Today I Learned (nothing)

Steve has spent some time officiating his son's little league games and boy does he have some stories! Hear about ump-punishing fart techniques, why Jason's outfield antics were between him and his God, how long you can leave a hurt child lying on a field before action is necessary, and why Steve probably won't be asked to do another season. Batter up! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

In obtaining his first artisanally-crafted mattress, Jason can now teach Steve that they shouldn't have divots or slots for your body and that sleeping on the floor is, indeed, probably bad for your back. However, the height of the new mattress leaves Jason perplexed about certain ... activities. Meanwhile, Steve can teach Jason how to be an unwitting creep on the bus, so creepy even the homeless guy gets more friends than you! What a feat! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason failed to gird his loins for his latest haircut and Steve refuses to go enchilada-style on anything. BONUS: Kranch into some archival audio from Jason's first Sexy Sport Clips Adventure! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve and Jason get personal, and talk about those special lies we tell our children to make our wives happy. Or the wives we make our wives tell. Your mileage may vary. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Summer is nearly here, so it's time for another highlight reel! In this episode, Steve and his non-doctor roommates take turns diagnosing each other, drizzling is a dirty word, why poop should always be as far away as possible, Steve's forced childhood love for Elvira, being welcomed to Tex-Mex in the best way, and teaching our machines to let us curse how we want, when we want. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

A curious Jason delves into his bookshelves and finds a hidden treasure that he wants to share with everyone. Steve lies so often to his family, his daughter has picked up on it. Has the student become the master? --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Ants ... ants can change a man. You've never faced death until you've fought the little buggers for control of your house. Also, Jason sent Steve a package to show how much he means to him, and for his birthday, no less! Finally, Steve sees everything on the bustling streets of Seattle. I mean, EVERYTHING. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

It's the first big milestone for this podcast and to celebrate, Steve thinks you should listen to episode 13 and learn to loathe Jason just a little bit like the rest of us. Also, in Seattle, the sun's out, so guns or buns need to be out, make your choice. Steve also thinks jamming should be related to clams, but Jason nips that one in the bud. Finally, are biscuits and gravy just breakfast nachos? The guys get to the bottom of this classic conundrum. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason went on a quest to hurt his body as much as possible and files his report on the fallout. Steve has thoughts about key rings and doesn't like anything that Jason has going on with his. It's an episode all about giving Steve a headache, Jason's favorite (unintentional) pastime! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve met his guardian angel as he waited for the most fateful burger order of his life. Also, sure, Topher's a thing, but have you ever met a Shua? Finally, Siggdawg and Shindogg prepare to launch their afternoon drivetime show, but are sidelined when Steve decides he wants to learn an instrument. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve took Jason's love of Carly Rae Jepsen to heart and gave her music a chance. Turns out he liked the heavy metal covers better, but hey, progress. The guys also realize you don't have to fear a midlife crisis if you never grow up and Steve uses his wife's absence to up the testosterone in his son's life. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason fears being 1%-adjacent, but probably is already anyways Money will always divide us, but Jason will gladly accept it just the same Steve's mother-in-law weaponized his son's discomfort at petty fights in the family based on money qualms to make sure she always wins Jason teaches his wife how to spit then teaches Steve how to love pop music again. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Don't let Jason know when you're working on a puzzle, he's a puzzle crasher. Don't visit Steve at work, he's a productivity wrecker of the smelliest kind. And whatever you do, don't cook noodles around Steve's daughter. She's a real bloodhound! The episode title comes from this clip from Major League II, one of the funniest scenes in all of cinema.  --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Do birds have enough moral code to not crap on one another? Can a bird fly such a tight loop that it poops on itself? Science demands answers! Also, Jason defends against feline attacks with an umbrella, Penguin-style. It goes about as well as you'd expect. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason reports back on the decadent danger of the Steak Rattlesnake Fries (which include neither steaks nor rattlesnakes), Steve draws his life force from the sinewy meats he so craves, and together, the guys try to come up with the ultimate way to eat a cupcake. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve's writing a kid's book, and it has his son questioning the difficulty of drawing various body parts (we're talkin' butts, mostly). Jason broke a sacred covenant with his wife, and there's no putting that genie back in the bottle. Also, both their daughters are learning the etiquette of public flatulence, a subject both guys have much wisdom about. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Jason tells his tale of a late-evening trip to Taco Bell, the restaurant that is open, even late (though they clearly don't want to be) (and why are you still here, go away). Steve likes the sauce packets they offer, especially the funny little asides they print on them. Also, Ken Jeong's name sounds unfortunately close to another well-known ... let's say celebrity, and it makes for an awkward moment.  --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve finds himself to be an expert on sea mammals all of a sudden and attempts to inform Jason as to their sexual proclivities and methods. It's ... weird.  Jason broke his family's heart with his desire to do anything but fix toilets and design HVAC systems, and he's totally fine with that. Together, the guys plan their mecca-esque trip to the Hidden Valley Ranch while quickly writing an inspirational kid's movie, The Kid Who Hated Balls. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve is on WeChat ... are you? If you're looking for jobs (or jobs) in China, there's a good chance you are! Please follow me for opportunities and possible nip slips. Also, the guys explore the concept of a storage limit to the spank bank. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support

Steve's son is working his butt off on the court for praise and success, while his daughter is just doing what comes naturally with hers. Jason's family is doing well, but his daughter keeps making friends with people that convince him otherwise. However, he does pretty good impressions, so it all evens out in the end. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support