Ross O'carroll-kelly @ The Irish Times

The old man has a Cohiba the size of a Wavin pipe wedged between his teeth and I end up having to open the window so I don’t die of smoke inhalation.“The fock are we even doing here?” I go. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Ireland are playing the All Blacks but Sorcha has planned a family weekend to Center Parcs. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s here — as in, like, the big day? Honor has reached the final of the Joshua Pim Shield and it’s the most excitement Glenageary has seen since Google accidentally called it Glasthule in the course of mapping the area and 14 per cent was wiped off local property values overnight. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sorcha asks me if I’m ready and I tell her – yeah, no – I think so? I’ve got my Rugby Tactics Book on the coffee table, twenty-four sticks of Heinemite in the fridge and I’ve aired out my Cantos with the loose elastic in which I do all of my best thinking. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“Daddy long-legs,” Leo goes, pointing at quite literally nothing. “It’s a focking daddy long-legs.”I’m like, “For the fifteenth time, Leo, it’s not a daddy long-legs. It’s a crack in your glasses from when Johnny hit you across the face with the griddle pan.” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“Ross,” Fionn tries to go, “you can’t keep turning up at the school like this.”And I’m like, “Who says so?” sitting down opposite him and throwing the old Dubey Dubey Doos up on his desk. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“Oh my God, that’s her!” Honor goes. Her being Corina Brien, her opponent in the first round of the Joshua Pim Shield in Glenageary Lawn Tennis Club. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sorcha has ordered a skip. Yeah, no, that might not be big news where you live – but on Vico Road, Killiney, it’s, like, massive? Because it’s evidence that you’re up to something. And around here, there’s very little that escapes the attention of the local residents’ association, especially with their hourly drone flyovers looking for evidence of illegal building activity in the area. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So I’ve brought Brian, Johnny and Leo to Morseille – yeah, no, the one in France – for their very first European Cup final. It’s, like, 24 hours before kick-off – or kick-orse, as I call it – and the excitement is already storting to build?https://www.irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

There’s a familiar face in the kitchen, although I’m struggling to put a name to it. “Ross,” Sorcha goes, “you remember Foraoise Farrell, don’t you? Holy Child Killiney?”And that’s when the penny suddenly drops. Yeah, no, I was in UCD with her brother, Conor. We did the old Sportsman Dip course together – although the only sport we actually played, if I’m being honest, was pool while pissed. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“What do you think?” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, she’s trying to choose an outfit for the annual Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association stort-of-summer borbecue and she’s been at it since nine o’clock this morning. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So it’s, like, Day Whatever-it-is and my period of isolation is finally over. I’m about to ring the goys to see if anyone fancies hitting The Bridge for a few bank holiday scoops when all of a sudden my phone rings and it ends up being dick features himself. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

According to my latest antigen test, I’m still positive, but – the most random thing – I’ve never felt better in my life, either physically or whatever other ways there are. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

"I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been dreading this week since Christmas. And not dreading it in the same way that you dread, I don’t know, root canal surgery, or an NCT. I mean dreading it like you dread your own death, if that’s not putting it too strongly?" See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Christian’s wife, Lauren, has never been a fan of the Rossmeister General. I don’t mind. I think it was me who first said I’d rather be someone’s shot of tequila than everyone’s cup of tea... See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

‘Most of them are empty and there’s, like, a homelessness crisis? I’m going to put six rooms’ See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Charles O’Carroll-Kelly goes on Drivetime to talk about Castlerock College going co-ed See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

How can Ross convince the goys that Castlerock should never let in girls? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Fionn’s changed since he landed the top job at our old alma mater See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

There’s goys from Michael’s, Belvedere, Gonzaga and Blackrock all mixing with each other like there’s no actual difference between them See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.