Unsoulmated Podcast (or How To Ruin A Lasting Marriage With A Divorce)

Day 44. The act of masturbation for myself had been stunted by my wife's long-running criticalness of my sexuality outside of the two of us. Her judgmental view on using pornography for masturbation put a barrier for myself emotionally regarding that avenue of sexual stimulation. But now my mind is free to explore all realms that she would have looked down on. But why can I not enjoy that freedom right now?

Day 43. I have come to the place in my healing to embrace the fact that there are plenty of fish in the sea and I can actually start window shopping again. But I don't know if I remember how to do so.

Day 42. It turns out one of my early comfort friends had been playing espionage for quite some time and this discovery activates a new level of caution I now have to employ when building my support network.

Day 41. A common tactic of a narcissist is the use of gaslighting. This form of manipulation can be deeply damaging to the victim of this kind of abuse and can leave permanent scarring to victim's self esteem if not addressed.

Day 40. I evaluate the kinds of "love" that existed in my marriage and come to the understanding that my wife may never have truly loved me but was mostly with me out of convenience.

Day 39. Like watching a murder mystery movie unfold, I re-examine my relationship with my wife and all the clues are there that she was not my soulmate after all and, in a way, it makes her decision to end our marriage the right decision in that I will have freedom from her at last.

Day 38. I start a new running program to add to my workout routine but on the first day, I face a decade long fear of being struck by lightning but find that the recent events have given the strength to face those fears head on.

Day 37. A departure from the norm, I brainstorm the ultimate revenge I would take -- if I were a revenge seeking type. But I am not and I will not do what I come up with and I urge everyone listening to not ever do it either. Getting into some dark territory with this one, folks.

Day 36. Friends start telling me I am being too nice and I ponder the idea of being vengeful towards my wife to hurt her the way she hurt me.

Day 35.B. I take a moment to reflect on my better understanding of what empathy is and how my wife's lack of it has taught me to be more empathetic in life.

Day 35. Positive days are far and few between so when I have one, I need to embrace it. And although this day may not sound positive, it's all I have right now.

Day 34. My wife regrets her harsh words from the night before and as things fall back into place, an old friend's message to her reveals more of my wife's hypocritical perspectives in life.

Day 33. A bad dream that I have leads to more arguing and eventually ends the day with a declaration from my wife that does not bode well for any kind of friendship to remain.

Day 32. My wife inadvertently reveals that she has been cyber stalking one of my support group peers and I don't know what to make of her reaction to how HOT my friend is.

Day 31.B. A silly little short segment of me just listing the many different things I have been able to accomplish while my wife is out spending time with her boyfriend. Nothing substantial. Just a way to keep myself from being depressed.

Day 31. I do some research and a huge discovery opens my eyes to things I have ignored but at the same time, forces me to have to be in agreement with someone I have always hated.

Day 30. My mine wanders into dark territory and I use humor and social interaction to help me get through. My wife disapproves of my cry for help.

Day 29. There is now a painful silence between my wife and me that is killing me inside. The silence represents the end of a 15+ year friendship that I have to learn to accept.

Day 28.B. A follow-up to this day in which my wife stays out much later than she had promised, once again. I'm tired. I'm sure she's tired. But that's her problem. Isn't it?

Day 28. I worry about how the divorce will affect our children, specifically my older son who is very sensitive and question my wife's commitment to doing the right thing for them.