Don't Be An Idiom

Episode 47: What? Did you think it was going to be an all monster summer? Look, the idiom boys would never pass the buck on ya to find your own word histories. You can bet your bottom buck that ain't all she wrote when it comes to our beloved fans! Now, relax that brain so we can penetrate it with funky fresh knowledge. We're goin' in through the eyeballzzzz.

Over the course of fifteen days, Albert and Ryan traversed America in search of cryptids, ghosts, witches, and monsters. For this seventh installment of Do Be A Monster, the fellas recount the second half of the route and the many creeps along the way including Huggin' Molly, Altie the Sea Monster, Bigfoot, and more! So pack your anti-ghostwitch spray, pull up your alien laser reflector overalls, and slap on your Sasquatch sensitive compass-watch for Part II of the first official Monster Road Trip! Regularly scheduled Don't Be An Idiom programming returns next episode.

Over the course of fifteen days, Albert and Ryan traversed America in search of cryptids, ghosts, witches, and monsters. For this sixth installment of Do Be A Monster, the fellas recount the first half of the route and the many creeps along the way including the Loveland Frogman, the Hopkinsville Goblins, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more! So pack your footprint casting kit, lower your infrared ghoul goggles, and buckle up your slime saturated beast belt for Part I of the first official Monster Road Trip!

Episode 46: While the boys while away on a Do Be A Monster road trip, you can listen to this tasty bit of nautical content! Now batten down the hatches and brace the storm of idiom information!

Episode 45: Are you a loner? Are you a crazy, wide-eyed loner on a doomed space mission to Venus? Did you catch cornflakes disease on the way there? If so, we've got the only cure this side of the Milky Way. It's episode 45, of course! So, quit taking the piss and cue that shit up! Unless of course you're...namby-pamby.

Episode 44: Whistle, wastle, whistle, wastle. Did you hear them whispery weasel words reverberating through the kitchen walls? That must mean that today's episode is hogwashed and ready to roll! So, break off all prior engagements, sit in a dark, sound-proof, misery-proof, responsibility-proof closet, and listen hard...very, very hard. You WILL love your life! You WON'T be hungry for content! One and all, chant along: Episode Forty-Four. We. Want. Some. More.

Episode 43: If an episode falls in the woods and the only "living" things around to "hear" it are some sort o' dystopian futuristic cyborg birds (let's call them cybirdz), does it make a sound? The answer is, "What do you care? You've long been dead!" Lucky for you it's the present and boy have we got a present for you! Don't rack your brain trying to choose which wordy podcast to listen to. The choice is clear! So quit playing fast and loose with that dial and tune into Episode 43 of Don't Be An Idiom. A thank you, thank you very much.

Episode 42: Today's episode is a maritime trash picker's delight, chock-full of idiomatic flotsam and jetsam to cram into the Fibber McGee's closet of your brain hole. Sit back and while away the hour as the boys regale you with new stories about one of their favorite topics...trash! Listen now or forever moweth the lawn.

Episode 41: Once in a blue moon, a hero emerges from the dusty trails of a forgotten dream. A silhouette against a blood-red setting sun, sand and grit in the creases of his jeans, a weathered hat casting a shadow upon his whiskered face, phantom carrots haunting his stinking doltish brain, a trusted four-legged companion by his side neighing deeply (annoyingly perhaps) into the wind...which is a hot, hot wind. His name? Roy. His companion? Boney Boy. Baffled? Befuddled? Bewildered? Drink a goddamn Rolling Rock and you'll find that the contentment you are so tirelessly searching for across them dry desert plains of existence is right there. Yes, it's in the bag.

In this fifth installment of Do Be A Monster, the boys take the show on the road! Traveling to different points of Cape Cod, Albert and Ryan explore several mythical creatures associated with the Cape. This mini-episode was recorded on location in a West Yarmouth cottage, a stone's throw away from the Beast of Truro, the Marsh People of Barnstable, Moshup the Giant, and an hour east of the Dover Demon. Regularly scheduled Don't Be An Idiom programming will return with a vengeance in two weeks! Today, enjoy some monster teeth with your clam chowder.

Welcome earthlings to the fourth installment of Albert and Ryan's sideshow pod, Do Be A Monster. Today the boys take a break from the idiom universe to traverse the stars and skies in an episode dedicated to glowy-eyed, winged weirdos from the great beyond...aliens! Aye, it's an extraterrestrial audial festival of creepy cryptids and cosmic freakazoids. Albert leads the way to Point Pleasant, West Virginia to tango with the mysterious Mothman while Ryan heads two hours east for a wee romp with the Phantom of Flatwoods. Stick around till the end of the episode for an interview with the alien-influenced electronic music duo Losaquis (our Colombian brothers from another mother)!

Episode 40: Now serving ticket number 40 at the Far Out Deli of Cosmic Knowledge. Press your face against the display case of our finest array of language lunch meats. We've got hyperbole ham steak that is right on the edge but still full price (we wouldn't want to insult you with a clearance price), links of simile sausage as long as the Lambton worm, metaphor mortadella that'll have you begging for "morcy", and don't forget the coup de grâce...fresh ground rat dogs. You'll be feeling hunky dory when you step into the limelight of supermarket stardom! Is this some sort of supermarket themed TV show? No. But you won't know the difference once you've slid our rotten meats down your gullet. They don't call it a "trip" to the deli for nothing! Did we say limelight yet? Limelight. Oh wait, we already said it. Don't forget the yellow mustard.

Episode 39: Has your magic talking frog led you astray and now you're pulling double-scrub duty? Why not kill time with a podcast? Hey, WE'RE a podcast! So if your fragile joy is hanging by a thread, venture on out of the boondocks of your soul and plug into some electrifying oral idiom exploration. The sword of Damocles is poised to plummet at any minute, so if this is to be your last stand...stand for episode 39, man.

Episode 38: Did you hear about the year? The metal ox is near! By the time you read this, he'll be here. And the boys' suits are quite sheer 'cause they're on the hunt for that sexy golden steer. So pipe down your kids and pipe down your wives. The fellas have a little present for you and it is no white elephant! Tune in for the gift that just won't stop giving. Even if you smash your radio and set your family on fire, they just can't...stop...giving.

Oh, good morning. So you've once again stumbled upon Albert and Ryan's sideshow pod. Yes, from the boys who have been bringing you Don't Be An Idiom for three whole years, it's Do Be A Monster. In this third installment of monster mania, the boys go a-huntin' for some serious beasts. Come travel to Northeast England for a slimey time with the legendary Lambton Worm and take a climb up Mount Katahdin to hang with the great and terrible Pamola. Monster Court is officially in session. Thwapp!

Episode 37: Breathe in...breathe out. That’s nice. Hey, did you just cough up a bunch of hair, deer, mice and dust? Maybe you’ve been watching too much TV lately. “Is that even possible?” you wonder aloud. The answer is NOBODY KNOWS! But just to be safe, why don’t you saddle up to your favorite ham radio and tune into Episode 37 of DBAI? C’mon, it’s just an hour. Your kids won’t even know you’ve left. Leave your shoes out in the open. They’d never expect to find you crouching in the woodshed waiting for night to fall. Soon enough, they’ll never expect anything at all. Who says you can’t eat your cake and have it too? FDR and the Unabomber are waiting in the alley in their ghost-Trans-Am and they gotta full tank of ectoplasm and a haunted EZ-pass. You’re practically scot-free, friend; all you gotta do is shed that pesky mortal coil...

Episode 36: As the knell striketh twelve, look out yonder across the seven waves and blow a kiss to Auld Lang Syne. Even a phantom kiss can make an old, slumbering sea monster blush, so let loose as those new year chimes sing their first lonesome melody. And who is that sailing across the oceans of time? Could be a regular old country bumpkin who's lost his way or just a dead ringer for Father Doom. Regardless, it's best to avert these old stinky peepers and tend to the patch; the county fair is right around the corner and we've got our eyes on a baby blue ribbon named Destiny.

Tis the season for merry monsters! In this edition of Albert and Ryan’s sideshow pod, Do Be A Monster, the boys take a look at the infamous demon of Christmas — The Krampus! The fellas will also take a moment to sip on hot toddies with some other winter wondercreeps: the switch-thwacking Pennsylvania-Dutch Belsnickel, the Polish Christmas cow-creature Turón, and the Icelandic winter-witch Gryla. Grab a couple o’ cookies, pour yourself a hot chocolate, light up the Yule log, and come join Albert and Ryan for some Christmas monster musing.

Episode 35: Look through your window there. Look through the frost on the glass into that cold, cold world we like to call Earth. Oh yes, she's a wintry mamacita, ain't she? With her snowy disposition and icy touch — offering nothin' but three dog nights and bottles of rye. What's the forecast dear weatherman? Murphy's law, Murphy's law. Well, that's just fine, because tomorrow there will be free beer (at least that's what the sign said...the dingoes ate the sign). But who will eat the dingoes? Not we, not us. We're just dogs, after all. It's man eat man on Dog Earth and NASA needs a couple o' spaceship cooks. Guess who's up for the job...

Episode 34: Put down those various publications and listen up! The stink of new idioms is wafting through the window like a pie on a windowless day. Cartoon-smellfloat your way to episode thirty-four where...my cousin's being baptized in thirty minutes? Gather ye beer-battered cod while ye can, for ye famine is on ye horizon. But don't cross that horizon line too soon unless you want your mind blown to smithereens...which you do. So, ya know, pour yourself a pint and come dance the Tyburn jig at the Irish Davy Jones Extravaganza that is Episode 34. And that's a throwback! Even though the fish was thiiiiis big. Ya follow? Fa la la la la, it's a Christmas episode. Well, a light Christmas episode. You'll see.