Battlecast Presented By Meltdown Comics

"OHHHH NOOOOO JAMES ISN'T THERE!? THAT SUUUUUCKS!!!11" said no one ever. JK we love James. Almost as much as when he isn't there. Burrrrrn. But in all seriousness, Battlecast. Lol right? Dan picks one of his favorite characters evvvvvver and the protagonist of one of the bombest trilogies of Australian New Wave cinema to date, Mad Max (Dan). Dirk is sitting in for James in his absence and picks a character James is sure to hate, Jon Snow (Dirk). Who cares though because Jon Snow is the bomb ass dank ass gangster level boom boom. Oh yeah, and it allll goes down at Elon Musk's Tesla Gigafactory. Don't forget to charge the batteries, Battlecast really drains the juice. Warning: THE AUDIO IS ALL F'ED UP AT THE END WE'RE SORRY SORRY SOZ

Who the hell is Gypsy Danger (Andy) you rightfully ask? The main Jaeger from Pacific Rim. Yes, that ol' rat-fink Andy is holding true to his commitment to piss James off by being only gigantic characters in this season of Battlecast. Dan on the other hand is still picking totally fair and well-balanced characters such as DIABLO (Dan) THE LORD OF ALL THE FEIRY PITS OF HELL AND SUCH. Surgeon General Warning: Shake well before opening, this episode contains artificial humorings. Additional Warning: There's a lot of weird porn out there.

Our names is… Dan-zula, the dice rula, the pants poo-a, you wanna strip, he’ll watch ya do it. Dirklock and he's on lock, research you like a rock (geologically), Andwad, you up next with your hangy-blocks. Andwad make an honest living see, Andwad get a smattering of honeys G, Drivin' in his beemer, lookin’ like a flamer, Watches on his fingers and his toes and he's a Capricorn. Uh! Check-check it, yeah. Cause we are the Battle Teens, make the homies say ho and other homies wanna scream! Battle Teen Podcast Squad, Number one in the hood, G. Oh yeah and also James. Ultron (James) vs. Cthulhu (Andy) in Aqua Teen Hunger Force House Make sure to butter the pan before you insert the episode, it's time to flip Battlecast! Warning: Andy is ungrateful.

Yaaay! No more crappy 'tween-season filler crap. It's finally here! Season 6 HAS ARRIVENED. We blast right off into the ethosphere with an episode full of kick-ass ass-kicking and spine-tinglingly droll stories from the Battlecast dudes. Today's battle is the queen of Metroid-killing, Samus Aran (Dan) vs. the creepiest looking guy in a hockey mask after Alexander Ovechkin (google it), Jason Vorhees (James). Allllll of this goes down in the world famous theme park, Itchy and Scratchy Land! We fight. We fight. We fight and fight and fight. Fight, fight, fight. Fight, fight, fight. The Battle and Casty shooooooooow.Warning: No open bar.Records reset after last season:Dan 0-0, Andy 0-0, James 0-0

It's that time of the year while between official seasons of Battlecast, we record a bunch of random nonsense and try to run it past you guys as a real episode. We know it doesn't work, but we do it anyway. This week's version of that is ZOOCAST! We went to the world famous San Diego Zoo and recorded a mishmash of observations with an actual battle in the middle of it. In today's animal themed battle, it's DC's mostly ridiculous Animal Man (Dirk) vs. the main character from the late 90s Transformers spin-off Beast Wars, Optimus Primal (Dan). The battleground is of course, the SD Zoo.   Remember to keep your palms flat as you feed the podcasters their designated feeding pellets. It's time for Zootlecast. Warning: Andy was a Llama in a past life.

It's finally here folks- the super shitty audio we were left with from our live show. due to a series of very Battlecast-eqsue technical difficulties, the listenable audio from our live show was lost in an abyss of dismembered genitalia and Andy's tears. So this will have to do if you wanna get a taste of how our live show went. It's Captain Planet (Dan) vs. the T1000 robot (Andy) at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Suck in your gut, there are ladies present- it's time for Battlecast.   Warning: Thanks for coming to our show. Better turn-out than we could have expected. And as always, thanks for listening, reviewing, and telling a friend about our show. Means more to us than you'd ever know.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 5 SEASONS O' THIS?!? We hardly can, but we are super grateful and honored that you guys have stuck around and shared the gospel of Battlecast with anyone who wouldn't be immediately disgusted by the prolifically phallus-related discussions. James is coming in hot with 5 characters- Cloud Strife, Agent Smith, Joe Fattone (lol), Dexter, and Scarecrow. Andy's doing aight with Godzilla, Brain (no Pinky), and Sonic the Hedgehog. And Dan... oh Dan. He didn't win a single match this season himself. He's got Mulan. And Maybe Space Ghost. Grasp the ancient monkey paw betwixt your fingers, but be careful what you wish for; it's time for Battlecast. Warning: LIVE SHOW IS TOOOOONIGHTRecords after last episode:Dan 1-5, Andy 3-3, James 5-1

BOOM! DIRKEO!! That's right folks. Everyone's favorite member of Battlecast will be sitting in to fight on Andy's behalf. Our story takes place in the Italian Renaissance where Sonic the Hedgehog (Dirk) engages in mostly mortal combat against the boomstick and chainsaw weilding Ash Williams (Dan) from the Evil Dead and Army of Darkness movies. Close your eyes and wish to God that the Angels will finally win the pennant- here comes  Battlecast, here comes Battlecast, right down Battlecast Lane. Warning: James is drunk.Records after last episode:Dan 1-4, Andy 2-3, James 5-1

We hold absolutely to the fact that if anyone ever gets "fired" from Battlecast, it'll be James. Why? LOOK AT THE FUCKING CHARACTERS HE PICKS OMG WTF?!? Yes, he also does horrifically moronic stuff that makes for great stories but really? N fucking SYNC? Ok fine. You do you James. Through the power of music, NSYNC (James) comes out to the setting for Umbrella's T-Virus outbreak from Resident Evil to take on the sorta-blind maniacal madman, Riddick (Andy). Start inflating, the stewardess will be with you shortly. It's time for Battlecast. Warning: Teenage versions of the BC boys were arguably even sicker. And not like socal sick. Just sick.Records after last episode:Dan 1-4, Andy 2-2, James 4-1    Enjoy!

We would like to publicly apologize for the fact that every single episode of this show quickly devolves into wiener-jokes. We never intended this to happen, but apparently if you put a few pathetically immature dudes in a room together, eventually they just start talkin' 'bout peens.Thankfully that's not allll we talk about on this week's episode. We also battle. One of the greatest thing to come out of the 90s, Earthworm Jim, takes on another great child of the 90s, Agent Smith from The Matrix trilogy. Hey and for once we're actually timely on a cultural reference and we're fighting at Coachella 2015. Hooray, us!!So apply the ointment while we prep the cortizone, it's time for Bonercast. Battleboner. Bonerbattle. Battlecast. Yeah that one. Warning: Prepare to miss Dirk.Records after last episode:Dan 1-3, Andy 2-2, James 3-1    Enjoy!

Ever wondered what it would be like to spend an afternoon in Andy's room in Toy Story? Us neither. Also this episode won't satisfy that craving at all. Frankly, I don't know why I opened this description with that question. I blame the pain killers I'm on. WOOOOOO. It's the dynamic rodent duo Pinky and the Brain (Andy) vs. the enigmatic slave to his all-powerful father's wishes, The Prince (Dan) from the Katamari Damacy series. As previously stated, this thang-a-rang goes down in the Toy Story universe. Pucker up your buns and pop in some ear-buds, cuz this Battlecast shiz be NSFW as F.     Warning: Heavy debate over the best Toy Story movie. Records after last episode: Dan 1-2, Andy 1-2, James 3-1         Enjoy!

Yes, we are all tearing through House of Cards right now. But why not take a break and see how ol' Francis Underwood (Andy) would handle duking it out against one of Batman's arch-nemesises, The Scarecrow (James). And heck- why not have the whole thing go down on the set of Saturday Night Live?! Why not indeed... Tie one on and inject your veins with the warm gooey goodness that is Battlecast.   Warning: Emotions run hot toward the end there. Records after last episode: Dan 1-2, Andy 1-1, James 2-1         Enjoy!

It's one of the most epic battles in Battlecast history. Two of the ballerest protagonists in all of the late 90s. It's the most dangerous man in the world, with a bounty of 60 billion double dollars on his head, The Humanoid Typhoon, Vash the Stampede (Dan) of the much beloved anime, Trigun. He meets former soldier, wielder of materia, and main character of one of the most acclaimed RPGs of all time, Cloud Strife (James). All this goes down in none other than a map from Team Fortress 2. Perfect right? You'll see. It's time to strap in and watch the world go KABOOM in this weeks installment of Battlecast.   Warning: Andy is the most confusing judicator ever. Records after last episode: Dan 1-1, Andy 1-1, James 1-1         Enjoy!

It's a very Valentime's Battlecast episode featuring more girls than have ever been on an episode of the show. What started as Dan vs. Andy then transformed into Dirk vs Andy which then transformed into Dirk's female guest vs. Andy's female guest. The girls choose Disney characters and we pull out our Disney themed wheel which places us in Agrabah. It's Elsa (Ava + Andy) vs. Mulan (Anneke + Dirk). It's a whole new world of shitty Disney cross-overs. We love you.   Warning: Best. Hashtags. Ever. Records after last episode: Dan 0-1, Andy 1-0, James 1-1         Enjoy!

Welcome to the Australian Outback! A wonderful place where swarms of koalas and Crocodile Dundees run rampant. Andy has chosen the king of monsters, Godzilla (Andy), and James has picked one of his favorite characters of all time, The Man in Black (James) from everyone's favorite annoyingly question-not-answering ABC show, LOST. It's Japanese radioactive super-monster vs. a mythical smokey enigma. Woo.   Warning: Be prapared to fear for your genitals. Records after last episode: Dan 0-1, Andy 0-0, James 1-0         Enjoy!

HAPPY ONE-YEAR BATTLECAST-VERSARY!!!! Yes. We've been doing this for a year now. And what do have to show for it save a lot of stories about handjobs and soiled trousers? A lot of fond memories, that's what! We kick season 5 off (get it? oh wait I haven't mentioned the battleground yet...) at the big American Football game that decides the winner for that given year. The S***R B**L!!!!! It's Dan as adventure-loving canine, Jake the Dog (Dan) and James as enigmatic justice-killer, Dexter (James)! Who's going to take home the S***R B**L ring? Is T*M BR**Y going to throw for over 200 yards? Is R**SELL WI**ON going to do things too??! Maybe.   Warning: Sorry sports-fans. Records after last episode: Dan 0-0, Andy 0-0, James 0-0     Enjoy!

Frasier. Seinfeld. Friends. What do they all mean?   Hell if we know- we just make them engage in mortal combat... Andy as Chandler Bing, Dan as George Costanza, and Dirk as Dr. Frasier Crane- it's the Sitcom Showdown to end all Sitcom Showdowns. Also for some reason the fight takes place at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Minneapolis. We'll explain.   Warning: Some of the best stories in Battlecast history. Enjoy and Tell a Nerdy Friend!

What on earth do you mean, Resurrection Cast?   Isn't it obvious?! We get to pick characters from the past that have died and if we win with them- we get to use them in Season 5! Pretty rad-badical, no? Andy has brought back to life, the trundling flop-master, Dick-Butt. James picks his favorite (and everyone elses least favorite) Lady Gaga. Lastly, Dan chose the first character to ever die on the show- Space Ghost. Warning: Dan's childhood was sad. Enjoy and Tell a Nerdy Friend!

4 (Dan) vs. 3.5ish (James) vs. 2 (Andy) You know the rules, people. Each of our winning characters from throughout Season 4 are back as our respective champions. Dan's team of four includes Raphael, Nicola Tesla, Sarah Kerrigan, and Bowser. James's three-and-a-half-man squad is Annie, Deadpool, and the mortally wounded Captain Falcon. Last and most definitely least, Andy's gruesome two-some stands with Deadpool and Agent Coulson. To the winner goes the spoils! Meaning the Katana Trophy and a spoonful of pride.Warning: WHAT of the month club?Record after last episode... Andy 2-4, Dan 4-2, James 3.5-3.Enjoy.

Oops, we did it again. Broke the 4th wall that is. Our fearless leader Dan Brozo (Andy) has fallen through the infamous and much debated "4th wall", landing himself squarely in the center of a battle against THE King Koopa, Bowser (Rob). The wheel put us in Shadow Moses... the setting of Metal Gear Solid for this match against two reptilian ginger tyrants. The Shyamalanian twist is that Andy is playing as Dan fighting against Rob playing for Dan. What? It's all here in this pamphlet.   Warning: Lotsa porn talk in this one...   Records after last episode: Dan 3-2, Andy 2-3, James 3-3     Enjoy!