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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-045-Conqueror.mp3 Download MP3 According to Hollywood legend, The Conqueror got made when John Wayne picked up a copy of the script from director Dick Powell's desk and remarked that it was a lot like a Western. The fact that it was the story of famous Mongol leader Genghis Khan -- to whom Wayne did not bare a striking resemblance -- was overlooked, as was the fact that the screenplay itself was crap, because who can say 'no' to John Wayne in the mid-1950s? Wayne, with a slight tan and a borderline-offensive pasted-on fu manchu moustache, is still basically John Wayne, and that makes him about as out-of-place as possible in a sprawling Oriental epic like this one. (Imagine him as Hamlet, and you'll get the idea.) Besides damaging their careers, filming The Conqueror may have led to the cast and crew's unusually high rate of deadly cancers, and it's one of the few films that producer Howard Hughes watched on a continuous loop while bottling his own urine, perhaps

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-044-MeetTheHollowheads.mp3 Download MP3 Quite possibly the only film that was not made any worse by the involvement of then-unknown Juliette Lewis, Meet the Hollowheads is the nightmarish product of a photographer and a makeup artist who mistook themselves for a screenwriter and a director. You can read all about how this mess came to pass in writer Lisa Morton's production diary, but here's the short version: nobody knew what they were doing, and Lisa Morton is delusional to think this movie might have been good in some alternate universe where producers didn't interfere with movies. This is one of the few movies we can think of that skipped VHS distribution and went straight to bootleg DVD. Bobcat Goldthwait appears and is credited as "Jack Cheese." Lisa Morton, your movie was not good enough for Bobcat Goldthwait to let you use his real name. I don't mean to shame you publicly like this, but DAMMMN. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-043-Traxx.mp3 Download MP3 The film that tops Seanbaby's list of the six most spectacular low points of pop culture (oh, Cracked), Traxx stars, for some reason, American Top 40 replacement host and lower-middle square Shadoe Stevens. More confusingly, it seems to be tapping the same comedy vein as its much funnier TV predecessor Sledge Hammer!, spoofing over-the-top violent fare like Search for Schlock favorite Death Wish 3, while not being funny enough to make that intention clear. Then again, sometimes it's funny...or is it? We've never been so confused. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-042-TheRocketeer.mp3 Download MP3 We've waited a long time for the Omegahedron to call this one forth -- it's been on the Sacred List O' Movies since the very beginning, and here it is at last. How did a Disney movie based on a comic book about a guy with a jetpack, and with just about the coolest movie poster ever, manage to make ten times less at the box office in its opening weekend than contemporary crap-fest Dick Tracy? And can you think of any other movie villain based on a real celebrity's later-discredited biography claiming they were a bisexual Nazi spy? Why won't Jennifer Connelly return our calls? These questions and more, answered herein. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-041-TheKeep.mp3 Download MP3 How does a movie directed by Michael Mann and starring Sir Ian McKellen wind up the subject of a bad-movies podcast? By being cut from an unmarketable over-three-hours running time to an incomprehensible ninety minutes, that's how. To give you some idea of what we're dealing with here, two of the main characters' names -- immortal warrior Glaeken Trismegestus and his ancient nemesis Molasar -- aren't mentioned until the very end. One secondary character, a priest, is depicted as being very friendly, then goes into a screaming rage, then drinks blood from a chalice, and then is friendly again. Maybe we'll understand the plot after we play the board game a few times. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-040-SavageStreets.mp3 Download MP3 It's a revenge movie in the vein of Death Wish, it reunites Chained Heat co-stars Linda Blair and John Vernon, and as if that weren't enough, they threw in Linnea Quigley, literally our favorite person of all time. And just check out the awesome trailer! Those of you who love to see us set up for huge disappointments are in for a real thrill, as our wildly unrealistic expectation that we might actually enjoy this film are dashed to the ground, and we are shot through the heart by so many metaphorical crossbow bolts, stepping yet again into the bear trap of bad moviedom. Weep for us, dear listener. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-039-ProjectAlf.mp3 Download MP3 In 1990, the producers of the declining hit puppet sitcom ALF were given a handshake promise of a season renewal. Season ending cliffhangers were all the rage right that second, so they ended the last episode with a tense standoff in which ALF's existence is discovered by the Alien Task Force, and the Tanners -- ALF's adopted human family -- seem powerless to intervene. And then the show was cancelled. ("Ha! I kill me!" -- anonymous network executive who surprise-cancelled ALF, probably.) For reasons that I'm going to assume are directly related to the runaway success of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, idiosyncratic ALF creator Paul Fusco got the opportunity to tie up the loose ends that had bedeviled the nation for six long years with a TV movie. There's still no movie about what happened to VICI and the Lawsons, though. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-038-MonsterHigh.mp3 Download MP3 We're a couple of old men, so when people talk to us about "Monster High," we don't think of the line of horror-themed Bratz ripoff dolls that are apparently all the rage these days with youngsters. We think about this late-80s comedy classic, in which an extraterrestrial, sentient force of total destruction named Mr. Armageddon arrives on our planet, and all hell breaks loose. (The title refers both to the film's high school setting, and to how great marijuana is.) Yeah, a lot of it is pretty stupid, but there are a handful of excellent gags that really go the distance; and, this is definitely one of those movies where they went back and added a lot of breasts after the fact. So if you love boobs, weed, and stupidity, check out Monster High along with us. You'll be glad you did. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-037-TurkishStarWars.mp3 Download MP3 OK, we admit, it's not really called Turkish Star Wars. It's actually Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, or "The Man Who Saved The World". And it doesn't really have that much in common with American Star Wars; it's about a couple of Turks trying to save Earth from a space villain who may or may not have already destroyed Earth, it's not entirely clear. But everyone calls it Turkish Star Wars, probably because it infamously just straight-up uses footage from the original, projecting it behind actors to make them look like they're in space. Actually, it just looks like they're standing in front of a competently-made movie. Even the stuff they steal, like the aforementioned space footage and the Indiana Jones theme, they manage to botch in the editing process. But there's definitely some fun to be had in watching dudes karate-chop the arms off of overgrown muppets, which perhaps explains this film's enduring popularity. You be the judg

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-036-AdventuresOfFordFairlane.mp3 Download MP3 This movie is a one-of-a-kind adaptation of an obscure series of short stories about a "rock 'n' roll detective" that, for whatever reason, became a vehicle for aggressively of-his-time comedian Andrew Dice Clay. (Clay's overtly misogynistic, racist, and homophobic comedy is problematic at best by today's standards, but it's adequately summed up by Fairlane costar Gilbert Gottfried's spot-on impression.) Unfortunately, the script had to be altered to include a lot of Dice jokes, including his catchphrase, which is best described as the sound someone from New Jersey might make while being stabbed to death. Billy Idol, who recorded "Cradle of Love" for the soundtrack, was supposed to portray one of the villains; when a motorcycle accident forced him to bow out, he was replaced with Robert Englund, who gamely attempts to speak with an Idol-esque British accent. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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