Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/movie-mastery-it.mp3 Something evil is haunting the town of Derry, Maine. It’s a clown that really likes fucking with the protagonists. Can Jon overcome his love of the original Tim Curry It? Can Jef overcome the fact that he hates horror movies and movies in general? Only one way to find out.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/movie-mastery-13th-warrior.mp3 It turns out that not every single person that makes a suggestion for the show ends up trying to get us to watch the absolute worst nonsense available. This time we got to watch an actual decent movie adaptation of a Michael Crichton book.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/movie-mastery-dungeon-siege.mp3 At some point in time Uwe Boll watched The Lord of the Rings and thought to himself, “Hey, I could do that.” Using the barest connection to a video game and some tax loopholes; he was finally able to create the poor man’s LotR. Like, the poorest man. A man so poor he can’t afford to pay attention.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/movie-mastery-dark-tower.mp3 There are other worlds than these. In one of those worlds, there was probably an adaptation of this well beloved series that received critical acclaim and went on to be like The Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Sadly, this world will probably see this as a one-and-done semi-sequel that most people were lukewarm to at best.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/movie-mastery-valerian.mp3 Most of your favorite sci-fi has likely borrowed something from the hugely influential comic series Valerian and Laureline. Now see the adaptation of the source material that has the bravery to turn intrepid space hero Valerian into a sleazy Pick-up Artist and his competent companion/friend Laureline into a sarcastic bikini model.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/movie-mastery-rock-a-doodle.mp3 Get ready for an animated musical that features all of your favorite things from the genre including: Songs that last 10 seconds, useless main characters, and a total lack of moral or lesson to be learned. Don Bluth presents Rooster Elvis & Sex Chicken: A Musical Love Story.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-dd-scourge-of-worlds.mp3 Join us on a magical adventure where YOU decide what happens! Well…not, you. I mean, WE decided what would happen. We had the controller and all. Anyway, it’s a choose your own adventure style cgi animated D&D movie that looks atrocious and is just as well acted.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-the-mummy-2017.mp3 It’s time to enter a new Dark Universe. One where all the old horror movie monsters have been turned into super villains that aging action heroes must combat for the fate of the world. Get ready for car chases, explosions, and Tom Cruise running.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-baywatch.mp3 Normally seeing that The Rock is in a movie is an assurance that it will at least be somewhat charming, if nothing else. The greatest sin of this movie isn’t the shitty script, lazy jokes, or underwhelming action. No, it’s that they managed to make Dwayne Johnson boring.

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-tiptoes.mp3 Yes, ok, Gary Oldman has great range and can do many characters. That said, making him walk around on his knees and pretend to be a little person is just terrible. You even had Peter Dinklage RIGHT THERE. Goddammit, movie.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-fateful-findings.mp3 Take a journey into the fever dream of Neil Breen. Where no plot point is too stupid to be included and no detail is too interesting to suddenly ignore entirely. A land where novelists are also the world’s best hackers and ghosts are just here to show you a book you don’t care about.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/movie-mastery-fate-of-the-furious.mp3 Yet more Vin Diesel action in this movie that is a culmination of what the series has done so far. Which is drive fast, blow stuff up, and have some really cool people say some really stupid dialogue.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/movie-mastery-laser-mission.mp3 Time to delve into the mysterious world of espionage carried out by incompetent, non-government agents-for-hire. Can Michael get the diamond before the super weapon is built? Can nepotism overcome how awful this movie is to ensure Brandon Lee keeps getting work? All these questions and more answered here.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/movie-mastery-power-rangers.mp3 Come fellows, it is the time of morphing!  That’s what they always said, right?  I’m not a 90s kid or whatever you needed to be to care about this.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/movie-mastery-freddy-got-fingered.mp3 This movie is the worst. Not mentioned in the review but a running “gag” in the film is his neighbor’s kid keeps getting horribly mangled by things. This managed to be one of the least terrible bits. Yup.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/movie-mastery-50-shades-darker.mp3 Quick warning on this one: If you don’t want to hear about emotionally abusive relationships or really terrible sex, give this one a pass.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/movie-mastery-blood-punch.mp3 Think about the concept of Groundhog’s Day but it’s an action thriller movie. Got it? Ok, now instead of the super rad thing you imagined; think of the dullest version of that movie. Congrats. You’re ready to take a big swig of Blood Punch.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/movie-mastery-xxx-return-of-xander-cage.mp3 When the world is in peril and all seems lost; there is only one man that the U.S. Government can turn to. Xander Cage and his power of sassy extreme sports. Can his team of inept Xtreme morons win against a team of equal Xtreme-ness? Find out now!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/movie-mastery-judge-dredd.mp3 A pretty horrible take on the property but it’s still probably better than the first two times they tried to make a Punisher movie. Also, for the mythology nerds out there, I know Bellerophon killed the Chimera not the Manticore. How does that reference come up, you ask? Better listen!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-assassins-creed.mp3 The Assassin’s Creed games are all about the epic struggle between two secret societies in a deadly struggle for the fate of mankind. The Assassin’s Creed movie is all about Michael Fassbender confusedly walking around in scrubs.