The Couples Expert

This is an Encore Presentation, this podcast originally aired in June of 2017.  Welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with Stuart Fensterheim. We have an unusual topic this week; first responders and the importance keeping your connection strong. If you have a first responder in your family, are married to one or have a friend who is, take a listen to the podcast today. First responders are those brave individuals who run towards danger when everyone else is running away. It takes a special kind of grit and purpose to do that kind of work. It also takes a special kind of person to be in a relationship or be married to a first responder. It can be a chaotic, sometimes lonely kind of life. Stuart talks about some of the special challenges associated with being in a relationship with a first responder. Whether they be armed forces, reserve military, police, fire or other emergency services, these special individuals give a lot of themselves to the job. The partners, families and spouses of first responders are s

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. This is episode 178 of our show. Thank you for joining us today as Stuart talks about something that we will all be facing at one time or another. You may already be there : the impact of retirement on your love relationship. How will you and your partner spend your retirement years?  Listen as Stuart talks about how to cope with this major change in your life and what you can expect while heading into this new phase of living together with your partner. Stuart just returned from a cruise with his wife. There was some worry and anxiety about going to London after the recent terror attacks there. Deciding not to let the bad guys win, they decided to go and have a great time in spite of the worry. He’s renewed and refreshed and excited to be back bringing you the expert advice you’ve come to expect. What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: What it’s like to be retired. Fantasy vs. Reality Stuart’s dreams of re

Hello and welcome to this encore presentation of The Couples Expert. This is episode 177 of our show. This podcast originally aired in January of 2017.   Today Stuart discusses how couples should go about preparing for marriage. If you’re in a love relationship with your partner and you’re planning a wedding, or if you have friends and family that are going to be married, this podcast is for you. Marriage is big step, and The Couples Expert is here to help you set off on the right path to a successful and happy married life. Stuart welcomes guest and colleague Kelsey Blythe who had joined The Couples Expert staff at the time of this podcast to discuss premarital counseling and issues surrounding getting ready for marriage. What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: Working on maintaining your relationship is vitally important to a happy marriage 9:50 Premarital counseling gives you a roadmap to marriage and commitment  17:30 Emotionally Focused Therapy as the basis for premarital counseling strengthens your con

Welcome to our encore presentation of The Couples Expert podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This episode originally aired in March of 2017. This is episode 176 of our show. Stuart’s guest on the show is Marisa Cohen, A professor at St. Francis College in Brooklyn, NY and the Director of the Self-awareness and Bonding Lab. Marisa is an expert in gender differences and science of relationships. Stuart and Marisa will be discussing how online dating impacts couples and what is the possibility that online dating can lead to marriage? Thanks for tuning into The Couples Expert Podcast! What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: Why Marisa changed her focus to relationships in school [3:49] Attachment theory IS science- based [5:27] How online dating impacts relationships and marriage [6:43] What men and women lie about on online dating sites [11:45] Online dating sites gives socially awkward people a chance to meet people [14:09] People can feel free to be more authentic when communicating online [19:38] Mari

This is an Encore Presentation, this podcast originally aired in May of 2015 so please ignore the contest and the Mother’s Day greetings.   Hello and welcome to this encore presentation of The Couples Expert Podcast with your host , Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. Listen in as Stuart talks about emotional affairs and the impact of these on your love relationship. What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: Emotional infidelity can be a bigger violation than having sex with another person outside your relationship   [5:18] Definition of an emotional affair [12:04] When Harry Met Sally “Just going to be friends” [15:05] We all crave an emotional connection [16:43] When you click with someone who’s not your partner [18:15] There are boundaries at work when you’re married  [25:13] How we stop the affair and what comes next [31:25] There are consequences for breaking your vows [33:25] The affair has to stop, no question. You have to break off contact with that person. You can no longer spend time with them o

Welcome to our encore presentation of The Couples Expert podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This episode originally aired in September of 2016. This is episode 174 of our show. Stuart’s guest today is Alicia Taverner. Alicia is a MFT therapist in CA working with people on trust issues and helping women find the calm within the storms in their lives. Alicia and Stuart are discussing infidelity from a female perspective. Thanks for listening. Stuart talks a bit about his passion for the work that he does and gives a run down on his past occupations and how he ended up as The Couples Expert. What you’ll learn on today’s podcast: Introduction to Alicia and how she became a therapist 7:31 You can’t go back after an affair, you must start over 11:05 The differences Stuart has with an attachment theory approach 15:35 Therapy digs deeper to a place of vulnerability 19:25 How can you know infidelity won’t happen again? 22:30 Affairs are not simply sexual 24:03 Where the apology comes in  30:35 That moment whe

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 173 of our show. Today Stuart talks about coping with separation issues in your relationship related to work. How do we keep a close and connected relationship with our partners when we don’t get to spend a lot of time together?  Listen as Stuart discusses this important topic. There are so many fun holidays in July and Stuart wants you to celebrate them all! Aunt and Uncle’s Day, Bugs Bunny’s Birthday and National Chili Dog Day are all happening at the end of this month! What’s your favorite holiday in July? What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: Codependency is a healthy part of all love relationships The division of labor changes when you’re on your own It’s important that you talk about the issues around being apart Technology helps us stay connected Commit to connecting daily to stay close via email, text, Skype or Facebook Make your time together important and focus on your love Video chat is great for s

Hi and welcome to The Couples Expert.  This is episode 172 of our show. Today Stuart welcomes guest Allana Pratt to the podcast. Allana is an author and intimacy expert who specializes in helping people to open up and find a place of authenticity within themselves. Everyone has the desire to be heard, to be seen for who they are, and to have the ability to share their true selves with a partner. Listen as Stuart and Allana discuss this very important topic. What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: Control your thoughts, control negativity 2:49 Being comfortable within yourself so others can see you 5:50 Working from the inside out requires no approval  8:34 The difference between conditional and unconditional self-love 16:45 How I accept my partner, when I’m not happy with them 18:56 Awakening the sacred and sexy & the noble badass within 21:55 Fear of abandonment, of love and lack of trust stay with us 30:19 Don’t be afraid of the work, the benefits are well worth it 33:21 When you go back and act as yo

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. This is episode 171 of our show. Today Stuart is going to be discussing the impact of lies and deceit on your love relationship. There’s nothing more uncertain than questioning whether you can count on what your partner is telling you is the truth. Can you believe what your partner is telling you? Is your partner really there for you? What kind of relationship do you have if your partner is lying? What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: Trust is the foundation of the relationship 2:38 Omission is deception 4:07 Lies mean that you don’t have a true partnership 7:29 You should be sharing everything together 9:28 Fear, shame or guilt is the basis for avoiding certain subjects 11:15 White lies are still lies 15:53 It’s so important that you’re authentic with each other. There should never be a reason that you would deceive your partner in any way. Be yourself, say what’s real and you can be confident that your

Welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode number 170 of our show. This week, Stuart is joined by guest Mickie Zada, who runs the Surviving Abuse Network. Mickie left her abusive marriage 16 years ago after over 30 years of abuse. She helps women get out of abusive situations and begin to heal.   What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:   We can live in denial of  abuse for a very long time 1:41   There’s so much trauma that women in abuse hold onto 3:48   It can all look perfect from the outside. It’s a facade 7:54   Emotional abuse is dramatically worse than physical abuse 9:20   Be open with your kids about the abusive behavior to educate them what is right and wrong 11:19   Shame and guilt are a part of the cycle and why victims don’t talk about abuse in their lives 13:38   Fear of walking away with nothing can keep women from fighting back 16:40   Financial abuse - When the abuser is controlling access to the money is a big red flag 17:47   Men

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast. Stuart is talking today about a subject you don’t hear much about. It’s an adult subject, so please use discretion when listening or use your headphones! This is episode 169 of our podcast. Listen as Stuart talks about using sex as a weapon or for leverage in the relationship. Have you ever done that? You’d be surprised how many couples do. Summer is here and we’re all spending more time with our partners and families. Stuart recommends taking couples vacations to spend time and connect with your partner. Work on your relationships and get closer and more connected. Remember how important your intimate life is, and cultivate that.     What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: The impact on couples who can’t be in the same space together 3:44 You need to examine your commitment if you feel like leaving your shared space  8:03 Sex is an essential ingredient to a happy and satisfying relationship 9:20 If you can be satisfied with having an unhappy partner that’s th

Hi and welcome to The Couples Expert with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 168 of our show. Today Stuart talks about the concept of being in a relationship with your soulmate. Do you need to be with a person you consider to be your soulmate in order to have a close and connected relationship? Is having a soulmate always a positive thing?  Listen as Stuart explains what it means to have a soulmate.   What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: Definition of a soulmate vs. a life partner  1:12 Life partners come after we’ve had a few soulmates to grow from 7:37 Communicating what you need to your partner is crucial 10:05 We put up barriers to receiving love 15:57 The two of you can do this together, expect it to work 17:43 It takes true commitment and dedication on the part of both partners for you to succeed. You have to erase all doubt about the outcome, and live and love each other every day . Show love, appreciation and kindness, and above all, communicate. You and your partner have to be able to

Hello and welcome to episode 167 of The Couples Expert Podcast. We’re so happy you’ve joined us for one of my (and I hope your) favorite topics. Stuart is ready to tell you all about how to make your partner feel loved and important and so special in your life. The gift that keeps on giving is the gift of birthday sex!   Stuart is examining being a therapist and dealing w/ individuals with mental health issues. Sometimes clients go off the deep end and it’s scary as a counselor.  In voicing that concern to his wife Stuart and she had a discussion about how he was reacting to the recent crimes in his area involving counselors and how they each saw this issue differently. Nobody wants their feelings to be discounted by their partner, and you should never assume a meaning from your partner without clarifying their statements. You both need to feel that the other person understands your feelings, and is not discounting them.  You’re on the same side of the issue.  It’s so important that you each know how to share

Alex Swire-Clark is Stuart’s Guest on Episode 166 of The Couples Expert Podcast. Alex is a human behavioral and communications expert with a background in education. He’s got some insight to share on a model of human behavior that impacts relationships. Stuart brought him on the podcast to talk about communication issues between personalities in a marriage.   June means that wedding season is in full swing so this episode is rather timely in that the discussion is geared towards communication in marriage. Listen in as Stuart welcomes Alex to to the podcast and they delve into some of these very important topics.   What you’ll learn on today’s podcast:   Defining your role in the marriage/relationship is the challenge 5:30   Personality styles defined DISC 12:22   How personalities interact with others in relationships 16:20   How you complement each other even if you’re opposites 19:00   Communication between the styles both verbal and non-verbal 22:06   Being ignorant of each other’s personality styles can c

Hi and welcome to The Couples Expert. This is episode 165 of our show. Today Stuart is going to talk about a subject that you may be all too familiar with. Shopping meltdowns!!! Ever go shopping with your spouse and it feels like you’re stuck in a chamber of horrors waiting endlessly for your partner to finish shopping so you can just go already?  If this sounds like a feeling you understand, you’ll be right there along with Stuart as he discusses his own shopping meltdowns.  Listen in;  it should be fun, (more fun than the actual experience)! You are in a relationship with your best friend. Having that one person in the world that you can count on is the best thing in the entire world.  You wouldn’t want to have this journey with anyone else! Stuart talks about being authentic and vulnerable with your partner in order to have a close and connected relationship. Being in a marriage allows you to be yourself and to be in a safe and secure place where you don’t have to pretend or play a role. Your partner under

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This week on the show, Stuart is going to discuss the pain and consequences of financial infidelity. This kind of relationship injury has an incredible impact on a couple. Listen as Stuart talks about how financial infidelity can break your relationship, and how to repair it.   Stuart has just returned from his spring vacation with his wife, where he got to unplug from the Internet for a while. It was a great time of connection for Stuart and Debbie and you know what? He didn’t miss that bombardment of information, news and noise for those 6 days at all!  Stuart had been to the resort with a girlfriend before he met Debbie. For some couples this might cause a problem if there were any insecurity in the relationship, but not for them! They’ve enjoyed their time away. Stuart always comes back from vacation with a renewed sense of purpose and more ideas for helping couples connect.   Spending money is harder for some people than f

Welcome to The Couples Expert podcast! This is episode 163 of our show. This week’s topic is about the joys and challenges of keeping a close and connected sexual relationship as we age. Our bodies will continue to change over time, and no matter how emotionally connected we are to our partners, the process of aging can introduce doubts and insecurities into our intimate life. Listen as Stuart tackles this important subject today.   What you’ll learn from today’s podcast: Sexuality in the early relationship and the impact of children 4:36 The effects of aging on your bodies 10:52 If you don’t make it important enough,  the physical touch and intimacy is lost 13:09 You’re never too old to be sexual with your partner 15:01 When physical issues interfere with sexual activity 16:35 Scheduling sex may become necessary  18:03 Suggestions for help and how to talk about these problems 25:29 It’s crucial that you discuss your sexual issues without reservation. This is the best friend that you’ve been with and cheris

Hello and welcome to this episode of The Couples Expert podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 162 of our show. This week Stuart welcomes Lauren Selfridge to the podcast. Lauren became interested in becoming a therapist after being a lifelong client of therapy. She wanted to be a couple’s therapist. While in school she began to have symptoms of what she later learned was Multiple Sclerosis. Lauren is joining us to talk about a topic that is important to a lot of people, that of having a loved one with a chronic illness. She had to learn to live with this illness while training to be a therapist. Stuart has a personal connection with this topic as his daughter has had medical issues throughout her life and he’s been very open about talking about what living with someone who has medical issues and the impact on family and relationships. Poem: Welcome to Holland http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html   What you’ll learn about in today’s podcast: Lauren’s journey has helped her to be a

Hi and welcome back to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This week’s topic is “One foot out the door and how to fix it.”  This is episode 161 of our show. The meaning behind the title, as you will soon see, is more about being fully invested in your relationship. When you’re all in as in poker, you don’t leave yourself an “out.” That’s what Stuart will be discussing in this very important podcast episode today. See Stuart’s Facebook Live on the gratitude he has for all of you that listen to the podcast. Thank you for taking the time to listen in. He recorded the Live on April 18, 2018. Stuart talks about how he has recommitted to his faith since his Dad passed away and has joined a men’s group through the temple. He had an opportunity to honor his Dad’s memory by reading from the Torah at a service in the synagogue. Stuart and Debbie were invited to a Kentucky Derby party at a friend’s on Cinco de Mayo, which is the same Saturday as the service in the temple.  He thought hard about

Hi, and welcome to The Couples Expert with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 160 of our show. Thank you for listening today as Stuart welcomes guest Jim Thomas back to the show. They will be discussing social media and some of the pitfalls of getting connected through the Internet and the impact of that on your life and relationships. Listen in as Stuart and Jim discuss this very important and timely subject. What you’ll learn on today’s podcast: Tech advances allow access for everyone, worldwide even those people in remote places 4:34 Being conscious of where you go online and how it impacts you, feeds or frustrates you can make all the difference 8:41 How we influence each other and ourselves online? 11:25 How the intensity of what we’re bombarded with reminds us how fragile we are as humans 16:15 When everything is on Facebook nothing is private! 17:42 When phones are present we lose our ability to empathize and communicate in real time by 40%  22:48 The power of balance in using devices 28:36