Tysto Film Commentaries

After a long absence, and now much older and wiser, Drew returns to set us straight about Star Wars. And I wreck things and generally act childish. We lament the familiarity of the plot and some character choices. We debate weather Daisy Ridley is actually Keira Knightly (me: yes; Drew: probably not), and whether the stormtroopers are "thick" and/or "phat". We volley back and forth with our deep, deep knowledge of the Star Wars Extended Universe, most of which is made up. We ponder the reason why Kylo Ren is there, why Finn instantly goes from Conscientious Objector to Hollywood Hero, who is making robots that feel bad, and why any of this happens.

John Pavlich and I open up J J Abrams' mystery box and like what we see, if only because it reminds us so much of all the films we loved from our childhood. We heap praise all over the place, repeated forgive it its sins and excesses, and try to nitpick anachronisms. We're watching the Blu-ray. Start right after the Paramount logo on the countdown.

Join me in watching the fifth and by no means final episode in the Ethan Hunt saga, in which IMF—gasp!—gets shut down and Ethan—gulp!—goes rogue. Insiders turn out to be bad guys! Ethan works with a beautiful mystery woman he isn't sure he can trust! They steal something they don't understand and give it to the villain! I know this sounds like every other Mission: Impossible film! But this one is even better than most of the others! I compare it to the other films, to James Bond (again [too much {again}]), to the TV show, to Hitchcock, to Faust, to Foul Play, and to Phantom Menace. I tiptoe around Cruise's real life, explain the geography of Europe and the design of my swimming pool, fail to remember Timothy Dalton's name (it's Living Daylights's cargo plane scene I was thinking of), do an impression of Luther that is half Ving Rhames and half Tracy Morgan, point out a couple of substantial logic gaps, and complain endlessly about how much I like the film.

Jimmy and I take a rambling look at Marvel's Ant-Man (after a brief bit of confusion over which movie we're watching) and express our (reserved) love for it. We praise the look and art design, the actors, and the writing. And we discuss which aspects of the writing and directing don't work as well.

Martin is back! (He has a codename: Faldor. Both of us do. It's cool. It's not weird.) We bust out of space prison and give Guardians of the Galaxy a good going over (which mainly consists of saying that it's fun and cool and the plot is kind of unnecessary). It's the heartwarming story of a boy who gets kidnapped and leads a life of crime and sexual depravity, with few friends and many enemies. The film has too many villains and too many endings and some shaky acting but works anyway because of its excess of charm. We praise Marvel, Chris Pratt, Bradley Cooper, Karen Gillen, the soundtrack, and—surprisingly—James Gunn. We guess at what the soundtrack of the sequel will include. We compare it to The Avengers, Star Wars, Moonraker, Up, Reservoir Dogs, and—spoilers—The Cabin in the Woods. For some reason, we discuss every Star Trek show and come to the conclusion that this is different. Also Firefly, because duh. We get into a fight over The Lost Boys, The Goonies, and—spoilers—The Cabin in the Woods.

Join Jimmy and me to have a lot of fun with the original The Omen. We compare it to the other films in the series, the remake, Jaws, and other Richard Donner films (hey, would Damien make a good Goonie? There's a question we didn't ask). We praise the acting, wonder what God is up to these days, praise baboons for keeping us Antichrist-free for 2000 years, and eventually recast the film with Muppets.

John Pavlich is back for another horror-comedy romp, this time with Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward vs sand worms. We revel in the B-movie cheesiness that works better than most A movies. We compare it to the sequels, Jaws, Maximum Overdrive, and other slasher and siege films. We speculate on the biology of the creatures and their closest living relatives. We analyze set-up and payoff. We mark the points of Val's character arcs (two of them!).

Join me as I am joined by Jim Brown (the regular one, not the one from the movie) as we pursue Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Conchita Alonso thru the quads in this 1980s heartwarming tale of 2010s' excess and televised mayhem. We compare it to other Arnie movies, The Hunger Games, and modern reality TV. I praise Richard Dawson up and down. And we try to figure out why Dweezil Zappa is in this movie. We talk about the fact that it was a troubled production, the 80s-ness of the wardrobe and whatnot, and the creepiness of the lady who might harbor rape fantasies. I think we fail to credit Stephen King as the novelist (under the Richard Bachman name). And Jimmy calls me on a Fleetwood Mac reference. Bonus: find out which stalker I'm making a cos-play costume of! NOTE: Skype throws us off our game a bit, I'm afraid. The connection breaks down 5 times, but I double-checked the sync. I've artfully covered the gaps with Fleetwood Mac music. Just bear with us.

Just in time for the US Independence Day celebration, join Faldor (Martin from The Extended Edition) and me for a tour of the president's mansion in Washington, DC, with your tour guide, Roland Emmerich! We praise--and occasionally knock--the CGI. We compare it to Olympus Has Fallen, obviously, Die Hard, other Roland Emmerich films, and Step Up to the Streets (not really). I talk a bit about the geography of the White House and the nature of the Secret Service. We discuss 10 Downing Street, Jamie Foxx, my other website WhiteHouseMuseum.org, how sprinkler systems work, and why the PEOC only has black-and-white TVs.

Join Jimmy and me as we take a hard look at '80s classic Highlander. It's a film we both once loved but which has, like Connor McCloud, hasn't changed at all while we've grown old and cynical. Jimmy loves his native Scotland, and we both respect and admire New York... within certain parameters. We try to figure out the rules of the contest. We compare the film to other '80s films discuss other films by Russell Mulcahy and... earrings and stuff. We do drift a little in the middle when the film wanders a bit and discuss American and UK TV standards and practices in the '80s and now.

Join me and Rob Caravaggio as we scour the plains of Texas (or painted desert of Arizona, YMMV) for our kinfolk and become bitter, bitter men. We love the film and have a lot of fun talking about the text, the sub-text, and possibly some sub-sub-text. See the breathingest dead man on screen, the woodenest of wooden actors, and the most of whatever Mose is. We don't care for the music much or for some inherent prejudices in a film that ostensibly tries to say racial prejudice is bad. We analyze the use of humor, montage, and studio work. We compare the film to other Wayne-Ford films, Star Wars, Star Trek, and Adam Sandler's failed Western.

Join me as I'm again joined by Jimmy B for a tender tale of romance about a fashion model and a lonely pizza-loving man named Marion. We compare it to other Stallone films, other '80s action we've done commentaries for, and Hong Kong Phooey. Actually the Hong Kong Phooey stuff might be slightly off-topic, along with our attempt to answer the age-old question: what is brown sauce? We don't like the film and mock it as it deserves and yet confess a deep affection for it in that it transcends the Steven Seagal/JCVD stuff that came after it and seem modeled on it. Get your axes and motorcycle and join our cult!

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to get inside your head and figure out your weaknesses and use them against you. We analyze the unusual structure of the movie, play with different ways of looking at it, and try to figure out who the real villain is. (Chilton. It's Chilton.) We compare the film to other Hannibal Lector movies, Hitchcock and De Palma films, The X-Files, other horror movies and psychological thrillers, and YouTube videos. I complain about some fundamental aspects of the film despite loving it and do an impression of Lector and screaming lambs. John indulges me patiently and explains the parts I don't understand.

Join me as I'm again joined by Jimmy B, this time for what is probably Eddie Murphy's greatest film, and one that I regard as nearly perfect. We compare it to 48 Hrs, Cobra, and Midnight Run. We discuss Eddie Murphy's career at some length. We impugn the LAPD. And we more-or-less fix Hollywood.

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to have a look at Quentin Tarantino's other finest masterpiece. We discuss the indie film cred, the music, the dialog, the performances, and the inspirations. We have a terrific time with it, and praise it thoroly--especially the cinematography--but find fun things to gently nitpick. We debate Mr. Pink (not really) and the timeline (not really). We compare it to Tarantino's other films, Unknown (2006), The Killing, Kansas City Confidential, and Hamlet.

Join me and Jimmy B and my head cold as we enjoy a nostalgic romp thru our childhoods in an unknown city that is definitely not necessarily Los Angeles. We discuss the whole series (not that we'll ever do commentaries for any of the others) and related properties (altho we forget about the toy set!) as well as the theme of diversity. We marvel at some of the stunts, try to decide which bits to cut, and praise Harris as a cop. We compare the film to Stripes, Animal House, The Bad News Bears, Airplane, and Benny Hill and the Carry On films. We fret a little over the Blue Oyster Bar, altho forget that Steve Gutenberg didn't need cred with the gay community after having starred in Can't Stop the Music with the Village People.

Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we watch the fourth and possibly best or most entertaining Mission: Impossible movie. We compare it to James Bond and Bourne movies, Indiana Jones, the other MI movies, the trailer, NSync videos, and life itself. We discuss the cinematography a lot and marvel at the stunts and lack of theme or motivational complication. We criticize the timetable and the familiarity of some plot elements and how the comedy ramps up when stakes are raised instead of vice versa, but we nevertheless like it a lot. ATTENTION: We are now in the market for a programmer to make a facial recognition app to identify assassins for us.

Join me and Drew of Trek.fm as we relive the same day over and over with Tom Cruise in this heartwarming remake of Groundhog Day. We compare it to The Americanization of Emily, Looper, District 9, Gamer, an actual video game, real life, zombie movies, and other Tom Cruise films. We marvel at the technology both in universe and used to make the film, Tom Cruise's weird flat streak of perfectly good movies, Emily Blunt's yoga/hip-hop exercises, and the idea of mixing US and UK troops in the same unit. We like the movie and eventually figure out what's happening and have a great deal of fun taking it on its own terms and trying to come up with better titles.

Join me and Jimmy B as we look deep into the untold horror and ultraviolence of Predator 2 and like it quite a bit. We discuss the film in context with the first film and the other Predator franchise films. We compare it to RoboCop, Lethal Weapon, Weekend At Bernie's 2, and Toy F—ing Story 3. We indulge in a little social commentary prompted by the events on screen that perhaps strike a little close to home. And we generally have a good time trying to decide if Danny Glover is the right man to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger. (It goes without saying that Maria Conchita Alonso is the right man to replace Jesse Ventura.) We fail to mention that someone thought Shane Black's bad jokes were so fundamental to the success of the first film that Bill Paxton had to be brought in to provide more of them. And WHAT IS UP WITH THE CARS IN THIS MOVIE???

Join Faldor (Martin from Extended Edition podcast) as he joins me again for another go at the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise! It's the heartwarming tale of a band of plucky pirates, most of whom were dead at least once before, who rescue their friend from death and but can't save certain other people for some reason. A bunch of other stuff happens that is hard to remember or explain, most of which is people betraying each other, and Keira Knightly has several costume changes, and Pintel and Ragetti seriously get on my nerves. We examine the tone and motivations, try to figure out who the main character is, analyze the story as a long-form romance, and try to decide what to cut out. We discuss Johnny Depp's portrayal and Keith Richards' cameo. We wander off on a couple of tangents about Lord Nelson, the Patrick O'Brien novels, Treasure Island, and British television actors' pay.