We Want The D

All things must come to an end, and so the time has come to bid farewell to the definitive Disney sports team - though just a few week away from their Disney+ return/reboot. D3: THE MIGHTY DUCKS sends the ragtag group of hockey players off rather appropriately - with them finally learning how to actually play hockey, free of trick plays and illegal moves. But it also means a reduced role for Gordon Bombay, an unearned shoulder chip for Charlie Conway, and a total sidelining of star player Adam Banks. It's not quite a thrilling conclusion, but hey, the Ducks were never one to do things conventionally. 

On the surface, THE UGLY DACHSHUND seems like pretty standard 1960's Disney fare - low stakes slapstick-ish comedy, the enjoyment of which will largely depend on how much any given viewer likes dogs and seeing them make messes. Dig a little deeper, however, and a darker portrait of a nearly dysfunctional marriage reveals itself. The couple that owns these dogs love them, at least purportedly. But the real question is - do they even love each other? 

Y'all might thing you know Disney's Mulan, but do you know MULAN (2020)? Cause this Mulan is different. This Mulan has magic powers. This Mulan has a silent, possibly imaginary bird friend. This Mulan has less thematic resonance. This Mulan's production has problematic associations with the Chinese Communist Party. It's a whole big thing with lots to unpack, so let's not waste anymore time and just get to it.

Recall the tale of Pinocchio, the story of a wooden puppet brought to life and all his many misadventures. Recall the wish that animated his wooden body, granted by the Blue Fairy and made upon a star by an old toymaker. Haven't you always wondered, D-Lovers, just what that lonely, single man was up to while Pinocchio was off on his own? If you're anything like our hosts, the answer is a resounding 'no.' Yet, thanks to the Wonderful World of Disney, we have our answer to a question no one asked in the form of the TV movie GEPPETTO. 

You're old news, Pacino and De Niro in Heat. Step aside, DiCaprio and Pitt in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. It's time to let the big dogs out - or rather, the big dog and big bear. Because Disney's WHITE FANG features the long-awaited and still-to-be-topped pairing of esteemed animal actors Jed the wolfdog (who we last saw journeying with Natty Gann) and Bart the Bear. Oh, and Academy Award nominee Ethan Hawke is there too, for whatever that's worth.

It's an episode of first and lasts this week on We Want The D. We bid a not-necessarily fond farewell to director Vincent McEveety, who has sometimes delighted but generally plagued us through several of Disney's 60s/70s offerings over the past few years. But we also sneakily start to pivot to the untapped podcasting market of true crime storytelling. Because SUPERDAD just so happens to star one Bob Crane, who both in this movie and in life wasn't really all that super. 

We're closing out the year with another Disney epic. But it's not a swashbuckling adventure or a superhero extravaganza, it's THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE. A classic (or should we say dated) comedy musical that tells the story of...well, we're not really sure. A father who keeps gators in his upscale Philadelphia home? A daughter who wants to find love unfettered by her promising boxing career? A butler with a sunny outlook thanks to a made-up word? It's gotta be something, cause this movie is almost three hours long!

We're wrapping up the winter of our discontent with a more modern, more direct-to-video installment with MICKEY'S ONCE UPON A CHRISTMAS. This Disney holiday releases features a trio of stories clearly targeted towards very young children, yet still somehow featuring concepts and ideas that will prompt difficult questions for parents to answer. For our hosts' part, they've never felt sorrier for Donald, never loved Goofy more, and as for Mickey...they've got nothing against Mickey. 

Finally, after many requests, and after much debate and deliberation, it's happened. We Want The D is talking Muppets. And what better way to welcome them into the fold than by shining some light onto the winter of our discontent in the form of THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL. A beloved classic no matter how you slice it, the first Disney/Muppet collab was a solid showcase for the gang and arguably the best adaptation of the Dickens novella. 

Now is the winter of our discontent. And what better way to kick off this most December of seasons than with a Disney movie with a divisive lead actress, a story penned by Meg Cabot, and that awkward early 2000s teen aesthetic (and soundtrack). We could only be talking about the one and only ICE PRINCESS, a movie about blowing a promising career in academia for a few fleeting years as a middle-tier at best figure skater. 

We'll give it to you straight, D-sciples: watching the final Fess Parker Disney movie is made all the more disappointing by the fact that THE GREAT LOCOMOTIVE CHASE just isn't very good. His usual calm-yet-charismatic stoicism just isn't well suited to the character he plays, and that's setting aside the fact that this movie plays the both side-ism card with the American Civil War of all things. But hey, Walt got to play train conductor for a few months, so probably worth it in his books. 

Our hosts have been flummoxed by Disney movies before, D-Lovers, but it's unlikely they've ever been flummoxed to this degree. OLD DOGS is ostensibly another entry in the "man not prepared for fatherhood is thrown into it" class of family film, and you'd think having the great Robin Williams in that role would be a recipe for success. But something is off with this movie, something is...wrong. And we're not just talking about whatever is going on with John Travolta's face. Was it written by a computer? Did the director have dirt on every Disney suit? Listen to find out if we get to the bottom of another bottom-of-the-barrel Disney movie.

A small trivia challenge for you, D-Lovers. Name five famous movie dogs. Now, did anyone happen to name Benji? You're forgiven even if you didn't, because despite starring in his own franchise of movies that spans decades, Benji seems to have flown under the radar, at least for our hosts. So BENJI THE HUNTED, his only Disney movie, was also our introduction to this cute little dog performer. And while Benji may have some impressive tricks up his sleeves, it's unfortunate that this script only really has three scenes it repeats over and over and over again.

Experience has taught us that plot descriptions can be deceiving, especially when it comes to 1960s live action Disney movies. A movie about a cat returning from the dead might be a dud, while the hijinks of a college campus scrambled egghead might be charming. So we can't be fully surprised that EMIL AND THE DETECTIVES, a movie about a small boy who teams up with another small boy who runs a detective agency/tourist company/porter service to reclaim his stolen 400 deutschmarks from a wanted criminal who dresses like a clown ended up being a pretty solid viewing experience. 

In these strange and uncertain times, it's nice to have something to rely on. And what could be more dependable than knowing watching Fess Parker's raw and steady charisma in Disney's DAVY CROCKETT AND THE RIVER PIRATES will bring some measure of comfort? And as an added bonus, this movie also treats our hosts to the one-of-a-kind, King of the River, barrel-chested Mike Fink - who may have been a bit of a shit in real life, but his fictional counterpart is pure delight. 

Let us explain, D-Lovers. We know that THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS was originally released under the Touchstone banner, and Disney only properly brought it into the fold upon it's rerelease some ten years later. We know we've been pretty strict about what qualifies as a Disney movie for this podcast. But consider this: if Vicky, Nolan and Jill had to watch one more lousy, Halloween-themed TV movie this year (of all years), our hosts would lose their collective and individual minds. So we're treating ourselves, and therefor also treating you to this bonafide classic. Don't think about it too much and just enjoy it!

No October Season would be complete without a visit to Halloweentown, but it is with great regret that we inform you this year's trip has been cancelled. This time, it's a bunch of Halloweentown teens who are coming to us - more specifically, to a Utah high school/adult learning annex. HALLOWEENTOWN HIGH may be aptly named anyway, since it's the high point in the series so far, but that might be damning it with faint praise. Join us as we see just how dumb and horny these Cromwell witches can be, see some familiar High School Musical faces, and play another game of We Want The D favourite "is that a real monkey?"

Our collective October Season nightmare of Disney Channel Original Movies continues this week with DON'T LOOK UNDER THE BED. Its fan reputation may have you believe that this is a legit spooky story, and sure there may be a jump scare or two, but overall there's just way too many vests worn by the lead character for this to be truly threatening. And it doesn't matter how mean or prankful a boogeyman (or boogeyperson) is, when contrasted with the world's most charismatic imaginary friend there's just no way to find them truly frightening.

It's October Season which only means one thing - our hosts are going to be subjected to the horrors of a bunch of Halloween-ish Disney made-for-TV movies. And as you can imagine, this one is a doozy. Because Z-O-M-B-I-E-S is in many ways the spiritual successor to a few other high school-set DCOM musicals you may have heard of, and opinions are sharply divided on whether it is a worthy successor to the throne. The stakes have never been lower and the pastels have never been more sickly.

It's the most spookiest time of the year! We're kicking off this October Season with what isn't really a Halloween movie, but hey at least we're not starting with a DCOM. So MALEFICENT: MISTRESS OF EVIL will have to do. Which more or less encapsulates our hosts' feelings toward this Disney movie, as a follow-up to a film none of us really liked but had a number of things we liked about it. This sequel though? Not so much. But at the end of the day, it's still got Angelina Jolie and her striking features, weird skeleton, and delightful performance.