Your Mom's House With Christina P. And Tom Segura

We speak English and you understand us, but YOU speak English and we don't understand a single word you're saying, Scottish jeans. Did you ever go hoggin' back in your day? Gaping butthole photos? We cover that for you. Sometimes violence in movies and television is hysterical and we kind of disagree on that. Weigh in with your opinion, won't you? Did you know that Webster was a huge pop star in Japan? We have the never award winning audio! His voice is annoying and adorable at the same time! Coca-Cola calls its customers RETARDS and we have the proof (or was it retardED). We give you the FULL Willie Rack Em audio and Tommy hits on a sushi waitress. Remember, there's only 1 Mommy.

If you have a family that is overflowing with talent then you need to have a vision for the journey so the spirits can come together and be a business. That's a quote. Sort of. Listen to how the Will and Jada Smith's run their household. Be sure to have a bucket nearby - you might get sick. Some actors are also too talented for their own good, like Jared Leto or a pile of horse sh*t. Egos of this magnitude are fascinating. Ladies, if it's that time of the month, don't be selfish. Offer your "other" entry so that a man doesn't suffer just because you're "bleeding." Theo talks smack to Tina and a whole lot more! Jeans Forever!

Sometimes you have to listen closely to hear all the magic that's in the air (air that escapes from our butt). Luckily, we had a microphone to Tommy's butt on the Bertcast and we've got the audio ready for you. Lil Debbie is a wanna be ratchet girl who really talks like a valley girl, but who cares? We keeps it real. Charo tells us another cab driving story only this time it's in Spanish and English and Spanish and Spangrish. Top Dog gets on the horn to discuss the diagnosis that he's a sociopath and Super Maria is FIRED UP about a RUDE lady at, where else, Starbucks. Plus we read from GG Allin's diary. This episode really covers all your basic dietary needs. 

Drugs are powerful. People say what they wanna say. It's f***ed! We'll show you. If you like p***y does that make you a p***y magnet? Get ready for some great awful music. The White Girl Mob needs to look into comedy cause these videos are HILARIOUS for all the wrong reasons. Anthens rack em is dead! RIP. Also, Stevie is probably not going to be at our Nashville show. We'll tell you why (though you can probably guess). America's most annoying child celebrity, the incredibly delusional Jaden Smith spreads his stupidity thru twitter. Is anything better than a severely sick person starring in a sitcom? We don't think so either. You know what I'm sayin?

J-J-J-J-J Jeans Unit! Hello, meow. Thanks for getting that new fall line of denim for this episode. We wear our jeans at eye level on this one. Crack can make you cry and by cry, we mean, that's hilarious. The ORIGINAL MOMMY, Charo gets on the phone and tells us a story that will have you begging for even MORE MOMMY. We discuss the possibility that Top Dog is a true killer and Maria reveals news that is so big, so mind blowing we don't think the world is ready for it. Get ready for an epic episode. Peace, God. 

You gonna repsect the game, ho. You know what I'm sayin? Do you? No? Oh, well, it's kinda confusing. Luckily for you we have a guest that fits into our studio like a brand new custom pair of jeans. You may have seen her in I Love You, Man, Enlightened, or Drunk History and now she's all up in your ear buds, (She's also the last person that GG Allin slept with but her husband doesn't know so don't tell him) it's Sarah Burns! It's also show and tell time for the mommies as we play her some of our favorite recent clips. This includes some of the KING (you've been warned). There's also Tom or Black and more! You can go ahead and "favorite" this episode now - it's amazing. 

You no speaky like you do before. Where you from? Ingrrand? It happens and it's real. Migraines can lead to Foreign Accent Syndrome.  It'd be soooo much better if super square white guys woke up speaking like Antonio Cromartie. The mommies go back for more sushi and get the inside scoop on the family that shames them. The jeans talk about their weekends in Long Island and Austin, plus audio of a racist porn star, Dental Updates and more!

What's your parenting style? Shame, anger, guilt, all 3? Good for you. We welcome your form of abuse into our home. All forms of entertainment including sports are simply distractions. What's important is rarely discussed by the majority. We get into the thick of it and question why. Why do we ignore what's really significant? After this prolific philosophical question we soon have Top Dog on the phone to talk about poop. Tommy introduces TD to the Bristol Stool Scale and the results are magnificent. What was Da Vinci's reaction when he discovered a paintbrush? Very similar. If you ever have a problem with your food be sure to call 911. That's what it's for. 

Get your hands off my penis! All of you! Can you be arrested for simply enjoying a meal? We think, yes. Jeans has t*ts for days and well, buns has d**k for days, ya dig? If you are black and don't have d**k for days would you be a doll and let us know about it? We examine the porn girls voice - could you possible remove that with your implants, please! Tommy trains Tina in identifying who is a suck pig and who isn't, but Tina reveals the secret of what shames and what celebrates giving out the good stuff. Be proud of who you are, pig!

The mommies can't add. We know words and we know sounds and we know that catsfish and bass loves frogs cause we're smart. We knows what's to use! But math - no thank you! Tommy is smarter than Tina, but Tina has a big heart. Tommy also has a special gift - he knows from simply glancing at a woman if she is DTF. He knows who is a waste of time and who has jeans that are easy to take off. We go back for Sushi from the lady who enjoys shaming us, but this time we show her who will apply more pressure (pwessha). We have a Brown Talk segment that truly breaks it down. Plus Dental Updates and more!

Why do porn girls talk like that? Like OH MY GAWWWD? We consider this earth shattering truth. How many is too many? How many can you handle? Tommy announces his all NEW football podcast is finally UP! Charge It To The Game is available NOW on iTunes, Stitcher, and it the Charge it Web Page - you know what I'm sayin? Jeans is feeling better. Mostly because she's now very into narcotics. We delve into Real Talk and break down what the man with 132 lb scrotum is all about - all kinds of nuts. Tommy talks about his Vegas weekend - big ballin, ya'll. We share your trucker stories and more! New Fall line jeans are coming out!

Mayday Mayday Mayday! Mommy Down! That's right, this episode there's only 1 mommy, 1 pair of lower, looser jeans. It's sad, but don't worry. Tina mommy will end up being okay. She's resting and getting new denim to make her feel better. This episode we have the very funny, unpredictable and completely outrageous, Brandt Tobler in the Dome. Nicky Santoro is a more welcome sight in casinos than Tobler. If you think I'm kidding, just listen. Tobler's stories are so incredible you genuinely feel like he's telling you fiction - but he isn't. He's done more and seen more than most people see in 10 lifetimes. It's always great to get a comic in the building with all kinds of crazy stories to tell. Buckle up on this one. We guarantee you'll be wanting to hear more from Tobler. Don't forget to follow him -- @brandtTobler 

Texas was off boot kickin good time, ya'll! We tell ya all 'bout it! We want your crazy trucker stories, truckers. Tell us about lizard lots. Real Talk: Naked and Afraid is Lame and Dumb. Inside the Vietnam War is very informative and gets a pass on racial slurs - pretty awesome, huh? We never watch shows when they're hott, son. That's why Christina is just now watchin The Sopranos, you know what I'm sayin? Aunty FeeFee knocks it out of the park again. Just when you think she can't wrap God and something unrelated into a song, she blows your mind. Tommy and Tina give you the list of what they're most thankful for. What are you most thankful for? Beef? Your Phone? We have crack whores talkin smack before they shoot adult stuff too. It's a good day!

Before last Wednesday we honestly thought that Hilary Clinton was America's most polarizing figure, but we've learned that isn't the case. Perhaps no person has such a profoundly different affect on the American public than King A** Ripper AKA Gross Glutton Manners. The man who's farts can be heard around the world made some of you scream with laughter while other cried is complete disgust. We read your feedback as we prepare to do live shows in Texas. Learning isn't supposed to be fun. Stop being stupid, just learn like an adult. By reading. Books. Ladies, don't feel bad if your hangers flap around in the wind. Us guys still want whatever you got. Keep your chin and your jeans up. 

Our philosophy has always been push as hard as you can until it hurts and then tell us about it - and you did! Your poop triggers are fascinating and unique. STOP THE PRESS - Stevie has been sighted in Nashville! This is HUGE news. Please, if you are in the Nashville area approach with caution and let Stevie know that the mommies are coming to town! You gotta take care of your FEETSIES. You're saying a lot if your toes are all mashed up and flakey. Hands too. I guess Tommy is freakin out man cause his fingers are ALL chewey! Ewwwwww. Plus a huge video reveal: IFartInYoFace is the King A** Ripper and we celebrate his gift with all of you. All others bow in his presence or face his wrath (from his butthole)! Get a whiff of that!

This episode will have your jeans in a super high twist! There's no berries like Sherry's berries. Imposters need not apply (Terry). We read your emails and discuss Tom's beard flakes. What reality shows are you watching? And a very special phone call with Top Dog that will have you looking at public restrooms in a whole new way. And we take your phone calls and give you love advice. 2 Mommies 1 Jeans.

Do you share your garden with your neighbors? No? You Pinocchio nosed whore! If all kinds of crazy is what you like then this is the episode for you! We revisit the genius that was Anne Ramsey (Throw Mama From The Train), a lady who can talk to animals spoke to Theo and she has something to say! Buns talks doin WORK in Richmond, fart fetishes are revealed by our listeners - YOU can't get enough! Plus airline perks should be obeyed, Would You Rather and more!

Some have had the never to criticise this show for being less than sophisticated. To those that have unflattering remarks about us we present to you Episode 141. The Mona Lisa, the Sistine Chapel, and now this very episode of Your Mom's House with all mentioned in the same breath. We examine the meaning of life, the purpose for which one exists and we might just have an answer to the question, "Is there a God?" Give this podcast a listen and you'll be pleased by what you hear. We also take more calls from our listeners about Love! Can you feel that? That's your jeans getting TIGHTER! 

Crime fighting extraordinaire, Armenian revolutionary, self-proclaimed deviant and somehow still good guy, Sam Tripoli is in the Mommy Dome. When "Trips" is in the room it's a non-stop party from beginning to end. We talk shop and having a gambling dad who "smashes black ass," nightmare gigs, strippers and so much more. Sammy also comes close to breaking records on Tom or Black, plus Dental Updates and more!! Don't forget to watch Tommy's new short film, "9 Inches" on his YouTube channel. 

Blue jeans, Blue jeans, oh where are thou Blue jeans? If you liked the first bonus ep we released get ready to lose your mind with the second one. Christina's dad came into our studio for nearly 2 hours and dropped so much science we both have degrees. It's heartwarming, hilarious and incredible insight into what made Tina mommy who she is today (she's like a dog - you'll see). Plus we visit the new Weiner scandal and read some of his hysterical (creepy) texts and NEW Fill Her Up/Seal Her Shut and for the first time ever we take YOUR calls. Sorry for the call waiting beeps. We're figuring it out, but we loved hearing your love issues. We love her!