Something Like Marriage

How do you handle embarrassment in a relationship? Everyone handle's embarrassment differently. Sometimes we repress our embarrassment, get angry, or can laugh about what happened for years to come. The goal is to be able to talk about all emotions with your lover, including embarrassment. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Abigail Keenan) Relationship Podcast Gems: Sharing awkward moments with your lover can create deeper connection and intimacy It takes practice to share embarrassment in a relationship, especially around sexuality Jema shares her story about the time she peed her pants at college (now that's embarrassing, do you feel better?) You can see a photo of Jema's childhood chair named "Stripey" on Instagram Stream "Embarrassment in a Relationship" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

The process of recovering from depression began with my self-care. Recovery included medication, exercise, diet changes, and therapy. My husband also supported me during the journey by giving me perspective. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Yaoqi LAI) Relationship Podcast Gems: What brought sunshine into my life to help with my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) was the goLITE. Medication was necessary for me to "put out the fire" and reset my thinking. Self-care became a priority with exercise, time away from the kids, diet, and vitamins. Therapy was the key for me to heal my depression. Jon worked on his codependency while being empathetic and offering perspective. Listen to part one Depression and Marriage: We Tell Our Story and part two What is it Like to Be Depressed? Resources: Find out if you are dealing with depression with this depression self-test. More about the symptoms of depression. How to support a family member or a friend with depression. Get help if you ar

I share with Jon what it felt like for me as I struggled with depression in our relationship, shame, and motherhood. The Baby Blues are what really tipped the scales of depression for me as a young mother. The hormonal influx after delivering my children would send me time and time again into a downward spiral of clinical depression. My moods were off, my thinking was gone, and I didn't want to get out of bed. It was after my third child that I started to have thoughts of ending my life. I was in so much pain in my life, so exhausted, and my brain chemicals were so out of balance that I was no longer thinking realistically. This story has brought a lot of guilt and shame along my journey of motherhood. I am finally at a place where I can share it with you today. What is it Like to Be a Depressed? If you can imagine waking up every day with the pain of a broken arm, that is what the pain of depression felt like. The pain of the broken arm would go away with sleep, but come back the minute I would open my eye

Depression has affected our relationship from the beginning. In this episode we share two viewpoints - how it feels to be the person suffering from depression and how it affects the partner/spouse in the relationship. Depression and Marriage Were Normal My depression became apparent to me after having children and my doctor named this sadness that I had felt since I was young. Depression had become such a normal thing in my life that it didn't feel like something I needed to get help for, until that day in the doctor's office. I was at a point in my life where caring for myself and the family had become unmanageable and I could hardly get out of bed in the morning. She said, "the result of your questionnaire indicates that you are severely depressed. Can you tell me more about this?" Of course, I didn't want to tell her more about it as the shame swelled in my throat. I felt like a bad mom, a bad person, and weak. Something shameful was alive in my life and I had no idea how it got there or how to heal it.

The meaning of gifts in our relationship happens to be very different. No surprises there! After learning more about one another on our last episode of Simplifying Holiday Gift Giving for Couples we dig in deeper to what gifts mean to us individually. I love giving gifts. It is like a puzzle waiting to be put together - taking small clues and building up to one present. A mystery to solve and smiles to be won. It shows someone that you have been thinking of them. That they are loved. It's not a chore for me. And yet, that is my perspective. Isn't it interesting how you put your own perspective on someone else? Jon relates how frustrating it can be to find the perfect gift for me. He says it's like having a professor tell you to write a final paper in college that's worth the entire grade. Except, as the student, you will not be told the topic or how long it will be. If it isn't impressive, you will fail. And not only will you fail, but you will be a bad person! I started to see gift giving from Jon's persp

With the theme of creating a peaceful holiday season, we unravel simplifying gift giving for couples during the holidays and share our history of miscommunication during Christmas. (There may be some miscommunication on the episode, always keeping it real for you.) When we were young, around thirteen, I set my expectations for Jon's gift giving. He bought me flowers (from a flower shop) and stuffed animals, and figurines. He was so romantical! Then, we got married and I fell into the belief that if Jon really loved me he would know what to buy for me (cough). That usually failed miserably. Throw in some kids or maybe four and the gift-giving chaos became too much to handle. It was obvious we needed to set some expectations for our kids and for us around gift giving. We came up with three simple gifts - gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The kids would receive something they wanted, something they could share, and something they needed. It set financial expectations for us, and they knew how many gifts would be

The holidays are a time to gather with our family, friends, and coworkers. There are social gatherings to attend and eggnog to drink. A time of joy and chatter. The holidays can also be a time of anxiety and stress. One of the tools we have found to be helpful during gatherings and in our family life is to become a gentle observer. A gentle observer, according to Maureen Graves, is someone who steps outside of the moment and notes what is happening. The gentle observer does not judge herself or himself, or other people. As we cannot control the behaviors of others, we focus on taking care of ourselves so we can have a loving experience. As Jon notes in the podcast, being a gentle observer is like becoming Ebenezer in A Christmas Carol. He is an onlooker to the past, present, and future. He can not meddle in the what is going on but merely observe from his perspective as a ghost. In this way, you can also become a spectator, you are not pulled into conversations by emotional responses. You can choose to resp

Have you ever been on a weird date? Jon and I discuss weird dates and how they can stretch you out of your comfort zone. We attended the Northwest Regional Air Guitar Championships held in Portland, Oregon where we witnessed the techniques of guitarists who are judged on their costumes, techniques, and other things we have no idea about. This date was challenging for me because I like to nest in the space I am in. I wasn't too excited to head out to an old porn theater to watch people play pretend guitars. Sometimes, watching Netflix is far more comfortable. Yet, I trusted Jon to plan a date which ended up to be the best comedy show we have ever seen! I couldn't stop laughing at the strange costumes - spandex leotards, tighty whities, and tear away pants. We encourage you to take your girl/guy out on a weird date to experience something fun outside of your comfort zone. If you are interested to learn more about air guitar competitions, check out these short clips from our weird date night. (Podcast the

Nagging is the constant harassment to motivate someone to do something, usually in the way you want it done. Being unique individuals in a relationship, we may have different perspectives on the right way to do things. Maybe this sounds familiar to you if you think about some of the popular sitcoms like an oldie, Everybody Loves Raymond. The guy is trying to balance his career with the complexities of having a family. The wife is losing her mind as she tries to create a smooth running household. The conflict arises out of miscommunication and with someone (usually the guy) trying to meet his own needs such as a night with the guys. The wife nags about the chips on the couch. I have been guilty of communicating with Jon my needs in a sideways attempt through statements, especially in the car. "You are driving too close." Early in our relationship, I nagged him to take out the garbage. I remember setting the garbage down in front of the door thinking that would be a good way to communicate my need to him. I

Keeping score in a relationship is also what some couples call keeping points. I can remember keeping score, and I especially liked it when it served my purposes (wink). Jon never really understood the point system, and for a long time was clueless that I was doing such math in my head. The question is, how do you know how much something is worth? Is making coffee early in the morning equal to changing a diaper? Does watching the kids count for as many points if they are napping versus spilling drinks on the carpet while having a popcorn fight? Doesn't a stay-at-home mom or dad automatically get an additional 500 points for dealing with the daily monotony? The demands on our time once we had children intensified the balance of home, college, and work. The point system seemed to be a way for me to have permission to leverage the time I needed for myself. I wasn't in a place where I knew how to communicate my real needs to Jon. I could, however, build a case with some calculations and show him the score.  Usu

After the romantic phase of our relationship ended I wondered, why doesn't he buy me flowers anymore? We chat about how small things like flowers can show one another appreciation, and how some people don't feel the same way about flowers (hint: Jon)! Sometimes we wander through the day feeling like no one appreciates us. As my hands wrinkle from the fourth time of washing dishes in the day without any thanks from the family, I watch the water swirl away and feel like those little bits of food left in the sink drain. When the kids were young it felt like I was a robot trapped in a time loop - make a meal, clean up a meal, change a diaper, and repeat. The young ones were not in a place to say "thank you," and at the time I couldn't communicate with Jon what I was needing - some gratitude. So, it seemed like what I was missing were flowers. Yes, flowers were the answer because I used to receive them and I remember feeling happier. It must be the flowers! As we talk about in this episode, it isn't necessarily

On our first relationship podcast, we introduce ourselves to you, our new community! Our recording studio for our podcast is in the back of our RV as we travel the United States. We have been traveling since January of 2011 with our four kids. We have been to all of the 48 contiguous states, not quite the continental United States because Alaska is still on our list! (When you hear me say continental on the podcast, replace it in your mind with contiguous, thanks.) Jon and I met at the age of eleven, dated, married, and started having our family. About eleven years into our marriage it was failing. We decided to seek out help and worked at healing our own wounds as we worked towards healing the wounds in our marriage. After two years of intense therapy, we needed to spend some time working on what we had learned. We sold our house, our belongings, and piled in the RV for life on the road. When we were struggling in our marriage it seemed like we were alone. Other couples were not talking about the difficult