Hold Up

1998 was quite a year, we got Celebrity Deathmatch, learned that Sonny Bono couldn’t ski, and we received John Frankenheimer’s spy thriller/car-chase extravaganza, Ronin. Ronin is the story of a patchwork group of specialized espionage agents who are tasked with stealing a briefcase from a group of well-armed somebodies. This flick stars an ensemble cast featuring Robert DeNiro, Jean Reno, Sean Bean, and some other familiar faces that can really deliver on screen. A modest success, Ronin brought in a scritch over $70 million on a $55 million budget and mostly positive reviews but, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate whether this one has fulfilled its honour or should have committed seppuku.

In 1998 Guy Ritchie wrote and directed his first feature film in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. LS&2SB stars Jason Statham in his first acting role, Sting (kinda), and many other faces who would later star in Guy Ritchie’s follow-up, Snatch. LS&2SB is a comedy crime story which focuses around a group of friends who lose their stake in a high stakes poker game and now owe big money to a big time criminal/porn kingpin. They need to find a pile of money fast and you’ll need to bring a compass and a notepad to follow along as this flick takes a lot of turns with a lot of characters.  LS&2SB was made for a budget of $1.35 million and brought in a staggering $28 million return and a lot of fanfare and critical accolades. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate confusing plots and the sweet release of getting beat to death with a dildo as we try to figure out if this one is the nuts or an all-out bluff. 

In ’96 Rob Reiner released Stand by Me a movie based on a Stephen King novel about four boys who go looking for a body and end up with something more, lyme disease. Okay, maybe not lyme disease but they definitely learn something about themselves during their journey. Stand by Me stars Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Jerry O’Connell, Kiefer Sutherland, John Cusack, Richard Dreyfuss, and a dead kid. Stand by Me was a box office success, received well critically, and remains a big part of a generation’s youth, but does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss dead kids and sick balls as we figure out if this one is worth the adventure or if we should let it rot by the creek.

In 1989 Edward Zwick directed the American war drama “Glory” about one of the first black infantry regiments following the abolishment of slavery. It’s a tale that starts out with Robert Gould Shaw (based on his letters) but soon focuses on the brave black men who risked everything to join up and fight the South. It was nominated for 5 Academy Awards and showcases an amazing performance from a young Denzel Washington. It also stars Matthew Broderick, Morgan Freeman, Cary Elwes, and Andre Braugher. It was praised for it’s writing, directing, cinematography, score and editing…but does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent discuss the finer points of this period war drama to see if it carries the flag with pride, or if this piece of history should be forgotten in the past.

In 1998 Tony Kaye’s powerful directorial debut American History X was released. The film stars Edward Norton, Edward Furlong, Beverly D’Angelo, and a few other known faces in supporting roles. American History X features the story of two brothers, Derek and Danny, who are deeply ingrained in a neo-Nazi organization. Derek, played by Norton, is newly released from prison for manslaughter after killing some would-be car thieves, and Danny is a student still living in his shadow and is tasked with writing an essay on his brothers’ incarceration. Derek has since become enlightened and aims to take his family in a new direction away from the hatred and small-mindedness of the racist gang. What follows is a complicated exploration of his history and his first day out trying to undo the harm of his racist past and heal his family. American History X was released to much critical acclaim and scored Norton an Oscar nomination for Best Actor. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss brainwashing

In 1993 Sam Raimi released the last in the Evil Dead trilogy with Army of Darkness. This time Ash is teleported to the middle ages and must retrieve the Necronomicon in order to save a couple of kingdoms from the evil that has plagued them and return him to his time. Army of Darkness stars the incomparable Bruce Campbell and no one else you’d recognize. It won the 1994 Saturn Award for Best Horror film, made $21 million from an $11 million budget, features a score by the awesome Danny Elfman, and maintains a huge cult following. But, does it hold up? Listen is as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate the evil and the dead and do our best to figure out which this is.

In 1997, James Cameron released Titanic, a movie whose name describes the level of patience you need to sit through a 3-hour movie about a slowly sinking boat. Titanic features some big names in Leo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, and the Kathy Bates. Leo and Kate play Jack and Rose, a pair of unlikely lovers who capture each other's attention despite being from opposite sides of the tracks, or floors of the boat, as it were. Kate is engaged to a huge douche and despises the constraints of high society. Leo is a charismatic street kid who flies through life by the seat of his pants. Also, there is a boat and *spoiler alert* it sinks. Titanic was made for $200 million and brought in an absolutely stunning $2.194 billion in the box office and made a bunch of people sit in ice water in their tubs. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss unchecked power and listening to granny’s fuck stories as we decide if this one sinks or swims.

The ‘80s were pretty much a grey smudge on history. Blown out hair, keyboard guitars, and cocaine binges ravaged the cultural landscape and led to more than a few weird experiments. Despite all of that, and probably thanks to cocaine, we got Oliver Stone’s Platoon in 1986. Platoon is the story of Charlie Sheen and his two dads in Vietnam. Willem Dafoe and Tom Berenger star as the two dads, his squad and platoon leaders, and polar opposites of the moral compass, and Sheen must decide to either keep his humanity or lose it to endure hell. Or maybe that’s just me. Platoon made a whopping $138 million from a $6 million budget and received critical acclaim and recently was selected for preservation in the Library of Congress’s National Film Registry. But does it hold up? (feels like a weird question after all that, right?) Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate if feeling good is good enough as we decide whether this one holds up or gets overrun.

In 1989 Joe Dante brought us a rare moment in cinema that captured a bit of suspense, a smidge of horror, and a pile of comedy in The Burbs. Starring Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Corey Feldman, and Carrie Fisher, this movie brought a lot of star power into Dante’s sometimes capable hands. When their elderly neighbour, Walter, goes missing, three neighbours suspect foul play from their odd, ghoulish, neighbours, the Klopeks. What follows is a string of wild attempts by the inept would-be detectives as they try to catch the Klopeks red-handed. The Burbs made a meagre $49 million from an $18 million budget and was not overly well received by the critics. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate giving up on life and annoying neighbours as we try to decide if we should save the neighbourhood for Cory Feldman’s entertainment, or if they should have just left this one buried in the backyard with the ‘80s.

Today we look at David Fincher’s critically acclaimed and creepy as fuck 1995 thriller, Seven. This crime-thriller stars Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, Gwyneth Paltrow, and an unbilled Keyser Soze…I mean Kevin Spacey…was included as John Doe. Seven is the story of a serial killer who is selecting targets and punishing them due to their guilt for each of the seven deadly sins while two detectives race to catch him. John Doe effectively makes himself an agent for God’s criminal justice system and a real buzzkill for free spirits and hippies alike. Made for $33 million, Seven brought home an astounding $327 million in the box office and scarred a generation of people. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss Schrodinger’s cat and what’s in the box as they try to see if this one holds up, or should be brutally tortured and dismembered in the good lord’s name.

What does sitting through church without rolling your eyes and Brian de Palma’s 1996 action spy flick have in common?  They’re both Mission Impossible! Alright, a bit of a reach there but there was no time to waste! Mission Impossible is de Palma’s 1996 blockbuster spy movie featuring Tom Cruise, Jean Reno, Ving Rhames, and Jon Voight. Cruise stars as Mike’s brother, Ethan Hunt, a super spy who has been disavowed by his agency after being framed for the murders of his teammates. He must now work to solve the puzzle of what happened and who’s behind it and you know what? It turns out to be pretty darn difficult. Mission Impossible was made for $80 million and brought home a whopping $457 million in the box office ending in 3rd place behind Independence Day and somehow Twister. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate prophylactic masks and plots dependent on diarrhea as we try to determine if we accept this Mission or let the glasses self destruct on our face.

In 1987 we got to see what happens when an intergalactic redneck messes with the best of the best of the best on Earth in John McTiernan’s Predator. This movie features Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dutch, the leader of an elite military rescue team, alongside Carl Weathers, Shane Black, and Jesse Ventura. When Dutch’s squad gets dispatched on a fake rescue mission by the CIA they are forced to deal with the new reality that they have become the targets of an alien hunter.  They must now make their way through the jungle to the extraction point and try to avoid all becoming victims to the predator’s superior technology and fingernails.  Made for $15 million Predator brought home $98 million from the box office and has been giving people action boners since. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss shitty eyesight and alien hair sex as we try to figure out if this one is Predator or prey.   

What would you call a guy in a dim sum restaurant with a gluten allergy and a closed bathroom?  Big trouble in little China! And that’s the movie this week, John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China starring Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, and James Hong. Kurt Russel is Jack Burton, a big talking truck driver who finds himself in Chinatown to track a gang who has kidnapped his buddy’s green-eyed girlfriend and then ends up in the middle of a gang war, which is interrupted by an ancient sorcerer and his magic henchman dressed like pagodas. Shit just gets so much crazier from there, and you’re going to have to watch it; otherwise, we’ll be here all day.  Made for $25M, this movie brought in an ulcer-inducing $11 million, and allegedly prompted John Carpenter’s decision to return to independent films, but has otherwise enjoyed a massive cult following and a surprising 79% on Rotten Tomatoes - seemingly before they became a corrupt shitbag of a site.  This is a super weird question considering everything we’ve dis

What do you get when you cross an evil John Lithgow, a failed soccer star, and a morose Sly Stallone? You get Renny Harlin’s 1993 action epic, Cliffhanger. Sly Stallone stars as Gabe Walker, an ex mountain ranger who has left his posting after his slippy fingers cause the death of a friend. When Gabe comes home to collect his things, he and Michael Rooker are roped into assisting a gang led by the evil Eric Qualen, played by John Lithgow. Qualen and his cronies need to find their bags of cash that fell from a failed sky robbery. Gabe does what any elite climber would do and decides to take out the gang while for some reason not hiding any of the money for himself later…weird. Cliffhanger features some awe-inspiring shots and made a mountain of dough, $255 million from a $70 million budget. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss how that soccer star thing never really mattered and try to determine if this flick hangs on or if we should let it drop into mediocrity.

In 1993 Marco Brambilla brought us a story of utopia, a story of dystopia, and a story of an imaginary wonderland where Taco Bell doesn’t send you to abdominal distress, Demolition Man.  Demolition Man is the tale of two men; John Spartan and the epically psychotic Simon Phoenix played by Sly Stallone and Wesley Snipes respectively. In 1996, Phoenix cuts his nose off to spite his face and creates a scenario to entrap Spartan for the death of 40 hostages while also imprisoning himself. They are both sentenced to a cryo-facility and 36 years later, Phoenix is thawed to assist with dispatching a terrorist threat. Spartan is then thawed to dispatch Phoenix when he goes on a crazy killing spree, which no one ever saw as a possibility... Demolition Man also stars the gorgeous Sandra Bullock, Benjamin Bratt, and even a little snippet of Jack Black if you look close enough. It was made for $57 million and brought in a massive box office of $159 million, but does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate

The year is 1992, and director Andrew Davis released Under Siege starring Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones, and Gary Busey.  When a corrupted officer and a band of mercenaries hijack a battleship and imprison the crew in a plot to sell its nuclear warheads, you can really only rely on one man, the cook. Steven Seagal stars as Casey Ryback, an ex-Navy Seal who is now the cook on the battleship USS Missouri since being discharged some time ago. Ryback shows his chops as he cooks up some serious ass-whooping and single-handedly broils the competition. This movie brought in a searing $156 million on a $35 million budget. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent filet the movie many call Seagal’s best as we try to determine if this well done or overcooked?

In 1990 we got gifted another Paul Verhoeven classic, Total Recall.  Total Recall stars Arnold Schwarzenegger (I spelled that right the first time!) as Quaid and/or Hauser, depending on your reality, a bored married man who is drawn to the violent and remote base on Mars for some much-needed vacation. When Quaid enters a Recall facility, a company that implants experiences on your memory, he begins to have some memory flashes and is attacked on his way home.  Once home he finds that his wife has been a fake, a member of the evil Cohaagen’s forces the whole time and was only an implant on his memory. He becomes a crossdresser and heads to Mars to find answers. Once there he gets ingrained in the resistance and the story becomes very confusing.  Is this real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a Mars fight, no escape from reality. Exploding your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeeeee, that we have no freaking idea what’s happening!!  Cohaagen has been holding on tight to Mars oxygen levels and the resistance

In 1987, Paul Michael Glaser, who apparently couldn’t just go by “Paul”, brought us a look into a dystopian future where a totalitarian government runs the United States with an iron fist and convicted criminals have to fight for their lives and freedom on TV. The Running Man stars Arnold “It’s not a tuma” Schwarzenegger as Ben Richards, a helicopter pilot who refused an order to gun down civilians and was punished with prison after the recordings of the event were doctored to make him look guilty. Arnie escapes prison, kidnaps a woman, and gets caught trying to escape to Hawaii. Blah blah blah, he ends up on a game show with a few of the freedom fighters he escaped with, and they all get sent down to a televised dungeon to fight against a group of “stalkers” which are celebrity gladiators that had their costumes made by a 1987 housewife took inspiration on the costume design from her 8-year-old son. Anywho, that woman who Ben kidnapped is caught discovering a conveniently labelled tape that proves Ben’s inno

In 1993 famed Hong Kong action director John Woo made his much-anticipated American cinema debut with Hard Target. Hard Target stars Jean-Claude van Damme as Chance Boudreaux, a Cajun fisherman/street vigilante who uses motor oil for hair gel.  After handicapping a gang of street thugs Chance is hired to help a woman find her estranged father who “went out for smokes” a bunch of years ago. She’s now tracked him to the New Orleans homeless scene, and in what would be a bit of horrible timing she shows up the day after he is hunted by a group of international sportsmen who specialize in hosting human hunts - for the truly distinguished gentleman.  Anywho, Chance needs a couple hundred bucks for a union dues so, begrudgingly, he agrees to help the woman out. Soon they uncover a group selling human hunts, led by Lance Henriksen, and become targets themselves, hard targets… So, Chance takes the girl into the backwoods to leave the girl with his Uncle, an amazing Cajun Wilford Brimley, you read that right, a goddam

This week we bring you John Flynn’s Out for Justice, a 1991 action flick brought to you by an overambitious director and an overconfident star. Out for Justice stars Steven Seagal as Gino Felino…yes, really. Gino is hell-bent on revenge after finding that his partner Bobby has been gunned down in the street like a dog by a Richie, a mobster played by William Forsyth. Richie is crazy fucked up on crank and has become completely unstable, including murdering an innocent woman in broad daylight and shooting a man named Wheels after playing around in his wheelchair, so Gino’s captain gives him a shotgun, a ghost car, a beret (actually Steven brings that himself?), and a license to murder as many people as necessary to bring Richie to justice. And, that’s pretty much what Gino does. Whether their names are Sticks or Tattoo, Seagull flocks many, many, people up in the pursuit of Richie and, spoiler alert, he catches him and opens up a bottle of kick-ass whoop-ass kapow sauce. Originally released on April 12th, 1991