Abject Suffering

Routine errands beckon to you in a non-maze-like world. You are being mocked by a capricious god whose only mechanical means of influencing you are temptation and punishment. Can you feed your child and get to your finger-licious reward?

So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town. So - we go. And - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweets shop, eh. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopowner and his son... that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business, really. But, sure enough, I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.

Dick Dagger: It's more than just an incredibly predictable porn star name. It's what you kill things with in this awful game. Join us as we try and talk about anything and everything but this atrocity.

Hey there, Clever Girls... are you ready to have a prepubescent crush on Laura Dern? We thought so. There really isn't a great Jurassic Park game, but the Genesis one is made of human butt. And we don't care that you get to be a raptor, because that's the dream we live every night... as were-raptors.

Auuegh!? What we need now is more power. Wilson is across the fence, and we should mow him down with our Binford=Taylor Hedge Trimmers, because that's the only way to the truth about what happened in my tragic head injury. Also, something about men and women being different, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas being the wellspring from which all fetish flows.

Shaq is baq, and he's on the attaq! Sucked into the Second World and tasked with saving a little Japanese boy, it's sure to be a shoq to his system. However, us qanny gamers will know how to guide him to victory against voodoo priestesses and, Carnage? I guess.

I don't remember the part of Lord of the Rings where Frodo got a sword that would turn things into skeletons... let alone, I don't think he had it in Hobbitton. But that's the least of our worries, as we try and ignore the bitchin' tunes and talk about how weird this action RPG is.

While just blog-checkin' on Tyson, we found this amazingly awful and weird game. Things take a turn for the serious as we talk about the ethics of professional sports, and how they relate to Space Jam. Is Noted Rapist Mike Tyson able to punch out the alien threat? We should find out. This podcast is dedicated to our collective dead Aunts. God bless, Jesus is Lord. Abject Suffering

It's a dark night for the world... Mandatory Municipal Pepsi has rendered the entire population diabetic, and only one man, Captain Novolin can save us. Eat the good aliens, and avoid the bad, and hope to Christ that you have enough blood.

Kid Kool is here to teach you the ways of love, as he begins our long and fruitful affair with bad NES platformers. Have you been good? If you died today, would you go to Jump Heaven or Speed Hell? We will all be judged, abjectly.

Living it up while you're going down? Picture Steven Tyler making a series of tuna fish sandwiches, while you're suffering through a pretty crappy light gun game. That's Revolution X. Gary and Kole aren't pleased, but we quickly get off the topic of this game, glowing green skulls and all.