom winds are here! So round up your motliest crew and chart a course for knowledge with a glop of goof on the side. If you’re still down in the dumps by the end of the episode, you can leave us a message at 1-800-WHOGIVESACRAP! Just kidding. We love yous. Take it away, Larry!

Episode 58: Yoo-hoo all you true blue DBAI fans! Episode 58 is dropping hard like fantastic rocks as big as boulders from the sky! Let’s get right down to brass tacks about it: Episode 58 is goin' to drop like the mighty hammer of Thor upon thy sweet crown! If you even see a pea-sized shadow of Episode 58 above you, it is already too late for it shall drop upon thee with all of the devastation of the comet that smote the dinosaurs into oblivion! So, yeah, don’t miss it.

Episode 57: You there! Where do you think you’re going? It’s well past curfew and yet your sorry ass is still skulking around like a king o’ the creeps. Well, we like your style, sonny! Now, there’s no reason for anyone to go postal. Why don’t you let your favorite boys tie you to a post till morning instead? And while we’re at it, why don’t you let us pop episode 57 in your ear holes? You know what they say…57 sounds like heaven. So relax, don’t struggle against the ties that bind. Maybe we’ll do that one next time!

Episode 56: Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama to Key Largo, Montego, baby why don’t we go down to Cloak-o-mo? Thaaaat’s right folks! Please have your tickets out and ready for this non-stop sonic trip to beautiful, sunny Cloak-o-mo, where the only trial by fire you’ll experience is for the accused suckling pig at the new moon luau! And just between you and us, he’s guilty, guilty, GUILTY!…of being finger-slurpin’ good, that is! Check your cloak and dagger and PANTS at the door, 'cause there’s no way your spouse can find you here! We’ve hired the Spouse Mouse to be sure of that, and he’ll be singing “Don’t Come Around Here No More”, you can be sure! But hey, enough business talk. The boys got the job done, so you just sit back and have fun. Episode 56 is coming in as hot as an iron bar between your ears! And we mean that in the best way possible. Spouse Mouse, we out!

Episode 55: Now listen up all you toadies 'cause we're only goin' to say this once. This is the double-nickel episode and you better fucking appreciate it. We went through a lot of literal shit to bring you this episode a week late, and you didn't even text. We know you've had a tough week; we've aaaaaall had a tough week. So relax (and make sure you're really relaxed) and pop a toad in your mouth and enjoy the highly anticipated Episode Fifty-Five. And if that toad starts a-foamin' you shall not sue us, for we do not have last names. Fin.

It's a slimy business, but Albert and Ryan are dedicated to the calling (as evidenced by this momentous episode). Here it is, the tenth installment of Do Be A Monster and there are still so many muck-mouths and bulging-eyeballs to cover. To celebrate the new year, Ryan brings the Malaysian penanggalan to the airwaves; well, at least her head and entrails. Meanwhile, Albert would like to introduce (all the way from Deutschland) the terrible Alp! If you've ever felt a bit too much weight on your chest while sleeping, you've probably already met him. Come join us for another romp down the avenue of creepy creatures and fascinating freaks! Stick around for a special Do Be A Monster giveaway. Hint: show us your monster!

Episode 54: Hey sports fans! Were your collective ears a-burning? That's 'cause it's the freakin' weekend and your boys are bringing it hard! So strap on your headphones with a clamp because there's no taking-a-mulligan on this episode! On an unrelated note, Ryan found an iguana and guess what? We're keeping it! Sorry Craigslist! Happy Holidays, ya wankers. Love, Don't Be An Idiom

Episode 53: What in the Sam Hill are you doing NOT listening to Episode 53 of DBAI right now? Reading this I suppose! Well, don't make a pig's ear out of your Friday; hit that play button bay-bay! The boys are fucking all fired up about the new episode and especially the new song. Skip to the end, then start over again! When asked what of Episode 53, megafan Paul Giamatti says, "I ALWAYS go SIDEWAYS for Don't Be An Idiom!" I dunno, write your own description. We be ouuuut!

Episode 52: Tired of sitting by the m-box all day long? Us neither! Episode 52 is coming in hot and it's gonna piss your boss off! So, kick against the pricks and walk tall with holes in your body and your shirt covered in black blood. And when they ask you how you want your severance pay, tell 'em the whole shebang sent ya! Buy yourself a clue and listen to Episode 52...like, yesterday!

Sniff, sniff. What’s that? I smell another monster episode, right jolly! In this ninth installment, the boys get wet, wet, wet in the billabongs of Australia and the river beds of Japan! Throw on your goggles and peek the Bunyip. Then slap on your galoshes and trip the fantastic with the magnificent Kappa (actually, it's best if you hold onto your butts)! If we don’t say someone’s doing something, you might not notice. Wink wink. Regularly scheduled idiom broadcasting returns next time. Send $10.

Engulfed in fog, you find yourself covered in a viscous ooze shimmering in the pale light of the barley moon. Crawling towards a distant sound, howls of horror echo through the air until you come upon an old radio, crackling like a thousand footsteps on fallen leaves. For a moment, terror grips you...until you hear the familiar voices of your old maniacal guides through monster mythology: Albert and Ryan. Momentarily distracted, you are caught off guard by a terrible maw that consumes your head...pity. But there in the awful depths of alien viscera you can still make out the rumblings of a mountain-top creature that haunts the peaks of the Rocky Mountains and a nauseating witch-companion from the Westfjords of Iceland. All is well when your head's in a bell, you suppose. As for you other miscreations, come get goopy with the boys and learn all about the Slide-Rock Bolter and the abominable Tilberi in this eighth installment of Do Be A Monstaaah!

Episode 51: Let’s get one thing straight: this is not fucking official. The boys got some hot goss' that you’re gonna wanna eavesdrop on like yesterday, so Brylcreem that hair back hard and give a listen. But be careful what you listen for...there’s no proof that it’s real. When things go bump in the night, just know that you’ll be alright. The boys are here and (good news) the tests came back clear! Clear of sanity, that is! Since you’re nutzo, why not listen to episode 51 before you strip naked and try to love a cop’s gun?

Episode 50: Speak of the devil…and episode 50 shall appear! “Episode 50, episode 50, episode 50!” We never said you had to say it three times! What do you think this is? Bloody Mary? Beetlegeuse? Clearly not Candyman 'cause that would require five repetitions. Just stop talking, okay? Sit back and relax. Kick off your shoes and feet and open up a fresh can of Alpo dog food. You’ve had a long week and you deserve a bit-o-pampering. Let the boys’ velvety voices take you to places that would make your wife puke-o-rama sick. If you’re not on cloud 9 by the time the episode's over, there’ll be a free Wawa shorti coupon under your welcome mat by Christmas morn. No welcome mat? No problem! Just jackhammer the neighbor’s front steps until something happens…something big. *Da fine print: Wawa shorti coups will be swiftly downgraded to junior hoags if your neighbor overpowers you before 30 minutes of solid jacking has occurred. This offer is not available in Belarus.

Episode 49: Hear ye, hear ye! All Mavericks agree—Episode 49 is the bee's knees! Don't make us describe why you should want to subscribe. Don't Be An Idiom is well and alive! That's it. Call in.

Episode 48: Have you got the August blues? Do you go to bed each night praying that you won’t see the morning light? And then when you wake up, you’re scared and a little balder and fatter than you were the day before? It’s okay to be scared. We’re all scared. Don’t let the bastards 86 the summer without a fight! The boys have episode forty-eight locked and loaded and they’re coming on like gangbusters! So strap on your party-parachute and hit the responsibility eject button one last time. This is the hill to die on! Tell two friends.