Ross O'carroll-kelly @ The Irish Times

“Corlow?” Sorcha goes – clearly worried about me. “Why on earth do you want to drive all the way Corlow for a Christmas tree when we can buy one three minutes up the road in Terenure College?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, as I always say, it’s better to be someone’s shot of tequila than everyone’s cup of tea. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I’m in, like, the gorden, throwing the old Gilbert around with Brian, Johnny and Leo, except we can’t complete three passes without one of us dropping the ball and I’m wondering does it have anything to do with us living in Terenure now – as in, the general sense of failure that hangs over the place has somehow seeped into my children’s bones like arthritis. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The school concert hall is absolutely rammers and the walls are pretty much vibrating with the sound of people being – as we say on this side of the city – up in orms. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Anyone who follows the Letters to the Editor page in this newspaper will be aware of my old man’s thoughts on the subject of girls slash women playing rugby.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I end up pretty much not sleeping for, like, five nights straight. And I know Honor is exactly the same. I’m there, “Can you just explain to me again what you saw and heard — illegibly.” “There’s no illegibly about it,” Sorcha goes. “I saw the ghost of an old man.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

She’s quiet, cranky and liable to explode in a rage at the least provocation. Mind you, she’s been like that since she emerged from her old dear’s womb with her two middle fingers raised to the world. It’s just that for the first time ever, she seems without – I don’t know – hope. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Ross O’Carroll-Kelly!” a voice behind me goes. “It is you, isn’t it?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha is unpacking her collection of Lladro figurines from a cordboard box. She says she’s worried about Honor.I’m like, “Honor? In terms of what specifically?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m in, like, Dundrum Town Centre with Honor and we’re racing for the lift slash elevator before the doors close. There’s, like, eight or nine people in there and they all do that thing that I always do when I’m in a lift slash elevator and someone is rushing for it. They all pretend they can’t see us, while one of them — some random old dude? — makes a movement like he’s looking for the hold doors button but he does it in, like, slow motion. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Claire from Bray of all places says the miniature Scotch eggs are – oh my God – divine? Sorcha says the secret is to fold some Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco into the pork mince before deep-frying the things in 100 per cent corn oil. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I’m like, “Okay, listen up, everyone,” spinning a rugby ball in my hands and – to be honest? – loving the way my voice sounds right now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Lauren — as in, like, my best friend Christian’s wife? — has never been my number one fan. There are many reasons for that. For storters, she wouldn’t be what I would call a rugby person? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s, like, the first day of the school year and we’re standing outside the gates of Castlerock College. Although it would be more accurate to say that we’re blocking the gates — yeah, no, in protest at the school’s decision to go co-ed. There’s, like, 40 or 50 old forts involved — mostly mates of my old man’s — and they’re in their literally element. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

There are – I think we’d all agree? – some great events in the South Dublin social calendar. There’s, like, the Dublin Horse Show. There’s the arrival of Santa Claus in a twin-engine Sikorsky on the roof of Dundrum Town Centre each December. And there’s obviously Bloomsday – or, as I call it, Halloween for wankers. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

The weather in — yeah, no — Portugal has been so good that Sorcha has been suffering the big-time guilts over the future of what she calls our planet? But on Tuesday everything changed when a severe depression suddenly blew in from the west — in other words, her old pair came to visit. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s a cracking day in Quinta do Lago — but then aren’t they all? I’m having my first piña colada of the morning because I drank way too much last night and I’m feeling like dogshit that’s been stepped in twice. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

A well-appointed property,” Sorcha goes, reading from the bumf, “set in the hort of one of South Dublin’s most sagacious suburbs. Oh my God, I love that word. It sounds amazing, doesn’t it, Ross? Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I’m in the gym in Riverview, trying to get myself beach body-ready for Quints in the middle of August. Today is orms day and I’m sitting on a Swiss ball in front of a long mirror, with a 6kg dumbbell in either hand, thinking how fantastic I look for a man of, like, 42, with abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The old man has a Cohiba the size of a Wavin pipe wedged between his teeth and I end up having to open the window so I don’t die of smoke inhalation.“The fock are we even doing here?” I go. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.