Don't Be An Idiom

Episode 33: Who do you think you are? A rat king or a king rat? Either way, just remember the crown weigheth heavy upon thy sweet head. There's a loyalty to the royalty, so mum's the word if you see any incest in the walls of Windsor. At least you know the grapes won't be sour! Not this hour. Austin Powers. Mini-Me. Me, me, me, episode thirty-three.

Episode 32: While Uncle Sam is busy barfing in a back alley dumpster, the boys decide to tie one on and delve into the great magical mysteries of the English tongue. This time they receive a big assist from world-famous television personality Vinnie Serpente! He's no snake oil salesman, so you can just ignore all of those pesky arrest warrants the feds keep blathering on about. Besides, who else can you trust to put an end to unwanted mailman trespassing?! So grab a Victoria Bitter and buy a first class seat on the transcontinental hellroad to Idiom City; we'll get ya there faster than you can belchscream "shazam"!

From the minds that brought you Don't Be An Idiom...it's Do Be A Monster! Today you can listen to the very first episode of Albert & Ryan's brand new "sideshow pod" that explores the origin stories of mythical monsters, creatures, critters, folkloric freakazoids, unbelievable beings, and more. Today Ryan takes a dip in the cool waters of Russia to introduce you to the slimiest trouble-maker this side of the Volga River, the one and only Vodyanoy. Then traverse the south of France with Albert to explore the legendary tale of the Beast of Gévaudan. Go grab your sharpest set of teeth, a pocketful of eyeballs, and a few jugs of goop, and come on down to creep town!

Episode 31: Alright boils and ghouls, it's almost Halloween and that's as almost as this podcast is goin' to get to Halloween because we are bi-monthly and Halloween falls directly bi-tween our, you know, episode releases. So don't be a skeleton at the feast this holiday season! Grab the Frick to your Frack and don't look back! Spook it up, spook it up, spook it up. And when you get to Hell, tell 'em the Don't Be An Idiom boys sent ya. See you at the Swamp Saloon—save us a seat next to Zombie Elvis. Hoo-ha!

Episode 30: Oh, hello there. So, you've reached episode thirty, eh? Well, you must think that makes you quite the die-hard fan, eh? Well, guess what...it does! It really, really does. Albert and Ryan celebrate the big three-zero by bringing back the Ten Shots of Doom. Will they survive? Do they even want to survive? Maybe they just want to dance the Tyburn jig. Would that be such a crime? Of course not! In fact, if you're dancin' the Tyburn jig, you've probably already committed the crime. That being said, stick around until the end of the episode for a special elegy composed by local poet Cole Bryson and an apropos tune from the year 2003 titled The Bruce Willis Tribute Song.

Episode 29: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it's all about Episode 30? No way man, it's all about the lead in. What do you want? You want lions? Tigers? You want a fuckin', uh, elephant? You got it. How about a Roman legion? How about this? Two idiom boys enter the Colosseum but only one leaves with his head. Suck on that, Paul Newman. Suck that egg, Cool Hand Luke! People, we ain't asking for much, just don't wait until the 11th hour to ride this roller coaster or you just might find yourself on the wrong side of a Roman holiday. Also it's a one-way mirror and you don't know why you're being detained. But we do. Listen to find out! P.S. Don't drink the bathtub swill; you ain't got the cojones.

Episode 28: Jonesin' for your idiom fix? Have no fear! Friday is here. Our hosts with the most are joined by a star-studded cast: Michael Keaton, Bruce Campbell, The Wooden Nickel Boys, and more! Well maybe not more...but less. And when we work with less, we dress to impress. Don't know what we mean? Have a string bean. Stream of consciousness works for Bob Dylan, so, why not us?

Episode 27: Howdy-do, folks. Are you gung-ho to dive on in today? Well, you better be! The boys worked mighty hard to keep this one afloat. Is that a mixed metaphor? Probably and sorry. As promised, Albert and Ryan partake in a little Dingbat Cocktail exploration and the results are simply smashing...in that, the fellas get a bit smashed. However, nothing could really ever stop the idiom train from plowing through that wee town known as Inebriation, so onwards and upwards! Anyhow, find that play button on your least favorite listening device and give it a long, hard push. You'll be pleased as punch that you did.

Episode 26: See, bi-weekly episodes just like we promised. Thought we were lying, eh? Well, what's that say about you? Usually people who tend to expect lying are liars themselves. Same with shoplifters, catkickers, common thieves. But we don't hold grudges! Just don't let it ever, ever happen again. That being said, it's time to tie one on, take a snuff, and hop on the Dingbat Express to Soundtown in your earholes. We hope there's no volume-deer on the sound-track, or else we're all dead meat; the conductor is going through a divorce. Don't let us dissuade you though; we still insist you listen. Oh god, our manager is going to kill us.

Episode 25: After three years abroad, Ryan is finally back in Philadelphia and rarin' to begin Season 3 of Don't Be An Idiom. No more rushing and racing for the Idiom Boys! It's back to business with the researching and the history stuff and the segments and the songs. Albert has a run-in with local celebrity Donnie Avalon and learns a thing or two about tape-rope and carpet-moving; Ryan explores the alpha and omega of everyone's favorite/least-favorite book; and Albert blows smoke up the proverbial ass. Don't forget to stick around to hear a special word from today's Don't Be An Idiom sponsor!

Episode 24: This special New Years Eve broadcast, recorded live in Times Square from the stolen throne of Ryan Seacrest, can be listened to and enjoyed just as easily on the first day of the Chinese New Year, so, you know, you can throw your letters of complaint directly into the nearest trash hole. Whoa, whoa, apologies...comin' in hot. Too hot! It's time we pour oil on troubled waters and ease our way into this fresh decade like a newborn loon. Yes, only one thing can bring vitality and excitement back into our wintry grump slumps and that's a nice, long freak sesh with your favorite podcast hosts Albert, Ryan, Larry King, and Benny Frank. Drawing a blank on who the hell Benny Frank is? Well dive on in and take a swim through this wondrous sea of idioms to find out.

Episode 23: While the podcast world has been burning, the idiom boys have been fiddling...but all that changes today with the twenty-third installment of Don't Be An Idiom. In today's episode, Albert & Ryan settle scores and set the record straight as they lead listeners through the annals of ancient history on the backs of anthropomorphic antichrists. With malaprops aplenty, you'll learn just enough to curry favor with your Friday evening board game crew without becoming the know-it-all we so love to hate. So plug in them headphones, strap on your dancing taps, and get ready to push play on the episode that Gary Larson is calling "really inconvenient to my retirement".

Episode 22: Well, well, well. Look who it is. The boys are back in town! Ryan travels back across the pond to the United States of America to record a quick, little New Year's Eve episode...but, uh oh, it's no regular new year. Nope. It's the Year of the Pig, and the boys are rollin' into the new year full of swine and feelin' fine. That's right, we've got 6's and 7's! We've got wisps and Wild Turkey! We've got guest callers and pigpen crawlers! So, strap on them headphones and slop yourself back into the wild world of idioms and nincompoopery with Albert Deee and Ryan Peee.

Episode 21: After ten months of gathering rust and dust, Albert and Ryan return with the first episode of season two, and it's a doozy. That hot Spanish sun couldn't keep these two click beetles from clackin' into the podwaves—no siree. Not a hundred cervezas or a bottle of Anis del Mono or four-thousand nautical miles could stop these smart alecs from delving deep into the idiom void and emerging with a couple of origin stories that'll make you want to race to the first beat poetry lounge in sight and shed some crocodile tears for years and years. So, pop those headphones into your ear holes and reenter the universe that is...Don't Be An Idiom.

Episode 20: This is the one, people! Albert and Ryan pull out all the stops for the season finale of Don't Be An Idiom. Here you will find the return of the Hat of Doom, special guest callers, howling dogs, things coming full circle, Crennyisms, more raw eggs, and an idiom anthem to break your heart! So pull yourself out of the "dog days of summer" and take a listen to the finest "swan song" you're bound to hear on iTunes all year. And if you get a hankering for your favorite Don't Be An Idiom songs and skits, visit dontbeanidiom.bandcamp.com to hear the official Don't Be An Idiom Soundtrack. Until next time...

Episode 19: The boys spent seven hours writing a musical. So, deal with it! You think you can steal our thunder when we've got deadlines to meet? You're wrong! You've always been wrong! Nah, you're right. You've always been right. That's why we love you. So, buckle your meatballs and get ready for the Buckleboys Meatball Extravaganza 2017! We know nobody reads this shit, but we're the buckleboys!

Episode 18: Fresh off a trip to the great land of Japan, Albert and Ryan emerge from a fierce week of jetlag reinvigorated with idiom passion. We're not talkin' any old type of idiom passion either. This is the real stuff! "#1 Pure Boy" kind of stuff (and that's nothing to shake a stick at). So pour a glass of sake, turn up the heat, give your barking dogs a rest, and learn how to get in like Flynn on this week's episode of...Don't Be An Idiom.

Episode 17: In this week's special megasode, Albert and Ryan find themselves on the ultimate idiom-ship as they explore the history of four nautical idioms. So, batten down the lasagna hatches, 'cause there's an idiom tsunami heading our way! Yep, the seas are angry, and so are all the other letters. Lasargna (I'm not married to it).

Episode 16: Are you constantly thinking about the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe"? Is it responsible for your recent divorce and your staggering debt? Do you feel like you can't show up to the office in a timely fashion anymore because of a near crippling obsession with the band Rednex? Well, today's episode might fix your problems. Albert and Ryan have pre-recorded a special edition of Don't Be An Idiom dedicated to the antebellum south's favorite mystery man. It's The Cotton-Eyed Joe Megasode and the "boys who make the noise" are sounding the horn for America's handsomest heartbreaker!

Episode 15: Twas a thunderous and stormy eve, the night the boys came together for a battle of words and a long, dark peer into each other's living daylights. Only one person, however, was good enough to join the hands of these two young men to win the war together: the war against idiom ignorance! Naturally, that man was Good Will (you may have seen him selling your trash). Anyway, come away with the fellas who will have you dyin' to eat crow by the end of the day.