Pauly Shore's Random Rants

Sara Patti is the number-one fan of Random Rants. She emails me often at paulyrants@gmail.com. Love you, Patti Melt.

Loved him even though I never met him. Thank you for being you, Barry. See ya in Hawaii where we'll smoke some ganja, doood. Michelle. Whaddup, gurrrl?!

I wanna party with dudes who were wrongfully accused for crimes they didn't commit. I want to get them wasted and laid, dude. Yet another year I won't be going to the Golden Globes. Not cool, brozzz!

Orange baboon! What's up, bro? Have you banged any interns yet on the same desk that Bill banged Monica or what? Talk to me. C'mon, bro. You're lagging.

Let's all give a round of applause for my dad Sammy Shore! He's gonna outlive us all. Getting ready for his 90th birthday. God bless him.

So long, suckazz! Dude, why is your pee-pee so small? I love looking at naked Asian men, brozz!

Had such an awesome time with Allie Boo Boo and her family. Thank you for taking me in and showing me love. Son in Law 2016!!!

I'm living large, brozz! I Love fluffy hotel rooms on the road. Life was easier back in the day before our brains were all mush. Not cool, doodz!

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, coming to Gilbert, AZ. OJ was great on the Bills.

Obsessed with MSN Lock Up. Definitely makes me feel better about my living situation. If two dudes can live in harmony in a 5x7 ft jail cell, I can live in my four-plex just fine. I'm tired. Goodnight.

Thank you so much for letting me bite into your big apple. Love the city! NYC is my second home.

There's fakes and posers, people who are not transparent. But his one's the real deal.

Yeah, dawg! Let's do this. I got back my mojo and I'm looking for a dojo... brooo!

Mmmmmm, I like what I see. The past is quite bright.

Where's my swamp people at?! Love the tertiary markets. (That means third-tier, bro.) The towns in between the small towns. Carnies with moles on their necks. Love these peeps.

I've been doing this for over 25 years, you guys. And guess what, I'm still trying to figure it out. Stand up is very fragile.

I'm in my happy place. Super fuzzies, you guyz. All I need is some cocoa. Yum yum, brooz.

Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!

I'm just the average Joe, traveling town-to-town, peddling my comedic goods. I can't believe the red baboon's our president. That's DEFINITELY not cool. God help us all!

Bye, you guyz. It was nice knowing you. I'm moving to Canada. Maple syrup, brozz!