Welcome To Patchwork

No regular Patch this week—but for good reason. We’re gearing up for our Patch 150 Livestream, happening Tuesday, September 10 at 8pm (AEST) on YouTube. Expect some Patchwork trivia, lots of nostalgia, and plenty of technical difficulties. It’s part episode, part celebration, and all Patchwork. Pop it in your calendar, jump on our socials for the link, and come join us live—you might even need to cancel your dinner plans.Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We begin with Josh’s so-called “worst idea ever”: a heated debate about monitor timeout settings that morphs into a discussion about energy saving, screen burn, and whether you can feel your password in your fingers. Then Dion unveils a mysterious crack on his phone’s screen protector—but can’t recall how it happened. Josh is appalled. Christian is strangely sympathetic. Later, we find ourselves in a crowded venue with Josh, hyper-aware he’s blocking a walkway but too polite to say anything. Do you instinctively manage group positioning in public spaces, or would you rather blend in and suffer silently? Finally, Dion tries to eat a chip. But how loud is too loud? We ask: can you tell how noisy your own chewing is? Do you pace your bites? Would you buy concert-proof lolly wrappers? Plus: silent ten-pin bowling, mismatched perceptions of sporting ability, and a surprise theory about crowd flow and height. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to

With Dion back on the mic, we begin by questioning his curious choice to take place his call in another room but on speaker. This quickly turns into a debate about phone etiquette, hands-free habits, and whether Dion’s long-standing fear of mobile radiation is paranoia or just good prep. We also examine the strange acoustics of speaker mics, the performance of whispering taxi drivers, and the phone-in-bra technique favoured by certain mums. Next, we tackle the strange panic that sets in when a rogue soccer ball rolls your way at the park. Josh recounts a high-pressure moment in Princes Park where he had to choose between a casual pass or a full-blown toe-bash. Do you prioritise style or accuracy? Should you stick to the sport’s rules when returning the ball? And is there a small part of all of us that hopes we’ll be immediately recruited? Finally, we chew over one of life’s most quietly stressful conundrums: where do you throw away chewing gum when there’s no bin around? Flick it

From coughing fits to crusty sourdoughs, this episode is made entirely of scraps - old notes, fleeting thoughts, and the kinds of ponderings that once felt too small, too odd, or too unworthy to make the cut. But today, they shine. In this rapid-fire, patchwork-style patch, we discuss: The weird intimacy of bringing a list of topics to dinner Why Christian thinks fridges have made us forget the meaning of "fresh" Is putting found items higher really helping the original owner? Emojis vs. "haha" - which carries more social weight? Nonno throws out a brand new phone, but keeps 1997 soft drinks The stress of coughing while trying to finish a story Walking past a housemate: acknowledge? ignore? perform? The violent pain of sourdough and how to eat it safely “Myriad” reasons to hate people who know they're using “myriad” correctly So grab your blunt knife, lift that lost glove to eye level, and join us as we stitch together a new patch - out of scraps. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, Tik

Christian finally gets his ear pierced — but what does it mean to permanently alter your body? Is it self-expression, a longing for transformation, or simply an overdue homage to a bodybuilding uncle from childhood? Meanwhile, Josh is quietly seething at his neighbours who refuse to bring their bins in — but is it really about the bins, or about the unspoken social contract we all silently agree to uphold? When is it okay to make a fuss? Why do some people seem completely unaware of the space they take up in the world? And is there such a thing as a “gateway piercing”? We also ask: do we secretly believe there’s virtue in pain? Are people with spatial awareness just more evolved? And at what age does it become acceptable to accept candy from a stranger? Whether you’re lying down clutching your partner’s hand before a piercing, or gently nudging your neighbour toward a more aesthetically cohesive streetscape — join us as we sew a new patch into our quilt of frien

With Dion away, Christian and Josh settle in for a two-hander that begins with Christian’s recent holiday — and the logistical challenge of who would feed the cats. Christian reveals he enlisted six different friends (including Josh) and provided an extensive PDF detailing every aspect of Moe and Gus’s care. We unpack the line between thoughtful preparation and over-engineering. Is it helpful or excessive to include things like backstories, indexes, and optional enrichment activities? Should you instruct friends to “play with the cats”? And why do pets seem to get more detailed care notes than actual children? We also explore how people interpret instructions differently and what makes a favour feel like a burden versus a shared act of community. Is it overkill to create a video walkthrough of how to reach your lockbox? Or is it actually a kindness? Later, we shift into kitchen territory to tackle one surprisingly divisive question: should you stir your drinks with a fork or a sp

We begin this patch with Josh recounting a recent trip to the Great Australian Beer Spectacular and Dion arriving at the wrong venue, shitting himself. Which kicks off a discussion about lateness, accountability, and how best to communicate when you're running behind. Should you send an ETA, or photographic proof of your position? Is sharing a live location too passive? And do you owe other people in the queue an explanation when a friend joins you at the front? Christian posits whether his favourite ice cream flavour should be buried at the bottom of a cone, and whether we should be given more agency when ordering ice-cream - from scoop order to portion size. Christian also shares his short-lived stint as an ice cream attendant. We also consider when it’s acceptable for Josh to trust a student dentist with the care of his teeth, and where we draw the line between acceptable cost-cutting and unnecessary risk.  And what actually defines a “professional”? Is it skill, training, pay,

How do you answer a phone call from someone you know? Christian insists on full name protocol, Josh still lives in landline times, and Dion’s trying to avoid getting deepfaked by AI. We discuss phone etiquette, voicemail anxiety, and the emotional scars of group chats that never end. Then it’s off to Plenty Gorge, where Christian wears sensible activewear and Josh casually turns up in jeans. We question what counts as a hike, how many hills justify a sweat, and whether bringing water on a “walk” is ever truly necessary. From there, it’s bags, where Josh’s military-grade backpack becomes the fourth guest on the show! Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.c

Christian’s car is on empty, Josh’s brain is on husk, and Dion thinks a mouse has a mortgage. Christian kicks things off by pushing his car well past the fuel light, trusting the mysterious dot-dot-dot to get him home. Josh prefers a more conservative two-thirds–full approach, and Dion shares his experience of running out of petrol almost within reach of the bowser. We compare our refuelling habits, quietly question each other’s life choices, and try to remember what side the fuel cap is on. Things then shift to mice. Dion’s convinced they have homes. Josh wonders where they go to sleep, and Christian’s interested in what spiders are doing with all their neatly wrapped flies. We also touch on skirting board secrets and psyllium husk. Finally, we introduce you to our very own large language model, PatchGPT. With very special guests Elon Husk and Snap Rat. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the sh

Dion has finally succumbed to caffeine dependency, and Christian and Josh interrogate his new addiction. What makes a good coffee order? Why does Dion refuse to learn the difference between a flat white and a cappuccino? Meanwhile, Christian grapples with existential dread every morning, and Josh suggests he simply “get in the shower.” We question whether professional athletes should thank water runners, why tennis demands silence while Formula 1 drivers scream for their lives, and whether football players ignore the national anthem to appear cool. Plus, Dion reveals a deeply unsettling secret about his morning alarm. -- Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwo

In this Patch, we crown pizza as the best party food for a large group of people before trying to define some rules around quantity, presentation and flavour. Christian feels that hosts must announce the arrival of the pizza to the party, Dion reflects on the pathetic image of guests hovering around unopened pizza boxes and we collectively ask if any other food could act in pizza's place. Josh then recounts a supermarket stakeout involving a would-be Heineken slab thief, and we ponder the ethics of 'dobbing' as an adult. Do you really care about someone stealing from a large supermarket chain? Dion targets Josh for wearing two novelty items to the recording before Josh ponders his responsibilities as a 'tall person' in a crowd. Is there tall privilege? Are taller people really more attractive? Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our 

Dion and Christian argue over whether someone can feel proud of arriving to a location on time. Josh tries to share a frustrating experience of being stuck in a queue that wasn't moving at the Australian Open but neither Dion or Christian can understand what he's saying. After some translating, we discuss the circumstances that might make someone leave a queue early and whether those circumstances change when waiting in a phone queue. Finally, Dion asks Josh and Christian to really consider whether the Imperial system is superior to the Metric system and we decide on which unit of measurement we would take with us to a desert island. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchw

We're back with Season 10! Misdelivered packages, passive-aggressive laundry, and the correct way to clean a percolator. This week Dion's Rooibos Challenge for a Fridge Friend takes a turn for the ethically ambiguous. Josh reveals the depths of his percolator cleanliness standards, and Dion confronts Christian on his plan to install roller shutters and 24/7 security cameras in his new home. Are they a symbol of suburban bliss or too Italian?  Plus, a typically spirited debate on the concept of "normal wear and tear". Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

After 27 weeks, 3 additional kilos and no ageing, Dion is back in the Patchwork Studio! He tells us some brothy stories of his culinary experiences and recalls an awkwardly silent breakfast experience at a hostel. We then discuss what factors make for a positive hostel experience - is atmosphere or cleanliness more important? Does that answer change if some of the other guests absolutely stink? Christian gets frustrated at the volume of zippers and we try to invent a better closing mechanism for luggage. We then wonder, why do we find nature beautiful? Christian then asks Dion and Josh whether we are obliged to mow our neighbours' nature strips? Is it an act of aggression to only mow up to the boundary of your property? Is it strange to buy gifts for your neighbours when you move into a new property? Dion proposes a borderless society where we can freely wander into each other's homes and Josh recalls an angry anti whipper snipping neighbour.  Finally, we practice being assertive. Follow us on Insta

After countless people telling him to get one, Christian has finally purchased an air fryer and won't shut up about it! But what really is an air fryer? Is it just small oven? Is small oven better cook reddit? As the discussion develops, both Christian and Josh lose the ability to form full sentences but manage to discuss the research and development behind air fryer pre configured modes.  For your main course, how much do you give a coworker departing a workplace? Josh poses this question to Christian after being faced with a similar conundrum at work. Would it change your mind if the recipient didn't know how much money you were giving? Do you even need to give them a gift? And while we're at it, when signing a farewell card, do you read what other people have written? Would you let AI write the message for you? Josh and Christian then cover off the minutiae of signing a farewell card from length and angle to location.  Finally, we debate whether to write a message above and below the template text on the r

After another lengthy break, Josh and Christian are back in the WTP studio and the first thing they can think to talk about is how podcast consumption aint what it used to be. It's all content, content, content these days! Maybe if we posted a little more regularly, we would actually have some content to turn into clips.  Christian kicks off the 'content' by recalling a recent interaction with a colleague/friend of Josh's who claimed that she was 'good at napping'. Christian was stunned. Isn't napping something that needs to happen organically and without planning? Is there a way to hack the system and seamlessly insert a nap into your day? Josh has a few strategies to help Christian nap better including arm placement and a reason to wake up. The conversation works it's way to Christian and Josh laying out the blueprints for a new room designed entirely for to streamline your pre-bed routine and, victims of volcanoes. Christian then asks Josh for advice on how to handle the situation when you've sent a voice

We have wiped away the emotional cobwebs of the Depression Sessions and are ready for a little more unstructured fun. Christian picks up on Josh's brute force attempt to bring colour to the podcast before we both become self-conscious of our most overused phrases. We quickly move onto discussing workplace attire and some of the characters in our workplaces. Is there anything wrong with wearing an oodie to work? Is wearing a suit antiquated?  Christian reflects on the clever parenting technique his Mum employed to make him do a law degree while Josh reckons with how casually he has adjusted to an increase in  spending to match his salary. We then grapple with the unfortunate reality that some people make more money than others despite their jobs having very little utility to the world. We then change topic to a conversation about changing topics. Josh tells Christian about an attempted hard steer topic change at a recent party. Did he need a proper segue between topics or can Josh just launch into what he want

On a cold Monday night in August 2024, tired from just existing, Josh and Christian decided to record Patch 133, "The Depression Sessions" aka Frankly Mr Chatly. For any first time listeners, this is not the Patch for you.  Christian and Josh reflect on winter and the sadness of realising that you're already half way through the year. Christian and Josh then exchange some stories from a night out the week before; Christian looks like a little boy, Josh accidentally made a back zipper on his costume's pants. After a rubbish day, how do you self soothe? Do you get cosy like Josh? Do you need to numb your brain like Christian? Christian and Josh discuss ASMR, weighted blankets and keeping your mind distracted. Christian then asks Josh whether there's a healthy level of overthinking? How do you handle overthinking? Are you a good communicator? We then throw down some real introspection about our capacity to communicate with those around us. We also ask, what are your tools for falling asleep? Finally, we get real

Christian and Josh are joined in the Patchwork studio by the handsome and hilarious Nelson Allingham, host of the Read It On Reddit podcast. Christian welcomes Nelson by confessing that he often passively listens to his podcast while completing chores before tragically revealing that he prematurely retired one of his jumpers from rotation by wearing it to bed. Nelson sympathises and offers a compromise of sleeping with no clothes but believes one of the tell tale signs of a sleep top, is the neckline. Josh reflects on waking himself up while sleep talking; Nelson sleep barks.  Christian then opens up to Josh and Nelson about having a fridge full of half filled jars of different sauces, pastes and whatnots. How do you prevent this from happening? Should you use the entire contents of the jar every time a new one is opened, like Nelson and Josh? Or do you wait for the mercy of mould before you throw the jar out? Josh gives us the lowdown on the sharehouse experience while Christian sings the praises of baby foo

While they were busy lining up the next Patchwork guest host, Christian and Josh decided to kill two birds with one stone and turned their long overdue catch up with Dion into content for the podcast. Through the miracle of "internet", Dion joins Christian and Josh in the studio to talk through some highlights from his trip including visiting an active volcano, repelling black bears with a bell, buffet breakfasts, why Josh loves processes, making nitpicky friends while overseas, the etiquette of bowing, Japanese electronic stores, Samsung Bidets, and Dion nailing his social media presence. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.