Shut Up A Second

In which our heroes put batteries in their EVPs, holster their dowsing rods and become drenched in ectoplasm as they discuss ghosts. The team spook themselves as they share their own haunting tales of survival while items in the studio start flying around on their own accord. Joel firmly denies the existence of otherworldly presences, Jackson recounts his encounter with The Ninks Road Ghost Horse and Marley just wants clarification she’s not seeing things. So join the gang as they play with a ouija board and try to make contact with the other side. It’s a mind opening experience of 3D ghosts, spewing spiritualists and shadow birds. You may be lucky enough to be a Witch Survivor too, no promises though. Want to help Sanspants Paranormal Investigators get off the ground? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the high rates of sentient bath slime ravaging your hometown. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 da

In which our heroes climb to the top of the wardrobe in search of Lincoln’s headwear of choice, and snap the brims of their baseball caps while we chat about hats. We examine the use of buckets as headgear when working outdoors, which animal would make the best multipurpose hat, and whether or not snapping turtles and cacti are the same thing. Jackson wants to know the real reasons hats were invented, Zoe floats the idea of having a ‘board boy’ on retainer and Tessa just wants revenge on Hitler for ruining Charlie Chaplin’s facial hair. So join the gang as they put on their best bonnets, knit themselves new beanies and battle to create the best updated top hat. It’s going to be a hat-astrophe and we are sorry for that pun. Want to help Zoe create her microwave top hat? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our milliner fees. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.co

In which our heroes protect their soft shells, carefully scuttle barefoot across the sand, wave our pincers in the air like we just don’t care and discuss crabs. We look into job opportunities available outside of the ocean, the feasibility of crab-type Pokemon in reality and how a crab’s mouth may be a portal to Hell. Jackson imagines what a crab lifestyle would be like in terms of medical care upon sprouting a shell, Tessa relives her childhood trauma of being mauled by a cranky crustacean and Duscher just wants to keep earning strikes by referencing the other type of crabs. So join the gang as they venture under the sea, down where it’s wetter, looking for adventures and trying to avoid allergic reactions. It’s delicious with butter and just a little salt. Want to help Jackson live his dream of being Dr Crabby? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in helping crabs to start their own side businesses. And don’t forget to get your fre

In which our heroes brace for impact, work on their catch phrases, fail to do cool-guy walks away from explosions and discuss cheesy action movies. We look at Whoopi Goldberg’s secret history with dinosaurs cops, the best 80s theme song and why anyone would use a hang-glider as a getaway vehicle. Jackson wants to know why bus drivers in real life never look like Sandra Bullock, Zoe ponders how effective segways would be in a chase sequence and special guest Nick Capper just wants a therapy sheep. So join the gang as they try desperately to reload their weapons in slow motion and refuse to work with anyone but Marlon Brando or the best chimp alternative. It’s loud, filled with cliches and you can bet there’ll be at least one montage.?? If you're a local you can see more of Nick Capper at 10.45pm every Thursday, Friday and Saturday of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at the Portland Hotel or find him @capperflapper on twitter. Want to help us rebuild the studio after that sweet explosion that was c

In which our heroes put on their protective smocks, channel their inner Bob Ross, forget to rinse their paintbrushes after use and talk about all things art. We discuss the inevitable emo-art-teenage-journal phase, the harsh censorship that comes with self expression and make surprising references to Coldplay. Marley struggles to take the interview questions seriously, Zammit reminisces about the six months he spent in art school and Tessa just wants people to understand her deep angsty emotions. So join the gang as they bust out the glitter paint, give the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel a makeover and play poker with Zammit’s bondage-themed deck of cards. It’s messy, inspiring and more than a little cringeworthy upon further inspection. Want to help Marley and Tessa track down Zammit’s folio? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in a former art student’s life. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free tr

In which our heroes order a martini, take a sip, realise that maybe this spy gig really isn’t for them and wonders if anyone is interested in state secrets. We find the endless possibilities of bobby pins, the most unlikely (and unsuccessful) spies and finally acknowledge the superiority of Agent Cody Banks. Jackson admires the resilience of seagulls, Zoe is using tape worms to bring down villains and Aaron just wants to clean his teeth at any given moment. So join the gang as they load up their secret radios and shoe phones as they try and teach a seal to wait tables, but in a spy way. It’s got MI6, the CIA and ASIO re-evaluating their recruiting methods. Want to help replace Jackson’s teeth with lasers? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in spy dentistry. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least four books about James Bo

In which our heroes travel the high seas, walk the plank and wear eye patches to discuss pirates. We embellish on the time honoured tradition of piracy by stealing witches, catapulting tigers, replacing peg legs with elephant feet, piercing ears for health benefits and stealing tea from the British. Zammit tries to work out if whales can be interchange for horses, Marley is getting passionate about Pippi Longstocking and Aaron just wants a giant ass on the front of his pirate ship. So join the gang as they scrub the deck, plunder for loot and blow the man down. Shiver me timbers, it’s a yo ho ho time so please pass the rum. Want to help Zammit add to his pirate menagerie? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of life for tigers and cats dressed up in knitted tiger suits. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least

In which our heroes get let off the leash, run around the park some and get in trouble for rolling in something as they discuss dogs. We sigh in sadness as dogs break up the Beatles, cower in fear at a dog-run Russia, and ponder the effectiveness of corgis as weapons. Jackson has his taxes done by a rhinoceros, Tess owns the saddest penguin companions and Duscher just wishes his cheetah would stop asking about technology. It's a tail wagging, tongue lolling, flea-filled, fourth dog activity themed adventure, as two old dogs and one new dog refuse to learn new tricks and deliberately forget about some of their old ones. Want to help put our assortment of animals through puppy school? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our cheetahs not mauling everybody to death. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably about six books on dogs. We

In which our heroes revisit the wondrous world of the animal kingdom by playing god and creating their own dream creatures that seemingly sit on the fence between adorable and terrifying. We discover how close monkeys are to driving cars and buying snacks, uncover some of the secret skills of farm animal and find a foolproof of getting rid of foxes. EJ has an emotional connection to Finding Nemo, Alli bases her expertise on the mysteries of the sea by her childhood drawings and Marley just wants know who the biggest jerk of the animal kingdom is. So join the gang as they get in touch with their animal instincts. It’s far from purr-fect. Want to help discover who is the biggest jerk of the animal world once and for all? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in this ever changing mystery. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably more ta

In which our heroes give up on finding Duscher a valentine, notice how long it's been since we recorded anything, and leap into the studio to bust out something before the big day. We discuss EJ's inability to refer to her own genitals, Saint Valentine healing a jailer’s daughter, and a pie company called dicks. EJ can't stand some of the Care Bears, Zoe intends to spend the day throwing things at happy people, and Duscher just wishes he wasn't so attracted to bitches in glasses. So go out and desperately buy a cassette, record this episode onto a mix tape, and ruin another perfectly good Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome. Want to help EJ buy a matching hat for her boyfriend pillow this valentine’s day? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in her sad, lonely life. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s still probably a book or two about love a

In which our heroes are still taking a break from recording, still spending a small amount of time with our loved ones, so we’re re-releasing our 2014 Valentines Day Special. Duscher still hasn’t found himself a new lady and/or man for the big day and the clock is ticking! We discuss yeast infections, whether or not ties are dicks and what is the most ideal Valentine’s Day experience. Jackson just can’t handle dog genitals, Marley is a bit iffy about Monkeys, and EJ can't explain chia pets to save her life. So pick up the last remaining wilted flowers from the 24 hour florist that we inexplicably have in this country, re-wrap that box of half-eaten chocolates and realise that this was still a bad idea and you still have no clue what romance is. Want to help EJ buy a fetching scarf to match that sweater vest for her boyfriend pillow this valentine’s day? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in her sad, lonely life. And don’t forget to

In which our heroes take a break from recording, spend a small amount of time with some loved ones and re-release our 2013 Valentines Day Special in an attempt to buy Duscher enough time to find himself a new lady and/or man for the big day. We discuss our worst valentines, make our opinion known on the issue of friendzoning, and decide the ideal amount of pubic hair. Jackson uses the phrase 'Kid Cancer', Zammit doesn't understand the point of roses, and EJ tries valiantly to defend herself. So gather up your significant other, curl up in front of the fireplace, and realise all too suddenly that this was a bad idea and you have no clue of what romance is. Want to help EJ buy a sweet sweater vest for her boyfriend pillow this valentine’s day? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in her sad, lonely life. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s

In which our heroes find a zone of immunity where they can conspire to their hearts content, have our in-house lawyer Charles on speed dial as we plan all sorts of crime. From inconspicuously stealing a bridge to straight up murdering a guy, we expand our criminal MO by taking pointers from failed crimes and crimes most foul. Jackson decides that universal animal nap time could help him with his poaching, Zoe is shaking up the art world by replacing priceless art works with pictures of herself, and Duscher just wants to fight crime by committing crime with RoboCop. So join the gang as they enjoy diplomatic immunity. It’s barely legal. Want to help pay for our legal retainer? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in ensuring Charles can keep sending his kids to private school. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s sure to be a Law and Order-e

In which our heroes honour our favourite 18th Century Earl by getting yelled at for constantly smearing greasy meat stains all over their clothes, playing-cards and other people and so come up with a genius idea; the humble sandwich. We explore the what exactly makes a sandwich a sandwich, play the Sandwich Name Game all the youths keep talking about and delve further into the Earl of Sandwich’s life than we’ve ever gone before. Jackson reveals his secret bidet shame, Duscher regales us all with the sad tale of Keanu and the non-eaten sandwich and Alli just believes some sandwiches are better underwater. So join the gang as they bite off more than they can chew and try to catch their cheetah sandwich. We promise to not leave you hungry for more. Want to help us keep our meats from getting greasy? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can keep our fingers dry whilst we play cards. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at h

In which our heroes are hoarded by dragons, pilfered by tomb raiders and plundered by pirates as they go looking for treasure. We discuss the reliabilities of old gypsies, our concerns with baboon wrestling, and the griffon epidemic of World War II. Jackson tries to explain the theft of Russia's Amber Room, Tessa dies far too easily in the jungle and Duscher just wants to forge some of Hitler's art. So join the gang as they explore a temple after trekking through a dense jungle to steal a cursed idol only to be inevitably betrayed by an array of lackeys. Not all that glitters is gold, but some of it might be. To help us on our treasure hunting expedition head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our non-treasure filled lives. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least four books about treasure.  See acast.com/privacy for priv

In which our heroes pulse like a quasar, suck like a black hole and explode like a dying sun as they discuss space. We try and decipher the best way to go into space, shed light on the thing wheel and worship the humble dung beetle. Jackson gets caught in orbit, Zoe misunderstands some fundamental things about space and Duscher just wants everyone to know how awesome astronauts are. So hold your breath because we didn't supply you with a helmet as you join the gang in space but die anyway because it's the pressure that kills you. It’s a faster than light space adventure as we choof off into the night sky and become one with the universe. To help Duscher’s lifelong aspiration of becoming an astronaut a reality head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to his little boy dreams.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes jingle bells, deck halls, and ride in Santa’s sleigh tonight as we bring you our 2014 Sanspants Christmas Special. In this episode we look at the still mystifying nature of eggnog, the medical benefits of beetles, and the excitement of getting new pants. Jackson is too smug about ghosts, Zoe leads the chorus in a Sanspants christmas carol, and Duscher just wants to wear his pants however he sees fit. So join the gang as they sing off key, play a humble game of eggnoggin’ and revisit the magicless past of Duscher. It’s a boiling hot, seafood filled, Tim Allen inspired holiday special, and you've got to wonder if we'll ever really get eggnog. Merry Christmas. To help us buy presents for each other and our loved ones head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our Christmas cheer levels.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes keep taking a break from recording, eat a whole Christmas ham, and re-release our 2013 Christmas Special in a vain effort to buy us more ham-time. In this episode we completely forget everything we learned about eggnog last Christmas, gift-shame, and explore the terror of pets as gifts. Jackson comes up with the greatest Christmas tradition, Marley reveals the dog-eat-dog nature of her family Christmas, Zammit doesn't understand childhood wonder, and Duscher just wants to comprehend Frosty the Snowman. Join the gang as they receive a gift of nuts, describe their perfect milkshakes, and kill animals in fear. Merry Christmas. To help us buy larger, and more extravagant hams head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in our jolly lives.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes get out of the studio, spend time with our friends and family and hastily re-release our 2012 Christmas Special to keep you jerks happy and to buy us some time. In this episode we try to make our own eggnog, discover the secret that makes every family gathering tolerable and go over coping strategies for Mall Santas. Jackson really wants to see some Christmas lights and eat dip, Zammit speaks ill of the dead and wants to be left alone and Duscher just isn’t even there. Join the gang as they try to retell an old Christmas fable, argue that Bigfoot has more to do with Christmas than Christ and discover the harrowing connection of human sacrifice to December 25th. Merry Christmas. ??To help us buy presents for our loved ones head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in our Christmas lives.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes get cast away, cannot sleep in Seattle, and try to save Private Ryan whilst discussing Tom Hanks. We talk Jennifer Grey's nose, silent restaurants, and Jackson and Duscher's six year romantic relationship. Jackson reveals Tom Hank's dad's name, Zoe defends Tom Hank's typewriter collection, and Duscher just wishes someone would explain ownership of property to him. So join the gang as they discuss all things relating to Tom Hanks with a focus on Tim Allen. It’s a Big, Cloud Atlas Apollo 13, and it's not over till The Da Vinci Code, Forest Gump Philadelphia. T.Hanks for listening. To help us buy Tom Hanks head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in our Tom Hankless lives.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.