Good Night

Happy Second Anniversary. We've made it through two years together, and here's an offer of a free CD of the five most downloaded "Good Night" podcasts...free. No strings attached. No promotional gimmicks. Just a "Happy Anniversary" gift from me to you.

Louie - Louie Generation Guys are the bedmates of choice for super models, movie stars and smart beautiful women of all kinds because of our charm, poise and grace...and because some of us have a little money. Here are 20 of Big Louie's tips that can make even young guys somewhat more acceptable to lovely ladies.

There are questions like Who is God...and even who are you ? I have no clue. I can't even figure out why the windshield wiper on the driver's side always wears out before the one on the other side. And how come some women raise one foot when they kiss? Even the connection between sticking your tongue out and concentrating escapes me. I've come to the conclusion that maybe some questions don't really need an answer...and some answers don't need questions.

Fantasy is the difference between a woman wearing underwear and a lady wearing lingerie. Fantasies are sexy. "Sister Mary Knuckle Buster" probably won't like this, but in this podcast...you will be exposed (as it were) to one of the innermost fantasies of this Brooklyn kid.

There's no time to waste in New York. That's why most of what New Yorkers have to say can be summed up with one finger. You'll learn to speak New York in this podcast. You'll learn about Brooklyn fertility rites. You'll learn about Wolfman Jack on WNBC and Cousin Brucie (Morrow) on WABC. Life in New York can be a dog eat dog experience. But listening to this podcast will help you avoid wearing hamburger shorts when you visit.

Crayons are an example of little things that mean a lot. They've been around since the 1930s. So you have to figure all of today's big shots must have played with them as kids. President Bush, the Pope, Mucktada whatever his name is...all of them. Can't you see them as little kids...scribbling like mad in their coloring books...then running over to their mommies to show the results ? This time, we take a look at other things that mean a lot...including the one little thing that means...more than anything else in the world.

This is about the day when my Lady Wonder Wench turned into my Baseball Babe. It has to do with being stubborn, her brother Bob, and the Star Spangled Banner. It's also about an encounter with a nun sliding into second base brandishing a rosary with a 20 pound crucifix on it...then feeling guilty...so she went back to first...and the reason why no women will ever play major league baseball. In shore...here's one to offend everybody.

My Lady Wonder Wench is trying to improve my table manners. Frustrating. She says I should be more communicative, but then she asks me a question when I have half a hamburger in my mouth, and she tells me I shouldn't talk with my mouth full. I like the words of Big Louie...his own bad self: "Tis better to burp and bear the shame, than not to burp and bear the pain." But it's when I pick my teeth that I get the ultimate sarcastic comment...the sarcasm equivalent of the raised center finger...one raised eyebrow...and silence. It's awful.

It's a big thing when a woman trusts a man to feel safe and comfortable enough to sleep with him. The sleeping part I mean. Trust is a big thing. I think homeless people must be terrified when they have to go to sleep alone on the street. It can be a nasty world out there. This is about watching my Lady Wonder Wench sleep... comfortably. And about chasing my alarm clock around the room and smashing it against the wall, while I'm snarling something like, "don't tell me what to do buddy" at it.

Wonder Wench has stood by me through all kids to tough stuff. But she turns on me when I'm driving. One or two wheels come up off the ground going around a corner, and she shrieks. Bump up on the sidewalk to avoid a red light, and she hollers, "Watch Out." Scares the hell out of a guy. Find out how my buddy Al handles this kind of situation with his wife, and check out the status of the Summer Stumper in this episode of "Good Night."

Birthdays sneak up on you like a bug sneaks up on a windshield. My kids are now older than I think I am. This episode includes my new grandparent's prayer: "Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my kid's shoulder, and your hand over my mouth." And you get a shot at the new Summer Stumper: What is it without which an airplane cannot fly, but which is of no value to the airplane ?" And most important, a few words from Kris, that make another birthday...ok.

We are way too busy. Here's the solution. Pick one day of the week, and make it your DON'T DO WHAT YOU DON'T WANNA DO DAY (do wah, doo waahh.) On your D.D.W.Y.D.W.D.D. if someone says, "You've got to cut the lawn" just smile and say (do wah, doo waahh.) If somebody says "stick to your diet" on your D.D.W.Y.D.W.D.D. just say, "Eating is good for the farmers." The main reason many of you women are not married to George Clooney is because you didn't pay attention to your D.D.W.Y.D.W.D.D. The explanation is in this week's podcast.

Bogart got it right in "Casablanca." "Here's looking at you kid," he said. He didn't say, "Hey, look at my bankroll," or "Let me prove I don't need Viagra baby." He looked at Ingrid Bergman, who was possibly the most beautiful woman in the world at the time, and he just said..."here's looking at YOU"...and the screen was instantly full of her eyes. This is the story of a Valentine Day dinner with my Lady Wonder Wench, that I think Bogie and Bergman would have understood.

My 6' 8" buddy "Tinkerbelle" and his bride JoAnne did the deed. Fortunately, they avoided the "Number One Wedding Song of the Year"...and opted for part of the "Song of Solomon" instead. If you want to know what that has to do with spitting in the soup, getting kicked out of a gym for pulling a groin muscle that's not your own, and the Church's stand against Christmas, you'll have to listen to this week's podcast.

Any REAL Louie-Louie Generation Guy or Girl will know where Puff the Magic Dragon lived...although you may have forgotten. We do forget things don't we? My Lady Wonder Wench went to a Peter, Paul and Mary Concert...and it was something I don't think we'll ever forget.

What do Paul Newman, George Bush Senior, and Dick Summer have in common? Too many things to list actually...but here's one: WE LOVE GOING VROOM-VROOM. Certain Non-Guys may not fully appreciate what a double dose of VROOM does for testosterone soaked wretches. All they need to know about that, plus what Neil Armstrong said when he got back in the Lander to LEAVE the moon...is right here.

I have a soft living room carpet, because I like to walk around in bare feet...which leaves footprints. I do my daily pushups on the carpet, which leaves handprints. My Lady Wonder Wench always smooths them away when we have company. She says "People think we're kinky enough." This is the story of how those hand prints made a 25 year old body with the mind of a four year old.

My Lady Wonder Wench says, "The difference between men and boys is the size of their toys." Here's the story of SPEEDY...my latest toy. She's my brand new car... glinting gun metal grey in my driveway. She doesn't pull high "G"s leaving long trails of smoking tires and fiery exhaust...but she does go from zero to sixty in the same day...and legend has it she gets forty miles per gallon on the highway...which means she may get to replace my little blue blankie when it's check book time.

Chuckles are good....even when life is giving you a bad case of sweaty eyes. They give you a little space...a little time...a little hope...as long as you just avoid the temptation to look in the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night. When life sucks, this podcast will explain how you can dial up your 'tude, and smack it back with a big, bad, "Louie."

This is a modest but sincere Christmas present for those of you who like the Personal Audio CDs. CD Baby has a counter on the number of times various tracks are downloaded, so we know which tracks you like best. This podcast features the top five stories, plus a little background on each one. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.