Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/movie-mastery-suicide-squad.mp3 Turns out that once you get us talking about super hero related stuff we just will not shut up for any reason. This one is a super long Movie Mastery where we dissect the jumbled mess that really wants to be like a Marvel movie but is more like Guardians of the GaLAZY! Ha! Be sure to tip your waitress.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/movie-mastery-speed-racer-2008.mp3 This movie is sincerely lacking in Tim Curry.  I know what you’re thinking, which is that most movies are sincerely lacking in Tim Curry, but you feel it a lot more in this one.  We’ll explain why that’s the case, and also expound deeply on out hatred for Spridle, on today’s review of Speed Racer.

Find out who was right about this movie. Was it terrible like the angry white men on the internet that refused to see it said or was it good like literally everyone else has said? https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/movie-mastery-ghostbusters-20161.mp3

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/movie-mastery-howard-the-duck-1986.mp3 It was 1985, and with two years separating George Lucas from Return of the Jedi, it was a sure bet the world was his oyster, and he could make any movie he wanted.  No license would be denied him, no actor could possibly turn him down.  He was the brightest star in the sky, and so naturally he decided to turn to the Sal Mayerik/Steve Gerber 1972 creation that no one had ever heard of, Howard the Duck.  And here it is.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/06/movie-mastery-the-wizard-1989.mp3 Well, we’ve covered two Dungeons and Dragons movies, Mazes and Monsters, and Wizards, so I guess at this point we’re just getting titles that even sort of remind people of nerd stuff.  It’s that Fred Savage movie you only remember because of the power glove scene on today’s System Mastery.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/06/in-theatres-now-warcraft-2016.mp3 More work?  Yes, my lords.  We watched the Warcraft movie because it’s clearly winning the June In Theaters Now poll.  It was a lazy day around here, and something need doing, anyway.  So join us, won’t you, for a dour joyless slog through grim Game of Thronesy Azeroth, in a movie inexplicably based on a game that is basically a massive mapped out collection of jokes.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/06/movie-mastery-in-theatres-now-the-angry-birds-movie1.mp3 Well, it’s certainly in theaters right now.  Did you know this is the highest-grossing (in terms of domestic box office) Sean Penn movie?  Well, now you do.  Take that information and run, friends.  Angry Birds is the first incredible disappointment in what is sure to be a painful series of bad ideas, our newest feature, In Theaters Now.  You earned it with Patreon, and now we have to go watch terrible movies that are in theatres based on your poll choices.  Every month.  Here, you can vote on the June movie right here, right now!  Thanks again for your support, and we’ll let you know when we’re not still mad about birds.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/movie-mastery-screamers.mp3 On a distant planet, some bullshit happens and then nobody pays attention to it anymore because oh holy hell! There are crazy robos attacking and they could be anyone but probably the ones they spoil in the trailer.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/movie-mastery-mazes-and-monsters-1982.mp3 Dare ye enter the magical realm of what filmmakers in the early 80s thought RPGs looked like?  It’s a terrifying world of whiny yuppie children and blaming mental illness on games.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/movie-mastery-the-adventures-of-ford-fairlane.mp3 Old Mother Hubbard, lived in a cupboard, thrilled that she didn’t own a TV and was at no risk of ever even accidentally seeing any of this depressing, rapey, anti-funny ego trip of a movie.  It’s The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, the movie designed to make Andrew Dice Clay look good according to the well-honed sensibilities of Andrew Dice Clay.  It’s pretty dire.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/movie-mastery-ewoks-battle-for-endor-1985.mp3 Yes, I know this is the second one.  We roll randomly, remember?  We’ll get to Caravan of Courage at some point.  Today, Movie Mastery covers the best Star Wars movie with Wilford Brimley and a mutant Flash Rabbit in it.  Journey back to 1985 with us, and try to remember a time when people were so starved for Star Wars content that they’d watch this.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-special-bvs-dawn-of-justice.mp3   We’ve had it as a stretch goal on the Patreon for a while and since we were getting close, we’ve decided to give you a little taste of what you could be in store for in the near future. The dark, gritty Movie Mastery reboot where there are no jokes and we only record the sound of dark grey and blue.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-a-talking-cat.mp3   The second internet famously bad movie we’ve gotten in a row. Only we know something no other reviewer knows. We know the dark secret that surrounds the filming location of A Talking Cat!?! We understand that it could have been so, so much worse.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-foodfight.mp3   Celebrity voices and product placement come together with the cheapest animation possible to create a devastating whirlwind, the outcome of which is the shittiest movie imaginable. Prepare to be amazed at a movie that fails in every conceivable fashion: Foodfight!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/movie-mastery-steel.mp3 This is weird, right?  Because you had totally forgotten this movie?  And now you’re all “Oh yeah, Steel!  I didn’t go see that.  Looked really bad, and it came out like three months after Batman & Robin, so I was already pretty mad at DC Comics in general.  Yet here this is.  Still available for you to watch.  Still bearing a rap song about the lead character featuring the lead actor doing some of the rapping, and still bearing the inscrutable tag line “Man. Metal. Hero.”  This is Steel.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/movie-mastery-scooby-doo-and-kiss-rock-and-roll-mystery.mp3 It’s genuinely unusual that even when the Scooby of today meets a celebrity, it’s a celebrity from the 70s.  Anyway, here’s Scooby-Doo and KISS: Rock and Roll Mystery.  Though if you ask me, I’ll tell you the real mystery is how both of us grown men had managed to convince ourselves that Gene Simmons was the lead singer of KISS instead of just their weird gross bassist.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-mommie-dearest-1981.mp3 An old friend drops by the show to help us review a movie she made us watch in the first place.  Claire joins us for Mommie Dearest, a bizarre, slowly-paced melodrama from the early 80s that’s really more useful as fashion guide and Futurama joke fodder than anything else.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-soul-man-1986.mp3 This movie was harder to find that the Holiday Special, and what we can learn from that is that someone needs to work harder at hiding this, because it’s horrible, and needs to be kept away from people, and the light of day.  This is the story of a douchebag who thinks that blackface is perfectly acceptable if it means he doesn’t have to get a job, and the various people in his life who reward him for this.  Enjoy.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-santa-with-muscles-1996.mp3 Oh boy, it’s Hulk Hogan!  According to that poster, we know he goes sleeveless, doesn’t like buttoning up, and gives some very harmless looking dudes the business.  I mean, look at those dudes.  That guy on the left is only guilty of the 90s crime of dressing in tucked in layers.  This is the final film in our 2015 Holidayathon extravaganza, so next episode is back to free for all rules!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-star-wars-holiday-special.mp3 So this thing is internet famous as a bizarre travesty against Star Wars right?  Kind of like a Jar-Jar 1978.  What the internet won’t normally tell you about the holiday special is that it is crushingly, painfully boring.  Dicking around a cellphone isn’t enough to survive this thing in one viewing, you’re going to need a tablet, a second TV playing something better, carolers outside your window and every caroler is Gilbert Gottfried… something along those lines.  Anyway, we watched it!  FOR YOU!  Now you don’t have to!  Special thanks to horrible friend of the show Double Vekh for this idea.