Shut Up A Second

In which our heroes don a crown, put on their king-capes, and get coronated as we talk Royalty. We discuss the neccesity of legs, the dangers of playing pretend, and putting speedholes on a jousting horse. Jackson decides he wants a dangerous crown, Zoe dedicates way to many days to celebrating hamburgers, and Duscher just wishes Alladin would explain itself. It's an elegant, aristocratic adventure with our pinkies out, so everybody get on your knees and pay your respect to your humble ruler. Want us to remember you when we're kings? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our royal decrees.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes spoil milk, steal babies, and hassle the three billy goats gruff as we talk about trolls. We discuss the agricultural competency of trolls, the proper size for trolls, the sentient level of trolls in comparison to hippos and the proper defence against trolls. Jackson learns some new things about coffin sizes, Zoe creates some rad and grisly statues, and Duscher just wants to save his goats and horses by spoiling his milk first. It’s a fantastical adventure of dead horses, stiltskins and stolen babies, all finishing up before dawn or else we’re all turning to stone. To help us protect our farms from fas folk head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in our simple farm folk lives.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes polish their suits of armour, sharpen their swords and discuss all things knights on their quest to slay a dragon. We look at the cost/benefit of being an armour squire, the hustle and bustle of the local wife market and wonder what our knight names would be. Sir Jackson the Disappointment kills the Queen and ponders at what age knights are put out to pasture, Sir Zoe the Man welcomes everyone to her sword show as she slaughters thousands and Sir Duscher the Great King just wants long, glorious hair to blow majestically in the wind while he poses with an oversized sword. It’s a gallant adventure that ends with a lot of dead horses and a lot of dead townsfolk. To help us get another squire head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in our medieval lives.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes wash up on a desert island, draw straws, and do whatever it takes to survive as we talk cannibals. We discuss the dangers of eating brains, the nature of worms, and which Sanspants member is the tastiest. Jackson wants to lick the sphinx, Zoe is frighteningly prepared to eat all her friends, and Duscher just wants the world to know how much he hates rhymes. It's a fine banquet where the main course is long pig, so everyone pull up a chair, don’t lean your elbows on the table, and please, under no circumstances, calls the cops. To help prevent us from eating each other head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to the continuation of our lives.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes erect a tombstone, put on their mourning clothes, have a good grieve and discuss graveyards. We contemplate keeping our dead bodies out of New Zealand, shooting them into space, and protecting them from wolves. Jackson gives listeners permission to date their cousins, Zoe discusses the hassle of coming back from the dead, and Duscher just wants to know why zombies are such an issue. It's a spooky halloween mess where finding eternal peace has never been more difficult. So try not to think about the fact that you are always a second away from being a ghost, and have a happy Halloween. To help make double decker graveyards a reality head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our unlives.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes break out the good china, pop some champagne, put on their party hats, and toast to fifty episodes of Shut Up a Second. We wonder if there's a difference between being half dead and half alive, mix up our cereals until it's just chaos with a splash of milk, and count 50 Cents bullet wounds. Jackson explains the living hell that is fifty first dates, Zoe wishes for fifty boyfriends and Duscher just wants to celebrate fifty years of Sanspants. So raise a glass, plonk your dick on the table and get Shingles to feed you hors d’oeuvres while we drink to at least another fifty episodes until we get distracted and move on to something else. To help us crank out another fifty head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can keep Jackson, Duscher, and Zoe in the elegant finery they have become accustomed to.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes roll on up, buy some peanuts, and try and avoid the clowns. We look at the nutritional value of peanuts, the patience of stupid farm folk and the right way to recruit a freak . Jackson wonders about the prerequisites for being a bearded lady (besides the obvious), Zoe creates a terrifying circus of lies and Duscher just wants to impress everyone by eating a whole toffee apple. It's freaks, sideshows, giant dwarfs and a whole collection of horses as we raise the big top and get the circus ready for the greatest show on earth. Sit back and enjoy or we’re going to have to ask you to leave. To help buy some more exotic horses for Zoe’s circus head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our lives and make our carnival sustainable.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes orbit the earth, control the tides, and provide light by having the sun reflect off of them. It's a crater filled, desolate adventure as we cruise around in our buggies and talk everything moon. Jackson considers alternate, more amazing methods of space travel, Zoe makes some wild accusations about Stanley Kubrick, and Duscher just wants you to know how long diamonds are for. We're bouncing high in our moon boots, skateboarding in craters, and trying not to inhale moon dust and die. It's one small step for man but one clumsy fall into a ditch for the rest of us. To help make our moon adventure a reality head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our lives and assist us in making our little boy dreams come true.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes holster their revolvers, walk right into the bar, and order a whiskey straight. It's a gun toting, toothpick chewing, horse riding adventure as the posse explores everything cowboy. Jackson looks at the poop-related struggles of life on the prairie, Zoe expands our cowboy vocabulary, and Duscher just wishes Zoe would accept the fact that being a wild west prostitute will end in her STD riddled death. We’re going from ranch to ranch poking cows, rustling sheep and mounting horses. You don’t know who we are, where we came from, what our names are or even what we’re doing - but we sure cleaned up this one-horse town li’l lady. To help this little frontier town renew their prostitution license head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our lives  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes pretend to floss daily and watch out for the silent killer; plague. It’s all things dental as we take an in depth look at teeth. Jackson is downright offended at the gangs blind hatred of soup, Zoe introduces us to the Lovecraftian horror that is Mountain Dew Mouth, and Duscher just wants to know why Hollywood demonises innocent dentists. Join the gang as they flash their pearly whites and get brushing. We’re moving from incisor to molar as we bite off more than we can chew and impart some wisdom before it’s forcibly removed with the help of some anesthetic and rusty pliers. It’s time for a deep clean but just don’t poke your uvula. To prevent our cavity riddled demise head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month you can make a much needed difference to our lives.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes adjust their sunhats, put on their blue denim overalls and start chewing on some wheat to go water them there horses. It’s back breaking labour as we all tend to our own quaint little farm while Jackson extolls the virtues of the humble dungfarmer, Zoe once again proves her dominance by crushing the competition at human farming, and Duscher just wants to know what in the hell Babe was doing in the big city anyway. But none of it matters because it all comes down to a farmyard rumble of epic proportions. It's a dusty, stinky, agricultural battle of wits, and only one beast can be crowned king. After all, some animals are more equal than others.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes strap on their hat-torches, hook in their carabiners, tug twice if anything goes wrong and descend deep into the bowels of the earth. We discuss those giant holes in the ground otherwise known as caves as Jackson does his best to defend the reputation of hermits, Zoe forgets some key things about bats, and Duscher just wishes everyone knew what a sewer was so he could stop explaining it. Join the gang as they host their very own survivor cave challenge where it all descends into madness and no one really wins. It's dark, it's wet, it's full of bats and mole people, and the surface world is getting further and further away.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes break into the shed and start yanking on cow udders. In the thrilling conclusion to our three part-mini series on the staples, we discuss our favourite white liquid; milk. We’re guzzling as much cow-juice as humanly possible as Jackson explores how many animals we had to go through before settling on the humble cow, Zoe details her strict three-day expiration policy when it comes to milk and Duscher just wants a whale thickshake. Join the gang they asks if horses are mammals, if yogurt is dairy and if you get enough houses together do they become a liquid while having the nerve to question science. It’s quite a journey.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which out heroes break out of their shells and make some omelettes. In part two of our three part mini-series on the staples, we discuss the best part of a chicken that isn't it's breast, leg or thigh; eggs. We’re walking on eggshells as Jackson ponders what life would be like inside an egg, Zoe refuses to believe the Flinstones was anything other than a documentary and Duscher just wants some post-scrambled eggs. Join the gang as they misunderstand hunger, display a level of general incompetence in terms of egg handling that hasn’t been seen in years and finally leave you with an answer that has been plaguing mankind for eons; what came first, the chicken or the egg? Listen now.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes take out some greasy meats, a little cheese and some butter from the fridge to make a sandwich. In part one of our three part mini-series on the staples, we discuss the pinnacle of human invention: bread. We go on a carb loaded journey as Jackson decides he wants a condom made entirely of bread so the lady (or man) can have a sneaky nibble between sessions, Zoe envisions a boyfriend made entirely of bread and Duscher just wants some mini-toasts. Join the gang as they try to unmask the secret history of the Earl Sandwich’s attempts at making the perfect lunch time meal, reinvent the calzone and offer bad advice from cosmo involving doughnuts, penises and far too much cinnamon. Listen now.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes have a touching reunion.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes have a sleepover and stay up late talking about cute boys. For the last episode of our guest season, Jackson and Duscher explore all things hunk with male-thigh enthusiast Bridget McNamara. Join us as we argue about what features are the best bit of a hunk, have an in-depth discussion about Pirates of the Caribbean and fantasise about dating George Clooney. Jackson examines his dumpy body and asks what he would need to change to become a hunk (ed note: everything), Duscher has trouble ranking his Hollywood Hunks and Bridget questions the double standards and definitions of lady hunks. Either way, George Clooney - you’re beautiful. Never change. We love you. Call us?  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes go out for a Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary. Jackson and Zoe talk Urban Legends with our good friend and private eye TDB (the D is for danger proving once again that you shouldn’t give yourself a nickname). Listen in as we discuss some of our favourite urban legends from the drowning dog that turned out to be a rat to the woman whose hair was full of spiders. We talk about everyone’s favourite hooked man, the strange link between the Chupacabra and 1995 Roger Donalson classic Species and the mysterious origins of the Jersey Devil (it’s probably just a horse). From spooky stories to the boring and mundane, gerbils in butts to cancer causing cunnilingus! We have got you covered. If you’re interested in terrifying stories and debunking myths, maybe you should find a more reputable source.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes get down on the floor and encourage everybody to do some kind of dance routine. Jackson and Duscher are joined by part-time dinosaur enthusiast and full time artist Nathan Davis. We collectively fight our urge to sing the Jurassic Park theme song, try and work out what killed the dinosaurs and contemplate what god’s midlife crisis would be like. Nathan gets mad at everyone’s choice of favourite dinosaur, Jackson reveals his fantasy of shaving a woolly mammoth and Duscher fails to understand history yet again. Time travel makes several appearances as does scientists failing to expand humans thirst for knowledge because their hunger knows no bounds. Listen to the end to find out about the depressing life of Gideon Mantell! Because no matter how bleak life may be, your spine was never taken from you, pickled in a jar then discarded 120 years later for taking up too much room.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In which our heroes turn their heads and cough. Jackson and Zoe are joined by Zoe's heterosexual life partner Kristina where we get the inside scoop on doctor/patient confidentiality, explain bug catchers and wonder why so many people are ashamed to ask for help when butt play goes wrong. We learn of Jackson’s yakult addiction, Zoe’s gynaecological mishaps and Kristina’s enema experience. There’s some repressed genital memories, a touch of elephant/human erotica and some weight loss tips involving parasites. Take some time to reflect on just how far modern medicine has come where we no longer have to leech everything to get rid of that unsightly blood weight or kill a cat to ward off the spirits that are clearly giving you testicular cancer.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.