Abject Suffering

I had to check the title five times to make sure I spelled it right. Whoever was in charge of localizing this game made some interesting naming choices.

Finally a game that answers the question, why do we pay professional athletes when there's a perfectly good bear right there?

"The game was one of the first extensive CD-ROM titles and used full-motion video for both cutscene and interactive portions. It is over a gigabyte in size over two discs." --Wikipedia

Are you ready to have a BONER while you BIKE?! Bike Boner?! Oh, no, you're thinking of my cousin Mike Boner. He is a professional BMX rider though.

Big round number is big AND round. To celebrate, here is a bad game on a bad system that we all know. Plus, Gary and Kole, in the same room! That hasn't happened in years!

These dudes are past bad. They're downright crude. This is a sequel, or something, to Bad Dudes. You don't attempt to rescue the president, so what's even the point?

To maintain order, the Secret Games Commission (SGC) is formed to organize tournaments deciding which organization gets to control all of Neo-Amerika, leading to the creation of Biological Flying Robotic Enhanced Armored Killing Synthoids (Bio F.R.E.A.K.S.) serving as the champions for each participating organization.

Comedy Podcast: Games. With graphics by Factory of Assets.

I've never heard of this holiday before. I guess it's for celebrating mini-games?

This episode is fuckin' RAW! If you ever wanted a weird CGI Gordon Ramsey yell at you in a lifeless void, oh man, do I have the game for you.

It turns out "Zendor" is what your grand uncle called "debt". What I'm saying is you just inherited a lot debt.

Come KRUM!

Wine, sodomy and the lash. Or something like that I'm assuming. I'm not saying it is porn but I sure felt embarassed accidentally googling it at my day job.

Inside of you are two wolves. One is a Litil Debil. The other, a Litil Angle. Who will you listen to?

You know, it's probably about time we give freeware Linux games a shot! Ew. Nevermind, let's go to Chili's.

Nobody knows why, but people in the 90s thought if golf video games had comedians in them, maybe that would connect with the kids? Anyway, Eugene Levy fails to convince the boys that this golf is all that whacky.

Bionic Commando is one of the best games for the NES. Taking away your jump and forcing you to rely on predictable swinging physics was (and is!) a novel concept, matched by a delightful semi-serious, semi-goofy tone and exquisite level design. So you can imagine how high hopes were when a sequel was announced. Well, that was a mistake.

Tootinis is a game that feels like a student project that ended up getting a little money behind it. Very little money, mind you. So we're fully in "Please Be Cool" mode because all these people did was make a weird kids' game with baffling characters and a very funny intro. Additionally we talk about what Totino's Pizzas become when they enter your mouth, the new garage that Kole saw, and Gary's glimpse at our cold metallic future.

Magician Lord is an okay arcade game about a transforming wizard. That's not what's important, however. What's important is that we know that 2023 will be the year of the Buff Wizard, Who May or May Not Be a Frog Man. It's imperative that we embrace and hype this early so we can make it happen. Extremely ripped wizard. Possibly a humanoid frog. Strong as hell. Lots of lightning. Lovingly rendered buttocks and genitalia. Let's make it happen, people.

We've spoken on the charms and pitfalls of FMV video games before, and we're happy to report that Corpse Killer falls well on the charms side. It's a dead basic lightgun game, making Terminator 2 look like Time Crisis, but it also has ridiculously over the top acting and a bonkers story. So instead of laying into it for too long, we talk about how it's driving us crazy that someone out there is trying to make people care about Avatar.