Tysto Film Commentaries

Bond is back, and he's played this time by Timothy Dalton! It's a terrific entry in the series, with spectacular stunts and little that it dumb and cheesy. Maryam d'Abo is the cellist/sniper/freedom fighter/pilot of his dreams—which is good because she's the only beddable female in the film unless you count a much younger and hotter Moneypenny and Pushkin's girlfriend, who suffers terribly considering that she's completely innocent. He's helped along by old friends Felix Leiter and Stewie Griffin. However, I bemoan the rather clownish villains. I point out that Bond helping out Kamran Shah against reasonable and affable Russians might not be the wisest strategy.

At last Harry Potter leaves the stifling confines of the musty old castle and takes to the great outdoors! For ages and ages and ages while nothing happens. Join me as I try to make the best of it, but ultimately this is one of my least favorites of the series because there's so little actual plot at the same time that there is so little actual drama. I discuss themes (or the lack thereof), the romance (or lack thereof), motivations, the pleasant development of the actors, and the really good infiltration of the Ministry sequence. But I mostly complain about how Hermione does practically EVERYTHING even at this point, when Harry should be stepping up as hero.

Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as we peer fixedly thru Rear Window. It's a heartbreaking tale of an impotent old man and his ravishing young girlfriend, who can't help but stare into the lives of a lonely woman, a pair of newlyweds, an older married couple, a frustrated composer, an oddball sculptor, and a wholesale jewelry salesman. Thrill to the dinner scene! Cower at the massage scene! Flutter at the Edith Head fashion show! Somehow, Alfred Hitchcock manages to keep us interested and even make us shake with fear without ever showing something so crass and common as a murder. It's one of our favorites, and we have a great time!

The Asylum attacks! It's a two-headed shark, Carmen Electra, Charlie O'Connell, Brooke Hogan, and a cast of shark fodder. Along the way, I express bafflement at the purpose of the expedition, I root against certain characters, I call Charlie O'Connell a wuss (and, multiple times, Jerry—sorry), I try to rewrite the story as a JJ Abrams project, and I come up with an idea for a sequel. Overall, I'm solidly not as disappointed as I could have been. It's fun in the sun "hundreds" of miles away from anywhere with a gratuitous topless scene and lots of bikinis. Who am I to complain? And, after watching it again, I realize that nearly all the questions I had are actually answered in the film. This screenplay is watertight!

Harry Potter takes a back seat to love and Malfoy in this, the sixth of the eight films. Join me as I over-analyze the goings on and giggle at the smooching. I suggest that Snape and Wormtail could make a good sitcom and that Dumbledore might be encouraging Harry to get a girl pregnant. Luckily, Harry is so thick-headed that he doesn't get that hint... or any other. I discuss the theme and Harry's development thruout the previous films. I complain that Harry doesn't actually do much investigating and that the B plot doesn't reinforce the A plot. And I warn wizards that they could wind up like magical Amish people. But I like this move at least as much as pretty much any of the others for its marvelous control of tone and atmosphere.

Join me for another fun-filled dive into the world of existentialist hit men and the philosophy and tools of their trade. It's Charles Bronson as the master and Jan Michael Vincent as his lovely leading lady and protege. Thrill to the dialog-free opening 15 minutes! Be electrified by the amazing house, gadgets, and cars! Be weirded out by the suicide-as-spectator-sport sequence! I compare the film to Day of the Jackal, James Bond films, other Bronson films, and Air Wolf. I evaluate the effectiveness of being meticulous against the actual results Arthur achieves. And I occasionally wish that Jan Michael Vincent was a girl and that the girls in the movie could act.

At last, I rejoin the Doctor for another journey to the stars, this time to find God Himself. The Doctor takes away all my pain and yours to, if you'll only join him in his insane quest to do commentaries for all the Star Trek movies. We discuss the wisdom of Shatner getting to direct just because Nimoy got to direct, the likelihood that Kirk is the source of most of the pain on the Enterprise, the likelihood that I would fall for the old fan dance trick, and much, much more!

Harry Potter is again on the docket! Watch along with me as I examine what passes for justice in the wizarding world, what passes for teaching in the mind of Dolores Umbridge, and what passes for romance at Hogwarts (one kiss and a pat on the shoulder). This is my least favorite of the Potter films, solely because of Umbridge, but I try to stay positive and focus on the totally sweet training montage and final battles. Okay, maybe I also hate the prophecy stuff and the parts which feel a lot like Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, which are not inconsiderable. Oh, and I once again get Jesus and Moses mixed up. Cut me some slack; they both wore beards and robes and were almost killed as babies.

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me for the second of Christopher Nolan's Batmen! We judge it to be the best of breed, with a tour de force performance from Heath Ledger. We discuss plot depth and stuff, like how much of a racist I am (apparently a lot). We debate whether it is a mushy in the middle and which Robertses and Gyllenhaals we can do without. And we agree that this movie would be great with or without a dude dressed as a bat. Also, we consider Milla Jovovich as Catwoman and Bruce Willis as the Penguin or somebody to try to reunite them with Gary Oldman and Tiny Lister from The 5th Element. Here's some more: Ian Holm as Mr. Freeze and Chris Tucker as that dude Liberace played in the old TV show!

Join me as I join Mystery, Inc. for a stroll thru my childhood WITH ZOMBIES. It's Scooby-Doo and the gang reunited in 1998's return to form, even if the voices are slightly wonky. Everybody but Fred had been replaced at this point, and they've changed clothes and jobs, but HEY! It's Scooby-Doo! And there's no damned Scrappy! I compare the film to the original series, to other Hanna-Barbara cartoons of the era (Speed Buggy, Jabber Jaw, Josie and the Pussycats). I talk about the current and original voice actors and their other work. Plus, I do a Frank Welker impression! (That's what I was doing at the beginning there, when I was talking about "special guest stars". It was actually Frank Welker doing Gregory Peck and/or Nibbler.)

Harry Potter is back! Join me as we watch him on the Jumbotron, competing in the Quadwizard Tournament against dragons, dancing, merfolk, and bushes. I explore Dumbledore's willful mispronunciations, Ron's many alternatives to going to the ball in a costume rejected by Jon Pertwee, and the likelihood of what appears to be half a dozen Death Eaters terrorizing what seems to be 100,000 or so wizards at the Quidditch World Cup. I again ask the question "Why does any of this happen?" I put forth a clear and concise alternative for Barty Crouch, Junior's ridiculous plan. I propose an explanation as to why the tournament must go on. I maintain my theory that Filch and Mrs. Norris are married. And I explore the possibility that Hermione gave the big V to Viktor, if you know what I mean.

It's Harry Potter, back for a third helping of myth, magic, teen angst, and lots and lots of chocolate! I walk thru the structure of the story, character motivations, and time travel theories. I wonder who needs a permission slip to go shopping but not to fly around in a thunderstorm. I ask the musical question "Why does any of this happen?" And I worry about illegal boggart abuse. I try to figure out the story-behind-the-story to understand what Lupin and Black are thinking and come up confused and bewildered. I wonder if there is a little homosexual subtext to go with the homosexual text. And I worry that Hermione, like Buckbeak, is going to be sentenced to death for striking a Malfoy.

Roger Moore is back for his last rodeo as James Bond! It's a rather slow, somewhat dull, kind of haphazard adventure filled with lovely women and also Grace Jones! Honestly, there's not a lot to say about this one. The whole formula is a bit tired and threadbare. I try to make the best of it and have fun by noting how stopping a guy who is making EMP-proof chips available to the world is kind of a jerk goal for British Intelligence. I point out how Zorin is awfully clumsy about keeping his activities quiet when he puts his name on every chip and has them packed for shipping in his basement.

Join me for the second leap into fantastic adventures of puddles of water and CGI spiders and cars that act silly as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I like this film second or third best of the series, but that doesn't mean I cut it any slack. (Actually, I think I cut it slack on at least two occasions.) I again analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore. I admire the structure and pacing. And I wonder why NO ADULTS ARE INVESTIGATING THESE TERRIFYING EVENTS.

Join me in for the first step into the magical world of British character actors, child-sized horror mystery, and wild swings of tone as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I like the series quite a lot and this film is no exception. Your mileage may vary. I've never read any of the books, so I stick almost entirely to exploration of the movies. But I analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore and the other films in the series. I compare the characters here with their development (or lack thereof—or even regression) in the later films. And I touch on visual effects, consistency, setup-and-payoff, and mommy logic.

Join me as I join Josh from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy, Mike and Damon from Geek Fights, and (about 90 minutes in) Mike from Commentary Tracks Stars as we celebrate the awfulness of Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. Josh is ambivalent (in that he can barely stand it). I praise the set design and remain staunchly in denial of any gay subtext. Mike and Damon profess love that sours over the course of film. And CTS Mike just despises it. Over all, we have a great deal of fun with it. I quote my 8-year-old nephew a few times. We speculate on superhero Donald Trump and Richard Branson. We try to figure out how a 21-year-old Barbara has a mother who was young in the 1940s. We wonder why Bane is even in this movie. And we marvel that Mr. Freeze's suit is powered by puns.

Josh and John are back again for another three-commentator commentary, this time for Andrew Niccol's Gattaca. We compare it to Niccol's later films, discuss performances and art direction, and analyze the plot. We have varying degrees of respect for the movie, but none of us hate it.

Join John Pavlich and me for the first of Christopher Nolan's Batmen and thrill to the excitement of flashbacks(!) and training sequences(!) and more (but not a lot more). We both like the film, but maybe not as much as we did when before seeing The Dark Knight. We talk Batman comic books, other Nolan movies, Joker vs Scarecrow, Scarecrow vs Falcone, Britons vs Americans, and Holmes vs Gyllenhaal.

Join me for a trip thru one of the greatest action movies of all time. It's the heartwarming story of a boy and his robot and his mom living off the fat of the land and blowing stuff up, driving like crazy people, and shooting guns ineffectively. I examine the themes and visual motifs, discuss James Cameron in general, and compare the film to the original and other sequels and to other films. I temporarily misidentify a car (heaven forbid!), and stumble thru discussion of theme and motif, and speculate on where the rest of the original terminator skeleton got to.

There's big trouble brewing in Chinatown! Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we go into the tunnels under San Francisco to fight David Lo Pan and retrieve the lovely Miao Yin and Gracie Law! In this impromptu commentary, we discuss the film's origins in pulp fiction and connections to Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Bruce Lee movies, and other John Carpenter movies. We gush like schoolgirls at times, and agree that the film is virtually if not actually nearly perfect.