Dialogue On Divorce

With the Bipartisan Budget Act of 2015, lawmakers closed the loophole that allowed a worker to file for social security benefits and then suspend payments—while his or her partner collected the spousal benefit. How might these changes impact your social security benefits? How can you maximize the amount you receive from the government? And how are social security benefits calculated in the first place? Gayle Lob is the President and CEO of Lob Planning Group. With 29 years of experience in financial planning, investment management and insurance, she is adept at helping people manage life transitions and plan for financial security and independence. Gayle is also an authority in the realm of social security benefits, and she has shared her expertise on CNBC, CNN and Fox 5 New York. Today, Gayle joins Katherine to explain the new rules around social security that came with the passage of the Bipartisan Budget Act, specifically focusing on the elimination of the file-and-suspend strategy. She offers insight in

Divorce is a difficult emotional journey, regardless of the circumstances. But in most cases, the divorcing partners are in very different places along that journey. The person leaning out has likely been thinking about ending the marriage for a long time, while the other is a bit of a ‘deer in headlights’ and needs time to catch up emotionally. What role can a divorce coach play in helping the couple navigate this common disconnect? Shireen Meistrich is the President of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, and she has served on the leadership team of the Collaborative Divorce Association of New Jersey since 2007. Shireen has spent the last ten years working as a collaborative divorce coach, helping families increase communication and decrease conflict through the alternative dispute-resolution process. She is skilled in managing the emotional hurdles that present as obstacles toward an effective resolution. Today, Shireen sits down with Katherine to share her ‘train station’ analogy, e

The vast majority of divorcing couples who choose litigation do so due to the misconception that the courts will protect them. The fact is, 97% of divorce cases in New York settle before they go to trial, and the judge is in no position to protect the 3% that do. The Honorable Sondra Miller spent 21 years in the court system, and she contends that divorcing couples are much better served by alternative dispute resolution processes such as mediation and collaborative divorce. Judge Miller received her law degree from Harvard University in 1953. She was a Westchester County Family Court Judge for three years before her election to the New York Supreme Court in 1986. Judge Miller was appointed by Governor Mario Cuomo as a Justice for the Appellate Division in 1990 and commissioned by Chief Justice Judith Kaye to conduct hearings on the state of matrimonial law in New York in 2006. The resulting Miller Commission report prompted the passage of no-fault divorce the state. Today, Judge Miller joins Katherine t

‘[The conflict] was so contentious on a regular basis, there was no room for the children—and that’s the danger.’ The sad truth is that divorcing parents embroiled in conflict are often so wrapped up in their own pain that they fail to protect their children. This was true for Janet, an adult child of divorce who continues to feel the impact of the tension, hostility and destruction that marked the end of her parents’ relationship. Today, Janet sits down with Katherine to share her difficult experience as a child of divorce. She describes the shame she felt around the ‘failure’ of her family and the impact of her parents’ lack of control on Janet and her siblings. She relates the all-consuming pain she experienced during her parents’ divorce, the lifelong consequences of destructive behavior felt by children of divorce, and how the process informs her conduct now that she is a wife and mother herself. Listen in for Janet’s insight on maintaining and articulating respect for your ex-spouse and creating an e

Divorce can bring out sides of ourselves we didn’t know were there. Depression is common, as is rage. And many divorcing couples are surprised by these feelings of extreme anger or sadness and isolation. The question becomes, how do you process these emotions and deal with them in a healthy way? Elana Katz is a psychotherapist and collaborative divorce professional based in Manhattan. She also serves as senior faculty at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, where she teaches advanced family therapy and directs the Family and Divorce Mediation Program. Elana presents nationally and internationally on family therapy, mediation and collaborative divorce, and she has been quoted by the New York Times, the Associated Press and NPR. Today, Elana joins Katherine to explain how the experience of divorce can serve as a triggering event for depression. She walks us through attachment theory, describing how we process separation as a danger cue. Elana also addresses the other common post-divorce emotion, rage. She s

In 1990, Minneapolis divorce attorney Stu Webb was burned out and ready to call it a day. He had been practicing family law for 26 years, and he was done with the adversarial nature of litigation. Stu had a plan to quit his law practice, but he decided to quit ‘outrageously’ and try something completely different—working WITH the other lawyer toward a settlement for the divorcing couple. The concept worked, and Stu became the founding father of collaborative divorce. Stu began to share information with small groups of like-minded lawyers across the country and built a community of professionals dedicated to out-of-court settlements through organizations like the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. Today, collaborative law is helping families transition with dignity in 23 countries around the world. Stu retired in 2012, after 48 years of law practice. His legacy includes the co-authorship of The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs and Happier K

We’re taught that forgiveness is good for us, that it’s what good people do. But if you’ve experienced betrayal or hurt and the responsible party demonstrates little remorse, forgiveness may seem impossible. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring would argue that acceptance is a viable alternative to forgiveness, allowing you to stop obsessing over the injury, get healthy and heal. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring is a board certified clinical psychologist and renowned expert in the realm of trust, intimacy and forgiveness. She has been in private practice for 40-plus years, earning the Connecticut Psychological Association’s Award for Distinguished Contribution to the Practice of Psychology and the Connecticut Marriage and Family Therapy’s Award for Distinguished Service to Families. Dr. Spring often serves as a guest expert in the national media, appearing in The New York Times, Huffington Post, Good Morning America and NPR, among others. She is also the award-winning author of After the Affair, How Can I Forgive You? and Life

You may have guessed that the tone of the mediation process is very different from that of litigation, but you may or may not realize that a couple can makes use of more than one process choice during the course of a divorce. Barbara and her ex-husband, Alan, used a mediator to design a parenting plan, and the process was both cost-effective and peaceful. But when it came time to deal with the unraveling of their financial lives, the tone shifted. Barbara had left her job in social work 13 years prior to stay home and care for their children, one of whom suffered from a life-threatening disease before his passing at the age of seven. Alan worked long and hard to cultivate a successful career on Wall Street. As a result, Alan deferred to Barbara on much of the decision-making around parenting, while he took responsibility for the management of their finances. Their views of each other’s contribution to the economic partnership were very different, and the division of their assets became a point of contentio

Parents are often wary of the role of a child specialist in the divorce process. They don’t want to put their children in a difficult position, and the divorcing couple may be under the mistaken impression that the child specialist is there to do a forensic evaluation and make custody recommendations. Rather, it is the job of a child specialist to empower the children in the collaborative process, giving voice to their needs and concerns. Dr. Lauren Behrman is a clinical psychologist, child specialist, mediator, collaborative divorce professional and parent coordinator. She has offices in White Plains, Katonah and Midtown Manhattan, where she provides divorce services that include parent coordination, co-parent counseling, neutral child specialist and divorce coach in the collaborative setting. Working in private practice since 1985, Lauren has considerable professional experience in treating children and families of divorce. She is committed to helping families facing challenges and transitions in life and

Though the details are different, most couples argue about the same old issues: Money. Sex. Household responsibilities. But the true root of the problem stems from the feelings of hurt that inspire a defensive reaction and perpetuate a destructive cycle of conflict. So, how do you stop the fight? Is there a better way to respond to hurt that will allow you and your partner to engage in solving the problem together? Michelle Brody is a clinical psychologist and couples coach who specializes in resolving relational conflict. With 20-plus years in the practice, Michelle is dedicated to helping couples unlock their destructive cycles and implement a more productive communication style. She is also the author of Stop the Fight: How to Break Free From the 12 Most Common Arguments and Build a Relationship That Lasts. Today, Michelle joins Katherine to share some of the most common arguments between couples discussed in her book, Stop the Fight. She explains the elemental social threats that ignite our fight-or-fl

Divorce often means being thrust into a series of financial decisions that you may or may not feel prepared to make. And if divorce has brought you sudden wealth, financial professionals are likely crawling out of the woodwork to offer their services. How do you choose the right advisor for you? What resources are available to help you learn the basics of investing? What are some of the common challenges people face in your position? Carole Epstein has been a licensed financial advisor with Morgan Stanley since July 2007. She began her career as a programmer and cut her teeth in investing during the ten years she ran a pension plan for the staff at her Apple store. Carole’s life experience raising a family and running a business make her uniquely qualified to understand her client’s needs and design a financial plan with their complete financial wellbeing in mind. Today, Carole joins Katherine to explain her values-based process for crafting a financial plan, from prioritizing needs and wants to evaluating

According to the Economic Policy Institute, nearly half of families in the US have no retirement savings at all, and the failure to set money aside for the future ranks as the number one financial regret among Americans. So what if you are counting on receiving spousal benefits through social security, but your marriage ends in divorce? Can you still collect the spousal share? How long should you wait to claim to get the maximum return? Is your ex-spouse involved in the process? Gayle Lob is the President and CEO of Lob Planning Group, a securities and advisory services firm based in Purchase, New York. Gayle has been helping people manage life transitions since 1987, giving clients the tools they need to plan for financial security and independence. Gayle is an expert in the rules of social security and integrating those benefits into a complete retirement picture, and she has appeared on CNBC, CNN and Fox 5 New York. Today, Gayle sits down with Katherine to sift through the complex rules of social securit

Parents just don’t understand. But neither do adult children! If you have concerns about keeping an aging parent safe, you may be tempted to take over and start making the decisions for them. But Barbara Newman-Mannix argues that there are ways to compromise on common sense solutions that afford your parents their autonomy AND ensure their well-being. Barbara is the founder of A Dignified Life, a company that helps individuals and families develop care plans for elders and family members with special needs. They assess safety, cultural influences and family dynamics to address individual needs and connect families with the necessary social service professionals, attorneys and benefits specialists. Barbara’s interest in the field stems from her experience navigating the health care, insurance, legal and financial challenges she faced when her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She established A Dignified Life to fill that gap in the market and help adult children better manage their parents’ lives wi

Process choice can be tricky. Most of us would like to avoid the courtroom if at all possible, but how do mediation and collaboration work? How do you determine which divorce model is right for your circumstances? And when is it appropriate to choose litigation? Melissa Goodstein has extensive experience in both mediation and the collaborative divorce process. She has been practicing mediation since 1993, and she received her training in the collaborative model in 2003. Her practice is located in Katonah, New York. Melissa serves on the New York State Council of Divorce Mediation, the Greater New York Council of Family and Divorce, the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals as well as the International Association of Collaborative Professionals. Today, Melissa joins Katherine to discuss the roles comfort and willingness play in determining which process choice is the right fit. She walks us through the mediation process, explaining the confidential nature of this method and the necessity for

In a contentious divorce where the couple disagrees on issues of custody and visitation, the attorney for the child is responsible for representing the will of their child-client. How does this lawyer go about determining the child’s position? What resources do they have? And what advice do they have for divorcing parents who are moving toward litigation? Dawn Cardi is a partner at Cardi & Edgar, a boutique law firm that focuses on matrimonial and family law, criminal defense and civil litigation. With 30-plus years of experience, Dawn has a strong background in helping people resolve family matters as well as handling criminal cases. She was recently named Director of the Women’s Bar Association of New York, and she serves on the Matrimonial Law Committee of the Association of the Bar of the City of New York. Dawn is regularly invited to lecture on topics related to trial advocacy, criminal and matrimonial law. Today, Dawn joins Katherine to share how she got started representing children in custody dispu

Though you may not like your ex all that much, your pet doesn’t harbor the same resentment. Yet our companion animals often get caught in the middle and end up being used as bargaining chips in a divorce settlement that doesn’t serve the people or the pets involved. Rather than taking the fight to court, where pets are viewed as property, mediation serves as a more appropriate alternative—an alternative that allows both parties to be a part of a solution-oriented discussion around conflicts over animals. Debra Vey Voda-Hamilton is a conflict coach, mediator and principal attorney with Hamilton Law & Mediation, a firm that uses alternative dispute resolution to foster peaceful solutions in conflicts over animals. A pioneer in the field, Debra speaks widely on the top of how mediation techniques can help people address conflicts without litigation, and she has been featured in Forbes, the Wall Street Journal, and US News and World Report, among many other. She is also the author of Nipped in the Bud, Not in th

Money is so much more than a way to pay the bills. It’s how we judge ourselves and others. It represents power and control. For a divorcing couple, uncertainty around finances and a sense of mistrust complicate the process. Enter the financial neutral, a professional who serves to uncover the economic reality of a given situation and establish trust, thereby changing the tenor of the conversation in a conflict-resolution proceeding. Steve Kaplan is a CPA/ABV based in White Plains who practices largely in the area of dispute resolution, providing valuation, financial analysis, and settlement support services. Steve is trained in Collaborative Divorce Practice and Collaborative Civil Practice as well as mediation. He also serves as an executive board member for the Hudson Valley Collaborative Divorce and Dispute Resolution Association. Today, Steve sits down with Katherine to explain his role as a CPA in the divorce setting. He discusses how financial neutrals navigate mistrust between parties, make difficult

How do you know when you’re ready to start dating again? If you’re recently separated or divorced, you may be questioning whether or not it’s the right time to try to meet someone new. And even if you are emotionally prepared to start dating, you may have questions about how the scene has changed since the last time you were single and how exactly to navigate the brave new world of online dating… Laurie Davis is the Founder and CEO of eFlirt, a custom service that teaches singles how to use the written word to improve their chances of finding love online. Characterized as a ‘think tank for your heart,’ eFlirt has served thousands of clients and boasts 50 marriages and engagements to date. Laurie has been nominated for the title of Best Dating Coach by the iDate Awards two years running, and her advice has been featured in 500-plus media outlets including The New York Times, Good Morning America and Forbes. She is also the author of Love at First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating. Today, Laurie join

“The magic, for me, about Collaborative [Divorce] and the reason why I’ve seen it work is because in the process itself, that idea of being heard and understood about what matters to you—what do you want—is front and center.” Abby Rosmarin is a member of the Mediation and Arbitration Practice Group with the firm McCarthy Fingar and a coach in the collaborative divorce process, drawing on her experience as both an attorney and a therapist to mediate a wide range of family disputes. Abby also serves as the Executive Director of the NYACP, a group of collaborative professionals committed to helping couples in New York reduce conflict and reach a divorce agreement that meets the needs of the entire family. In addition, she recently joined Jeffrey Steiger in the launch of Pivotal Moments, a breakthrough group experience that supports people in navigating life transitions. Today, Abby sits down with Katherine to explain the fundamentals of collaborative divorce, offering her take on the magic of being heard at th

Divorce is not just a legal process. It also involves an emotional detangling as well as a financial restructuring. Money can be a particularly stressful part of the process, especially as couples begin to consider whether they will be able to maintain the same standard of living now that they’re apart. If you have questions around cashflow, tax ramifications, assets or liability—a divorce financial planner is a good place to start. Andy Samalin is a financial professional with 24-plus years of experience who has focused his practice on divorce financial planning through Samalin Investment Counsel and Samalin Divorce Finance. A graduate of New York University with a master’s in real estate finance, Andy is a Certified Financial Planner, an Enrolled Agent, and a federally licensed tax practitioner with the IRS. He is President of the Association of Divorce Financial Planners and the Founder and Chapter Leader of Second Saturday Westchester, a nonprofit that educates attendees about divorce. Today, Andy joi