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Presidential pensions are huge, yours will not be; did SNL's 40th anniversary signal the end of an era; critics slam 50 shades of grey; the digital age has made us a nation of national enquirer readers; Funkhouser celebrates valentines day with cheeseburgers.

Sex related injuries are up in america thanks to 50 shades of grey; we discuss why defeating 30,000 isis jihadists is our job not theirs, and we ask muslim countries to step up; will jon stewart take over for brian williams? ; Funkhouser avoids valentines day.

Parents are taking their kids to measles parties where they intentionally expose them to the measles virus; we are now awarding purple hearts for "workplace violence"; a girl gets fired on twitter before she even starts her job; Brian Williams suspended from NBC for 6 months; Jon Stewart is leaving the daily show; Tom Brady said waking up next to gisele after winning a superbowl was "pretty special"; Funkhouser breaks down Mercury in retrograde and explains what we can and cannot blame on it

Turns out Grammys are a big fundraising event for both republicans and democrats in congress; sam smith won big by ripping off tom petty; brian williams is suspending himself; three women set up a massive prison break in brazil by having an orgy with prison guards; a chinese company offered their empoyee of the year a choice: a night with a pornstar or a brand new porche; funkhouser would pick the porche.

England has approved three-parent babies; doctors warn women not to follow gweneth paltrow's advice to steam clean their vaginas; strippers in oregon lobby state legislature for government mandated better work conditions; bill belichick kisses his daughter on the lips at super bowl, nation vomits a little in its mouth; funkhouser looks to the stars for truth.

John Stewart said we should blame the outbreak of measles on "science denying affluent california liberals" he may have a point; wealthy white liberal areas of california have low vaccination rates that rival south sudan; kim kardashian wants to take a selfie with jesus; funkhouser proves himself to be a do-er not a talker; today's inspiration come from charles caleb colton

House chair of oversight comittee wants to call NFL comissioner Goodell before the comittee so he can demand the league start paying taxes; Randy Quaid and his wife ride the crazy train in a new video involving dogs, doing it, and a Rupert Murdoch mask; Funkhouser enjoyed his watching his one football game of the season.

two weeks after facebook ceo mark zuckerberg released a harshly worded jesuischarlie statemt, facebook censors images of the prophet muhammad; kim kardashian says her family supports bruce jenner; AD catches up on the events of the week in Prestina Kosovo with his dad and discusses the birth of a new democracy and maybe how we can learn a couple things from it; Funkhouser hates Canadians

The NYC blizzard was blown totally out of proportion; man in Australia gets doctors note allowing him to have lazy sex; why Skymall is bankrupt; Funkhouser awkwardly has dreams of AD; today's inspiration comes from Pablo Picasso.

Schools send letter to parents telling them about a new law that forces students to give their social media account passwords to school administrators if they are suspected of "cyber bullying"; Sam Smith ripped off Tom Petty; Albert Einstein provides today's inspiration; Funkhouser convinces girlfriend to say they're not dating at porn convention, miraculously strengthens relationship

WWE wrestlers sue over brain injuries; Johnny Depp's new movie bombs; Gwenyth Paltrow joined the mile high club; Mike Tyson admires Mussolini; Funkhouser shares what he learned at the porn convention; Ralph Waldo Emerson provides today's insporation.

The case for banning laptops in class; the french magazine Charlie Hebdo will run a picture of the prophet muhammed on their next cover; Mike Huckabee goes after Beyonce; today is Martin Luther King Jr's birthday; Funkhouser sneaks and geeks.

Brian Williams daughter does butt stuff; white house continues to deny paris terrorism is the work of radical islam; exclusive bill cosby interview; funkhouser reveals his secret for remaining calm in the face of idocy

State department denies we're at war with radical islam; islamic cleric issues fatwah against snowmen; catholic league's bill donohue is just as crazy as isis leaders; Funkhouser abides

We run down the best parts of the 72nd Annual Golden Globes because you didn't watch it- and now you don't have to; Bill Cosby makes rape joke at performance in Ontario; Ten weirdest crimes perpitrated in Florida; Funkhouser feels better.

The American media chickens out, CNN ABC AP & FOX won't be showing the Charlie Hebdo cartoon of the prophet, in response to the attack by muslims in France, the AP pulls the 28 year old picture of Piss Christ from its image library to avoid attacks from Christians; Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie meet the Pope, Britney Spears' sister pulls a knife; Funkhouser only takes meds as a last resort.

Henry David Thoreaux provides today's inspiration; 12 killed in islamist terrorist attack at the office of a French satirical magazine, white house insists islam is peaceful; you don't need to let your car warm up when its cold out, you're just wasting gas; Funkhouser gets sick, soldiers on regardless

LGBT is the new Black in affirmative action, companies wanting diversity seek out LGBT firms to do business with- will this breed mediocraty; more and more cities are banning sledding; Bruce Jenner wants his own reality show, Funkhouser would be willing to go on it.