Hold Up

In 1988 director Newt Arnold brought us Bloodsport, a movie based on the “totally real” events of Frank Dux’s life, allegedly… Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, and somehow Forest Whitaker, Bloodsport tells us the story of a young and mentally challenged white kid, Frank Dux, who is brought in to a Japanese household to act as a training dummy for the Tanaka clan’s son. However, it turns out that kid is a dud that has a date with a fatal accident, so Dux steps in to train and represent the Tanaka clan in the Kumite (like in the song). Frank goes to the tournament despite the military trying to stop him, possibly because he’s a time cop, and is pursued throughout Hong Kong as they attempt to arrest him and bring him home.  At the tournament, Frank befriends Booger from Revenge of the Nerds and a reporter who is desperately trying to get a look at Frank’s ass, and an invite to cover the tournament.  Booger gets his head stomped in by the defending champion, a Korean beast with terrifyingly huge pectoral muscles,

 A deadly virus threatens humanity and something must be done. We need a hero, fast. That hero? Dustin Hoffman, of course, in Wolfgang Petersen’s 1995 disease action/mystery/thriller/love/disaster movie Outbreak. Based on the true story of the Ebola Zaire virus being discovered less than 15 miles from Washington D.C. in a monkey warehouse (monkey warehouse?), Outbreak follows the story of the deadly Motaba virus which has made its way from the African jungle to a small American town via a cute little monkey which was smuggled in to be sold. The monkey ends up swapping spit with Jimbo McDreamy, who then swaps spit with his girlfriend, and then a whole chain of really unfortunate and unhygienic shit happens and lots of people start liquifying in this little town. Mostly, they really need to find that goddamn monkey, but McDreamy let it go in a California redwood forest, so Hoffman and Cuba Gooding Jr sherlock the shit out of the case of the spitting monkey so they can make a serum to fix them, SHOW ME THE SERUU

This time, we bring ourselves to 1972 and Francis Ford Coppola’s magnum opus, The Godfather. The Godfather brings us to 1945 New York, a time when the city is ruled by five crime families. The film follows the Corleone crime family and their struggle to maintain relevance and power in uncertain times. It starts when the Corleone family is requested to share some of their power and influence to assist in developing the drug trade. Not realizing that drugs are awesome, patriarch Vito refuses the deal and then becomes a target of others in the group when his boy Sonny speaks out of turn in a meeting.  The Godfather ends up as the victim of a hit but does not perish, and his family is forced to deal with the fallout as he recovers from his injuries. What follows is a rich tale full of complex characters set against a dangerous and exciting landscape as the Corleone family lives and breathes the rocky road of revenge in New York and Italy. Beautifully scored by Nino Rota and starring Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, Jame

The year is 1984, not that 1984, and Barry Levinson has just released The Natural, starring Robert “Wonderboy” Redford, Robert Duvall, Glenn Close, Kim Basinger, and Wilford “Oatmeal gave me Diabeetus” Brimley.  Robert “my character has progeria” Redford stars as 19-year-old baseball phenom Roy Cobb, a man whose most obvious attributes are a wicked pitching arm and a face and skin that makes him looks like he is 40. Roy leaves his best girl behind and heads off to the big leagues, and at the first train stop out of his town, he meets this total psycho lady who shoots him and then kills herself for some reason. Cobb disappears for like 15 years and then gets drafted by another major league team and no one likes him until they do, and then he gets good again but not at pitching, at hitting this time. Some other stuff happens too, but not a lot of that matters because Roy is the best there ever was.  The Natural made $48M on a $20M dollar budget and was released to much critical acclaim, including being nominate

In 1998, the Coen brothers took us down an unexpected exploration of what happens when a lazy man -quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide - has his rug peed on during a violent case of mistaken identity. Jeff Bridges stars as Jeffrey Lebowski, known now only as The Dude, a middle-aged stoner whose only job seems to be playing in a bowling league with his friends Walter, played by John Goodman, and Donnie, played by Steve Buscemi.  The Dude goes on a crazy voyage in an attempt to receive compensation from the individual whose rug should have been the victim of the peeing, the Big Lebowski. After all, that rug really tied the room together. The Dude ends up rolling through a diverse and rich adventure with a cast of amazing characters including performances by Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and John Turturro. Set against a stunning soundtrack, this movie made $47M on a $15M budget and has since received a massive cult following,

In 1996, Cameron Crowe followed wrote and directed Jerry Maguire, his second movie following his angsty teen phase that included writing Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Wild Life, and Say Anything. Jerry Maguire stars Tom Cruise as...Jerry Maguire. A super sports agent who develops a conscience and puts his thoughts in a manifesto that gets him released from his big firm, which further challenges his relationship with his fiance. Striking out on his own, his passion draws in Dorothy (Rene Zellweger), a single mother with a passion of her own...for Jerry. Jerry walks away with two clients, Cush, played by Jerry O'Connell, is an up and coming star quarterback, and Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.), a receiver for the Arizona Cardinals who has more attitude than brains. Jerry tries his best to manage his business, relationships with Dorothy and her son, sister, and baby sitter, and the neverending ego's of professional athletes while he attempts to live his best life by his own rules...well, actually the rules of

In 1998 Adam Sandler wrote and starred in The Waterboy, the follow-up to his 1996 hit Happy Gilmore. In it, Adam stars as Bobby Boucher, a man with less than adequate intelligence, an overbearing and overprotective momma, and a hidden knack for crushing football hits. When Bobby loses his volunteer water boy job with the championship Cougars, he begs the rival Mud Dogs’ Coach Klein, played by Henry Winkler, to let him come on board the struggling organization as their hydration engineer. After Coach Klein encourages Bobby to stand up to a bully, he witnesses the raw violence Bobby is capable of and insists he joins the team as a linebacker. Bobby does, despite the frequent protests of his overprotective and aggressive momma, and becomes a sensation. Made for $23M, this blockbuster brought home $190M at the box office, pleasing fans and critics alike. But does it hold up?  Listen as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate what momma said, and see if this is some high-quality H2O, or if Bobby’s momma is wrong again and Ga

The year is 1993 and Sean Astin is 8 years away from playing the Hobbit Samwise Gamgee, so to fill the time and build his cred he stars in the feel-good football story about a dwarf named Rudy. Rudy is the story of a Daniel ‘Rudy’ Ruettiger who just wants to achieve his life long goal of playing football for Notre Dame - despite not having the size, ability, or intelligence to do so – but boy he sure does have the work ethic and ability to rub his success in the faces of all his doubters and anyone else who'll listen! Brought to you by director David Anspaugh and writer Angelo Pizzo, the same combo who 7 years earlier made Hoosiers, Rudy also features, Jon Favreau, Charles Dutton, Ned Beatty, and Vince Vaughn. Made for $12 million this underdog story brought home $22 million at the box office and received fairly positive critical reviews. But does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent shrink our expectations to find out if Rudy is the hero of the day and worthy of being carried off the field in vict

In 1999, Oliver Stone wrote a love letter to football, and Any Given Sunday was the result. In a miracle fantasy land where Miami has a competitive professional football team, Coach Tony D’Amato is struggling to win a game.  Things are made worse when his 1st and 2nd string quarterbacks go down to injury, leaving Steamin Willie Beamen to come in and flex his 3rd string skills. Willie struggles initially and tends to throw up a lot, but he manages to bring a lot of skill and as much bad attitude to bring the team back in the win column.  Surrounded by over the top personalities including a star running back looking for his bonus, an all-pro linebacker that is at the end of his career, a reliable but fragile quarterback who can’t stay healthy, and an inexperienced and driven owner trying to make her way in the world, Tony and Willie struggle to get on the same page and bring the team to glory. Made for $55M, Any Given Sunday went on to make $100M in the box office, making it a commercial success, but the critic

Imagine, if you will, you are in the Arctic - doing Arctic things - when all of a sudden, a helicopter filled with two Norwegian dudes and a crate of grenades fly into your remote camp chasing a sled dog. Now, imagine that one of the guys has butterfingers and fumbles a grenade into the snow near the helicopter and blows up the chopper and the pilot. Now, imagine that this Norwegian dude screams some non-American gibberish and then shoots one of your friends in the knee before being killed by your boss?  Now imagine that the dog ends up being a shapeshifting creature who begins stealing your friend’s likenesses and killing them in horrible and grotesque ways. Well, assuming you held onto any of that, you have just imagined the opening of John Carpenter’s The Thing. Released in 1982 to horrified audiences everywhere this film stars Kurt Russell, Keith David, and Wilford Brimley’s mustache, as part of the research team attempting to survive and outsmart a bloodthirsty creature who can copy any animal it wants.

In 1999, prior to creating his hit HBO series Six Feet Under, Alan Ball wrote American Beauty, a movie that saw the directorial debut of Sam Mendes. Kevin Spacey stars as Lester, a 40-year-old man who has lost all touch with his family and his life. His wife Carolyn, played by Annette Bening, is a semi-successful real estate agent and the main breadwinner of the family and now clearly wears the pants in the family. Their daughter Janie (Thora Birch) is an insecure teenager who juggles her relationship with her friend Angela, who wants to be anything but normal, and her new neighbour Ricky, who can’t handle all the beauty in the world.  Ricky’s dad Frank is a former army colonel and repressed homosexual man who is prone to fits of rage.  What do you get when you put all these characters together? Teen romance, murder, attempted sex with a minor, drugs, abuse, suspense, adultery and blackmail. Made for $15M, American Beauty went on to make $356M and won five Academy Awards including Best Picture, Actor, Directo

The year is 1989, tiger blood is still HIV negative and director David Ward has just written and directed Major League, a fictionalized story of a struggling Cleveland Indians team whose new owner is trying to tank the team in hopes to relocate them to a nicer location. But, honestly, who could blame her?  Have you ever seen Cleveland? Not good.  Anyways, Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, and Wesley Snipes, star in this comic voyage about a team that was built to fail but refuses to lose. Made for $11M, Major League brought home a solid return of $50 million at the box office and became a favourite sports film for many of this generation. But, does it hold up?  Tune in as Jon, Colin, and Brent talk baseball, Bob Uecker, and voodoo gods and try to determine if this flick wins a pennant in their hearts, or if they walk, balk, and kick chalk from frustration. See that baseball reference? Nailed it.

In 1985, the limits of how far kids will go to stop their homes from foreclosing was tested with Goonies.  Steven Spielberg had the idea, Chris Columbus wrote the screenplay, and Richard Donner directed this action-comedy that starred Sean Austin, Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, and a host of other recognizable faces.  Goonies is about a group of kids from a neighbourhood called the Goon Docks (get it?) whose parents may or may not have been delinquent in their payments on their properties, and so some investors (who of course are evil and not just businessmen trying to put food on their families tables) want to build a golf course for the ages. While the parents appear to be complacent of the inevitable eviction, the kids are having none of it, and so they channel their inner Indiana Jones and use their background in local history, strength, gadgets, talking, and food to hunt for a treasure that will save the day. Made for $19M, Goonies went on to make $124M in the box office worldwide, pleasing young and old au

In 1995, Katheryn Bigelow and James Cameron tested the boundaries of reality with Strange Days. Starring Ralf Fiennes, Angela Bassett, Juliette Lewis and Tom Sizemore, this film noir, sci-fi flick follows Lenny as he prepares for a new millennium as an “experience dealer”, selling pieces of people’s lives that can be viewed and experienced using SQUID technology. In the meantime, some LA cops kill a famous singer in cold blood, and that experience is captured via SQUID, and the tape ends up with Lenny…sort of. With the help of Mace, his friendly neighbourhood bodyguard limo driver, and Max, the whispy haired private detective turns bodyguard, they try to prevent a riot and save their own skins while the bad coppers try to save their own skins.  Made for $42M, Strange Days was a commercial failure, bringing in only $8M at the box office.  But since then, it has found a cult following and is now remembered slightly more fondly than when it was first released.  But does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent

In 2003, the world demanded two things.  A new Christmas comedy and a new Will Ferrell movie.  Not one to disappoint, Santa made some magic as he waved his hand and screamed “Merry Fucking Christmas everybody!”, and the result was one of the newer Christmas classics, Elf.  Will Ferrell stars as Buddy, a human who ends up in the North Pole after crawling into Santa’s bag one night. Santa decides to keep him and Buddy is then raised by the elfiest elf of all, Bob Newhart. But Buddy isn’t a true elf and doesn’t fit in, so he leaves to find his estranged father in NYC and hijinx ensue.  Jon Favreau directed this whimsical adventure that also stars James Caan as Buddy’s dad, Zooey Deschanel as the love interest who happens to love grown men who have childlike minds, and Mary Steenburgen as the accepting and loving step-mom.  Made for $33 million, Elf brought home $220 million at the box office and maintains a strong following among Christmas movie fans.  But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent tal

In 1990, John Hughes threw his hat into the ring of Christmas films and the result was Home Alone.  Directed by Christopher Columbus, Home Alone featured a few new faces in Macaulay Culkin and his brother Kieran, supported by an experienced cast including Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Catherine O’Hara, and John Heard.  The film follows 8-year-old Kevin who, through a series of unfortunate and bratty events, finds himself left home alone while his family flies to Paris for Christmas vacation.  If the challenge of survival was not enough, burglars Harry and Marv are out to rob the neighbourhood, and they won’t let Kevin stand in their way. Made for $18M, Home alone went on to gross $475M, becoming the highest-grossing Christmas film until 2018 when the Grinch overtook it on the list of movies that made insane amounts of money.  But does it hold up?  Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent are left alone to talk about this Christmas comedy and see if it is filled with joy, cheer, toys and life lessons..or if the wet bandits p

In 1998, World War 2 was presented on screen unlike any war movie that came before with Terrence Malick’s The Thin Red Line. As American forces move to take a key airfield on Guadalcanal, C Company moves in to reinforce the initial attack, which is successful despite heavy casualties and some dissension in the ranks. All of the action unfolds to some of the most beautiful scenery and music ever put on film thanks to Hans Zimmer and John Toll at their best. Many characters question life, death, and their purpose in the grand scheme of things, and through their actions, expressions, inner thoughts, and interactions, they share with the audience their realizations on whether a victory is actually possible. Receiving mostly positive critical acclaim, The Thin Red Line was challenged by Saving Private Ryan, with the latter receiving more awards and commercial success. Made for $52M, The Thin Red Line made $98M at the box office, forcing movie lovers to decide if they were willing to take a chance on a longer, high

The year was 2001 and some movie execs sat in a room and tried to decide if people liked musicals yet.  Well, they decided “Yes!” and we got Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge! Set in 1900, we focus on depressed Christian, a struggling writer who falls in love with Satine, a courtesan at the Moulin Rouge during a case of mistaken identity.  Enter the man to whom she was promised, the Duke, who is then convinced by the club owner, Zidler, to fund a play outlining their unfortunate circumstance.  When Satine returns Christian’s feelings, their focus shifts to keeping their love a secret while convincing the Duke that their intimacy and not so subtle banging is really just a rehearsal for the play. In return for the finances, the Duke demands the deed to the Moulin Rouge as collateral, while Satine also seems to be suffering from a recurring issue of fainting, shortness of breath, and bloody mouth which we are sure isn’t a sexually transmitted infection. With the stakes higher than they’ve ever been, they all either fa

In 1987, John Hughes brought together the comedic geniuses Steve Martin and John Candy in Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  Martin plays Neal Page, a man who wants to get home to Chicago for Thanksgiving dinner. But a combination of bad weather, bad luck, and Kevin Bacon keep working against his best efforts. Enter Candy’s Del Griffith, a friendly but obtuse shower curtain salesman who is as clueless as he is sweet. What sounds like a minor inconvenience in 2019 is a huge setback in 1987, as a lack of internet, cell phones and mainstream use of credit cards keep Neal and Del from gaining any traction in the battle against time.  An odd couple buddy comedy ensues as we have man-on-man cuddling in beer-soaked sheets, near-death experiences to the tune of Mess Around, and heartfelt realizations of self-discovery and compassion.  Made for $30M, PT&A brought in $50M in the box office was received to positive critical acclaim as the film marked a departure for John Hughes from teen comedies. But does it hold up?

In 1987, Steven Spielberg and Joe Dante teamed up to bring us the smallest movie hero ever with Innerspace.  Starring a series of characters with 5 letters or less in their name, this movie features Tuck, Jack, Lydia, Igoe, Ozzy, Victor, Wendy, and an unnamed Cowboy as they are both willingly and unwillingly thrown into the world of misused miniaturization.  Randy Quaid’s much more handsome and shredded brother Dennis plays the alcoholic and suicidal Tuck Pendleton, a former navy officer who just doesn’t want to be big anymore, possibly because 80’s hairdo sporting Lydia can’t handle his shit anymore.  And don’t be phased by the fact that Tuck gets injected into Jack’s butt, this isn’t that kind of movie. With Tuck safely in Jack’s butt, we watch Jack go from Safeway bagboy to world-saving hero.  Featuring pint-sized villains, a detachable vibrator prosthetic, and Oscar-winning special effects, Innerspace was made for $27M, but only raked in $25 a the box office.  Still, this fun flick enjoyed a fairly positi