We're Just Asking Questions

9/11...mulder knocked down the towers

Three brave men stand on the thin blue line between order and anarchy, standing dread watch to secure the continuity of civilization. You don't have to thank us for our service. The seats awaiting us in Valhalla are thanks enough already.

Matt and Rob have the first episode of their spinoff podcast here for you: You're Gonna Hate It, in which they torture each other by assigning each other movies they know the other will hate. In this episode, Rob tortures Matt with Luis Buñuel's 1962 surrealist arthouse masterpiece The Exterminating Angel and Matt returns the favor with Tom Green's 2001 gross-out magnum opus Freddy Got Fingered. You can find future episodes on iTunes at You're Gonna Hate It.

We are pleased to announce that WJAQ has engaged the consulting services of McKinsey & Company. In order to increase the efficiency of podcast output, Keegan has been eliminated, and the third chair has been privatized. We are currently accepting bids from a variety of contractors to fill this role, and are excited for a bright new podcasting future.

this week: which presidential candidate is hottest? kamala harris? hello misses officer. mayor pete? we'd love to get to the center of that centrist. elizabeth warren? we'll be your marine. joe biden? yes zaddy. amy klobuchar? don't remember which one you are. andrew yang? yang bang me. tulsi gabbard? work that assad girl. cory booker? get out of here with that shit. no thank you. bernie? give me 99% of that D. this had been barstool radio

The great creation of Turkmenbashy The native land, the sovereign state Forever, the light and song of the soul, Live long and prosper, Turkmenistan!

in the children's book We're Back, a group of friendly and intelligent dinosaurs are transported to the present day, where they hope to entertain children at the natural history museum. instead, they are rejected by a suspicious populace who resent and fear the misunderstood creatures. the book ends with the dinosaurs cowering in the basement of the museum while the police relentlessly search for them, a modern-day gestapo rooting out hidden undesirables. it was later adapted into an animated film featuring the voices of John Goodman, Jay Leno, Walter Cronkite and Martin Short

it's actually "atarme"

all I want for Christmas is white genocide

It's nothin but pure JFK talk on this one baby. 

It's another grab-bag folks. Keegan tells us about how the recent sunspot observatory closure is a sign of Nibiru's imminent arrival, Matt freaks out about Peter Thiel, and Rob tells us the story of the Great Academic Poop Whodunit.

The gang argues about Area 51, and aliens, and interspecies sexual harassment. 

You get three whole topics in this one folks. We talk about whether 23andMe is faking results to fuck with racists, whether a high school basketball phenom is actually in his twenties, and what happened to Melania Trump when she disappeared for like a month. We recorded this like three weeks ago so yeah she's obviously back and more racist than ever but we didn't know that at the time. Don't punish us for being lazy and never putting things out on time. Also I couldn't really think of a title. Fuck you.

Matt, Keegan and guest star Tim debate whether Reagan conspired with Ayatollah Whatshisname to extend the hostage crisis and swing the election against Jimmy Carter. Rob didn't plan well and couldn't make it so Matt tries to make fun of him while repeatedly fucking up the recording. Also we recorded this like a month ago and Rob just kept forgetting to upload it so yeah maybe Matt has a point.

WELCOME TO SEASON TWO: FUNNIER. SEXIER. LESS RELIABLE. We return from hiatus with a hard-hitting look at the Flat Earth movement that's sweeping the globe [citation needed]. Also: Keegan is bad at boomerangs. Rob is bad at sex. Matt is bad at discerning what is and isn't fascism. So stay tuned for all the surprises Season Two has in store. Someone will die. Someone will find love. Someone's secret identity will be revealed. All this and more on your favorite terrible podcast, now more infrequent than ever.

We debate whether (or, really, to what extent) the CIA was involved in the drug trade, and Rob shows off his Matt impression. It's very annoying.

Sorry this one is so late. Rob got sick and forgot to upload the episode. We argue about whether Vladimir Putin orchestrated a series of false-flag bombings in the 90s, and Matt teaches his daughter about racial slurs.

Rob and Keegan try to debate whether Olympic ice dancing medalists Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir are fucking without knowing anything about ice dancing. Matt sort of listens and tells several irrelevant stories. Rob and Keegan also make reference to a bunch of GIFs of the (alleged) couple in question, which can be found here: https://twitter.com/nearIight/status/963165351788843008/photo/1

Did Avril Lavigne kill herself in 2003? Was she replaced by a body double and/or clone? Rob discusses drunkenly accosting the former House Majority Leader. Matt just kinda leaves at one point. We really half-assed the second half of this one.

Matt offers the extremely hot take that North Korea is good as he argues the Hawaiian false alarm missile alert was done intentionally to scare us into a war. Rob explains one of the many reasons he is afraid at all times. Keegan is confused by Occam's Razor.