Search For Schlock

http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-075-Shakma.mp3 Download MP3 There's a strong possibility that we would have added Shakma to our list on the basis of its hysterical trailer alone, even if it didn't also happen to be the premiere animal-attacking-everyone thriller that is also about LARPing, but we'll never know. Favorite ape Cornelius plays a professor to a cast of medical students that includes the guy from Blue Lagoon and also Nancy's friend from A Nightmare on Elm Street. They're all inexplicably engaged in a partly-computerized LARP inside the very same building where they, also inexplicably, just injected a baboon with rage serum. "Well, it usually inhibits aggression, but...sometimes it has the opposite effect," explains one future victim, quite scientifically. If you always wanted to see a bunch of LARPers get picked off one-by-one by an enraged primate, well...I don't know why you're only just now hearing about this movie. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-074-APE.mp3 Download MP3 Isn't it funny how they always make a bunch of movies about the same thing at the same time? Like Deep Impact and Armageddon, or the three different movies about Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs that are currently in production. Or, for example, like the crappy 1976 King Kong remake and this, its even crappier South Korean equivalent, which apparently is trying to poke fun at M*A*S*H with its stylized title, because, ha? This movie stars the mom from Growing Pains, which is great, because that means we only have three cast members to go before we complete the set. If you're worried that this might be a low-quality movie, fear not; it made the cover of The Official Razzie Movie Guide, and you can watch it in its entirety on YouTube. We live in a golden age. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-073-BallisticEcksVsSever.mp3 Download MP3 Formerly a leader on IMDB's bottom 100. Permanent resident of Wikipedia's list of films considered the worst. Achiever of the rare 0% Rotten Tomatoes score. Yes, by all appearances Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever would seem to be a terrible, terrible film. But we've seen the pattern time and time again, in films like Moment by Moment and Leonard Part 6, films that, yes, suck, but that maybe don't suck as epically as we've been told. Join us -- won't you? -- on a journey back to a time when Ray Park was getting acting roles with dialogue for some reason. Together, we'll watch perhaps the only movie in all of the history of cinema that is generally considered to be worse than its video game adaptation. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-072-MalibuExpress.mp3 Download MP3 As unabashed fans of puerile, boobs-obsessed director (and inventor of the honey shot) Andy Sidaris, we were unrealistically enthusiastic about this early effort, which features Sybil Danning from Battle Beyond the Stars plus a whole lot of Playboy playmates. Unfortunately, unlike Sidaris's later work, this one's a bit nasty -- a little racist, a lot homophobic, and way to sexist even by Andy Sidaris standards. It's not all bad news -- we were happy to learn of the existence of Lynda Wiesmeier, who does excellent work as auto racer June Khnockers ("with an 'h'") -- but to get to the good stuff, you have to sit through a movie that attempts to ripoff both Magnum P.I. and Smokey and the Bandit simultaneously. Don't make our mistake; stick with a nice 90s vintage of Sidaris film. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-071-RockStar.mp3 Download MP3 Based loosely on the story of Judas Priest replacement singer Tim "Ripper" Owens, Rock Star follows former Funky Bunch front man Marky Mark as the lead singer of a heavy metal tribute band who gets plucked from obscurity by McNulty from The Wire. He goes through all the standard phases of rock stardom: enjoying it a lot; overindulging in drugs and topless groupies; and, finally, dressing in flannel and singing mopey songs in a small Seattle venue to win back his girlfriend (Rachel from Friends, as herself). The whole thing is pretty rote and uninspired, aside from the rather revolutionary idea of using Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold" in a (NSFW) sexy scene. Side note: fictional metal band Steel Dragon is mostly made up of real-life rockers, including the bassist from Dokken, which I only bring up so that I can link to the music video for Dream Warriors, which is from a much more fun movie that we would have rather watched. Original post

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-070-DayAfter.mp3 Download MP3 There's not much to joke about with our first-ever TV movie. Its plot concerns the immediate aftermath of thermonuclear war between the United States and Russia, and how sudden incineration and gradual death from radiation poisoning affect the members of a small Midwest community (answer: it affects them negatively). It's so terrifying and depressing that its original broadcast was followed immediately by a discussion panel featuring Carl Sagan, who reassured millions of Americans that, in fact, it would be much worse than how it was in the movie; and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, who found some scenes to be hauntingly familiar. So, go ahead and try to get a good night's sleep after you watch this one. And don't think everything's going to be okay because there's less nukes out there now than in the early 80s. There's still more than enough to destroy the planet a dozen times. Jesus Christ. Oh, and it has Steve Guttenberg, he was i

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-069-MartialArtsMonthPartTwo.mp3 Download MP3 We've seen two excellent martial arts movies, but we won't be experts on the genre until we sit through two terrible ones. That's called science. First up is The Last Dragon, a Taimak vehicle starring Vanity at the very start of her crack-fueled slide into obscurity and, in a serendipitous callback to Blaxploitation Month Part Two, Bucky from Disco Godfather. Then we'll close out Martial Arts Month with American Commando Ninja, starring nobody, but featuring the very loudest late-80s fashions ever worn by ninjas. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-068-MartialArtsMonthPartOne.mp3 Download MP3 If you're a Search for Schlock superfan, you still refer to December 2012 as Blaxploitation Month. Well, get ready for its Far East counterpart! We're starting with two classics of the genre, beloved by its enthusiasts. First up is The 36th Chamber of Shaolin, a movie that's 95% training montage, 5% dialogue to be sampled by the Wu-Tang Clan at a later date. We'll follow that up with Come Drink With Me, a wuxia film about a badass dart-throwing woman on a mission to save her brother from kidnappers. Yes, these movies are very good, and yes, our punishment in Martial Arts Month Part Two will be grave indeed. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-067-BlindFury.mp3 Download MP3 Somewhere on the long road from Roy Batty in Blade Runner to Lothos in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie -- and beyond! -- Dutch superstar Rutger Hauer starred in an American remake of the seventeenth film in a Japanese series about a mid-19th century, blind blademaster named Zatoichi. Of course, in the American version, he's a late-20th century blind Vietnam vet who learned swordsmanship from some Vietnamese villagers who were not only great at swords, but very eager to pass those skills along to the first blind white dude they came across. If you have a problem with that premise, you shouldn't be watching post-Ladyhawke Rutger Hauer movies. (The screenwriter also brought us Gymkata.) Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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http://searchforschlock.com/media/podcasts/sfs-066-DestinyTurnsOnTheRadio.mp3 Download MP3 We're always harping on about how much we love Quentin Tarantino like he's God's gift or whatever, so we thought it would be a good idea to watch the movie that represents the nadir of Tarantino-fatigue. You couldn't escape the fast-talking prominent-chin-having goofball's frequent interviews in the months after Pulp Fiction, and then suddenly he's playing a character named "Johnny Destiny" in this -- one of the all-too-many Pulp Ficiton clones that were popping up left and right back then -- plus he did Four Rooms which kind of sucked, and as a people we agreed to just ignore him and hope he would go away. (He did not, and we came around.) Long story short, now we have to watch a shitty Pulp Fiction clone, but hey, at least it prominently features the director of Pulp Fiction, unlike some 1995 films. I'm looking at you, 2 Days in the Valley. Original post located at searchforschlock.com.

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