Dialogue On Divorce

Reacting with aggression feels good in the moment, powerful even. Perhaps you believe that taking the high road in the divorce process puts you at a disadvantage, making you look weak—as if you’re letting the other person off the hook for their behavior. But Monique Honaman argues that the next best decision is not the one born from anger. In fact, the smart choices that work for your family long-term require the presence of mind to take emotion out of the equation. Monique had no aspirations to write a book. But as she navigated her own divorce, Monique received phone call after phone call from women with questions about the process. After a conversation around collaborative divorce at an unrelated business conference, someone suggested that Monique write a book. That night in her hotel room, she sat down with her laptop and outlined the chapters that would become The High Road Has Less Traffic. Since then, Monique has written a follow-up, The High Road Has Less Traffic and a Better View. Today, she joins

Let’s face it: The legal process is intimidating. Separation agreements are difficult to decipher without the help of a professional, and the process often disregards the complexity of what people are going through. Beyond the legal piece, there are emotional, financial, even spiritual implications around ending a marriage. Integrative law seeks to recognize that complexity and design conscious contracts that people can understand and use to resolve conflict. Kim Wright is a leader in the field of integrative law. Named one of the first Legal Rebels by the American Bar Association (ABA), Kim has been lauded for ‘finding new ways to practice law, represent clients, adjudicate cases and train the next generation of lawyers.’ She leads Continuing Legal Education programs and offers coaching and consulting for lawyers, courts, law firms, legal organizations, law schools as well as the media. Kim is also the author of the ABA best-sellers Lawyers as Peacemakers and Lawyers and Changemakers. Today, Kim joins Kath

If you’re going through a contentious divorce, hurt and anger are par for the course. You may even believe that holding onto your rage is a show of strength. But the truth is, blame renders you powerless to your own emotions. What if I told you that true power—and the ability to heal—lies in your ability to choose compassion? Dr. Steven Stosny is the creator of Compassion Power, an organization founded on the belief that people are, indeed, more powerful when they are compassionate. Dr. Stosny is also a renowned author and media consultant who has appeared on Oprah, CBS Sunday Morning, and CNN’s Talkback Live, among others. A leading expert in relationships, anger and abuse, Dr. Stosny has treated 6,000-plus clients and presented at professional conferences all over the world. Today, Dr. Stosny joins Katherine to share his insight around the power of compassion, explaining how anger narrows your focus and limits your intellectual abilities. He discusses the concepts of compassionate assertiveness and emotio

Most people think of mediation as compromise, but Gary Friedman sees it differently. In his view, the process is a negotiation. Rather than competing over assets, the divorcing partners identify what they need to move forward and then find the best way to divide or allocate resources accordingly. Yes, there will be disagreements, but if you can turn around your impulse to see each other as enemies, there are ways of cooperating that produce results that are better for both parties. Gary has been teaching mediation since the 1980’s, training lawyers, law professors, judges and psychotherapists in the mediative approach to collaborative practice in the US, Europe and Israel. He is the co-founder of the Center for Mediation in Law, and he has taught courses in negotiation and mediation at prestigious institutions such as Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and the World Intellectual Property Organization in Geneva. Gary is the author of several seminal works in the field of conflict resolution, including A

The 14th Dalai Lama wisely said, ‘Peace is not simply the absence of war. It is not a passive state of being. We must wage peace, as vigilantly as we wage war.’ Our cultural bias suggests that peacemaking is somehow weak or submissive, when in fact, it takes a great deal more strength and confidence to listen and consider a point of view different from our own—especially in the legal profession. David Hoffman is the founder of Boston Law Collaborative where he serves as a mediator, arbitrator, and collaborative divorce attorney. David teaches several courses on dispute resolution at Harvard Law School, and he was named Boston’s 2016 Lawyer of the Year by Best Lawyers in America as well as US News & World Report. His practice is focused on resolving conflict in business, family, and employment suits, and David has served as mediator in more than two thousand cases. He is also the author of several books on conflict resolution, including Mediation: A Practical Guide for Mediators, Lawyers, and Other Profession

If you left the more complex issues of financial planning to your spouse during the marriage, navigating the numbers during the divorce settlement process can be incredibly intimidating. You may need considerable time to process any financial proposal brought to the table, and you would benefit from professional support in understanding what the numbers mean—and whether or not you’re going to be okay when it comes to money in the aftermath of the divorce. Michelle Smith is the CEO of Smith Financial Strategies Group, the divorce financial team that other professionals turn to. One of the leading Certified Divorce Financial Analysts in the industry, Michelle has spent 25 years providing guidance and expertise in the realm of personal finance. She is a member of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts, a Divorce Mediator, and the co-author of Divorce and Your Finances. Today, Michelle joins Katherine to explain how and why she carved out a niche as a personal finance expert in the divorce space. She shar

When Wendy Paris announced her trial separation to her liberal friends in New York City, she was surprised by the incredibly negative feedback she received. But when she unpacked their predictions of doom and gloom, Wendy realized that their fears around divorce derived from the facts of an earlier era, before no fault filing was an option. Wendy and her ex-husband moved slowly, leveraging alternative dispute resolution to collaborate on a settlement that set them both up for success. Wendy has worked as a journalist and editor for 20-plus years, contributing content to media outlets including The New York Times, Quartz, The Guardian, Washington Post and Marketplace Radio, among many others. She currently blogs for Psychology Today, Huffington Post and Splitopia, the divorce wellness platform she founded in conjunction with her book, Splitopia: Dispatches from Today’s Good Divorce and How to Part Well. Wendy lives in Santa Monica, California, with her son—just a few blocks up the beach from her ex-husband.

No matter the circumstances, divorce is intensely emotional, and we tend to focus on the internal journey of people navigating the process. But what about the externals? The space where we live and the objects we surround ourselves with have a significant impact on the way we feel—and designing a new space or reclaiming an old one can go a long way to helping people move on with their lives post-divorce. Jodi Topitz is the founder of we2me, a unique interior design firm for divorcing couples and families in transition. Jodi supports clients in reclaiming their current home or moving to a new space, creating an uplifting environment and restoring a sense of permanency in their lives. Jodi discovered the healing impact of color and design in the aftermath of her own divorce, and she is passionate about connecting people to their space in a way that helps them achieve serenity and move forward. Today, Jodi sits down with Katherine to talk about the value of creating a comforting environment, especially in the

Parents worry about the long-term impact divorce will have on their children. The good news is that two-thirds of the children of divorce are just fine. The bad news is that one-third are, indeed, disadvantaged by long-term problems. What can parents do to ensure that their children fall in to the resilient category—and go on to thrive in the aftermath of divorce? Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll is recognized internationally as an authority in the field of children and divorce, speaking regularly at conferences all over the world and consulting with universities, schools, courts and health agencies on matters relating to child mental health and parenting. Additionally, she continues to work with children and families in private practice and serves as a child specialist in the collaborative divorce process. Dr. Pedro-Carroll held faculty positions in psychology and psychiatry at the University of Rochester from 1984 to 2008 and was a Senior Researcher at the Children’s Institute in Rochester, New York. She serves a

By 2001, Suzanne Brunsting had been practicing as a matrimonial litigator for 20 years. The more experienced she got, the more difficult and contentious the cases referred to her. Day in, day out, she was witness to the damage endured by families embroiled in the process, especially the children at the center of custody battles. There had to be a better way. And that spring, a colleague introduced Sue to the collaborative model. Now Sue is a collaborative lawyer and settlement advocate who helps divorcing clients reach agreements without resorting to the courts.  Sue has 30-plus years of experience in the field of family law, and since 2004, she has limited her practice to collaborative law and settlement advocacy. She was the first president of the Collaborative Law Association of the Rochester Area, and she has been an active member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals since 2001. In addition, Sue teaches beginning collaborative law and advanced skills courses. Today, Sue sits down

Traditionally, alternative dispute resolution methods like mediation and collaborative divorce are seen as a good fit for couples who are civil to each other and simply need a professional to support them in the legal aspects of the process. But Bill Eddy argues that the non-adversarial processes are crucial for high-conflict people navigating divorce. Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the co-founder and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute. He has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities and personality disorders, and he provides training on the subject to professionals all over the world. Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in Sand Diego. He is the author of several books, including High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and BIFF: Quick Responses

Whether a conflict involves international powers, corporate leadership, or a husband and wife, a violation of dignity is always the underlying cause. No matter the situation, we are all looking to be treated as if we have worth and value, and it is this fundamental desire for dignity that makes us human. How can a better understanding of the principles of dignity help us improve our relationships and address conflicts in a way that doesn’t perpetuate a destructive dynamic? Donna Hicks has 20-plus years of experience as a facilitator in international conflicts in the Middle East, Sri Lanka, Colombia, Cuba, Northern Ireland and the US. Her understanding of dignity and the role it plays in resolving conflict has transformed work environments for prominent companies, nonprofits and government agencies, and Donna’s impressive client roster includes the World Bank, the United Nations, the US Navy and the Senate of Colombia. She was a featured speaker at TEDx Stormont in 2013 and co-host of Facing the Truth for the

Substance abuse often plays a role in the divorce process, either as the catalyst for or the result of conflict in a relationship. How do you go about having your former partner evaluated to ensure their health and safety—and that of your children? Dr. Raymond Griffin has worked in the field of addiction and counseling for 37-plus years. He served as the president of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence as well as founder and director of the Greenwich Center. Dr. Griffin has taken part in many collaborative divorce and mediation processes and performed a number of forensic evaluations for federal and state courts. He is also a frequent Continuing Legal Education lecturer and host of the radio show Changing Your Life. Today, Dr. Griffin joins Katherine to explain his role in determining the extent of substance abuse issues during the divorce process. He shares his take on the degrading nature of litigation and his preference for collaborative divorce. Dr. Griffin describes the evaluation pr

The parties in a litigated divorce spend years—and tens-of-thousands of dollars—preparing for a trial that is extremely unlikely to happen. This disconnect led to the development of mediation as an option, allowing divorcing couples to work toward settlement without spending unnecessary time and money in preparation for a trial that will never come to fruition. Are there other myths and misconceptions about the conventional litigation model? What are the benefits of mediation? Sam Margulies is one of the most experienced mediators in the country, having facilitated settlements in hundreds of civil disputes and approximately four thousand divorces since 1980. Sam also has 35 years of experience training divorce mediators and conducting civil mediation training programs. He has served as Director of the Institute for Dispute Resolution of the Seton Hall Law School and taught graduate courses in mediation at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Sam is also the author of three books on divorce and med

‘How you go through this forest determines, to great extent, who you are when you come out of it.’ Getting divorced can feel a lot like being lost in the woods. And no matter how much information you have gathered from the experts, you probably still feel very much alone. What if there was a community of women making their way through that same forest that you could go to for support and guidance? Elise Pettus is the founder and Editorial Director of UNtied, an online and real-life community for women navigating separation and divorce. UNtied is a membership organization based in Brooklyn that hosts panels and workshops on a variety of topics, from hiring a lawyer to co-parenting to blending families. A graduate of Columbia Journalism School, Elise wrote on marriage, health and family for New York Magazine, Healthy Living, and the Huffington Post, among many others, before shifting her focus to UNtied full-time. UNtied currently boasts more than 1500 subscribers, and the organization prides itself on connec

Alexis Neely was going through an adversarial divorce settlement process. One evening in a hotel room, the weight of the conflict landed on her, and she prayed that a higher power would show her the way to resolution. In that moment, a very clear voice inside said, “Ask him what he needs to be safe, and give it to him.” Initially, Alexis resisted. Would her ex-husband take advantage of her generosity? What if he asked for more than she had to give? Eventually, though, Alexis found the courage and posed the question… Today, Alexis is an estate and business planning attorney, a serial entrepreneur, and a single mom. After divorcing her husband in 2005, she went on to build a million-dollar law practice based on a new pricing model inspired in part by her experience with the settlement process. Alexis teaches her New Law Business Model to lawyers worldwide and supports entrepreneurs and small business owners in making legal, insurance, financial and tax decisions with their ‘eyes wide open.’ She and her ex-husb

Parental alienation is a high-stakes game with serious, long-term consequences for the children involved. When a child is manipulated into showing unwarranted fear or hostility toward the targeted parent and used as a pawn in one parent’s agenda against the other, it alters their sense of reality and normalizes deceit in the context of relationships. What causes a parent to put their child in this position? Board Certified Marital and Family Law attorney Charles Jamieson has been protecting parental and family rights for the past 37 years. As lead legal consultant to individuals with divorce issues in more than 20 states, Mr. Jamieson has developed a wealth of experience in the field of family law services and collaborative family law, and he is respected among child support lawyers, domestic violence attorneys, and divorce attorneys alike in his home state of Florida. Today, Charlie sits down with Katherine to discuss the spectrum of parental alienation, explaining why cases of extreme alienation are diff

‘We are emotionally wired to avoid conflict. People sometimes have to be forced to—or have to be encouraged or coached to—and the prenup provides that opportunity because you really do have to sit down, roll up your sleeves, and start talking about what’s important to you.’ Mindy Utay is a psychotherapist in practice on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Her background in the law, social work, and psychoanalysis allows Mindy to support couples and families in identifying and resolving conflicts with courage and optimism. She is a coveted relationship expert and speaker on the topics of relationship conflicts, marriage, and parenting, and Mindy is a regular columnist for the Huffington Post. Today, Mindy sits down with Katherine to offer insight around the contradiction of prenuptial agreements, explaining why it’s so challenging to consider the end of a relationship at the very beginning. She discusses the problems associated with the ‘moneyed spouse’ approaching a lawyer alone and shares her alternative approa

When emotions are running high in the divorce process, it is not uncommon for people to amplify their concerns over an ex-spouse’s ability to parent. In some cases, those concerns might lead to allegations of child abuse and neglect. What is the right course of action when you suspect an ex-spouse of substance abuse or mental health issues? What can you do to ensure the health and safety of your children without overreacting? What happens once Child Protective Services gets involved? Allison Williams is the founder and owner of Williams Law Group, a practice focused exclusively on matrimonial and family law with an emphasis on complex child welfare matters. An established leader in the field of child welfare law, Allison has appeared on several media outlets including Katie, News 12 New Jersey and Chasing News, and she lectures regularly for professional organizations like the Institute for Continuing Legal Education. In 2017, she was recognized as a New Jersey Super Lawyer for the fourth consecutive year.

In working with divorcing clients, family lawyers develop both legal and financial strategy. But there is a third element to the ‘triad of divorce’—the family. How can we support lawyers in gathering the information they need in the area of child custody? How can we make divorce child-centric and support families in making a fluid transition? How can we put the ‘family’ back in family law? Dr. Eric Frazer is the co-founder of Child Custody Analytics, an online platform designed to provide family lawyers with expert information and solutions around child custody. A forensic psychologist in private practice since 2002, Dr. Frazer specializes in Psychological Assessment, and he is well-versed in the contributions psychology brings to family law practices. Dr. Frazer earned his PhD from the Yale University School of Medicine. Today, Dr. Frazer joins Katherine to discuss the evolution of family law, specifically the current ‘best interest of the child’ standard. He explains the aim of his company, Child Custod