You Are Being Unreasonable

"Eat kale to keep hale." Get in an autumnal cocoon in your baby-seal room with the latest You Are Being Unreasonable episode. This week, we address unreasonable questions and rushing through niche references to ask: Is it unreasonable for a teacher to give a pupil a bag of kale, nature's gag prize? How long should we expect to keep expensive chairs like the ones in Frasier's expansive apartment? Should people ordering fancy coffees be required to stand in the Fussy Queue? And we relitigate Bridget Jones' lean-in feminism *checks notes* 24 years too late.

"The vast spectrum from Coldplay to Ed Sheeran." We all love music, rummaging in our ears for wax, and accumulating cultural capital so we discuss those and other issues of the day. This week, we cover the suggested age ranges of the various BBC Radio stations and what age you should be to enjoy BBC Radio 1, the avant-garde radio plays that Liza Tarbuck puts on on BBC Radio 2, a boss telling his employee excessively and loudly about his DARLING WIFE, stockpiling plastic cotton buds to "rummage in the ear for wax, some new charitable campaigns and the podcast-in-a-podcast, Simon's Tweet Review.

"Rule two: put terrorists... in the bin." Autumn's here! We can really start dressing and we can get into some more Mumsnet threads. This week: paying for things that are later made available for free and telephoning la police; teaching primary school children about 'cancelling' Woody Allen and Roman Polanski; The Fickle Spiteful Gran falling out with her grandchildren and throwing away all their presents; accidentally messaging ex-boyfriends and the WhatsApp Gif Challenge; and depositing hundreds of birds in the bank.

"About once a month, they talk about Gordon Brown and some bigoted woman and no-one knows why." We're taking Alan Sugar's advice this week and getting back to the office. Fortunately our workplace is this podcast and, unlike every other podcast, it's not excruciatingly dull. This week: we take a sweeping look at the limits of the podcast as a medium; we don't tell our colleagues about our lives, our involvement in fight clubs and studying at The Secret University; we dress up for the postman and expose the Obvious Boob; we dress up for Lord Sugar and expose the writing team behind his terrible puns on The Apprentice.

"I'm adamant that Tom Hanks, James Belushi, and Bill Murray are the same people." Conspiracy theories and creepy dolls in this week's episode as we uncover some shocking truths about beloved American actors. This week, we discuss stacked 'speak to the manager' bobs that you can go out with, what to do with creepy dolls and how to kickstart a horror franchise with Mabel and Mabel 2: The Daughtening, which conspiracy theories Mumsnetters think hold some weight largely those to do with Princess Diana, 9/11, Jeffrey Epstein, and Boris Johnson's baby (not one big conspiracy theory), and whether you should put a photo of yourself on your CV alongside your "extensive Microsoft Office skills".

"It's All Gravy Baby... Or Is It?" Another episode of our The Apprentice / Game of Thrones mash-up podcast, Nuggs of Wisdom. Is it unreasonable for landlords to kick fellow human beings out of their homes during an international health crisis? Is building a kickass Wild West town in The Sims 4 nerdy? Why is everyone on Mumsnet so DRAMATIC?! We also run some new features: Mumsnet ASMR and another 'is gravy OK with this specific food?' thread.

"I need to know if Gigolo Joe ejaculates." The Mumsnetters have some funny ideas this week about an underground counterfeit children's books market and taxing robots rather than, say, human billionaires. We'll give all these ideas the attention they deserve as well as discussing social distancing from the Edinburgh Tattoo, whether Spielberg's sex-worker robots ejaculate, how Kafka tried and failed to cancel himself, using eugenics and IQ for dating, and we discover that rarest of things, a Mumsnet thread with no replies from anyone.

"Are priests allowed to vote?" Some real Cronenbergian body horror in this episode as we discover a freethinker who avoids the 'rona by slithering along like a snake, a bathroom carpeted with hair, and Jamie Oliver's wide wide tongue. Very normal podcast. We get to these topics by discussing the difference between sliced bread and toast, a neighbour, a greedy apple-fiend, stealing apples, being a radical freethinker not like the rest of the sheeple, sweeteners in lemonade and which fictional British characters are shy Tories, and going to bed at Pimms o'clock.

"Dressed as a glowstick dressed as a banana dressed as a bridesmaid." This episode is so vid-19. Some genuinely interesting questions this week as Mumsnetters ask why copyright dates on TV shows are shown in Roman numerals and we ask which magician's name is best for a child. Well, maybe that last one isn't so interesting. Among other things, this week we determine the best colour schemes for weddings this year and the best wedding theme, Bananas in Pyjamas, we invent a new incomprehensible system of British numerals to replace Arabic numerals, and we ask if it's reasonable to ask a whole village to be quiet so one person can have a lie-in.

"Why can't you use a child's Doc Marten in lieu of a tampon?" This episode is, for some reason, for the dads out there. But please do feel free to listen if you're not a dad. This week, we talk about how we've all been let down by the UK education system w/r/t skeleton studies, teaching cursive handwriting to infants, the animal rights issues raised by Peppa Pig visiting a zoo, the VAT implications of having a child's frame, and interpersonal conflict on eBay over high-street brand clothing at low low prices.

"What is your shower regime that is so cognitively challenging?" This week, we discuss the extreme variance in satsuma quality in this country and the epidemic of jazz apples among children, a puritanical husband who enjoys frugality, fish fingers, and beans, a smelly work colleague from seven years ago, and a Mumsnetter who has a great scheme to stop the spread of all viruses. We fully support the protests across the USA against white supremacist structures and police violence. If you can, please donate some money for protesters' bail (https://minnesotafreedomfund.org/donate) or for community groups fighting for the memory of murdered Black people (https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd). Black lives matter.

"I mean, that's just what I would do if I were starting a campaign of hateful motivational rocks." We celebrate our second wedding anniversary: the podcast anniversary. As part of our celebrations, we discuss when it's appropriate to do the Macarena under the current circumstances and suggest that the UK Government do the Time Warp, we receive mysterious pebbles with sinister messages on them, we receive a huge box of clothes as gifts every single day and discuss if shoes are clothes, and we wear a truly monumental amount of underwear per day despite the fact that pants are not an infinite resource.

"Press 1 to buy some land." Which supernatural beings are crap? Vampires, for sure. We discuss whether vampires could get the 'rona as well as neighbours demanding money for a mysterious group-buy of McDonald's food, robots with long numbers running sophisticated phone scams about out-of-date chicken goujons, using this time (and massive privilege) to become self-sufficient, and Simon tries out a new tagline for the podcast.

"Why is there always a buffet at this workplace?" COVID-19 will surely lead to massive changes in the way we live in the future. Could it be the end of popping-round culture? Could it be the start of prank-calling culture? Can we wear gymwear on our weekly trip to the supermarket? Are we just going to start leaving our obsolete physical media out on the pavement? Will we start foraging for DVDs? We discuss these sweeping societal changes as well as what to do if your husband and his potatoes are an absolute joke? He's looking like a total clown at the work buffet. 

This week there's a You Are Being Unreasonable quiz! Enter at https://tinyurl.com/yabuquiz

"There's no such site as Mumsnet." An episode of bold takes this week like 'there's no such site as Mumsnet', 'men do not exist', and 'frozen coleslaw is a thing that should be'. This week, we discuss which food-related words are too awful to mention and helpings of school dinners, we change our personalities along with our Mumsnet usernames, we strategically place pineapples for our Zoom meetings, we sing Enter Sandman with our neighbours for the carers, and Helen sends Simon to improv jail.

"Are German nipples the worst?" An Easter special! In which Easter is barely mentioned. This Easter live show was livestreamed on YouTube and you can watch the full unedited video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9TAU7DOf_E Instead of Easter, we discuss the creepy musical children next door, huge bums and the correct way to measure the size of bottoms, how the lockdown has us all saving money and how Gregg Wallace must be pleased about this, we wildly speculate about aliens (or maybe AI) arriving during lockdown, and we hear about Helen's plans for the Kesha jukebox musical.

"Designated survivor, Ian Beale." We're organising clapping for Mumsnetters this week. We're clapping for everyone else in the country so why not Mumsnetters? Mumsnet is full on lockdown nowadays so we cover what counts as essential shopping and whether this includes two cucumbers, how soap operas should handle this global health crisis, how and when to name and shame your neighbours for failing to clap, and if anyone would like to have penises for arms.

"Moral outrage: it's a big phrase for a little chilli." We're still in lockdown and we're all hoarding beans. Or Haribo Bears which can be used in place of beans in many recipes. We'll get into all that culinary sacrilege and also talk about websites where hunky priests discuss if they're being unreasonable, being a grow-your-own hipster mad at this new grow-your-owners during the global health crisis and learning what spaghetti is, changing usernames to prevent being outed as Mumsnetters and being no-filter, no-makeup kind of people, and we discover what 'Netflix and chill' means in front of important business clients. 

"A little ten-year old boy is desperate to go to a toilet paper conference." We're social distancing this week for our first online livestreamed show! If you want to see our faces, you can watch the whole unedited stream at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pviWRPj6wjU In this week's episode, we receive some strange tickets and estimate the cash value of the golden tickets in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, we teach Masterchef presenters about the proper use of pronouns and imagine a new BBC show, Mastergrammarians, we teach children which British politicians are suitable to sing 'Happy Birthday' to and discuss stockpiling washing-your-hands, and we hear about a dream starring an ex with profound implications about our current global situation.