Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-baywatch.mp3 Normally seeing that The Rock is in a movie is an assurance that it will at least be somewhat charming, if nothing else. The greatest sin of this movie isn’t the shitty script, lazy jokes, or underwhelming action. No, it’s that they managed to make Dwayne Johnson boring.

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-tiptoes.mp3 Yes, ok, Gary Oldman has great range and can do many characters. That said, making him walk around on his knees and pretend to be a little person is just terrible. You even had Peter Dinklage RIGHT THERE. Goddammit, movie.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-fateful-findings.mp3 Take a journey into the fever dream of Neil Breen. Where no plot point is too stupid to be included and no detail is too interesting to suddenly ignore entirely. A land where novelists are also the world’s best hackers and ghosts are just here to show you a book you don’t care about.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/movie-mastery-fate-of-the-furious.mp3 Yet more Vin Diesel action in this movie that is a culmination of what the series has done so far. Which is drive fast, blow stuff up, and have some really cool people say some really stupid dialogue.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/movie-mastery-laser-mission.mp3 Time to delve into the mysterious world of espionage carried out by incompetent, non-government agents-for-hire. Can Michael get the diamond before the super weapon is built? Can nepotism overcome how awful this movie is to ensure Brandon Lee keeps getting work? All these questions and more answered here.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/movie-mastery-power-rangers.mp3 Come fellows, it is the time of morphing!  That’s what they always said, right?  I’m not a 90s kid or whatever you needed to be to care about this.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/movie-mastery-freddy-got-fingered.mp3 This movie is the worst. Not mentioned in the review but a running “gag” in the film is his neighbor’s kid keeps getting horribly mangled by things. This managed to be one of the least terrible bits. Yup.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/movie-mastery-50-shades-darker.mp3 Quick warning on this one: If you don’t want to hear about emotionally abusive relationships or really terrible sex, give this one a pass.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/movie-mastery-blood-punch.mp3 Think about the concept of Groundhog’s Day but it’s an action thriller movie. Got it? Ok, now instead of the super rad thing you imagined; think of the dullest version of that movie. Congrats. You’re ready to take a big swig of Blood Punch.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/movie-mastery-xxx-return-of-xander-cage.mp3 When the world is in peril and all seems lost; there is only one man that the U.S. Government can turn to. Xander Cage and his power of sassy extreme sports. Can his team of inept Xtreme morons win against a team of equal Xtreme-ness? Find out now!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/movie-mastery-judge-dredd.mp3 A pretty horrible take on the property but it’s still probably better than the first two times they tried to make a Punisher movie. Also, for the mythology nerds out there, I know Bellerophon killed the Chimera not the Manticore. How does that reference come up, you ask? Better listen!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-assassins-creed.mp3 The Assassin’s Creed games are all about the epic struggle between two secret societies in a deadly struggle for the fate of mankind. The Assassin’s Creed movie is all about Michael Fassbender confusedly walking around in scrubs.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-saving-christmas.mp3 Kirk Cameron takes some time off from his lucrative rap career to let everyone know what the holidays are really all about. Rampant, unbridled consumerism with a thin veneer of religion slapped on top.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-fantastic-beasts-and-where-to-find-them.mp3 Now our review of the latest installment in the Harry Potter world which also ends up being Jef ranting about how much he hates magic in Harry Potter. It’s a long one but there’s a lot of unpack. Do you get it? Unpack? He has a suitcase with beasts in it? You get it.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/movie-mastery-dragonlance.mp3 It’s Dungeon’s and Dragons but now it’s in cartoon form. No, not that terrible show from the 80’s. It’s the terrible movie from 2008. Be amazed as actual decent voice talent is lost in a sea of generic fantasy music and shitty editing.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/movie-mastery-stealth.mp3 Three sassy, sexy Navy pilots that play by their own rules are tasked with hunting down an experimental jet powered by an AI that goes haywire and now it plays by its own rules. The only rule is: There are no rules! Guest starring apples.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/movie-mastery-horrortoberfest-shin-godzilla.mp3 Well, we tried, buit this is in no way a horror movie.  It’s an interesting movie.  It’s a cool movie.  It definitely has a monster in it.  But it’s not a horror movie.  That’s okay though, it’s still White Ween. *Here is a brief list of things that Jef said that were wrong so you don’t need to email us about them.  First Godzilla movie:  1954, not 1951.  First American Godzilla movie: 1998, not 2004.  Jef once forgot how old he was for an entire year.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/movie-mastery-horrortoberfest-the-witch-2015.mp3 Hey, remember how much good press this movie received?  People were all like “Oooh, it’s not found footage” “Oooh it isn’t connected to Joss Whedon!”  Well, here it is on Horrortoberfest now.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/movie-mastery-bridget-joness-baby.mp3 A movie with no stakes and no tension. Thrill as Bridget Jones much choose between a handsome, rich man who loves her or a different handsome, rich man that loves her. What happens when these two suitors meet? Nothing. Nothing happens.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/movie-mastery-dragonfyre.mp3 When orcs begin to invade our world, it’s up to the Poor Man’s Mark Wahlberg to stop them. He will be helped by a Porn Star in Spock Ears, a Native American Stereotype, and some redneck named Scooter. But will it be enough to stop the Ineffectual Mummy Witch? Find out here.