Abject Suffering

This game isn't bad, but it's really not for us. You play as a monster who wants to grow his garden, which means going into little pocket dimensions to make friends to bring back home. This turns into a message game about how to be a better friend to yourself... but it's all very basic, and the writing clangs on our taste. So instead, we talk about some strange encounters Gary recently had in Portland.

We've only made this mistake once before, but there was a calendar whoopsie. So while we primarily talk about Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, we also get a little bit of Princess Tomato and the Salad Kingdom. A minor misunderstanding gives way to discussions of frightening produce and the ravages of age.

Kole may not be able to convince Gary that Homestar Runner is funny, but at least we can both agree that the porn game that's also named Peasant's Quest is gross as heck.

We got burned by a name again. But can you blame us? "Eyeballs are your ENEMIES!" is a really tempting name for an Abject Suffering game. So we took the bait, realized we don't really have any eyeball digressions, and flounder for a while. Damn you, asset flip games!

A clown, his horrible stick, and a very normal woman end the world and have to try to un-end it. But we mostly end up talking about sex toys and weird Captain Planet villain eggs.

Throw another entry onto our list of games about snacks. But Pringles: The Game isn't an official product... it's a Sega Genesis ROM created by a hobbyist in the 21st century. This is a labor of love, made only out of enthusiasm for those pressed salty shavings.

An episode where, admittedly, neither of us can remember a specific aspect of the Heroes of Might and Magic universe... but it doesn't matter, because this is actually just King's Bounty! So you can't trick us with your lies.

This is actually a good game, but we couldn't pass up the opportunity to talk about Forbidden Cubes. If you're familiar with this, it's probably because of a demo disk that came with your PlayStation, or from buying the PlayStation Classic mini-console. Its austere, frankly creepy presentation wraps up a satisfying puzzle game that gives us plenty of geometry-based digression material.

This week we talk about an experimental indie adventure game that seems fine, we just weren't in the mood for it at the time. So we talk about proper marshmallows, letting 'er rip, and pepper spray.

Troma decided to take the disgusting and disturbing Toxic Avenger series and adapt it... for kids! What we got was a one season animated show that was a weak stab at Captain Planet, but at least it resulted in some neat toys. Oh, and some very bad video games.

This week has us looking at a fun little indie game about a young girl trying to use her dolls to figure out how people have sex. It's a very small project, made over three days for a game jam, but it's a fun springboard into a few conversations about sex and insecurity.

The good news is that this episode doesn't get as gross as you'd expect. This is a modern-ish remake of a storied German franchise where you start and run an pay toilet empire. Which isn't a terrible idea, even if the execution stinks.

Remember when conspiracy theories were fun? It feels like a long time ago. It's also strange to look back at old video game controversies and realize how quaint they are. Case in point, 2004's "JFK Reloaded" caused an outcry because of its subject matter. Is it tasteless to recreate the assassination of a beloved U.S. president? We personally don't think so, and you can listen to hear us make our case.

There was no reason for them to digitize this simple dice game, but they did it anyway, and gave it one crackerjack title. We talk about road trip memories, rural fair competitions, and generally vibe about how great and horrifying pigs can be.

Do you have fond memories of this? Sorry! It's pretty bad! We talk about the misguided gimmick (a cartridge with a solar light sensor) that looms large over a stealth RPG that was already pretty bad. Games will need to get up much earlier in the morning if they want to make us go outside.

Knuckles' Chaotix is the only game that could possibly embody the sheer awkwardness of the Sega 32X. It stars Knuckles and his shitty friends as they attempt to stop Dr. Robotnik from doing something I guess. The problem is, Knuckles is bound to his co-op partner by a stretchy energy band, which makes doing "Sonic" stuff impossible. But they still expect you to do Sonic stuff.

A divine agent has gone rogue, taking the sacred texts with him and throwing the whole world into chaos. It's up to you to find him and stop the crisis in the most mind-numbing way possible. Also, we talk about that time a car crashed into Gary's house at 3am.

Dried fruit almost had a home in the NES in this mediocre platformer published by Capcom. The problem is, the popular California Raisins commercials, where sentient fruit performed Motown classics, cost more to produce than they generated in sales. So the California Raisins went away, and this game didn't see the light of day until recently.

And the award for "most obscure Lovecraft game adaptation" goes to... This thing. It's actually not that bad, though! While this is our first Hidden Object game, the genre was extremely popular with casual gamers for a while. And this seems like a good one, eschewing most of the pixel hunting for a basic point-and-click adventure setup. We honestly thought this would be worse.

Back around the turn of the millennium, before social media forever changed what the word "celebrity" meant, "Celebrity Death Match" was a staple of the late night MTV lineup. It was an exceedingly violent claymation show where different celebrities wrestled to the death, often with "jokes" that mostly just made fun of women. They made a game out of this, and we made an episode out that game, which turns out to be the Super Smash Bros. of gathering as many sexual predators into one game as possible.