Connectfulness practice

For this final episode of the season, I talk to Julie Lythcott-Haims, who is asking the question “what does it mean to grow up?” For her, it’s about lovingly letting go of your past burdens so that you can be true to yourself – while not trampling on anybody else. Our conversation flows naturally from topic to topic as we learn about how learning mindfulness took her from being a lawyer and dean of a university to becoming a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and activist focused on helping humans find their true north. Later, we bring these themes into a discussion of inclusion, identity, and intergenerational healing. Julie shares about growing up as a Black and biracial person with a white mother, healing her past to be the parent she wants to be, and widening her scope to community engagement after isolation during COVID 19. --- Julie Lythcott-Haims believes in humans and is deeply interested in what gets in our way. Her work encompasses writing, speaking, teaching, mentoring, and activism. She

I'm excited to share this podcast conversation with one of my dearest friends Akilah Riley-Richardson. Akilah has been in clinical practice for 16 years, is based in Trinidad and Tobago, and specializes in work with sexual and racial minorities. In this conversation, Akilah and I talk about relational privilege and the impact historical and race based trauma has on relationships. Akilah teaches to pivot, rumble and imagine to help gain a sense of where the hurt is, what the body needs, and how these needs connect back to the behaviors expressed is relationship…and what is needed now. And we rumble with the politics of interest, the impact of feeling that your experiences in the world matter (or don’t) within intimate relational spaces. RESOURCES:  Find Akilah online at https://akilahrileyrichardson.com (akilahrileyrichardson.com), and dive in even deeper to learn more with Akilah in her Academy of Therapy Wisdom course https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma (Relational Privil

Moraya Seeger DeGeare is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, consultant, writer, activist, and mom. We recorded this conversation in-person, meandering in our discussion around moving within a world that tries to adhere to dominant culture all the time. Here’s what we hope you get out of this conversation: if you are someone who’s not walking around in a dominant culture body, we hope you can simply listen and not have to do extra work to find resonance. And if you are someone that's walking around in a dominant culture body (white, cis, heterosexual, able-bodied, neurotypical, etc), we hope we’ve opened some awareness that not everyone experiences the world the way you do. Check in on the people around you. Moraya is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, consultant, writer, activist, and mom. She is the co-owner of BFF Therapy in Beacon, NY and has a monthly sex and relationship column, Can We Talk? with Refinery 29. The connecting line through all of her passions from research analyst to being ac

Dr. Han Ren (she/they) is deeply rooted in Liberation-oriented, anti-oppressive, culturally informed therapy. In this time of global upheaval and collective trauma many people have experienced increasing amounts of isolation. Social media is one of the places people turn when they feel alone. Han's widely viewed content on social media centers on liberating the idea that healing has to look a certain way, especially for often historically overlooked people and communities. Normalization goes a long way in undoing our collective experience of aloneness. In this gentle yet confronting conversation, Han guides us towards 3 moment to moment healing practices, accessible to us all: check in with your body, say what you mean/mean what you say, and repair. RESOURCES:  Find Dr. Han Ren online at http://www.drhanren.com/ (drhanren.com )and on all the social channels, tiktok, twitter, and facebook @drhanren, and on IG @dr.han.ren https://connectfulness.com/ (connectfulness.com) If you enjoyed this episode and wa

Patriarchy, supremacy, and toxic individualism are cultural values that really are at the root of so many social and political problems we face today.  Systemic change can seem overwhelming, if not nearly impossible.  But changing the power structure within our most intimate relationships?  That’s something we can definitely do–starting today.  How?  By shifting from Me vs. You consciousness to Us consciousness and learning to act from our wise adult rather than our adaptive child as we work through hard things with our partners. When we do this, we spark a cultural butterfly effect that ripples outward into the world.  As this episode’s guest, Terry Real, says, “We may not be able to bring peace to Ukraine for example, but we can bring peace to our living rooms and our bedrooms. And why don't we start with where we live?” Terry Real is the creator of Relational Life Therapy and author of the forthcoming book, Us.  Tune in as Terry shares his insight on speaking to your imma

What our culture teaches us about sex isn’t very useful. Many of us have absorbed the message that sex is a means to some kind of end–orgasm, connection, a baby.  We’ve learned that there’s a right and a wrong way to do it.  We’ve even learned that sex is natural.  It’s no wonder then that when our libido doesn’t match our partner’s or our desires don’t match our politics, we assume there must be something wrong with us.  Here’s the real truth:  There is nothing wrong with you.  Or your partner.  So many of us have just been trying to conform to someone else’s narrow version of sexuality (often without even realizing it).  If we slow down and take the time, we can instead get to know the sexuality that is uniquely ours and the fulfillment we all deserve. This week’s guest, Cyndi Darnell, says in her forthcoming book,  "The body has always belonged to either God or science. There has never been a time in Western history that the body truly belonged to the person who

In Lissa Rankin’s book, Sacred Medicine, she writes,  "We live in a disembodied culture because trauma causes us to leave our bodies. It is a defense mechanism and in extreme cases, a survival skill that can save you. Yet you can't heal the body without being in it."  Our culture encourages dissociation:  Buy this product to feel better, drink this to escape, distract yourself with social media.  Numb out, stay busy, look outside yourself.  And yet, science has enough data to say with certainty that trauma causes pain and illness in the body.  This is no longer a woo-woo idea.  Sometimes, dissociation absolutely saves us. Other times, it keeps us in patterns that no longer serve to the point of making us sick.   In this rich conversation, Lissa and Rebecca discuss the paradoxes in healing trauma:  trauma is treatable but you have to be in the body to heal it. They discuss the necessary skills in drawing on all of your intelligences—your intellectual intelligen

Dear listeners, for this month’s episode, we decided to do something a little different.  Instead of interviewing a special guest, we’ve turned the tables and your host has become the guest!  Out of curiosity and a sense of play (two things we adore here at Connectfulness), Rebecca agreed to be interviewed by our podcast editor, https://alhoberman.com/ (Al Hoberman), who is also a fabulous music therapist.  Together, they let the conversation meander where it will, delving into topics like why we can never be “healed and ready” for a relationship before entering into it, the importance of knowing oneself (and why it feels so scary at first), implicit and conscious memories, the burden of generational survival mechanisms and why they should be celebrated and released, and the power that lies in letting things get awkward. This episode was really fun to record.  We hope it’s equally fun for you to listen in.  Should we do more of these?  Do you have questions you’d like us to unpac

“I can’t adult today” makes for great social media fodder. But as with all humor, there’s a nugget of truth in there.  How many models do we have for adulting that is healthy, balanced, secure and relational? Our culture has sold us quite a bill of goods: Independence and “rugged individualism” as an indication that we’ve become successful adults. Perfection or mastery as the ultimate goal.  Self-care has become “treat yourself”.  The pop psychology idea that having boundaries means you get to tell someone else what they can and can’t do.  Even the idea that objective reality not only exists but should rule over all else.  The truth is, none of these concepts are serving us very well because there is a whole lot of nuance and self-attunement missing. Terri Delaney is here to debunk all of these ideas.  Disrupting our old programming won’t necessarily make life easier, but it does offer each of us more grace, a chance to heal, and the power to get out of our own way.  This

So often, many of us are still just waiting on our parents to show up for us in the way we needed them to when we were little.  Sometimes we’re consciously aware of this, oftentimes we’re not.  And it can continue long after our parents have passed, if we haven’t made the unconscious conscious and learned to reparent ourselves.  Otherwise, we often unintentionally seek this fulfillment from our most intimate relationships.  In this episode, I chat with fellow Certified Relational Life Therapist, Shane Birkel, who is able to take these big concepts and ground them in very clear language and context.   If you’re new or feeling resistance to the idea of Relational Life Therapy, this episode is a great point of entry. Tune in as Shane and I discuss families of origin, healthy versus toxic shame, the importance of compassion and grief work during conflict, and what healthy relationships actually look like. RESOURCES: For great little relational videos, find Shane Birkel on https://www

Life gets bumpy at times.  We as humans make mistakes, we cause harm, things can get awkward or uncomfortable.  This doesn’t change when you learn new relational skills.  We never stop having those moments in our intimate relationships.  We just get better at sitting with the awkward and imperfect.   In this episode, I chat with Gina Senarighi about what happens when we bring the observational self onboard and practice being in the awkward with our partners.  We discuss perfectionism, creativity, pleasure and play, shifting from judgment to curiosity, and making the most of things versus going into a sulky place.   The lesson Gina and I both have learned in our relationships and in our work is that there is no perfect relational tool to end conflict or mistake-making.  The real transformational practice is getting comfortable with discomfort and in staying present. RESOURCES: Get to know more about Gina Senarighi at https://heygina.com/ (HeyGina.com) Listen t

When conflict arises in our relationships, what does it mean to shift from 1st consciousness to 2nd consciousness? It has a lot to do with shifting from a preoccupation of the self into self-awareness of our own “going up” and “going down” as well as curiosity about other perspectives. This alone is a complex conversation, but believe it or not, it’s one that can be grasped and practiced quicker than you’d think.  And once you have an understanding of it, it’s like someone’s turned a light on and you realize there’s so much more you can see clearly. Full disclaimer though: this is only the beginning! Self-awareness and 2nd consciousness is a life-long practice with many more lightbulbs to turn on along the way. Like all new things, it’s wobbly and awkward at times. Perfection just isn’t a thing when it comes to being human. (Does that disappoint you to hear or does it release you?)  Vickey Easa and I love musing on these things and we really dig in this week on the podcast. Tune

So often, we tend to think of boundaries in a punitive way, a way to protect us after something has happened.  They often show up as consequences, even sometimes creating a continuous cycle of retaliation and defensiveness.  But what if there was a way of thinking about them as a protection that helps us understand how to be relational—A protective layer for your relationships to ensure needs are met while preventing resentment or hurt?  It’s not only possible, it’s so necessary.   There’s a catch though:  As my latest guest, Sharon Martin. MSW, LCSW, will tell you, you need to know who you are and what you need, in order to put healthy boundaries into place.  And, since so many of us weren’t raised with healthy boundaries as children or maybe weren’t given age-appropriate space to discover who we are, this presents some messy boundary issues for us as adults.  Listen in as Sharon tells us why we all deserve healthy boundaries and how we can make small shifts that make

Dr. Stan Tatkin and Kara Hoppe, psychotherapists and co-authors of Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents, join the podcast to share their wisdom on creating secure, purposeful relationships in a world that is indifferent to us.  They explain why this relationship is so imperative, especially when it comes to raising healthy, happy children. Stan and Kara both bring a wealth of understanding of neurobiology and personal relational experience to this conversation. We talk about the importance of humor, how suffering can motivate us toward change, and how we can shift from being feeling-centered to purpose-centered in our relationship.  All of this ultimately makes us better parents and creates a secure relational foundation for our children.  In other words, this is how we parents can make it through the overwhelm, heal wounds for future generations, and begin to create the world we want to live in. Whether you’re expecting your first child, are deep in the throes of raising ch

The pandemic isn’t over yet, but life is opening back up again.  For some of us reopening can feel like whiplash just as much as it did when everything suddenly shut down.  This comes as a surprise for so many because who of us didn’t dream about what we were most looking forward to doing when the world reopened again?  It turns out it’s not so simple. With everything opening up so rapidly, it takes slowing down to reflect and notice what is bubbling up for us. In this episode, we explore windows of tolerance and how we can stay grounded and in our bodies as we test out the different facets of re-entry.  We also hold tight to the lessons learned over the last year and question how we can be more intentional in how we redesign our lives going forward.  There is wisdom in what we do to survive.  For all the challenges, pain, and grief of the past year or more, there is also gratitude, joy, and possibly even a fear of forgetting.  As Paola Bailey, Psy.D. says, “We have an oppor

No matter where you are on your healing journey, this episode has much to offer about therapy and setting boundaries. It highlights a gentle way to approach long term healing and reinforces the value of discerning and setting boundaries that keep our selves safe and deepen our relationships. Relationships are foundational to our individual and collective wellbeing. Generation after generation of intergenerational trauma have imparted messages that tell us it's selfish/unsafe to focus on our selves. In this episode, we explore how compassionate self inquiry helps expand our understanding of boundaries beyond protection and walls towards invitations for deeper closeness. Healthy relationships feel expansive. Therapy helps us become more expansive, healthier humans, more connected to our full messy, authentic, human selves, to others, and more present in the world. As Esther Boykin says, “therapy is not a dirty word.” RESOURCES:Esther Boykin is a psychotherapist who wants to live in a world where everyone beli

Kelly McDaniel, LPC returns to the podcast (she joined us on episode 28: https://connectfulness.com/episode/28-legacy-of-chronic-loneliness-kelly-mcdaniel (The Legacy of Chronic Loneliness)) to explore the legacy of maternal deprivation. Her upcoming book, https://kellymcdanieltherapy.com/books/ (Mother Hunger), soothes the legacy of shame that accompanies being under-mothered. Mother Hunger addresses the constant search for love —nurturance, protection, and guidance— that may lead to a lifelong quest for what was missing. It’s not about critiquing how you were raised, rather it’s about learning how to heal and re-parent the hungry parts inside. Healing begins with knowing and naming what we are missing. If you’re one of many who feel a sense of dread and grief as Mother's Day nears, these feelings may be related to Mother Hunger and I hope this episode helps you feel a little less alone. RESOURCES: Kelly McDaniel's Website: https://kellymcdanieltherapy.com/ (kellymcdanieltherapy.com) https://

Our society is constructed to benefit White people, whether they're conscious of it or not. The “norm” we’ve inherited centers an oppressive and privileging system when it comes to equity and power. And it plays out in relationships... In this episode, Francesca Maximé joins us to explore how interracial partners can embody anti-racism in their relationship. We explore how blind spots and racial misattunements affect interracial relationships. And we discuss how to build more equitable partnerships. White Partners: You may have to practice sitting with discomfort, be honest about what you don't know, educate yourself, and lean into curiously opening conversations with your partner about their experience and how it differs from yours. (This episode was recorded at the end of 2020.) RESOURCES: Francesca Maximé, LMSW is the host of the https://beherenownetwork.com/category/francesca-maxime/ (#ReRooted trauma, neuroscience and social justice podcast on the Be Here Now Network). Learn More about her offerings at

My colleagues Jules and Vickey and I just launched a new podcast and I am super excited to share it with you, so I'm sharing it here!! In this trailer, we're sharing the story of how we met, how we've come to work together, how this podcast came to be, and what you can expect in future episodes. We're calling this podcast Why Does My Partner (or Why Doesn't My Partner, it's interchangeable) because these are the questions we hear over and over again in our offices. We believe these questions lead to the GOLD of relational healing and the answers under these questions will bring us deep into the skills at the heart of deeper relational intimacy, greater health, and fulfillment. Share your questions with us at: https://whydoesmypartner.com/ (whydoesmypartner.com)! If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at http://whydoesmypartner.com/ (WhyDoesMyPartner.com) This podcast is not a subst

Today’s guest, Dr. Rick Butts, cofounded the Healing Our Core Issues Institute (HOCII). We discuss how the nature of the child —to be imperfect and human— is linked to how we humans come to know ourselves as we mature. We explore the woundings, teachings and adaptations that shape us in our formative years and become how we present in the world. And we examine the tasks of recovering our sense of self which comes when we can see and accept ourselves as human in all areas of our life. These teaching have opened many inroads to my own healing journey and I hope this episode helps you, wherever you are on your journey. Past episodes referenced: https://connectfulness.com/episode/015-journey-to-discover-the-self-with-jan-bergstrom (Journey to Discover the Self with Jan Bergstrom) https://connectfulness.com/episode/024-generational-healing-la-shanda-sugg (Generational Healing with La Shanda Sugg) https://connectfulness.com/episode/007-mark-wolynn (Inherited Family Trauma with Mark Wolynn) https://connectfulness.c