Ross O'carroll-kelly @ The Irish Times

People talk about polyamory like it’s a new thing. I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s. It’s just that I’ve never told my wife. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I know they say it’s not good for your health but my relationship with Honor has never been better Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

She has so much filler in her face that she looks like she’s had herself embalmed to save us the trouble when she finally pops it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If everybody is doing something how bad can it be, Ross thinks, as he submits to peer pressure from his daughter and discovers vaping Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old dear rings me and asks me to meet her for Sunday lunch in some, I don’t know, random Italian restaurant in Ranelagh. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The final whistle blows and I burst into tears. The greatest day of my life? It’s definitely up there. People bang on about the birth of their children, but children let you down. This Ireland team never do? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The big Castlerock College versus Newpork Comprehensive showdown has arrived Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When his ‘back me or sack me’ move backfires, Ross is left in a mild depression having lost his job as the coach of Castlerock College girls rugby team. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Rossmeister General finds out about the ‘deleterious effect’ rugby is having on academic and behavioural standards among girls at school Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Only the crookedest lawyer in Ireland can get me out of this contract I accidentally signed with a modelling agency Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s, like, Monday morning and I’ve taken the boys for a haircut – or, to be more, I don’t know, pacific, I’ve dumped them in the borber’s while me and Honor are sitting in the coffee shop next door. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – the girls have been working unbelievably hord in training, which is why I’ve arranged a little surprise for them. I tell them to meet me in the school cor pork, where the bus is already waiting with the engine idling. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Oh my God,” Honor goes, “you’re not actually wearing that, are you?”And by that she means my black, Canterbury elite protection body ormour vest. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I go, “Twas the week before Sixmas, and all through the class, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I’m in Cinnamon in Monkstown, getting all excited about Sixmas, which is only, like, two weeks away now. I’m writing out my storting 15 for the match against Wales into the famous Big Book when I notice a woman staring at me over the top of her Watermelon Shhuga. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

They stagger out onto the pitch in two or three different huddles, their orms folded against the cold of a horrible January morning.I’m there, “Welcome back, ladies! Hope you had a good Christmas!” and they’re all, like, hating on me for my – yeah, no – cheeriness?With any subscription you'll get unlimited access to the very best in unique quality journalism from The Irish Times. Subscribe today. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

No less a judge than the great Jerry Flannery once described me as “one of Ireland’s greatest thinkers” – and even though it was in the course of a Charity Roast in the Sin Bin in Limerick, I think his point still stands... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old dear is drinking a Baileys with her dental plate out and I don’t think I’ll ever have another amorous thought in my life. The old man raises his brandy glass to me and goes, “Merry Christmas, Ross.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m standing at the trough in The Queens in Dalkey, having a much-needed slash, when I hear a voice beside me go, “Is that the famous Ross O’Carroll-Kelly I see?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Castlerock College Christmas Fete has always been a massive event in the O’Carroll-Kelly social calendar. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.