Simply Abundant Intuitive

Every time you say, “My husband is a narcissist and I’m stuck here,” or “I’m never going to make more than $X because I have always earned a low salary,” you are telling yourself a story. You probably don’t even realize how many stories go through your head at any given time because they run on autopilot, based on judgments you have made. But guess what? You created them, so you also have the power to change them. Let’s say you believe your sister is always angry with you, no matter what you do. When she hosts family gatherings at her house instead of yours it’s because you’ve done something to piss her off. You think she doesn’t care about your family, so you are always on the defense when she calls. Even when she’s nice, you look for evidence to support the story she’s always angry with you. Assuming the ending to a situation that hasn’t unfolded yet is how you keep your life limited. Instead, pay attention to your thoughts and judgments about yourself and others. Question them. What if they weren’t true?

Are you insecure about your parenting—wondering if you’re doing a not so great job? If you grew up insecurely attached without a lot of self-love, you probably fear that you will unwittingly insert your old patterns and beliefs into your kids. And no matter how hard you try, you see your kids exhibit avoidant behaviors like hiding, people-pleasing or not taking responsibility for their actions. You feel guilty, so instead of allowing them to screw up and suffer the consequences, you protect them by giving them a “get out of jail free card,” money, cleaning up after them, doing their homework, etc. You do not want them to suffer disappointment or anything negative. On top of it, you people-please your own kids for fear they won’t love you. Rescuing your children from life experiences doesn’t help them. It’s actually a disservice because dealing with disappointment builds emotional resiliency, which is key to happiness and wellbeing. When you try to make it easy for them as children, you make it harder for the

Do you avoid negative emotions like the plague? Maybe you only believe in being positive, so when negativity sneaks up, you don’t want to deal with it. You shove it down, but eventually hit the tipping point where fear, depression, and anxiety pop up. Feeling totally out of control, you’re desperate to get back to feeling ok again, except you really weren’t ok to begin with—you were in a numb bubble. Perhaps you tell people you’re happily single and have no desire for a relationship. You go to work, come home and have a set routine. You feel a false sense of peace and happiness because everything is under your control, but it’s an illusion. Suddenly you lose your job or meet someone you hadn’t planned on and your world is upended. When you are used to your cozy numb bubble, actual feelings can be overwhelming. But staying in the bubble is small and limited, not allowing you to live in a meaningful way. To truly experience all that life has to offer you have to step into your fear and FEEL your negative emoti

When it comes to partners, do you pick ones who are generally happy or generally miserable? Do they walk around with a dark cloud overhead, complaining all the time, or do they smile when doing small tasks like folding the laundry? The people you are drawn to reflect your own state of happiness. And no, happy doesn’t mean jumping up and down 24/7 or those crazy, intense feelings. It means being peaceful, connected to yourself, satisfied, fulfilled, etc. So if you’re tired of draining relationships full of struggle and want to catch yourself a happy fish, it’s time to up the ante on your own happiness. Happiness starts with being in control of your own emotional state, rather than relying on others to take care of it for you. That’s what lifts the heaviness and allows you to have a light and happy life even when things are dark or challenging. You trust things will be ok because deep inside YOU are ok. Then it’s about sharing your dreams and happiness with your partner rather than focusing on problems. You do

Did things affect you deeply as a kid, feeling overly sensitive to everything around you? I used to feel my doll’s pain, my stuffed animals’ pain, and even a caterpillar’s pain! Maybe your heart ached when someone got yelled at (or when you were yelled at). Whatever it was, people around you probably told you to get over it. Then, you started to shut down those feelings and disown them because you felt shame. You created a hard shell to protect yourself from your own sensitivity so it wouldn’t show to others, which snowballed into other avoidant behaviors. Swallowing your feelings was a way of receiving validation that you weren’t an overreacting crazy person. It was how you avoided rejection. When you equate sensitivity with pain and potential loss, you will work really hard to cover up your feelings and hide who you are. You may play the role of the funny people-pleaser, always looking for validation that you’re ok. Or maybe you create your own fantasy world to live in which is safe, but deeply lonely. How

You have spent your life doing for others, worried that if you don’t put them first, they’ll leave… or at the very least they’ll be mad at you. It’s exhausting, however, so you want to start prioritizing yourself and your growth. You know you’ll feel better, shed the resentment and have more energy, but what if the people in your life think you don’t need them anymore? What if they think you’re being selfish? It is NOT selfish to want to feel good. You are actually doing the world a favor by taking care of yourself because a happier you means a more pleasant person for others to be around. When you focus on how you feel, what lights you up and what you want, everyone benefits. How different would it feel to make decisions based on what you want rather than what someone else wants? How much lighter and energized would you feel? If you wait for permission to say no to someone else so you can say yes to yourself, you’ll be waiting forever. Stop believing people will leave in droves if you “selfishly” take care

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment”, I talk with Josh Spencer, paraplegic of 23 years and owner of the Last Bookstore in Los Angeles. Listen in as he takes us through his darkest moment that he experienced at the young age of 21 when he was in a horrific moped accident that resulted in him being paralyzed. After a series of additional losses and being diagnosed with depression, he started to become more ambitious and was able to move forward by creating the world-famous bookstore, the Last Bookstore. Learn about the Last Bookstore at: http://lastbookstorela.com/ and facebook.com/lastbookstore. Follow the Last Bookstore @lastbookstorela.

You finally called it quits with your partner who always told you what to do and when to do it. You complained about how he/she controlled you or manipulated you, so ending the relationship felt like a huge relief. But not long after that one ended, you walked straight into another one, leaving you to wonder why everyone is such a controlling a-hole. Where are all the “normal” people? Ending a relationship because you think the other person is the problem is not the path to a healthy relationship. Until you look at how you showed up and how you helped create the situation, you’ll keep repeating the same old patterns that landed you in these controlling relationships. If you keep convincing yourself it’s about them, you’re robbing yourself of the chance at a healthy relationship. You are the only one who can change the dynamic. Get to the root of why you choose controlling partners (hint: it speaks to what you believe you deserve), then make choices toward valuing yourself and filling your own void. Once you

Do you have an image in your head of who you are supposed to be? And does that image contradict who you actually are? These images often stem from a need for love and respect, thinking the only way to have either is by being what other people want. This can lead to contortionism where you bend yourself to fit a particular picture, or walking on eggshells so people won’t see the real you. Maybe you go to med school because that is the expectation in your family. In relationships, it can manifest as working extra hard to be the nurturer or provider or anything else that goes against your true nature. But what if it didn’t have to be so hard? What if you were loved and accepted without the costume? When you let go of the idea of who you’re supposed to be, it allows the space to become who you are. Yes, it is REALLY scary to chip away at the façade you’ve grown accustomed to. What if you end up broke or alone? Is it worth the risk? Uncovering who you are beneath all those layers of conditioning leads to a freer,

You don’t trust your partner. He/she is lying and cheating… or you’re afraid they are. Maybe you have an ex who cheated on you so you are hyper-aware of certain behavior. Like if you see your partner acting flirty with someone, which sends you into that crazy, anxious paranoid mode. This reaction, however, is more a reflection of your negative beliefs and how you don’t trust YOURSELF. You don’t trust that you would be able to handle the disappointment of the relationship ending. What if you never recover? What if you just attract another cheater? Staying in a relationship like this allows you to play the victim while assigning your partner to the role of perpetrator (can you say drama triangle?). You get to blame him/her while taking no responsibility for why you stay… and you may be doing this without realizing it. Being a victim feels strangely secure, but it’s a prison that you choose to be in. If you remain, pain and anxiety will be constant companions. To break the chains of disrespect, distrust, and la

Do you believe happiness exists outside of you? That once your partner FINALLY gets a clue, or you lose 10 pounds, or you get that promotion, or you buy that house, you’ll be happy? You think if you work hard at achieving your goals, you’ll be rewarded with happiness. Sure, you may get to where you’re going, but does that mean happiness will follow? Nope. Happiness is not a butterfly. It’s the caterpillar, the cocoon and the chrysalis; it’s the whole transformative journey. If you feel like happiness is elusive, you’re probably chasing a butterfly. It doesn’t come from trying really hard or projecting a certain image or acting as-if; it comes from letting go and being present. You can spend years doing things that are “supposed” to be fun without ever experiencing it. I look back with regret on girls’ trips and relationships that I wasn’t truly present for. I thought they would be game-changers when it came to finding happiness, but they never were. Now I have learned to slow down and open up instead of rush

Your relationship isn’t going well. Perhaps your partner is verbally or emotionally abusive, threatening to leave or causing you harm. But there are good sides to him/her too, which you don’t want to discount, so you focus on that and make excuses for their bad behavior to yourself and others. Or you complain about your relationship to your friends, but act as if nothing is wrong when with your partner. You know you should leave, and part of you wants to, but deep down you believe this is all you deserve. Your bar for acceptable behavior is frighteningly low. When you don’t value yourself or your emotional well-being, you teach others it’s ok to treat you poorly. And this doesn’t just apply to women. In fact, in this episode, I share a story about a male client whose wife throws things at his head and constantly belittles him. When he does threaten to leave, she does something nice to keep him hanging around. Staying in a relationship like this and “hoping” it will get better is to your own detriment. What a

Most of us act like a jerk at times—that’s just life. Some work really hard to prove they are not a jerk by overcompensating while others double-down on their behavior and defensively say, “I don’t care what people think!” Both are avoidant, fearful reactions based on how others perceive you. When you truly accept who you are (the good and the bad), how people label you does not drive your behavior or affect how you view yourself. And very often who the “jerk” is in a given situation depends on who you ask. Let’s say you recently ended a relationship where your ex was cheating on you. Clearly, he/she is the jerk, right? But then you hear this person is telling others that YOU are the asshole, always talking about yourself and wanting him/her to change. You’re appalled that people feel sorry for your estranged mate who is clearly the bad guy in this scenario. Focusing on how people perceive you or your ex is a great distraction from your own feelings. It also allows you to avoid taking responsibility for your

You’ve done some work on yourself and have achieved a certain level of self-awareness, yet your relationship status doesn’t reflect that. Each time you dip your toe back into dating to see if things have changed, you say, “Yep, just as unsuccessful as before!” Then you go back into your cocoon hoping the next time you emerge you’ll find that perfect person. Unfortunately, personal growth isn’t suddenly rewarded by the universe. No one pats you on the back and says, “Good work, you deserve a relationship now!” You actually have to put your learnings about yourself into practice. And to do that you need to throw away your old checklist and open yourself up to different experiences, which is emotionally risky and uncomfortable. You have to stop playing games, hiding out, being mysterious and all the other avoidant behaviors that haven’t worked. The reason you keep attracting jerks is that you’re not DOING things differently. If you say you want a relationship, you actually have to get in the ring and practice b

Ever notice how quick you are to say, “I don’t like X” or “I can’t stand it when people…”? Whether the subject is food or a person’s behavior or how something looks, you probably respond negatively on autopilot. This can be as simple as calling someone an a-hole for cutting you off on the freeway or as damaging as dismissing someone outright because you disagree with something they believe. Hate begets hate so the more you try to banish those unsavory people or situations from your life, the more they crop up. A hater mentality also allows you to remain in your comfort zone, avoiding what you fear. It leaves you disconnected from yourself because all of your focus is on what you don’t like or disapprove of. It robs you of your own wellbeing. Instead, what if you were to be curious about what you don’t like and why? What if you put proverbial duct tape over your mouth whenever you felt like vocalizing your dislike for someone or something? When you acknowledge you can’t control what is outside of you, you are

This podcast was inspired by an email from a listener. After getting out of a toxic relationship, she noticed her knee-jerk reaction of throwing up emotional walls when someone expressed interest in her. As someone who wants a healthy, committed relationship, she knows she needs to work through her fear, dismantle those walls and let people in… but how? Walls go up when your head takes control and runs amok with fear-based stories. For me, this happened when comparing my dates to someone I was still hooked on, or to an on-again-off-again relationship. Basically, I compared them to what was familiar: my unhealthy insecurely attached relationships. My walls also went up when someone appeared too available because I would look into the future and imagine being stuck in a relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted. When toxic relationships are what you know, healthy ones feel foreign. Fear leads every step you take, making it almost impossible to let someone in. Breaking down those walls comes from surrendering to you

If you stopped for a moment and asked yourself about the unrest you feel about a mistake. What would you hear in your head? Could it be something like: "I cannot and will not take the responsibility for having made a mistake, misjudged someone, upset someone or anything else which could make me in trouble with myself." Add to that in trouble with anyone ever. The thought of responsibility feels like a loss of control, as though you are nothing. Now, this is a "feeling" not necessarily reality. But when I look back at the feeling, it could feel like a black hole I was falling into. Something else I would obsess about in terms of "mistakes" is in a situation when I used to think someone else "thinks I did something wrong," because I always tried to do the right thing. It is something that haunted me from childhood forward. I would ruminate for hours about how I should have done it differently so as to avoid trouble. But to say I did something out loud, as though I am responsible? No way. If you find yourself

When insecurely attached to someone, you probably react to them in one of three ways (depending on your mood or day of the week): wanting to run away screaming, clinging like a piece of moss or numbing yourself so you don’t feel much of anything. This back-and-forth can make you feel crazy and out of control, like you are trying to cut an invisible cord between you and the other person. But you can’t cut it and you are stuck in struggle. Perhaps your partner says he/she will commit, but never does, so you keep looking externally for answers. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and just perpetuates the struggle. Instead of fighting the anxiety and frustration of your current situation, stop. Struggle is a choice, so give yourself permission to be right where you are. You can continue going in circles or you can surrender to where you are right now and accept all of your feelings around it. It’s ok to feel stuck, it’s ok to feel frustrated, it’s ok to feel crazy. Allow all of it, then be curious about what you ca

You may walk around with the fear of being called out or criticized. You want to be seen how you think you are, it's a lot of work to try and control what you cannot. It's as though you are constantly playing Monopoly, making it a mission to buy all the properties and negotiate for what you need. So tiring when your life is this way too. Self-protective and self-absorbed--I need to take care of me, me, me through working on my image, so I cannot be faulted. Ugh. Self-absorption—everything outside of me is about me—its how I define myself. I assume and I personalize, so that I am above anyone thinking I have done wrong. I need to stay one step ahead. Even if this seems unfamiliar to you, as in you do not see yourself operating this way (but maybe you see it a teeny bit--that's okay--listen in), do you know anyone like this? You cannot handle for anyone to think poorly of you. This is what it looks like when you are looking for others to help you to feel whole, because you do not feel that way just being you.

Most insecurely attached people have an identity crisis going on that either they are aware of or completely checked out of. Many identify as introverts that are avoidants or anxious avoidants, but really they are isolationists. The clock says 5 and they are looking for the sanctity of their home. Sometimes being the isolationist lets them come out and play for a bit in a group—but do not get too close and do not bring them drama, they will run once again. On the other side of the coin are the more extraverted insecurely attached peeps—the ones who cannot be alone and go from relationship to relationship. Being around others keeps them from dealing with what is going on inside…yes, they avoid too, but their outer actions to do it look different than those who lone wolf it. Both are emotional isolationists. Both are two sides of the same coin. Where one may run for cover from a group the other will make the group their thing. Both need validation, but have different ways of gaining it. One needs it covertly a