Your Mom's House With Christina P. And Tom Segura

Hope there are still no carnists listening to our show, but if there are, stop now. Otherwise picture Tommy's tongue licking the air and put whatever you want there. Also, listen to songs about it.  Did you spend time with your father lately? Did he orgasm in front of you? We sure hope so. Tommy's dad, Top Dog, is back with some great advice on, you guessed it, some BROWN TALK. We have an original song that's gonna blow your jeans off, plus some Asian talk that sounds eerily familiar. Paging Sharkeisha - Honey are you there?!? If you loosen your jeans for this episode you'll never forgive yourself.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get your dad ready to orgasm - it's LIVE from Man Fran Disco (San Francisco)! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is for Vegan's only!! Carnists are not allowed to listen. SORRY!  Now that it's only us, picture Tommy kissing your thighs. Feel better? GOOOOOOD. Why do people over 50 refuse to drink water? Water is in us and everywhere around us. Maybe they are just wiser and know that nothing satisfies your bodies cravings for hydration and nutrients like Diet Coke. It tastes good and it's good for you. Especially post-workout.  Do you remember your father's funeral? How many orgasms did you have staring at his corpse? We found someone that may have been more aroused than you and it's ALL TIME CLASSIC MOM mode already. Get ready to cry from joy and from your relentless orgasms on this one! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

POP! Pimp Squad for life, baby! If you can't see, then that should be your story and you should always say that no matter who asks you what. You know what we're sayin, you feel us, know what we're talking about?   Kentucky Jeans and Momlando Jeans were worn this weekend - get the breakdown, Gawd. Plus Tina explains what that drop about God and blessing is all about. Do you watch comedy? Does it ever upset you. Please blog and share in detail how you feel and your disappointment about it. Even if you laughed, somewhere inside you there is surely something to complain about.  And we have a song that we can only WISH came from a listener - Maybe it did??? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ohhhh Jeans! We're Back! Tommy pulled up his sick, barking jeans and coughs and blows his nose throughout the show just to remind you that he sacrifices so much for her.  Tina is VERY surprised to hear a series of NEW drops in her honor! Can you guess what they are? They are blessed indeed.  Be sure to relax on this one as the smooth sounds of Crapzo and Manwelle and White Tigress penetrate your soul - choose whichever one best suits your needs.  Plus we give you the 411 on the Segura Family Cruise. What's that? Were family genitals shared? Mmmm-hmmm. Plus some WOULD YOU RATHERS and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, we were about to do a new episode but then Tommy went off and got sick like a big, ol dumb bear. Now he's on bed rest and we have to delay our return for another day.  Please enjoy this Classic episode which has the origins of F****n Camp! among other Tourettes Classics! This is high quality denim we have here.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh meowmy, does she miss us? Our vacation is almost over, but we didn't forget about you. Here's one more classic pair of jeans for you and you guessed it, it's amazing.  Once again, this episode features Top Dog and BROWN and it's epic. We hope you took care of your teeth while we were gone. We're going to check each of your toothbrushes to make sure of it, Theo. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh yeah, Jeans. It's time for more of those Classic Jeans. This is that bespoke denim you can't find in the stores.  This very special episode captures one of the greatest moments in podcasting history - Top Dog and brown come together in REAL TIME.  Buckle Up, you ain't ready.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Reach into the closet, up onto that top shelf. Further, no further. Yeah, those nice worn in jeans are there. Put them on and pull them up. While the moms are on vacation we give you an oldie but goodie. Some of the origins of Mommycode are deep within this episode. Listen and enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Shots Fired!!! If you're down in the 954 or the 305 and you see a half naked white dude singing and dancing shakin' that thang - don't worry, that's Rihanna. The elephant in the room must be addressed - Peter Caine has called the MAIN MOMS out! Lord only knows what will happen next, but Peter Caine is on the watch list. Should he worry about Tina and Tommy? No. The little Mommy's? Probably. Theo? You Bet. You can't just talk s**t like that and not expect bad things to happen.  As Theo has always said, "Don't start nuttin, won't be nuttin."  Plus Tommy has returned from City Connection and he can't wait to go back. He's got that international jeans fever! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Please don't talk, please don't touch my service dog! Don't talk to my dog, the dog is being good. You're getting the dog in trouble, you di@k! Maybe Peter Caine is right??? Tom's in Hong Kong aka "City Connection" right now. He had a real nice hair cut before he left and we talk about it. Christina admits to seeing the same hairdresser since 1998, but he's awesome so don't sweat it.  Cops are still all fu$%in bald and s$it. We discuss nightmare jobs for us personally. Being nocturnal is horrible. COPS is our new favorite show. It's fun to watch people who cook meth getting arrested. And you should always look at the positive aspects of your meth cooking spouse. Christina gets punished for using her BIG WORDS in the last episode... Aunty Fee takes the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When Tom picks the opening clips, it's usually porn. But this porn clip is "revolutionary" according to Tom. We deconstruct Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda". Both versions, fart and original. We also explore "the cowboy hip hop" and real "hip hop" dancing. The cargo pant debate rages on! We look forward to Tom's upcoming Asian dumps. Theo hears his latest song and comes on the show to discuss his royalty agreement. Wendy's has a neat corporate training song.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whenever you see a microphone anywhere that is an opportunity. The possibility now exists that you can grab that mic and you can fart in it. This is how we even the playing field in life. A homeless man and a Greek billionaire suddenly become the same living being - a mic farter.  King A** Ripper is an international treasure for a reason. He seizes the opportunities that others ignore. He never, EVER passes on the chance to drop heat for the rest of us. Thank you Hairy N Gross Glutton. You inspire us all. International super star Nicki Minaj got the hint (okay it wasn't her) and now has a real hit on her hands! Plus Theo heard the song that all the Mommy's are talking about and, you guessed it, he wants his cut. Tina tries to reason with him, but there's no taking the hood out of this pooch.  Tina is a big NERD and wears undies during a massage (MOMSSAGE). Are you the same type of NERD that she is? If you're a flight attendant please keep the jokes inside of your head. You're the WORST! And finally Half Ounce

Don't yank your snot in another seaman's towel! It's rude and disgusting and now we got two guys on Night Watch to make sure no one else does it, Master Seargent. Little Doggy Jeans AKA Feefo AKA Theo Huxtable AKA The Hardest playa on the block ate tin foil. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that he is not a "Very smart person." He is, in fact, a dog. In this, The "Forgotten "Episode" we recap how our dog scared us and made us rush all over the city worried sick about our sick dog. We were so worried that we forgot to upload this ep in our mad rush to catch a flight. Desperate salesmen are like friends - They're the WORST!!!  Plus we talk about LEASE-A-CAR Acting Studios, Dental Updates and more. We'll never forget our Jeans behind again!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you do the ALS Ice Bucket challenge make sure you suffer thru it, so says the unofficial spokesman of the ALS Foundation.  We wear our jeans the highest and we hope you appreciate that. Did you remember that cops are bald and s**t? They're bald, man. They're f****n bald. Do we have a song about that? Yup.  Plus Tommy ate a Joey Diaz edible again and, you guessed it, panic, fear and unplanned detours took place. When Tina reads their text exchange you might have to rewind it and hear it again.  Is the Cargo Shorts debate finally resolved?!?! NO. You, the little mommy can't decide and neither can we. Be The JEANS! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How's your hook set? BOOM! Make it pop.  Do you know how to pitch a show in Hollywood? We have the insight for you so that you can have a fun, depressing time like we do. There's a big, significant difference between a hard, bloated belly and a soft, hanging gut. We BREAK IT DOWN! You, the little mommy weighs in on the Cargo shorts/D**k Detective debate and we gotta tell you, the Mommy's are split! That's right, the debate continues!!! We got more love for Mike Tyson and we revisit King A** Ripper and his library of artwork (fart work).  Plus Tina's dad (from the 18th Street Gang) talk about how cops are like, F***in bald, man!   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you can't write a song, just sing what you're actually seeing or holding the moment that you open your mouth. That way you can belt out a total piece of trash, just like you were meant to. Turn up the volume! Listen to us talk about stuff and play audio clips! See? Plus Tommy met Mike Tyson. What? Yup. And it's a pretty crazy story. Turns out the former champ is a big fan of streaming content.  Do Cargo shorts make that bulge even BIGGER? The mommy's debate and invite you to weigh in with your d**k knowledge. Give us your best shot, little jeans. And OMG Maria is FIRED UP. Was it service? Yes. Was it Starbucks? No. Is a race/ethnicity mentioned? You bet! Pull em up! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's for the kids, man. The treats are for the kids and YMH is for the kids. If your kids don't already listen to this show, please change that.  We can't stand watching Americans look for real estate abroad. It's like listening to a child question how the science works - a lot of questions and sometimes the SAME ones. Over and over and over.  We have a DENTAL UPDATE from the NEWS - Oh my. Floss your denticles, hahahahaha. More bummer white people movies, bad music, DMX redeems himself and lot more.    We DON'T LIKE SALT WATER BREEZES!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sharkeisha, What??? We got a new jam for you.   Super talented comic/model Nick Youssef has an album out and now we can all rejoice! We've been long time fans of young Youssef and now you will be too. Make sure to get his debut, Stop Not Owning This.  Peter Caine is back at it - this time it's about your dog's leash and issues! Plus we introduce Nick to the idea of the C*mdog that will one day live in our backyard.  We cover The Comedy Store, Nick's youth and a whole LOT more. Nick is a total honorary mommy and will definitely be back weaving denim with us soon.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

These are the jeans you dream about. The ones we have on are made for sitting, talking, relaxing and of course, celebrating Eat A Booty Day. Thanks to Trick Daddy we can all celebrate together. Please reach out to him on twitter @305Mayor and ask him to sell us the Eat A Booty Shirts.  Speaking of clothes, has Tommy joined a gang? His new shorts and shirts will have saying, "Sup Homie! Sun Valley Gang for life homie!" Plus we investigate did a flight attendant have their EYES on Tommy Mommy's junk as he slept?!?! Let's break it down! The mommies ate some BAD food back to back and meals and their fart makers paid the price. BK plus eggs and pancakes make you feel good. Tina jeans did some serious fitness and then slept for 16 hours. Will she keep this new lifestyle choice up?   REAL TALK, Bummer White people movies and more!   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices