Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/06/movie-mastery-in-theatres-now-the-angry-birds-movie1.mp3 Well, it’s certainly in theaters right now.  Did you know this is the highest-grossing (in terms of domestic box office) Sean Penn movie?  Well, now you do.  Take that information and run, friends.  Angry Birds is the first incredible disappointment in what is sure to be a painful series of bad ideas, our newest feature, In Theaters Now.  You earned it with Patreon, and now we have to go watch terrible movies that are in theatres based on your poll choices.  Every month.  Here, you can vote on the June movie right here, right now!  Thanks again for your support, and we’ll let you know when we’re not still mad about birds.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/movie-mastery-screamers.mp3 On a distant planet, some bullshit happens and then nobody pays attention to it anymore because oh holy hell! There are crazy robos attacking and they could be anyone but probably the ones they spoil in the trailer.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/movie-mastery-mazes-and-monsters-1982.mp3 Dare ye enter the magical realm of what filmmakers in the early 80s thought RPGs looked like?  It’s a terrifying world of whiny yuppie children and blaming mental illness on games.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/movie-mastery-the-adventures-of-ford-fairlane.mp3 Old Mother Hubbard, lived in a cupboard, thrilled that she didn’t own a TV and was at no risk of ever even accidentally seeing any of this depressing, rapey, anti-funny ego trip of a movie.  It’s The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, the movie designed to make Andrew Dice Clay look good according to the well-honed sensibilities of Andrew Dice Clay.  It’s pretty dire.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/movie-mastery-ewoks-battle-for-endor-1985.mp3 Yes, I know this is the second one.  We roll randomly, remember?  We’ll get to Caravan of Courage at some point.  Today, Movie Mastery covers the best Star Wars movie with Wilford Brimley and a mutant Flash Rabbit in it.  Journey back to 1985 with us, and try to remember a time when people were so starved for Star Wars content that they’d watch this.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-special-bvs-dawn-of-justice.mp3   We’ve had it as a stretch goal on the Patreon for a while and since we were getting close, we’ve decided to give you a little taste of what you could be in store for in the near future. The dark, gritty Movie Mastery reboot where there are no jokes and we only record the sound of dark grey and blue.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-a-talking-cat.mp3   The second internet famously bad movie we’ve gotten in a row. Only we know something no other reviewer knows. We know the dark secret that surrounds the filming location of A Talking Cat!?! We understand that it could have been so, so much worse.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-foodfight.mp3   Celebrity voices and product placement come together with the cheapest animation possible to create a devastating whirlwind, the outcome of which is the shittiest movie imaginable. Prepare to be amazed at a movie that fails in every conceivable fashion: Foodfight!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/movie-mastery-steel.mp3 This is weird, right?  Because you had totally forgotten this movie?  And now you’re all “Oh yeah, Steel!  I didn’t go see that.  Looked really bad, and it came out like three months after Batman & Robin, so I was already pretty mad at DC Comics in general.  Yet here this is.  Still available for you to watch.  Still bearing a rap song about the lead character featuring the lead actor doing some of the rapping, and still bearing the inscrutable tag line “Man. Metal. Hero.”  This is Steel.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/movie-mastery-scooby-doo-and-kiss-rock-and-roll-mystery.mp3 It’s genuinely unusual that even when the Scooby of today meets a celebrity, it’s a celebrity from the 70s.  Anyway, here’s Scooby-Doo and KISS: Rock and Roll Mystery.  Though if you ask me, I’ll tell you the real mystery is how both of us grown men had managed to convince ourselves that Gene Simmons was the lead singer of KISS instead of just their weird gross bassist.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-mommie-dearest-1981.mp3 An old friend drops by the show to help us review a movie she made us watch in the first place.  Claire joins us for Mommie Dearest, a bizarre, slowly-paced melodrama from the early 80s that’s really more useful as fashion guide and Futurama joke fodder than anything else.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-soul-man-1986.mp3 This movie was harder to find that the Holiday Special, and what we can learn from that is that someone needs to work harder at hiding this, because it’s horrible, and needs to be kept away from people, and the light of day.  This is the story of a douchebag who thinks that blackface is perfectly acceptable if it means he doesn’t have to get a job, and the various people in his life who reward him for this.  Enjoy.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-santa-with-muscles-1996.mp3 Oh boy, it’s Hulk Hogan!  According to that poster, we know he goes sleeveless, doesn’t like buttoning up, and gives some very harmless looking dudes the business.  I mean, look at those dudes.  That guy on the left is only guilty of the 90s crime of dressing in tucked in layers.  This is the final film in our 2015 Holidayathon extravaganza, so next episode is back to free for all rules!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-star-wars-holiday-special.mp3 So this thing is internet famous as a bizarre travesty against Star Wars right?  Kind of like a Jar-Jar 1978.  What the internet won’t normally tell you about the holiday special is that it is crushingly, painfully boring.  Dicking around a cellphone isn’t enough to survive this thing in one viewing, you’re going to need a tablet, a second TV playing something better, carolers outside your window and every caroler is Gilbert Gottfried… something along those lines.  Anyway, we watched it!  FOR YOU!  Now you don’t have to!  Special thanks to horrible friend of the show Double Vekh for this idea.  

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-christmas-with-the-kranks.mp3 There are three Movie Mastery episodes this December, and you can be sure that every single one of them will be a holiday themed film.  There’s no genre of film that Jef hates more, so these should be great.  Kicking it off, here’s Christmas with the Kranks, the movie guaranteed to make you hate white people, rich people, people in general, things, the concept of Christmas, and existence itself. Got an idea for a horrible holiday movie?  The bar may be set pretty high, but don’t let that stop you from sending in your recommendations!  There’s still two movies to go this December, you can beat those odds!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-sinbad-of-the-seven-seas.mp3 Hot off his recent triumphant return to the role of the Incredible Hulk (in a movie where he fights Thor, you should go check it out), Lou Ferrigno hits the silver screen with his starring role in what is DEFINITELY a Cannon Films production, Sinbad of the Seven Seas.  Thrill as he flexes his way out of all sorts of stupid shenanigans!  Marvel at the neverending narration!

  https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-mechanical-violator-hakaider.mp3 Never let it be said we won’t watch some insane random thing out of some vestigial sense of self preservation.  Here, we sit down together to watch a tokusatsu film, which probably doesn’t directly translate to “All Power Rangers-y” but might as well.  Mechanical Violator Hakaider is a stoic, boring Judge Robocopinator of a weird future, and boy oh boy, is he ever bulletproof.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrortoberfest-day-22-woman-in-black-2-2014.mp3 Ooh what a scary poster of a moment that doesn’t occur in the film at all!  In this picture a bunch of british WW2 orphans are shipped off to the dumbest possible location for an orphanage, and then ghost stuff starts happening.  Probably.  The film could really use a flashlight, or a full moon, anything that emits light.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrotoberfest-day-15-the-house-at-the-end-of-time-2013.mp3 This week we review a Venezuelan horror film from the depths of Netflix. This seems like it is going to be a standard, paint-by-numbers haunted house flick but there is a twist. The twist is that we finally got a horror movie that Jef doesn’t hate.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrortoberfest-day-8-the-mirror.mp3 It’s a movie about an evil mirror but not the ones that might have popped into your head. This movie takes the bold new stance that would should really happen in a horror movie is nothing. The most evil thing this mirror did was cause this movie to be made.