Ross O'carroll-kelly @ The Irish Times

‘You’d better look at the video she posted three days ago’... See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Honor is rude to randomers on Grafton St – and Ross has never been so proud. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Ross discovers that his idea of a Holy Day of Obligation doesn’t quite tally with his bos See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Ross isn’t on board with Sorcha’s Irish resolution – and it’s about to blow up in his face See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The dude who rings is called Mister Something-Something. His name isn’t important. He says he’s from the Deportment of Education and he has some good news for me. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“It’s an amazing way of celebrating our Irishness in this period of historic centenaries,” claims Sorcha See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Honor goes, “What the fock are we doing in Cork anyway?” and I end up having to laugh because it’s honestly like listening to myself. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“Honor has never been sentimental about Christmas. Do you remember the first time we ever watched the Late Late Toy Show together as a family? And she said she wanted to smash all of the toys with a hammer just to make all the other children cry?” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Dave from the office was in chorge of payroll until he did a course in human resources in the Smurfit Business School in Blackrock and returned to work six weeks later having lost his sense of smell, his sense of taste and – most tragically of all – his sense of humour. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is a grandfather and his old man is building a prison called Robbin’ Island. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“Dad,” she goes, “you are so not a sexist. You’re horrible to women and men. It’s one of the few things I actually like about you.” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Lauren, the new Lady Managing Director of Hook, Lyon and Sinker, thinks I have a problem taking orders from women. Which is complete horseshit, of course. I worked behind the bor at the annual Foxrock Golf Club Ladies Foursomes event for seven years in a row and took thousands of orders from women. Mostly for gin and tonics. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I walk into the office to discover that all of my most treasured possessions have been stuffed into a cordboard box, which is sitting on my desk. We’re talking my ‘That’s Leinstertainment’ travel mug. We’re talking my 13 letters of censure from the Property Services Regulatory Authority. We’re talking my signed photograph of Richie McCaw (“To Ross,” it says. “You could have been one of the all-time greats,” words which still bring a tear to my eye, even though I told him specifically what to write). See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Hennessy and the old man have bought Hook, Lyon & Sinker, but the way Hennessy’s talking, it’s not looking like yours truly is their first choice for managing director See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The annual Iron Stomach Contest is as much a part of UCD life as wearing your schools rugby jersey for the first 10 weeks of first year and experimenting with your sexuality by getting off with people who didn’t go to fee-paying secondary schools. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

My daughter is doing a Closet Purge for her vlog. A purge with a difference – it’s Sorcha’s closet and there’s petrol involved See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The old man asks me for my thoughts on the Budget – like it affects me somehow?“What Budget?” I go. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

If you’d told me, when I was, like, 16 years old, that one day I’d end up literally working for a living, I would have asked you, well, what was the point of playing rugby in the first place? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s like Honor’s had some kind of, I don’t know, personality transplant? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The fourth and final exclusive excerpts from 'Operation Trumpsformation', the seventeenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.