Tysto Film Commentaries

Danny Trejo IS Machete, the hard-charging illegal immigrant of your nightmares. Robert DeNiro is the Italian/Irish/Texan state senator. Jessica Alba is the the superhot tight-pantsed Immigration agent. Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to our co-director Robert) is the superhot taco truck lady! And that guy who is always a villain in these kinds of movies is the villain in this movie! Join me as I watch it for the first time and narrate the bloody mess! Also! Don Johnson! Steven Seagal! Cheech Marin! Tom Savini! It's completely ridiculous how many famous actors are crammed into this movie! Except Devon Aoki! That is NOT—repeat NOT—Devon Aoki! I almost forgot Lindsey Lohan! Who gets naked! As do other ladies, some more and some less full-frontally!

It's an all-star commentary with myself, John of Sofa Dogs and Josh of Soulless Minions! We love the film, the cast, Star Trek, and pretty much everything else, so join us for the fun! We analyze the Trek and other sci-fi references, the careful setup and payoff of the screenplay, and how the effects hold up even from yea-back in 1999. John talks about his Brush With Shatner, Josh brings the hardcore Trek nerdery, and I invent the word "blusterbuss" (tm).

Bond is back and Connery is playing him! It's the one-off Thunderball remake of sorts that comes, as all great things do, courtesy of a contentious lawsuit. It's the goulash of Bond films, with a little of everything and all, surprisingly, in about the right measure. The music is bad but the gadgets are good, the babes are bodacious, and the villain is batshit crazy with a hint of whimsy. I analyze the differences and striking similarities in the structure and plotting, compare it to other Bond films, assess the Bondiness of Connery's 12-years-later Bond, and question why he's now working for the Jackal.

Roger Corman is back, and he brought Dinocroc with him! It's the 2004 monster movie Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and again and again)! Shimmy as the Scooby-Doo trap is sprung! I get my superhot-women-with-serpentine-features mixed up (and give my recommendations for worm-based Scottish folk rock). I compare the film to all the usual suspects and desperately try to have fun with it in general. It's no Sharktopus, but it will have to do.

Join me and my special guests Josh and Justin from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy on a magical trip thru some Medieval fantasyland or other. It's the heartwarming story of a humble peasant (who is totally not a hobbit or a moisture farmer) who goes on a quest that has nothing to do with destroying an evil overlord or saving an adult princess. Along the way, he gains an item of mystical power (which is not at all a ring of invisibility or a laser sword) and teams up with a pair of comical sidekicks (who are clearly not hobbits or robots) as well as a loveable rogue (who is definitely not a ranger of royal descent or a smuggler in trouble with a gangster) and gets magical help from a wise and mystical old mentor (who is in no way an old magic-wielding wizard or an old sword-wielding mystical monk). We discuss the novelization and possible inspirations, explore its themes and tone, and weigh its strengths and weaknesses. We like the film a lot but also have a lot of fun with it. I can't remember most of the char

It's another Trek! Join the Doctor and me again for the one where Spock swears and Kirk fails to score and the rest of the crew does an amazing job of stealing some whales: a.k.a. "the corny one." Nevertheless, the Doctor and I enjoy it enormously and don't poke too much fun at its premise of a giant space Tootsie Roll menacing Earth with a really loud stereo and traveling back in time to bring back whales to talk to it. It's just ridiculous, but the jokes are actually mostly funny, and the characters are great.

The Asylum is back, and they're bringing the scares for Halloween! Join me as I watch A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea, the value of renovating bathrooms and kitchens, the rules of daytime vs nighttime haunting, the texting skills of 1950s ghosts, and the curious love of landscape pictures the family has. Along the way, I quail in fear and disgust at actors' dirty feet, determine which of the Van Dykes is the least Van Dykey, decide that I want to see woolly mammoth ghosts, come to the conclusion that I may need to murder someone in my own house to give it atmosphere, and lay some word-nerdery on you.

John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs Podcast and I have a good time with the commandos vs zombies picture Resident Evil. We prepare to take it apart but— but— for all its flaws, we basically love the damn thing. So join us as we examine the structure, the references to the game and to Alice in Wonderland, the cribs from other action films, and which handsome white dude is which. We speculate as to why the commandos would leave their gas masks and take the people they're "rescuing" deeper into danger, why Alice decided on combat boots instead of heels, and why the the Red Queen wants to chop everyone's head off so badly. And we try to figure out who just got killed and who really remembers what when, and and whether or not Michelle Rodriguez plays the tough, streetwise kitty in the 2008 direct-to-video A Cat's Tale.

Bond is back again for lucky number 13! Yes, it's still Roger Moore cranking out the cheeky remarks. This time, 007 must stop a ring of international smugglers/circus folk auctioning off—and buying back—priceless Russian treasures, altho why he cares I don't know. They're not British treasures, after all. The women are beautiful—except for the creepy one whom I suspect to be a snake in a wig—and the villains and stunts are passable if not spectacular. The sets are likewise lacking in scale, but at least the plot and plot devices are mostly believable. I examine the origin of "Octopussy" and whether or not she's a stronger character than other Bond women—such as the other Bond woman who looked exactly like her—and also the wisdom of taking several minutes to put on clown makeup when it leaves you with a mere 90 seconds to save a big chunk of Germany.

John Pavlich and I watch the low-budget King-Darabont horror The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving... at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and still give credit where credit is due. We try to figure out exactly what bugs* us about it and what could have been done to fix it. We compare it to High Noon, "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street", Alien, and Footloose. And I sing a little Joan Baez. So... don't miss that.

Join the Doctor from Speakeasy and me as we watch one of the most influential film noir movies of all time. Thrill to the dark, rainy setting! Gasp at the rumpled trenchcoats! Stand in awe of the game of 20 questions! We dissect the film as sci-fi as well as film noir. We attempt to determine what "blades" are being "run". We compare the film to other sci-fi movies, other Ridley Scott movies, and other Philip K Dick stories. And we discuss the possibility of Deckard being a replicant—which he DEFINITELY IS NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID, RIDLEY SCOTT.

Join me (or don't; seriously) as I take my first look at Jonah Hex, the heartwarming story of a disfigured man who finds love with a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and yet abandons her. Also, John Malkovich tries to destroy America with his liberal agenda. And by "liberal" I mean the liberal application of cannon fire. Note, however, that he does this with a boat and not something crazy like a giant mechanical spider and entertaining dialog. Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex because it would have been silly to cast, say, Will Smith in the role of a cowboy given a mission to save the country by President Grant. Aiden Quinn is President Grant because Kevin Kline wasn't available. And Megan Fox is the girl who helps out but doesn't stay with him because Salma Hayak was not orange enough.

One, two, Freddy's comin' for you and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp's debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film to others of its type and to the remake. And we forgive any and all faults with the possible exception of John Saxon's comb-over. Listen as we deconstruct the film as an allegory for young adulthood, parental neglect, fear of the dark, female empowerment, and unwanted hat pregnancy. And don't miss Roger Rabbit's poster of a kitty riding a trolley!

WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!! Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone.

Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming's short stories and cobble something together that is... pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but there's also nothing much to really hate—except the idiotic Blofeld appearance at the beginning. I examine the construction of the plot, defend it against those who say it's too much like From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn't much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol's, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps.

Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and "flesh" and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon. We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest.

The Asylum is back! And without commercials! And that guy from Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slightly-further-south. Join me as I watch it for the first time and gradually figure out what city (or what coast, for that matter) the film is set in (I wasn't paying a lot of attention at the beginning). I analyze the motives of the protagonists (survive; get daughter) and the antagonists (smash whichever coast we're set in). Along the way, I make up a background for the mysterious and otherwise creditless director Travis Fort. I wax poetical about the various vehicles the characters travel in. I contemplate the dangers of "snornados". I say some things that might get me beaten up the next time I go to New York (our nation's capital), New Jersey (its retarded brother), and Canada (it only has two cities and its savage people worship glaciers). And I imagine other (

Join me as I join the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock's mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked racism in the Federation, and the meanness of wrapping reborn people in their own death shrouds. We also discuss whether or not McCoy almost accidentally picks up an alien prostitute, whether or not Scotty is basically R2D2, and whether or not Kirk answers Spock's question honestly when Spock asks "The ship safe?" And along the way, you'll learn which scientific discoveries the Doctor condemns as dangerously unpredictable and why my first sexual experience was like Spock's.

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we watch Johnny Utah go toe to toe with Elrond with a little help from Cowboy Curtis in the 1999 emo action thriller that started a revolution! We wax philosophical over dreamscapes, simulations, body horror, the juxtaposition of old and new technology, and the wearing of super cool sunglasses at night! I reveal my secret Internet hacker name, John reveals what Star Wars films he has not seen, and we both examine what works and what doesn't quite work for each of us. We discuss the sequels a little bit when they inform this film, but most take the movie on its own terms. John is momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Carrie-Anne Moss' boobs in Red Planet; I am momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Katie Holmes' boobs in The Gift.

Michael Lonsdale is back! And this time he's the good guy, tracking down an international killer known only by the code name "Hello Sailor!" or whatever the French equivalent is. Join me as, despite my cold, I put on a perfect French accent (London, France, to be exact) and cue up this tense Cold-War-era thriller about how terrible the French army is at killing people. Despite the flabby meticulous plotting and the long luxurious running time, the pacing is excellent. I explore what could have been cut without hurting the film and what could have been tightened up to help it. And I mock the hilarious French cars. Oh, and bonus if you watch along with me: French ta-tas. Ooh la la!