Abject Suffering

It's a Darkman's party, who could ask for more?

Kweh.

Robopond hungers. Robopond tires of the tubes making a mockery of his efforts. Robopond will make waves. Robopond will devour all. Robopond is hate.

There's only two ways this can go.

Two universal rules: Every dad will talk about Platoon, and never make eye contact with Kremlo.

Sometimes we get static over how little we talk about video games on this show. We fix that this week. We found a game so bad that it broke the show: Bubsy 3D.

It's all we ever wanted to do: to talk about The Simpsons on a show. But it shouldn't have been like this. Not like this. These aren't the aliens we were told to expect.

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Something written for information should be to the point and not too cute. This is an episode of the Abject Suffering program about the NES game Kick Master.

"Circus Charlie" isn't the preferred nomenclature anymore, dude.

So little in this life can be regained once it is lost. Hair that is cut off grows back. Sometimes Deborah will realize she's wrong and leave Reginald, returning to your waiting arms. If you cough up any baseball-sized shanks of sea shell throat meat, you must do your best to return it to its proper place. For Christ sake.

"Let's roll with it." "Throw it in." "Fuck it." These are words that cowards are afraid to say. We here at Abject Suffering are far from cowards. No, we don't just admit our mistakes, we lean INTO them.

For Sale: Single Chalice, gold. Wands, scepters, gems and scimitars optional, will talk. No negotiation, cash only. I'm on to your games. I've been down this road before. Bow before the zodiac puzzlemaster.

TV Land, 2:00 A.M. - The Addam's Family, "Not Without My Kitty." Uncle Fester has a breakthrough and attaches a functioning second dick to himself. Meanwhile, Gomez disrobes and devours Morticia's elbow skin.

Hey everyone, remember Doug? The nineties, am I right? Oh man, life is a grim chore.

Listeners essentially listen to a podcast, and audio program released over the internet, about an ostensibly bad but actually good video game for the Gameboy called Fish Dude. Long story short, and stated as simply as possible, this is a wonderful compliment to video games the world round.

BREAKING NEWS: Babe Ruth sinks a fly ball right into the cerebral cortex of Joseph Goebbels in this alternate universe where balls are the new phallic symbol.

Gather 'round and hear a tale of how two guys can't decide why they don't like anime.

Cat*fish [kat-fish]: noun. 1. any of various fishes having a fancied resemblance to a cat. verb (used without object), verb (used with object) 2. Slang. to deceive, swindle, etc. by assuming a false identity or personality online: "He fell in love with her online before he realized he'd been catfished." 3. Slang. to advertise that your game has sweet wizards and skeletons and then have the game not deliver on that promise. "He fell in love with the box to Hydlide before he realized that the game inside was Hydlide."

GENERAL MILLS MEMORANDUM: All Staff. For several fiscal reporting periods, we've all felt the systemic pressure on the Chex brand that arises due to the close relationship between the corn-square vertical and the dairy vertical. If you will open the nearest box of Chex, you will see the results of our new corporate initiative to demonize milk and the phlegm it causes. And you'll also get 50 free hours of America Online.