Don't Be An Idiom

Episode 93: Greetings dudes and dudettes! We heard some of you were getting worried that DBAI had gone dark. Well have no fear, Episode 93 is finally here! Now grab a beer and listen very clear, because it’s the first official episode of the year! So give a cheer and hug a deer. And if that deer should look at you rather queer…well...just don’t worry about it, I guess. WE will tell YOU when to worry. Worry when pigs fly, dude! You are a particle on a worm in the egg of the universe? Words f l o a t o f f t h e p a g e . . .

Episode 92: HOCUS POCUS, DEMONS CHOKE US, WIND AND RAIN AND SLEET AND SNOW, LET’S GET READY FOR THE SHOW! [Poof!] Did you feel that tenner leave your pocket just then? No? Good, nevermind. Welcome to Don’t Be An Idiom! If you’re looking for a little bit of word history and a lotta bit of charming anecdotes we’ve got buttloads of both! Speaking of butts, why don’t you park yours on your favorite senator’s lawn and crank Episode 92 up until the cops take you, dead or alive! VIVA LA IDIOMA!!

Episode 91: [Sirens blare] Attention pathetic inhabitants of planet Earth! We have entered your atmosphere and you like didn’t even know it. We are here to inform you that you are basically the turds of the universe. Your overinflated egos are an ironic and laughable contrast to your milquetoast approach to “science” and exploration. I put science in quotes because what you call “science” is less advanced than what we call “dogs” are capable of on our planet. We are obviously also here to conquer you and absorb your planet’s pitiful excuse for resources. We don’t even really need them; we just want to watch you squirm like the sad sour rat-maggots that you are. And don’t bother taxing your small brains with the idea of defending yourselves. Our superior weaponry would literally leave your unborn great grandchildren punch drunk in several alternate dimensions. Yes, we have that technology. So you might as well sit back, try to relax and prepare yourselves for audial probing. There are worse things than listeni

If you're looking to get your creep on, you've come to the right place: the eighteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. We'll be setting sail for the Orkney Islands in today's episode and you may want to watch what you eat, because if you catch sight of the Nuckelavee, you're probably going to upchuck. We suggest a nice hot plate of haggis, neeps, and tatties (and be sure to stay close to fresh water). Later, we'll be heating things up with the charming Mongolian Death Worm who has been known to slither around the Gobi Desert. Hold onto your butt if you've got a desert cruise planned for the summer! Get them ears pointy, them fangs sharpened up, those eyes yellow and glowing, and throw in your headphones; it's monster huntin' time.

Episode 90: Have you ever ridden your bicycle through the woods and heard the paper-crinkle sound of two husks of men stumbling over the detritus of a thousand seasons reaching towards your back wheel? And when you look back, you aren't even freaked out or concerned just completely bewildered by the spectacle because you've never seen such shells of men before with sunken eyes and lizard grey skin? And you quickly realize that these unfortunate entities are not after your bicycle wheels or brand new Wellingtons but are instead ravenous for your satchel of eggs which you have foolishly let hang down well below your waist? And although you can't be sure, you know if you bear witness to the consumption of these eggs by these two worthless wraiths, it just might make you so sick that you could never eat an egg again? Well if so, then this episode is a lot like that and you can rest assured that you've already been around the block and know what's about to go down. So give in to Episode 90 and celebrate another te

Episode 89: Upsa-daisy, biscuits and gravy, mama’s in the kitchen with the Michelin baby. Papa’s in the woodshed, he can’t stop...sharpening his ax for the Gordian knot. Onesie, twosie, threesie, foursie, tax man’s knocking at the doorsie. Mama throws the gravy in his face; Papa swings his ax and their debt’s erased! Enjoy episode eighty-ninezy. It’s a doozy!

If it's April 1st, it must be time for another serving of Let's Get A Strombo—the only podcast dedicated to the tastiest pizza shop treat this side of the Marinara River. With the bells to prove it, the boys have put in the work and not only surfed a wave of agita over the past few weeks, but delved into the deepest pools of philosophy surrounding the famed strombo. You'll hear so much about strombos, you might need to pause to get the grease out o' your ears! So loosen that belt and hit play for it is time to get a strombo.

Episode 88: Horsefeathers! Episode 88 already? I say, I say, where does the time go? The boys are back, tight, and rock hard with a FULL episode…song and everything! We were feeling like the low man on the totem pole there for a minute, but we’re back on top now baby! But is that actually a good thing? Listen now and find out.

Episode 87: When in Rome, do as the Romans do...and this week Albert and Ryan visited Sickboy Land where two customs reign supreme: delay releasing one's podcast and run out of time to write an end-of-the-episode song. However, the boys ain't the type to draw legs on a snake and thought it best to give the people what they've got—which is one bebop zoomin' episode that'll make you cover your face in bees and straddle a hog. You can be sure that by the end of the hour you'll be thieving pizza and scream-slobbering at your grandmother about the audacity of the Holy Trinity! Speaking of holy trinities, we are now accepting mail to our PO Box in Philadelphia and strictly accepting bowls of macarooni, jugs of wine, and cigarettes. Snail mail us asap for a chance to be included in our annual Lupercalia Festival raffle! Make some noise with the idiom boys and kick start the internal combustion engine that is Episode 87. End song courtesy of New York thrash/metalcore gods Zombie Apocalypse.

Episode 86: Maaaaaaaan! Y’all are the lowest, lousiest buncha flea-bitten scum suckers I ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on! I mean, really. What is the deal with your whole face-head? I say, I’ve got a right mind to scatter all you lily-livered polecats to the freakin’ four winds! On the other hand, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime! I can see the headlines now: SWARTHY PODCAST GOONS LICK MILQUETOAST AUDIENCE INTO SHAPE FOR LOW, LOW PRICE $$ WOMEN SWOON IN THEIR PRESENCE! MEN SWOON AT THE THOUGHT OF WOMEN SWOONING! “IT’S LOLLAPASWOONSA OVA HEEEERE!” REMARKS GEORGE SWOONEY. Alright, I’ve made up my mind. I’ll do it! Just a couple quick caveats first. I don’t do weekends, holidays, bathrooms, laundry, or kissing. What I do on my personal time is my business. MY BUSINESS, YA GOT THAT?! So yeah, listen to Episode 86 and become a version of yourself that doesn’t suck eggs quite as much.

Crunch…crunch…crunch…CRUNCH! What’s that?! Albert munching on unsalted almonds? No, you idiot, it’s the latest episode of Do Be A Monster! Pour yourself a Scotch and strap in 'cause the boys are going to take you on a wild rollercoaster ride from the peaks of Ben Macdui to romp with The Big Grey Man all the way down to the dirty, forgotten bathhouses of Japan to slurp up some fun with the Akaname! This one’s got it all folks: Scots, scum, fur, tongue! [Makes the sign of the cross] Remember in the Neverending Story when the kid hides in the attic of the school and eats half an apple while reading the book under a dirty old rat-piss blanket? Yeah, do that with the seventeenth installment of Do Be A Monster!

Episode 85: Forget the Christmas goose and throw the figgy pudding out the window because the only thing good enough for all you idiomats out there is whatever abomination to nature rolls out of the boys’ big old sack of due corrections after this year’s annual Don’t Be An Idiom Holiday Snipe Hunt Extravaganza! We’ll be sucking down snouts and picking our teeth with hide bristles until our bells be ringing the glad, glad news! So grab your gongs and heed the call! I think I just spotted one hiding under your sweet pappy’s pork pie hat! Tally Hooooooo!!!

Episode 84: From soup to nuts, we here at DBAI Inc. are wishing you and yours a crappy Thanksgiving! And if your great step grammy starts wailing like a banshee 'cause there’s chunkers in the mashed potaters, give her some sound advice and tell her, “DON’T BE AN IDIOM, GRANNY!” That’s all folks!

Episode 83: Trick or treat, kiddies! Episode 83 is coming at ya like a bat out of Hell on this dark day when the veil between worlds is thinner than your podcast hosts’ hair! So, whether you’re haunting the spooky streets like little Tony Provolone, or kicking back in your favorite lawn chair handing out fun-size salamis to all the little shits in the neighborhood, make sure you give your ears a little treat this Samhain. The treat is episode 83, if that wasn’t clear. And though this is an idiom episode, on Halloween we’d be remiss if we didn’t say DO BE A MONSTER!

Episode 82: Greetings, boils and ghouls! We hope you didn’t stay up until the witching hour this weekend waiting for your favorite podcast to disgrace you with its presence. You see, the boys have been going through some…changes, and have come to the conclusion that Fridays are spooky-cool enough on their own. Mondays, on the other hand, keep showing up like a bad penny, so we’ve decide to help soften the blows with a little biweekly idiomatic intervention. For those brave souls that actually read these write-ups, you’re probably thinking, “Well this bites the big one!” But don’t fret my pets, change is inevitable…just remember, it’s also inedible! So if you want to make sense, don’t eat money, ok? TGIM!

Look at you. You are covered in dirt and you have just dug up the sixteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. For better or worse, the tentacles of this Shoggoth of an episode will travel deep into your consciousness and reveal all sorts of mischieveous monsters and mayhem. For starters, Albert will take you by the hand to the borderlands of Scotland and England where he will introduce you to the Red Cap — a goblin with a very specific need for blood and a penchant for making abodes of abandoned castles. Next up, Ryan will lead you through the history of the foundation of Detroit where a red demon named Nain Rouge has been lingering for centuries, warning Michigan residents of impending doom (or causing it). So pour yourself a bowl of Count Chocula and hit play if you dare — this episode is bound to give you a whopping scare!

Episode 81: If thine fruit is ripe, pluck it! And if thy root beer doth chill, sip it! This is the kind of Augustan era philosophizing you're going to get in this week's bodacious episode of idiom history sleuthing. Yahs, the fellas really go the whole nine yards with fascinating rivulets that include stacked white tires and the depth of a rich man's grave. So carpe diem and enter the world of Don't Be An Idiom.

Episode 80: Whoa, Nelly! Word on the street is we’ve got some quislings in our midst. It seems that some of you have been dabbling in various forms of VISUAL media behind our backs! Honestly, we’re just a little hurt. I mean, the boob tube? Really? It’s not even what it sounds like! I thought we all agreed that the only entertainment you need to know…is audi audi audi-YO?! And we’re not into the whole ENM listeners thing, so you can either stick with us or take the bus! Episode 80 has all the delicious sounds you need without all the pesky distractions of moving pictures. So give your eyeballs a rest. Heck, why don’t ya put 'em in a dirty old jelly jar until tomorrow? We promise not to steal them.

Episode 79: Ah, summer. There’s just something about it. How it harkens us back to the halcyon days of daisy chains, tire swings, a glass of sweet mammy’s lemonade on the back porch, more daisy chains…”WEE-OO WEE-OO! ATTENTION, THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT! THE US GOVERNMENT! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, SUMMER HAS BEEN DEEMED ILLEGAL DUE TO RECORD HIGH LEVELS OF PLEASURE ALONG WITH AN OVERALL LACK OF PRODUCTIVITY! IT’S SIMPLY UNAMERICAN! ALL IPHONE CALENDARS HAVE BEEN REMOTELY UPDATED TO SEPTEMBER 1ST! AND DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING OFF FOR LABOR DAY! ALL US RESIDENTS SHALL BE REQUIRED TO WORK A FULL 24 HOUR SHIFT ON ALL FUTURE LABOR DAYS! I MEAN, COME ON PEOPLE, IT’S NOT CALLED UN-LABOR DAY! IT’S AMAZING WE LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT ONE FOR SO LONG! MESSAGE TERMINATED….ALONG WITH SWEET SUMMER…SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?” What?! They can’t actually do that can they? Say it ain’t so! Say it ain’t sooooooo! Get ready peeps, you know it’s coming. In the meantime, veg hard on Episode 79. You’ll be feeling fine…for now.

Episode 78: You awake in a small, neatly furnished room. You rise from the bed and walk over to the mirror sitting atop the dresser at the far end of the room. It is not a long walk. There’s no recognition in the face staring back at you. The face is neither overly attractive, nor what you would consider ugly. It’s the kind of face that would blend easily into a crowd and be forgotten the moment it left one’s sight. You move to the window and behold tall, knotty pines. The mid afternoon sun hangs low in the sky and makes you feel sick to your stomach…but you don’t know why. That’s when you realize you’re not alone. Beads of cold sweat swell on your forehead as you’re hit with an unmistakable feeling of déjà vu. There are footsteps on the stairs now. A smell rises up in your nostrils. Something sickly sweet and familiar that you can’t quite place. You move to the door as quickly as you can to turn the lock. The instant you hear the click, your sigh of relief is stifled in your throat as whatever is on the othe