Beyond The Beaded Curtain

This week we go deep into that sexiest of all professions: pizza delivery! Journey back to the year 1978, when pizza was still a novelty food struggling to maintain a toehold in a crowded fast-food landscape.  We also begin tackling the complicated legacy of one of porn's first mega-stars, John C. Holmes.  Holmes led a troubling life offscreen, and it would be wrong of us not to bring that up while discussing his movies. Should also bring up that this movie does discuss rape, though luckily for us, the violence always happens off screen.  Cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0127113/ Full film: https://xhamster.com/videos/hot-and-saucy-pizza-girls-1978-8774161    

Many years before All About Steve was a forgettable romcom starring Sandra Bullock, All About Steve was a real dick-slappy gay porno flick loosely based on All About Eve. I know, right? Two movies with the same name! So confusing for all us fans of (hold on checking IMDB to read up on the Bullock / Cooper vehicle) eccentric crossword puzzlers. Anyways! This one is pretty much nonstop sex with the worst soundtrack in the history of cinema. In hindsight, we probably should have talked more about how awful the music is. You’re definitely going to want to watch this movie with the volume all the way down. Oh and maybe turn the picture all the way down too. We didn’t love it. But hey! This podcast is devoted to the breadth (and girth!) of our adult cinema landscape. Which means this week? We talk just a lot about dicks. Cast: http://www.iafd.com/title.rme/title=all+about+steve/year=1994/all-about-steve.htm Full movie: https://tubepornclassic.com/videos/2131/all-about-steve/?promo=10306

This movie is basically girls who are boys who like boys to be girls who do boys like they're girls who do girls like they're boys. Got it? We almost got it, I think. It’s the story of a couple of sexy shapeshifters whose lives are complicated by an adventurous swinger who wants in on the action.   Last week we watched a movie that knew it was dumb and embraced it. This time, we’re watching a movie that thinks it’s brilliant. But is it? Well, it might have outsmarted us! As you’ll hear, we never quite agreed on what’s going on, but we mostly liked it. Cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0134527/ Full movie: https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5a7a32d51f150

We’re giving ourselves a break this week and watching our first softcore movie since episode 4. And yes, it’s another movie from one of our favorite maniacs, Jim Wynorski. This movie doesn’t take place in our favorite house (check out episode 4 for more on that!) but it does seem to include one of Wynorski’s go-to actors as head of LA’s elite Busty Cops division, so we’re going to say this one is part of the breastiverse.   Busty Cops is gleefully dumb and never pretends that it’s anything other than dumb, and that’s refreshing. It’s also a seventy-minute movie that’s padded out with fifteen minutes of slow credits, troubling bloopers, and an interview that allows star Nikki Nova to further stretch her comedy chops. We pretty much liked it but we are deeply damaged people and our opinions should not be trusted. Oh hey look! Sequels! BRB watching all the sequels! Cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0366269/ Full movie: https://www.pornhu

Content warning: this episode is just a disaster. The titular Peaches is sexually assaulted, and also there’s this clown bathroom scene that’s the worst thing we’ve ever seen. Candy Stripers and Pretty Peaches back to back is a real testament to the diversity of vintage porn because these movies happened in the same year, and while they’re both terrible, they’re terrible in very different ways. But hey! At least there’s no blood. That’s our mantra for this movie, and our way of saying, hey. It could’ve, in theory, been worse. Somehow, this film was inducted into the X-Rated Critics Hall of Fame in 1990, and several of its performers are hall of famers, too. So what do we know, anyway? Cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078112/ Full movie: https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph581f83f96ac82

Look: we took a week off. Your intrepid hosts were scattered across the globe even farther than usual so we hope you didn’t miss us too much! And if you did miss us? Well. We hope you took the time to listen to some of our old episodes or write us a review on iTunes. Anyway, Candy Stripers. It’s Sharon’s last day volunteering at the hospital. And that means she and the other candy stripers, nurses, doctors, patients, and visitors are going to get even wilder than usual. Yes, it’s all leading to Sharon’s celebratory orgy. Something something something, too bad you’re stuck with that HMO! [Randy: fix this joke before you publish this episode, ok?] Oh and your hosts spend a long time discussing a sex act that features prominently for the first time in our series. Exciting! Cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077293/ Full movie: https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph58fc0e6abca6b

Outlaw Ladies is a highbrow (well, highbrow for porn) flick that follows several outlaw ladies through intertwined stories. That’s right, folks! It’s Pulp Fiction, but a porn! Sorry--that’s definitely overselling it. It’s not a terrible movie. And it has a fantastic title song! We’re probably a little harsh on it, in part because someone (Ahem. Doc.) showed up two hours late to the recording and put the rest of us in a bit of a sour mood. That’s right, folks! He started watching the movie precisely at the time the rest of us sat down to talk about it. And we won’t let him forget. No letters this week. So uh, send us some letters? Cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082870/ Full movie: https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph58aa41abc6992

This week we’re digging into a true classic! A moody, atmospheric film from porn’s golden age. Georgina Spelvin stars as the titular Miss Jones--a lonely woman who feels she has nothing to live for. But all this changes when she’s given the chance to reinvent herself and live focused exclusively on her lusts. But is there a catch? Spoiler alert: there’s totally a catch. Plus, our first-ever letters! Only took us nine episodes to get someone to say hello! Yes: we are trying to guilt you into hitting us up on twitter (dirtyvhs) and writing us a review on itunes! So? Is it working? Cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069969/ Full movie: https://xhamster.com/videos/the-devil-in-miss-jones-1-1972-with-georgina-spelvin-6110531

This was a tough one, gang! We wanted a beach movie, and we got one. But the monkey’s paw guaranteed that our beach movie would leave us unsatisfied, and that we’d have to edit around a number of interruptions while recording. But as a bonus (or a further insult?) we start with a clip from Randy’s days as a National Porno Radio correspondent. Anyway: watch out for mysterious suntan lotions and be careful if anyone asks to bury you in quarry gravel. We promise this will make sense!  Cast and Crew: (Not entirely correct. Oh well!) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0128657/ Full movie: https://xhamster.com/videos/barbara-dares-surf-sand-and-sex-1839967

Episode 7: Boys in the Sand (1971)   Two milestones this week! This is our oldest movie, and even more important, it’s our first gay movie! Just in time for Pride--and Fathers Day too, I guess?--we’re branching out and talking about a gay porno classic. And spoiler alert: we liked it! Or at least, we liked it as much as we liked any of these movies. This is another beach romp, of sorts, but not nearly as zany.   Cast: http://www.iafd.com/title.rme/title=boys+in+the+sand/year=1971/boys-in-the-sand.htm   Full Movie, with director’s commentary: https://xhamster.com/videos/boys-in-the-sand-1790666?pb=

Look: we didn’t really know what we were getting ourselves into. We just found ourselves in the mood for a zany beach romp, and ended up with this low-rent James Bond knockoff featuring Brook Bond, Agent DD7. (Get it? The DD is for boobs. The 7 is for James Bond, probably?) Bond is sent to the Bahamas to thwart Mr. Big. Mr. Big plans to send his hench-ladies to seduce various world leaders. Bond’s plan? Seduce all the ladies first, we think? Or something? You will not find this episode in anyone’s hall of fame. Cast and Crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0128750/ Full Movie: https://tubepornclassic.com/videos/21914/thunder-boobs/

Starship Eros is probably going to get erased from the internet once the folks at Disney notice how much the sex robot Quasar resembles a certain protocol droid, but until then, enjoy! In the distant future--1995!--Commander Moon splits her time between tracking Amazoid fighter ships and masturbating in chairs. Look: it’s a high-stress job, and she needs to unwind. Starship Eros hasn’t received any significant critical acclaim--we just chose it because we’re here for any and every bit of space porn we can find. Got a favorite? Tweet @dirtyvhs and we’ll check it out! Cast and Crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0149126/ Full movie: https://xhamster.com/videos/starship-eros-1980-restored-7721545

Welcome to the Breastiverse! Legendary bad-movie director Jim Wynorski has filmed at least a half-dozen softcore flicks all in the same cabin somewhere in the woods of California. We’re trying to figure out where the cabin is--maybe it’s on AirBNB? Until then, we’re enjoying Wynorski recycle the same locations, the same actors, and pretty much the same stories film after film.   Unfortunately, our first two episodes about Wynorski’s terrible, terrible movies have been lost. The cause? Well, the government would have you believe it was a simple case of rookie recording mistakes. We’re pretty sure it was a curse. We’ll let you decide for yourself.   But, BtBC super-fans (or Pozzies, as we like to call you) may want to investigate a couple of other terrible Wynorski late-night cable classics: The Witches of Breastwick and Lust Connection. Both intersect with The Breastford Wives in ways that make the experience more interesting. Not exactly “good” but mo

So, after World War 3, the planet became radioactive, and almost everyone died. It gets worse: most of the survivors are “sex-negatives” who can’t even get to first base without becoming violently ill. The poor neggies spend their nights at Café Flesh, where sex-positives perform elaborate, theatrical sex-shows on stage. This probably only sounds half as weird as it looks. Café Flesh certainly has lofty aspirations. But is it worth a watch? Yeah, kinda, if you don’t mind that it’s not particularly, like, sexy? Café Flesh is in both the AVN 101 list and the XRCO Hall of Fame. Cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083707/?ref_=ttls_li_tt But you know you’d rather just watch it, right? It’s ok. You can admit it. We don’t judge. https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5996ff75aa782

Wow. This is a tough one. Less a porn and more a bleak tale of abuse and addiction told through sex-scenes, Her Name Was Lisa is proof that pre-internet porn is wild, but pre-VHS porn is another thing entirely. Great performances by Samantha Fox and Vanessa del Rio—and a number of choice blazers—help this movie go down more smoothly despite the film's dark tone. Lisa's rape in the middle of the film isn't even the darkest part—her spiral into drug addiction after is what really got us.  Her Name Was Lisa is on both the AVN's list of 101 classics as well as the X-Rated Critics Organization Hall of Fame. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_members_of_the_XRCO_Hall_of_Fame  Full cast and crew: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079290/?ref_=ttls_li_tt  Or watch the movie yourself: https://xhamster.com/videos/her-name-was-lisa-1979-7023357

Episode 1: Farmer's Daughters 1986 What do you do when your farm isn't making enough money to pay off your mortgage? A chance encounter with a traveling porn-salesman proves inspirational to down-on-his-luck farmer Sam Miller. Soon Sam is able to to pay back the bank, and all it takes is filming his daughters having sex. This is our first episode! So please be kind. And, it's probably our last episode with Ron Jeremy! "But isn't he in basically every adult film from the 80s and 90s? How could you possibly avoid him?" Good question! https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/inside-ron-jeremy-sexual-misconduct-allegations-w511844 After recording this episode, we learned that RJ has a real-life history of acting like the grope-happy lechers he tends to play on screen. And besides that? We just don't like him that much.  Or this movie, for that matter. Farmer's Daughters is on the AVN's "101 Greatest Adult Tapes of All Time List." And it's the first episode that we ever recorded. Arguably an even highe