Riverdo's And Riverdon'ts

This is The End. The chapters hit in a machine-gun-like staccato as we more or less begin giving every individual action beat it's own goddamn chapter. And once the dust settles, we're left to cope in the wreckage of a plot that just... didn't make sense on so many levels, in hindsight. But we give it our best shot at reconstruction. We bore witness to the catastrophe, and it's our responsibility to catalogue the damage. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental) M.I.T. Choir - O Fortuna   

There is no bottom. The maelstrom pulls Rob and Quinn shrieking into the fathomless deep as the book somehow gets goddamn even worse. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)   

It gets worse. Somehow, this set of chapters is even worse than the previous set of chapters. I hate it so much. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)  

Well, shit. If called upon, neither Quinn nor Rob could have very precisely articulated what they expected, plot development-wise, when the main 4 finally made it to Shadow Lake. However, it's fair to say that the depth (and commitment level) of utter bullshit that unveils itself through this section was not on ANYONE'S bingo card. If the film INCEPTION was about an author trying to avoid actually telling a story, it would play out a lot like this. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental) 

Prose and Cons is back! And holy hell did we draw some choice material this time. The first two pages of this section contain just about as much wacky nonsense as the preceding 8 chapters put together, and Quinn and Rob put on their very best Forensic Linguist and Forensic Literary Scholar hats to try to make sense of the carnage. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

The Satanic Panic of the 1980's casts a long shadow, somehow, across Riverdale in the Year of Our Lord 2018 or 2019, and hoo boy does it make no sense. Additionally, there appears to be a legitimate cosmic horror being hinted at by multiple characters, now? It's a lot of sauce for a meal with no main dish. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental) Kevin MacLeod - Divertissement    

Time travel, Gargoyle Kings, and Toilet Gun Truthers. This book goes to a level of crazy neither Quinn nor Rob were remotely prepared for. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)   

The nightmare begins anew as Rob and Quinn plunge into the second novel of the Riverdale Ostowverse. There's a frame-job for murder and, more importantly, a house party. Also the text messages seem to be behaving like some sort of invasive species at this point, taking everything over. Oh, and we go on a weirdly long tangent about Scott Pilgrim, if that's your thing. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)    

Quinn and I marvel at the alacrity with which all plotlines are abandoned and the novel essentially crumples its way across the page count finish line and simply turns to dust. And I learn a new fact about Ostow's body of work that tempts me in a dangerous, dangerous way... Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)    

Wow. Looking back at how I described the previous section, I'm having a real "Sweet Summer Child" moment at myself. I derided the first section as " all the nothing these characters are given to do on the morning before the actual story starts happening." What a fool I was. This section is even longer, and basically only 2 things happen. Holy shit! Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)    

Quinn is dragged screaming into the baleful void known to the initiated as The Ostowverse. We tour the first section of Riverdale: The Day Before, which is all the nothing these characters are given to do on the morning before the actual story starts happening. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)   

THIS IS THE END (for now). Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental) 

A somewhat unhinged Rob navigates the penultimate set of chapters in this godawful book. His pain for your pleasure. You're welcome. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

I feel like this batch of chapters is a bit more boring than the previous ones, and I can't tell if it's the lack of a Veronica chapter, or if the WEIGHT of having like... half of one thing occur in the plot exhausted the book temporarily. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

We get a greater profusion of intercalary/epistolary documents in this chapter set, as something wicked Lodge way comes and Rob loses his shit about timeline stuff. Enjoy! Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

All pretense of a format is abandoned as the book tumbles into chaos. Cryptids, prophecies, celebrity name drops not narrated by Veronica, and nearly 100 pages of still not really any plot. Hot damn.Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

 R̷͕̠̪͇͎͕̦o̜͇̪̠͉b͉͔͎ ̢̙͙͚̮̦͉i̺͖s͕̳͇ͅ ͍ͅg̠͚͚ọ͚n̯̺̤e̝.̼͚̲̗͓̲̩̤̼̹̗͕͘O͇̼͚̣̞ͅn̩̹̳̳ĺy̵͍̜̝ ̵̘ṃ̲̹͜ạ͚͚d̰͈n̨̤̫͈͇̥͙̦e̙̬s̸͚̺s̸̪̫ͅ ͈̬͉͘l̝̥̖̙͈̺̼͞i̞̥͟v̷̳̤͎e̹͕s̤̮͝ ̵̱̮͙̖͖̭̞h̢̠̺̖̳͕̲e̱͍̻̙̪ṟ̭̘̣̥̮͢e̬͖͙̫͕͕ͅ ̘̩n͉͓̲̦o̴̙̫̗̫̘w̘̞̦͕̫.̷̗̠͇̦̱̱͖̯̥͘H̼͕̝̬́e͎͓ ̥͓̜̙͉͕̕d͉͎̮̟̖̗ͅo͈̙̘̣̖e͓̲̲̳̩s̘͍͙̜̕n̺̩̤̥͓'͖͎̻͚t ̥̼̟̟̝̗ͅe̩̱͈̘̠v̯͚̙̺͈͈̦e̦̖̤̩n̸̮̝̞̝̯͇̺ ̙͕̱̥̲ͅr̩̱̩̜̻͇e̞͍͇̬a̡͙͓̮l̶̲̩̙i̢̱̺̠̺̦̭̬z̸͓̩͔̝̙̤e̦͍̳͎̤͞,̧͈̲̱ ̞͇̦̻i̠̤̺̪͎̻n̵̻̙̘͖̙̫̩ ̶̝̺ṭ̸h̳̻̤͚͕̩̘i̳̩̟͓s̴͚̯̹̰̘̲ͅ ̵̗̱̝̜͉m͎̱͔ͅo͕͖̺̬͓m̷͉͚̘̼̖e̶̪̫̺ͅͅn͕̳̯̱̟͞t̟̰̙̞̀,̖̹ ̝̥̪̪͚͖̙t̺̱͖h͔̮a̖͔̯̕t̵͎̲͇͖̳ ͓̟̰̲t͙̫h̥͓̩̯̫͘e̞̭̠̜ͅ ̵̲̰̯̮e̸̻̪̼̰̮ͅp̩̪̠̫͇ͅi̛̠̣s̫̞̝̺̭̜ͅt̷̲̤ol͓͚͖̼͕̹͢a̝̥̺͎r̗y͏̦̦̤͖͕̬̮ ̗͇͍ͅf͙̗̣̻̘̜̳o̭r̻̞̭̹m̳̼͔͘a̪ṱ͙̫̻̤̮ ̝̫̘ha͕͕͖̯s̵̠̖̠̠ ̖͕͘b͔͙̜e̡̪̤̹e͏͓ņ̦̤͉̘̲͔͚ ̙͔͎͙̦a̰̕b̬a̵n͉̦͉̙͇̣d̛̠̲͍͎͓on̲͚̤͈͉͓̝͠ḛ̖͍̪͕̗d̠͕̖̠̪.҉̻͈ ̥ͅH̥͖͖̬ḛ̳̪̠̻̥͇͞ ͙̲i̪͖̜ś̯͍ ͖̰̫̜͈̱͚t̤̞̱̹o̗̖͠o͠ ̟̣̺ͅb͎͓̠u̲̟̞̯͎̥͎s͉͈̤̦͉̗̺y ̶̲c̫̫u̻͓̯̖̟̬t̷̫t͎͉̬̤ḭ͉͙̠͍̥n̘̫̖g̫̩̩̳̦̟ ̗͕̣̟͇ͅt͚̫͢h̛̲̣͔̲̳e͉͎̪̫̱͖ͅ ̼̪̱͉̰̯t̺̙̭̺e̤͎̠n̨d̫͕͍̟̻̗eṛ͚̼̹̻̗ͅ ̴̺͔̰f̛̝l͎̣͚e̳̹̱̪͍s̛̝͎̟̭͎̗h̡͉̹ ̨òf̹̬̱͈͈̥̘̕ ḫi҉s̳ ̧̼ẖ̰͍̣̬a͓̬̕n͙̜̘̰͈͙d̵̦̲̣̬̭s̥̦̯̤ ͟u̴̪͕p̥o̸͈̫͖n̷̤ ͢h͕i͜s̺̞͉̙̩̖ ͏̹̬̣̯̗̪̦fr̴̼̠̩͈͈̹a̜̺̲͕̲c̮͎̪t̻̣́

Welcome to Prose and Cons, where Rob torments himself by reading and dissecting the Riverdale tie-in YA novels, of which there are already 2, with at least 2 more planned. We begin this horrible quest with Riverdale: The Day Before, by Micol Ostow. What can a prequel to the first episode of a TV series possibly offer in terms of plot, you might ask? There are no answers here, only pain. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

At long last, we come to the end of our Season 2 journey, and we do so with an episode that, while on the whole a success in terms of moving the plot to an interesting place, still manages to put to film what is probably the most incomprehensibly stupid decision made by a character yet on this show. Join us as we witness the inexplicable success of Hiram Lodge's very bad, very stupid evil plan. Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter. Rob (@LordOfTheStith) Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn) Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

The second-to-last episode of season 2?! Honestly, you'd normally expect that to be the correct headline, but this episode is so bonkers that it doesn't even really matter where in the season it falls. Not since "Shoggoth Box" have we had quite so heightened and absurd an episode, and boy howdy, was it fun forensically reconstructing the story from the giblets splattered on the screen. Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter. Rob (@LordOfTheStith) Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn) Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward